The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “I couldn’t have called it anything.” He walked over to his bathroom. “Nobody would tell me shit. The only thing I got out of Tom was that you were busy with vampire business. Not exactly the most useful thing to go on.” He emerged holding a towel and tossed it to me. I caught it, but only barely registered that it wasn’t exactly the cleanest thing I’d ever touched. His mention of my roommate had definitely not gone unnoticed.

  “Thanks.”

  He probably assumed it was for the towel, but it was really for letting me know my best friend was still alive. It was the first real piece of good news I’d gotten in what felt like far too long. I opened my mouth to say more, but he beat me to the punch.

  “I have some bad news for you, my friend,” he said as he sat down opposite me. His face had grown somber. A sinking feeling hit my gut as he stared me in the eye.

  Whatever small moment of good cheer I had been allowed was about to be erased.

  A Hell of a Souvenir

  “Seriously?” I cried. “You couldn’t have just sent Kelvin off on some nebulous adventure or maybe retired him to a life of luxury?”

  “What did you expect? I was a little ticked off at first and the Elemental Plane of Broken Glass just happened to be convenient. Sorry about the rape-trolls, but they are native to that dimension.”

  Son of a bitch. There were some days when I really hated Dave and his fucking house rules. As if things weren’t shitty enough, now I’d learned that my favorite character had been imprisoned as a sex slave. “And all of his stuff?”

  “Pawned to the merchants in the City of Doors.”

  “Well, that’s just great.”

  “It’s not all bad.”

  “Oh?” I asked, pacing - my stolen sneakers squelching on his floor.

  “Gonar the Brave got engaged to Princess Sheila. They bonded while everyone was mourning your capture.”

  What? Leave it to my gaming buddies to fuck me over the second my back was turned. “Well, congratu-fucking-lations to the happy couple. You can tell Adam I am so gonna kick his ass as a wedding present.”

  “Oh relax. Now that you’re back, I’m sure we can think of something. Hell, if you help me get my experiments back on track, maybe we can arrange for a last minute stoppage to their wedding - like in The Graduate.”

  I knew it was only a matter of time before we got back to that. Dave seemingly had only three interests in life: our game, hating all of his patients, and trying to use my blood to concoct some miracle drug. “Not going well, I assume?”

  He sighed. “Not going at all.”

  “What happened?”

  He stood and stretched, walking over to the window and glancing out at the storm beyond. It finally seemed to be petering off a bit. “It’s been one disaster after another. Hell, the only thing that’s saved my ass is all the weird-ass shit that’s been going on.”

  “Oh?”

  “Yep. First my experiment with the mice went up in smoke, thanks to my asshole landlord. The fuckhead let himself in when I wasn’t here to fix some plumbing and opened up the wrong set of shades. The poor little guys never stood a chance.”

  I had a feeling that “poor little guys” wasn’t a particularly apt description for a tank full of ravenous vampire mice, but refrained from saying so. If anything, I felt a bit of relief. I had been certain that one day I’d arrive for my weekly game only to find the city of Newark besieged like in some horrific sequel to Willard.

  “That wasn’t the worst, though. The guy was understandably freaked - threatened to call the cops on me.”

  “So what did you do?”

  “Fortunately, he’s an ex-meth head - or not so ex anymore.”

  “Dave, what did you do?”

  “Needless to say, it’s amazing the silence that can be bought with enough prescription drugs.”

  “Nice to see you living up to that whole Hippocratic Oath thing.”

  He waved his hand in dismissal. “I tried to get things back on track, use what samples I still had left, but then the hospital caught me borrowing some of their lab equipment.” He sat down and laughed. “The administration wanted to put me on leave, based on what they called ‘questionable ethical choices.’”

  A chuckle threatened to escape my lips, but I once more managed to keep my mouth shut. My character was in dire straits as it was. I didn’t need Dave throwing more shit at him.

