The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  There was something else too. A body, perhaps, lying partially concealed amongst the destruction. I couldn’t see it too well, but I could make out enough to tell it was very large and probably not human.

  James’s gaze hardened and he scooted over to survey the other side. “Down there, about a half mile away.”

  It was a small field, possibly belonging to a farm, but only partially overrun with vegetation - as if whatever had claimed the town had grown tired and given up.

  He clicked the radio and instructed the pilot where to set down, before turning back toward the rest of us.

  “Stay if you will or come with me, but this is now officially a rescue mission.”

  Forewarned is Four Armed

  “Our guy didn’t do this, did he?” I asked, donning one of the ski-masks that had been stored in the chopper’s lockers. It was completely close-faced, with mirrored Mylar lenses covering the eyes. That would make our daytime jaunt a bit easier.

  “Just figuring that out, are you?” Sally replied, her voice slightly muffled behind her mask - albeit not enough.

  “I will warn you,” James said, confirming my fears. “This will not be like Canada. We are no longer under protection of truce.” He hefted an assault rifle and checked the magazine.

  Ed barked out a laugh, his face the only uncovered one amongst ours. “You mean like all the good that truce did when Turd was busy kicking our asses?”

  I couldn’t help but chuckle at the mention of the unfortunately named Sasquatch chieftain. As big and mean as he was, his dopey moniker had gone a long way toward unraveling whatever menace I felt at the sight of him.

  “This is no laughing matter,” Calibra warned, donning a belt containing a nasty-looking handgun.

  “Of course not,” James said soothingly. “Believe me, they take this seriously. This is just their...nature.”

  I couldn’t see Calibra’s face, but her body posture told me she probably wore a sour expression underneath her mask. Oh well, she could go fuck herself with it.

  The insane thing was, I felt a bit better. We were walking into potentially hostile territory, but it was against a foe I knew and had bested...if just barely. Also, I mused as I tested the weight of the sawed-off shotgun in my hands, I was slightly better prepared than last time. The weapon might not put one of the Feet down permanently, but I was fairly confident it would do a good job of blowing one’s kneecaps off - hopefully.

  I turned toward Ed, the manic look on his face mirroring my own. “Just like playing paintball.”

  “Except for the part where they rip our arms off.”

  Gotta love the optimism.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  James once more offered to let us remain with the chopper while he and Calibra went and investigated, but we all turned him down. I wasn’t certain about Sally’s motivation, but I was fairly sure that in my and Ed’s case it was because neither of us wanted to be called out as a pussy first. There were some things worse than death.

  The pilot took off. James instructed him to shadow us from the sky, staying low enough to fill anything in our path with a friendly burst of thirty-millimeter greetings.

  Once inside the tree line, the shadows were deep enough that I felt comfortable removing my mask.

  “What are you doing?” Sally asked.

  “My glasses are getting steamed up in that thing. I can’t see shit.”

  “Fascinating, I’m sure,” James said through what sounded like gritted teeth. I could feel his glare through the mirrored eyepieces he wore. “Thank the darkness this isn’t a stealth mission.”

  He had that right. With the bird overhead, there was little chance whatever was out there wasn’t aware of our presence. That was just as well. I had about as much chance of pulling off a Mission Impossible-style raid as I did of giving birth. I’d never been much into stealth games anyway. I mean, I almost always seemed to end up hacking my way out of bad situations in Assassin’s Creed.

  It didn’t help that the forest was unnaturally quiet. Every step I took sounded like a marching band in the silent woods. At least we made good time. Although we were surrounded by densely packed trees, the undergrowth was minimal. In fact, in some places, it was almost like finely cut grass. Whatever had caused this odd growth of foliage seemed to be restricted to the trees only - maybe a limitation of whatever power they had. Who knows? I certainly didn’t have a clue...except for maybe...

  I stopped for a moment to look at a branch, specifically the leaves.

  “Yep,” Ed said from beside me. “Maple.”

  “I bet somewhere François is shitting a syrup-flavored brick.”

  Even Sally let loose a hiccup of laughter, causing Calibra to quickly turn back and shush us. Jeez, sorry, Mom.

  “There,” James said, his voice low enough that I’m pretty sure only the vamp ears amongst us heard him. A building, a house from the looks of it, stood before us. We’d reached the Norfolk city limits.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “The coven’s central nest is beneath the courthouse,” Calibra said, motioning us forward. We were obviously in the main stretch of town. Empty shops - some destroyed, others nearly whole - stared back through the trees on either side of us. Beneath our feet were the remains of an asphalt street - torn up, no doubt, thanks to the abrupt growth of forest.

  What we didn’t see or hear were any signs of life. I raised my head to sniff the air.

  “I wouldn’t,” Sally warned.

  “Why wouldn...oh fuck!” I nearly gagged as a ripe stench filled my nostrils. It was the smell of decay, of rot, of unwashed ass. I’d smelled it before, right as I was about to take a nosedive into a pool of Sasquatch shit. “We’re not alone,” I said once I’d finally stopped coughing.

  “Obviously,” Calibra replied derisively. “Up ahead. I see the courthouse.” She quickened her pace, darting in and out behind the trees to the point where I nearly lost track of her.

  “Bring up our rear, but remain outside,” James said. “Form a defensive perimeter at the entrance.”

  I was about to question at what point he’d forgotten that I was a computer programmer from Brooklyn and not an Army Ranger, but he’d already sped up to match Calibra’s pace. Just wonderful.

