The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Fortunately for me, I knew the basement quite well. I took off into the darkness, but had to stop about a dozen steps later. An unexpected coughing fit nearly doubled me over. Weird, but probably just a result of my internal injuries still healing. It passed after a moment and I kept moving.

  The lowest level of the building wasn’t quite the rat maze of tunnels you often see in a movie, but there were enough side rooms for maintenance, electrical, and storage to hopefully slow down any pursuit.

  I hoped the scent of blood from Jason’s body, of which there was plenty splattered about, was enough to confuse the big guy’s sense of smell as I re-entered the sewers and secured the grate above me.

  Even if it wasn’t, I was fairly sure my next move would more than make up for it. I launched myself off the walkway, straight into a pungent pile of filth, making sure to roll around for a nice even coating.

  Yes, it was absolutely fucking disgusting, but I’d seen it work before. Up in Canada, during the events that had started the world down its current path to damnation, I’d needed to take a dive into a pool of Sasquatch shit. It had been one of the more bizarre - not to mention putrid - experiences in my life, but it had done the job. The Feet, with their highly attuned nostrils, hadn’t been able to sniff me out. It was the same general principle here, or at least I hoped so.

  Somehow, that asshole had been able to track Ed and me when we arrived, a feat that I’d thought impossible, even for vamps. All I could hope was that this time my extra precautions would prove to be enough.

  I stood up, almost losing a shoe as I pulled myself free from the ass-spawned muck of a thousand burrito-loving New Yorkers, and turned in the direction of a place where I could hopefully catch my breath and regroup.

  Ready to put my stolen speed to good use, I took all of one step, then fell to my knees as my legs buckled. Spasms racked my body as pain shot up from my midsection.

  What in the name of...

  That thought needed to be put on hold, though, as my stomach gave a heave and I projectile vomited. A great gout of steaming puke splashed against the wall and hissed down it - quite literally. For a moment, I thought it was just the tears in my eyes causing it, but then I realized whatever I had upchucked was actually sparking.

  That was new. Even in the midst of my best college parties, I hadn’t seen anything like that - and believe me, I’d tasted the rainbow from both directions during those days.

  What the hell? Was it because of all the silver I’d shot that vamp with or something else? I had no idea and really couldn’t afford the time to dwell upon it.

  My stomach heaved again, filling my mouth with the unpleasant taste of blood-infused bile, but it was more an aftershock than anything else. I waited a moment, well aware that my time might be running short, then tried to stand.

  My legs were still a bit shaky, but they held - if just barely. I’d expected to race through the sewers at break-neck speed, losing my opponent in the maze of fetid tunnels. Now, I’d be lucky to manage a brisk walk.

  But walk I could.

  I might be caught, but it sure as hell wouldn’t be from standing still.

  I steadied myself and started down the damp tunnel, hoping that whatever luck had abandoned me this day might decide to return to my side.

  Calling in the Calvary

  Thankfully, I felt mostly normal again by the time I’d gone about a block. Whatever strength I’d stolen from that monster had fled as soon as my stomach decided to ride the vomit comet. Luckily, I didn’t need it for something as simple as a trek through the NYC sewer system.

  Doubly awesome was that my little ruse of rolling around in stinking shit appeared to have worked. I didn’t sense anything pursuing me - aside from maybe the occasional curious rat. I was still cautious, though, and walked in the water whenever I could so as not to leave any obvious footprints.

  Goddamn. Had those useless seers told me that treading through piss-water was in my future, I might have just stuck around and been Alex’s poster boy for the war effort. Oh well, what was done was done. It had all been worth it too, for the look on his face when I locked him in with Druaga. I had little doubt who’d ended up the bitch in that prison block.

  I pushed that amusing thought aside for now, though, having far more important things to worry about - my friends, for starters. I hated flying blind with no insight on anything save that my best efforts to kill a half-naked maniac had failed miserably.