  “Thankfully, there’s all of this,” he proclaimed, gesturing toward the window where the sky was starting to lighten. “You won’t believe the strange crap that’s been going down.”

  “Oh, I might.”

  “We’re getting weird-ass cases left and right - victims with odd burns, cuts, and even bites. The hospital is short-staffed as it is, so they pretty much had no choice but to let me off with a warning.”

  Well, I guess it was nice to see some good - sorta - had come from the evils I’d inadvertently unleashed upon the world. I stopped short of telling Dave that, though. He knew more than enough as it was - even if taking credit for the horrors that had saved his job might be enough to earn my character back his gear and then some.

  I was tempted to ask if I could use the phone since my purloined cell was dead, but hesitated. I didn’t know what was waiting for me back home, but I got the feeling that it might be best to take it all in face-to-face. If there was bad news to be had, and I had little doubt there was, it was probably not a great idea to hear about it over the phone. These people were my life - as it was. At the very least, I owed them a chance to personally throw it all back in my face. I’d had three months of taking the coward’s way out. That was long enough.

  “I don’t suppose you have any cash you could lend me?”

  “Huh?” he sputtered, caught off guard by my change of topic.

  “I really need to get home, but all I have is some foreign currency. For all I know, it’s probably worth ten cents American.”

  He arched an eyebrow. “So you just stopped by to bum bus fare off me?”

  “Well...no. I really did want to know what had happened to Kelvin. Even so, it’s been a while and I...”

  Dave sighed and got up. He walked over to a nearby desk, pulled out two twenties from his wallet, and handed them over to me. “You might as well grab some lunch while you’re doing so. It’s a long trip.”

  I gratefully accepted them. “I’ve had longer.”

  “I’ll expect your help in getting me started again, though,” he said. “Seriously, I was starting to make some progress with the cell regeneration.”

  “Really?”

  “Well, not much. Some of it really does...” he trailed off, mumbling the rest in a voice low enough so that even my ears couldn’t make it out.

  “What was that?”

  “I said that some of it really does seem like magic,” he snapped, earning a smug grin from me. “Now get the fuck out of here before I think twice about loaning cash to a loser like you.”

  I thanked him and went to shake his hand, but at the last second pulled him in for a hug. He was an asshole, but he was one of my assholes. I was glad to have him.

  After releasing him, I grabbed my pack and turned toward the door. I’d taken no more than a step when an inspired thought stopped me in my tracks.

  Why not kill two birds with one stone?

  “There a problem, Bill?”

  “What say I pay you back right now - in triplicate even?”

  He arched a questioning eyebrow, but the gleam in his eye told me he was open to hearing what I had to say.

  “Check it out.” I plopped the bag onto the back of his couch and unzipped it. Pushing the crusty towels aside, I revealed to him the most gruesome of souvenirs.

  Most would have questioned its authenticity, being that it now looked like a dried out Halloween prop, but Dave had a slightly better trained eye than the average person. “Why do you have a severed head with you?”

  “Long story, trus
t me. Needless to say, I do.”

  “Is it...”

  “A vamp? Well, it was at one point.”

  “I thought you said that dead vampires turned to dust. Hell, I can attest to that from the tank of mouse ashes I had to vacuum up.”

  “That’s mostly true,” I replied, “but I’ve been told there are ways to preserve body parts if need be. Some sort of poison that vampire enforcers use when they really want to fuck up somebody’s day. I don’t know the exact details. Bottom line, though, is that it’s the real deal.”

  “How old is it? Looks like it really did come from Dracula’s crypt.”

  “Don’t know and don’t care. Look, do you want it? If not, I’m just gonna toss the thing into the nearest dumpster I can find and...”

  He immediately put his hands on the bag. “Are you kidding? Of course I want it. Even desiccated as it is, I can learn a shitload - unless you’ve changed your mind and are now willing to let me perform that brain biopsy...”

  “Have fun.” I handed it over and turned toward the door.