  It blew my mind. How the fuck had he survived? The fall itself was easily explainable. It seemed that Gan had apparently survived a much higher drop. The rest, though, was unbelievable - fifty calibers of silver-plated lovin’, followed by a nice relaxing nap in the daylight. It just didn’t make sense. Of all the vampires that I could have resurrected, I had to somehow pick the last son of Krypton.

  Those thoughts continued to haunt me as I reached my destination: the sewer entrance to one of the coven’s safe houses. At least, I hoped it was still one of ours. Sally had purchased it with the intent of keeping its location a secret between the two of us until such time as others needed to know. That had lasted all of a day before the place had turned into a veritable flophouse, followed by the prerequisite raid by the police.

  Fuck it. It was all I had left. What was the worst that could happen? Well, I guess a shit covered creature of the night emerging into some family’s living room was one possibility, but screw it. That would be their problem.

  Almost to my surprise, nothing of the sort happened. I had to bust two locks, which caused a loud racket - one that hopefully no vamps were in earshot of. Finally, I ascended from the tunnels to find that not only was the place still seemingly owned by Village Coven - the mystical sigils designed to ward off scrying by mages evident on the walls - but that the security code for the alarm hadn’t been changed. Thank goodness. The last thing I needed were bells or whistles going off - or blowing up. I never was quite certain what surprises Sally left behind for uninvited guests.

  Unsurprisingly, the place was unoccupied. Covens tended to frown upon members using safe houses for anything outside of emergencies. Considering the events at the office, though, I felt comfortable in assuming that this qualified.

  I closed up behind me, rearmed the security system, and dragged the refrigerator out of the kitchen to prop against the sub-basement entrance. None of that would stop an ancient vamp from trying to get in, but it would hopefully give me enough warning to escape through the front door if I needed to.

  I’d been angry with Sally for up and ditching the coven just for an opportunity to shake her ass on stage again. Now some of that anger dissipated a bit as I took a look around and realized she’d stocked this place with everything I needed to hole myself up for a while.

  More specific for my immediate needs, there was an unopened cell phone in one drawer with a small pile of calling cards next to it. I cracked it open, loaded up the minutes, and dialed Ed.

  Thank goodness my roommates had a clue as to how this espionage shit worked. Unfamiliar number or not, the call was answered on the third ring.

  “This had better be you, Bill.”

  “Who the fuck else would call your ugly ass?” I asked, inwardly breathing a sigh of relief at hearing his voice.

  “You okay?”

  “Sorta. You?”

  “As soon as the elevator opened, I hauled ass out onto the street.”

  “Smart boy.”

  He put a Southern twang into his voice. “My mama didn’t raise her no dipshits.”

  “That’s debatable.”

  “So what happened? All hell seems like it’s breaking loose.”

  “Seems?”

  “For starters, there were cops everywhere. Thought I was gonna get my ass shot off for a moment there. They grabbed me the second I walked out and started grilling me about what was happening inside.”

  “What’d you tell them?”

  “I t
ook a page out of your book.”

  “Played dumb?”

  “Bingo.”

  I smiled into the receiver. That we could still joke so easily after all we’d seen was near amazing. “So what happened then?”

  “You tell me. There was a crash down the block. Sounded like something heavy landed. Your doing?”

  “Might have been.”

  “Whatever it was, it got everyone’s attention. They forgot about me and I made it a point to get the fuck out of there.”

  There came a muffled beep in the background, followed by the hum of an engine. “You in a cab?”

  “Car service.”

  “Heading home?”

  “Taking the scenic route. I was hoping you’d call.”

  “You’d better not be on speaker.”

  “Don’t worry. The privacy glass is closed.”

  “Privacy glass?”

  “One of the perks of my new position.”

  After muttering a few unkind words about the unfairness of his new job, I turned the discussion back toward what had happened since his departure - minus maybe my roll in shit. He hadn’t seen Starlight or any of the others during his escape. I was split on that. It told me nothing of their whereabouts or condition. At the same time, any such run-in wouldn’t have been particularly healthy for Ed if they were still under compulsion. He was likewise none too pleased to hear about the massive amounts of damage that our attacker had somehow managed to shake off.