  Walking away, I felt pretty good at having rid myself of two potential burdens: being in Dave’s debt and carrying with me an item that would surely set off the alarm bells of even the most slow-witted cop on the force.

  The rain had let up, but the sky was still overcast - a near perfect daytime scenario for me. Best of all, though, I was finally heading home.

  I had no idea what was waiting for me there, but honestly felt that I could handle it, no matter what. Just being back where I belonged was empowering.

  It was like a metaphorical beam of sunlight shined down from above. The worst was undoubtedly behind me.

  Homecoming

  The sky was clearing up by the time I arrived back in Brooklyn, but thankfully, it was starting to get dark. Even if the clouds parted, I was no longer in any real danger of combusting.

  Unfortunately, the closer I came to home, the more my hopeful mood evaporated. I knew Tom had survived, but that was it. I didn’t know what shape he was in or what his demeanor toward me might be. For all I knew, I’d walk in and he’d immediately spit upon me and send me on my way. He wouldn’t entirely be in the wrong to do so, either.

  I stepped out of the subway platform and had to suppress a grim chuckle. The last time I’d felt this way was when I’d returned home upon being turned into a vampire. Although I had only been gone a day, it had felt like a lifetime. Back then, I’d had similar thoughts of walking in to find my friends taking up the mantel of slayers.

  It had all been a bunch of bullshit then, but now I wondered if those feelings had been a foreshadowing of this day. I was returning home following months of unexplained absence and my friends, assuming they were okay, might now have actual cause to take up arms against me.

  I swear, if I knew then what I knew now, I might have just slunk off into the night, never to be seen again. I could have become a mysterious stranger, drifting aimlessly from town to town, never staying in one place for long. Sadly, it was too late for that. Too many vamps knew my name, face, or scent. It would be impossible to hide from the bloodhounds forever.

  Even if I tried, the world didn’t have forever to wait. It might have just been me, but as I walked the few blocks to my apartment building, I could have sworn things felt different - stranger - almost as if something were leaking into our world that didn’t belong. It was hard to quantify, but the air felt thicker and the shadows seemed longer.

  Of course, I could have just been imagining it all - my subconscious doing its best, as usual, to psyche me out from an encounter that it assured me would be unpleasant.

  I stopped at the foot of the stairs leading to my building. When no howling wraiths leapt from the gloom to rend my flesh, I decided that maybe I was just looking for excuses to not head in.

  The hilarious part was that I actually had one really valid excuse - my keys were missing. They were no doubt long gone, lying wherever my brutish alter-ego had left them - assuming he didn’t just eat them. Ugh, there was a thought. I can only imagine the joy of trying to shit those out.

  There I was again, indulging in daydreams rather than facing reality.

  Enough of this crap. I was Bill Ryder - Dr. Death to some, the legendary Freewill to others. If I couldn’t even knock on my own fucking door, how the hell was I going to fool myself into believing that I could save the world?

  I walked up, put on a brave front, and pushed the doorbell for my apartment.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Okay, so maybe pressing a doorbell wasn’t quite the same as an epic showdown with the forces of evil. Give me a break; I had to start somewhere.

  What happened next was certainly equally anticlimactic. The door unlocked with a quick buzz. Oh well, at least someone was home.

  I walked up to the top floor, my knees shaking with each step. So much for all of my bullshit bravado down at the door. I felt more like the legendary pussy of the vampire race.

  I reached my floor, stepped over to the door, and raised my hand. I needn’t have bothered, though. It swung open as I approached.

  My roommate and oldest friend, Tom, stood there.

  “Bill?” he asked cautiously, his eyes opening wide with surprise. I was filled with hope for a fleeting moment, but then I saw his face droop with disappointment.

  I was right to worry - my fears were about to become a reality.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “You didn’t happen to run into a guy with Chinese food on the way up, did you?”

  “Huh?”

  “He’s late and I’m hungry. I thought you were him.”

  “Uh, no.”