  I wasn’t overly joyed at that part myself.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “I want you to get out of town. Maybe head to your stepfather’s place. Grab Tom and Christy, if you can, on the way.”

  “Not happening. I already talked to Tom. I’m swinging by home and then we’re heading to where you are.”

  “Are you fucking insane? Listen I...”

  “First off, Bill, my pop’s place is in the middle of the fucking woods. We both know what’s out there. No thank you. Secondly, that motherfucker from earlier was coming after me, not you.”

  I opened my mouth to argue, but he had me there. I’d certainly done my fair share to piss off that freaking ogre, but his focus in the office had initially been on Ed. “Sorry. I’m just so used to everything wanting me dead.”

  “Trust me, it’s new for me, too,” he replied. “Can’t say I really like it, either.”

  “So you think he could track you down again?”

  “He already did once. If he catches us somewhere else...”

  He didn’t need to finish. Ed might have had something weird going on with his blood, but neither he nor Tom would be able to do much against an ancient vamp intent on tearing them to pieces. Christy might be able to help them out, but she was pregnant - undoubtedly a lot more so than when last I’d seen her. I had no idea what effect that might have on her powers, but even if I did, I wasn’t entirely cool with potentially putting her in the line of fire.

  Fuck! It could never be easy, could it?

  “I get what you’re saying,” I said at last, “but I don’t stand a chance against...”

  “Maybe not alone, but at least if we’re all together we might.”

  His words, while potentially suicidal in their stupidity, warmed my non-beating heart nevertheless.

  “There’s also the fact that Tom and I are pieces of shit as far as the supernatural world is concerned. You, however, the other vamps want alive. If we happen to get saved as a side effect of whatever they can do for you...I’m cool with that.”

  He’d been reading my mind. That was exactly what I’d been planning. “You remember where this place is?”

  “How could I forget?”

  “Just get here before dark.”

  “You don’t need to tell me that twice.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I had an important phone call to make. But first, being that my hidey hole hadn’t been invaded as of yet, I chanced a quick shower. In the movies, vampires are always happily covered in filth, either from their graves or their victims. In reality, I liked smelling like shit about as much as the next person with any sense of personal hygiene, which isn’t to say very much.

  Thank goodness the safe house had a washing machine and dryer too, because the available spare clothing would have only suited me had I been a cross-dresser several sizes smaller. Since I had no plans to walk Forty-Second Street that night looking for Johns, that wasn’t going to cut the mustard. I really needed to tell Sally - Starlight, I corrected myself - to stock these places with stuff that would fit me.

  Thus, I found myself clad in an ill-fitting pink bathrobe as I sat down about an hour later and dialed the central seat of power for vampires in the Northeastern United States - Boston.

  I’ll admit to being a bit apprehensive about doing so. Part of the problem was that I’d escaped from Alexander the Great, the guy in charge of the Draculas. Putting myself back on his radar wasn’t really something I was looking forward to. Then again, it was probably a moot point anyway. Most of the grunts I’d met in the paranormal world were little more than super-powered dumbasses. The folks in charge, however, weren’t exactly stupid.

  What had I done upon making a run for it? I’d made a beeline straight back home. Even one of the aforementioned dumbasses would know to check someplace obvious like that first.

  The truth was, if I was indeed trying to hide from the upper hierarchy of vampiredom, I was doing a crap job of it. There was no point in pretending to play Mission Impossible.

  Also, the guy I’d unintentionally released from Alex’s personal collection of trophy heads scared the ever-living fuck out of me. That played no small part in my decision.

  Bottom line was, member of the Draculas or not, I needed James’s help on this one.

  Sadly, unlike Sally, I had no idea what his personal cell number was. It just goes to show how unfair things are. Be the chosen one that legends speak of and you’ll be lucky to get cab fare out of it. Own a pair of perky tits, though, and the world is your oyster.