  “Oh. Well, then...” He eyed me skeptically for a second. “You’re not, like, some kind of doppelganger, are you?”

  “No, it’s definitely me. I’m...”

  Tom stepped forward and threw his arms around me in an embrace. “Good, just checking. Everyone keeps telling me we can’t be too careful these days.”

  I didn’t return the hug immediately. The whole delivery question had left me a bit gobsmacked. I stood there and blinked uncomprehendingly for a few seconds, letting things sink in. “So...” I stammered, “we’re cool?”

  He pulled back from the hug and looked at me like I had two heads. “Of course. I mean, you’re still an asshole for punching me in the face like you did, but Christy told me that wasn’t really your fault, so I guess it’s okay.” He turned around and walked back into the apartment. “Still sucks that I couldn’t find that Megatron figure again when I woke up,” he muttered.

  I remained where I was a second longer. “Can I come in?”

  He glanced over his shoulder, giving me a look that said he thought I’d gone soft in the head. “Why not? Are you waiting for an engraved invitation?”

  I breathed a sigh of relief and took a step forward, tentative at first - afraid that I might be dreaming. My foot hit the floor and I was inside. I was home.

  My eyes grew misty and I had to blink back tears. Who would have thought our crummy apartment in this shitty old building would have such an emotional hold over me?

  “You okay, Bill?”

  “Uh, yeah...just forgot how dusty this place is.” I turned and wiped my eyes, but then realized that maybe I should hold off on that for a moment. I’d still only seen one of my roommates, and I’d already known from Dave that he was okay.

  I steeled myself and got right to the point. “Ed, is he...”

  “Gone,” Tom said solemnly.

  “Oh.” I sank onto our couch and put my head in my hands. I’d been afraid of that. Sheila, for all her holy power, hadn’t been strong enough to...

  “Yeah, dude’s been putting in some crazy hours at his new gig. It’s fucking weird, if you ask me. Now where the hell is that food?”

  “What?” I asked, sitting up.

  “I ordered like an hour ago.”

  “Not that! What about Ed?”

  “Well, it’s
just that I don’t think I ever saw him even put in his basic forty hours a week when he was working for Jim...”

  “No, stupid. You mean he’s alive?” I stood and grabbed him by the shoulders. “He’s okay?”

  “Well, yeah. I mean, where have you been?”

  I wasn’t sure whether to kiss him on the lips or punch his fucking lights out. So I opted for somewhere in between - smacking him upside the head. “Obviously not here.”

  “Oh yeah. So what’s up with that? Christy said you hulked out and ran off. What have you been doing all this time?”

  “The usual. Been locked up in a castle dungeon in Switzerland.”

  “Meet any hot Swiss chicks?”

  “No idea. I might’ve eaten a few, though.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Tom’s food finally arrived, sparing me the horror of listening to him whine about how he was starving to death. It gave me a moment to reflect on things. A few short days ago, I would have sold my organs for a chance to be back home. Now I was only back for a few minutes and was already ready to scream at him to shut the fuck up already. It’s all relative, I guess. Go figure.

  While he ate - and after I snagged an eggroll just on principle’s sake - I brought him up to speed on what I knew, which wasn’t much. At least it was a good story. He especially got a kick out of the part about me locking Alex in a room with an ancient, and probably pissed off, demigod.

  “You should call Sally and tell her that shit.”

  “Village Coven has survived without me for more than three months. I’m sure it can handle one more night. Maybe I’ll head in tomorrow and see what damage she’s done in my absence.”

  “You might need to travel a bit farther than that,” he said in between mouthfuls of fried rice.

  That caught my attention. “Why?”

  “Well, I don’t think she’s there.”

  That same sinking feeling hit my gut again. “What happened to Sally? Is she all right?”

  “Last I heard. I mean, I haven’t really seen her. She popped by once, right after you disappeared, to threaten to beat the shit out of me for some reason, but that was it.”