  That left me having to deal with the equivalent of their 800 number. “Lucky me,” I grumbled as I dialed. Vampire bureaucracy was every bit as bad as that in the world of the living. That meant I had best find a charger, because I had a feeling I was gonna be on hold for a while.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “I’m sorry, but what was your name again?”

  “It’s Bill Ryder. For the last time, I’m the motherfucking Freewill.”

  “Sir, the legendary Freewill is listed in our database as ‘whereabouts unknown.’ I will ask nicely that you disengage from this call or I shall have to report this to my superiors. I need not remind you that prank calls are severely frowned upon by the...”

  I had to restrain myself, hearing the creak of the cheap phone in my grasp. Much more and I’d crush it in my annoyance. If that happened, I’d just have to start all over again. Finding myself back at the end of the hold queue would probably be the final straw that would cause me to run outside and embrace the sunshine.

  I took a deep breath and mentally counted to ten before deciding upon a tactful response. “Fine, report me. Maybe your superiors are less fucking stupid than you are, you fangless cocksucking twat.”

  I’ll admit that might have sounded slightly more respectful in my head.

  There was silence for a moment, followed by a terse, “Hold, please.” Bland music began to play in the background. Would the world be somewhat less fearful of the coming horrors, I mused, if they knew that vampires utilized elevator music in their day-to-day dealings?

  I continued to wait on hold for several minutes longer, prompting me to get up and grab a few pints of blood from the now unplugged fridge before they went bad. Might as well suck down a few while I listened to the instrumental version of That’s What Friends Are For.

  I was just about to conclude that I’d been abandoned, left to the dark Hell of waiting forever or hanging up, when the phone picked up on the
other end.

  It was about fucking time. Maybe I would finally be allowed to speak to someone who held a position higher on the food chain than drone.

  I heard an intake of breath and felt a tickle at the back of my skull. Wait, were they...

  “IDENTIFY YOURSELF AND YOUR LOCATION!!”

  I dropped the phone with a startled cry as the compulsion rang through my head like a mini-sledgehammer. It wasn’t the loudest thing I’d had bounce around in my brain lately, but it had caught me completely by surprise.

  Popping out of my chair, I knelt and looked beneath the desk I’d been sitting behind. I grabbed the phone off the floor and was just bringing it back to my ear when it rang out again.

  “IDENTIFY YOURSELF NOW!!”

  “I heard you the fucking first time,” I snarled. “I told you already, this is Bill Ryder. I’m the...”

  “The Freewill would not have obeyed my compulsion,” the person, a female whose voice I didn’t recognize, replied.

  What kind of chicken and egg bullshit was this? I swear, if it weren’t for the fact that the Sasquatches smelled like shit and would probably have us all eating grubs, some days I really wouldn’t mind if they overran the vamps. “You’ll notice,” I said, trying to control the vein that really wanted to pop out of my forehead, “I didn’t give my location.”

  “I will concede that point. However, the fact remains that the Freewill’s whereabouts...”

  “Are unknown. Yeah, I surmised that already. Who the hell is this, anyway?”

  An annoyed sniff came from the other end. Most vampires were not overly appreciative of a little back-sass. What a surprise that I’d get one who fit the stereotype.

  “Know, child, that you are speaking to Calibra, acting Prefect of the Northeastern United States, and I am not particularly pleased right now. You have exactly two seconds to convince me not to sentence you to summary execution.”

  “Wait, Prefect? I thought that was Colin’s job.”

  “One second...”

  Oh, for Christ’s sake. “Fine. If I’m not who I say I am, then you can kill me to your heart’s content. There ain’t shit I can do about that. If I am, though, then I have a feeling there might be a few people who’ll take offense at executing the one foretold to lead our forces to victory.” Ugh, I had to swallow back the bile at reciting that bullshit. “So what does that tell you?”