  “Okay,” I muttered to myself. “This isn’t so bad.” Ed had spent time in the backwoods of Pennsylvania where his stepdad lived. Also, Sally had once confessed to being a former Girl Scout. That all had to account for something, right? And, hey, they didn’t call New York “the urban jungle” for nothing. One had to develop some survival skills. I mean, if one could make it there, they could make it anywhere. It...

  It was all a load of bullshit, sadly.

  A slight crunch of leaves sounded behind me, which wasn’t particularly good since Ed and Sally were both a step ahead.

  A moment later, a foul breath acrid enough to bring tears to my eyes wafted down the back of my neck. A growl followed along with a word I had really been hoping never to hear again.

  “T’lunta!”

  Oh, fuck.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I turned and raised my weapon only to have a meaty fist the size of a basketball pluck it from my grasp. Another hand, equally as large, grabbed hold of the stock and bent the gun neatly in half. Then a third took it and tossed it casually over the beast’s shoulder.

  I had to blink to make sure I was seeing what I just saw. Maybe the events from the past few days had driven me over the edge.

  A Sasquatch stood in front of me...I think. It was both familiar yet entirely unlike any of the ugly fuckers I’d seen. It was over eight feet tall and covered in shit-stained fur. That much was expected. From there, though, the differences were enough to make me consider staining my own pants.

  Bony protrusions covered its shoulders, chest, elbows, and knees, looking more solid than any concrete I’d been unlucky enough to be thrown through. The freakiest part, though, were the arms - all four of them. That was
new. There was the usual set, as big and disturbingly muscular as expected - scary enough, as far as I was concerned. Add to that a second set, sticking out from its sides right below the first, and you had a perfect formula for freaking me the fuck out.

  I had a scant second to remember back to my youth, playing video games in my bedroom. I’d always liked Mortal Kombat, but never the higher levels - mainly because Goro always used to kick my ass mercilessly. Standing before the monstrous ape, I got the distinct impression that history was about to repeat itself.

  I looked up into the creature’s slobbering face and was taken aback; not so much by how ugly it was, but by all the blood. A large gash ran down the side of its face, bleeding freely. Something had taken a chunk out of this thing. Heh, maybe Johnny Cage had recently been in town.

  It raised its arms to pummel me into the dirt just as a thunderous report sounded nearby. A section of the bony armor covering one arm exploded in shards. The creature reared back its head and let out a roar of pain.

  “Get down, shit-for-brains!” Sally shouted from behind me.

  That was enough to spur me out of my shock. Someone had managed to fight back against this monster. Now, it was time for us to finish the job.

  “Here’s a message for Turd from yours truly!” I cried, pulling back my fist and driving it home into the beast’s crotch.

  The scream that rang out must have echoed through the woods for miles around. Sadly, it was from me as I cradled my freshly broken hand.

  The beast let out a chuckle, like someone gargling on metal shavings, then reached down with its two lower arms to part the fur between its legs, showing the bony plate beneath. Well, that was unexpected.

  Luckily for me, the creature decided I needed a broken jaw to match. It clubbed me like a baby seal with one of its massive paws, which sent me to my knees in a daze.

  I could hear my friends coming to back me up, as much good as that would do against the tank version of the creatures that pretty much kicked all of our asses several months earlier. A moment later, I got a good look at them closing in as the mutant Sasquatch lifted me over its head like this was a goddamned wrestling match.

  Thankfully, my friends’ version of the classic steel chair cheap shot was to pepper this thing’s midsection with bullets. As they blasted the shit out of it, I briefly prayed it didn’t decide to use me as a shield against them. I could probably count on Ed to stop shooting if that happened. Sally...well...

  And then, I was airborne as the beast flung me toward my former coven partner, she the far better shot of the two.

  Proving herself to be a team player, she caught me mid-throw and gently lowered me to the ground without further injury.

  Oh, wait...that’s what I was hoping would happen.

  In reality, Sally stepped nimbly to the side and a fucking smirk lit up her face as I flew past - bitch - allowing me to gently slam face first into a tree trunk.

  Ouch.

  Next time, I was gonna go investigate the abandoned building and James could stay outside to trade blows with King Kong.

  A deafening barrage of gunfire erupted as I slowly peeled myself off the tree. I checked to see if any of my teeth were lodged in the bark, then turned back to the fight.

  To my amazement, the big goon was down on one knee. His torso contained enough bullet holes that I was sure he’d set off the metal detectors at airports a hundred miles away.

  Ed was reloading, but Sally approached with her gun held out - apparently with a few shots left to spare.

  The creature raised its head. Hatred shone in its eyes, but that was the extent of the fight it had left - thank God. It was good to know that something could stop these fucking freight trains on legs.

  “What did you do to the people who lived here?” I asked, partially to test whether I could still speak following the beating I’d just received.

  It raised its lips in an ugly imitation of a sneer and growled, “Muff kill them. Muff eat them. Muff eat you all!”

  Muff? Its name was Muff?! Jesus fucking Christ! How in hell did these things expect us to take them seriously when...

  I nearly jumped out of my skin as Sally pulled the trigger, splitting Muff’s head with one of the mini-torpedoes from her heavy gun.

  “Muff ate the people,” Ed commented, once the echo of the shot had died down. “Normally, it’s the other way around.”

  “Too easy, dude.”

  “Sorry, couldn’t pass up the opportunity.”

  “Sally,” I asked, likewise unable to resist, “tap any good Muff lately?”

  “I still have one bullet left.”

  “Shutting up now.”

  Giant Furry People Eaters

  Unfortunately for us, where there was one Muff, there were more...sorta. An angry howl rose up in the distance, followed by another. I had no way of knowing how far away, but I’d seen these things move. In the open, they couldn’t match a vampire’s speed, but they had some sort of freaky affinity with the trees - able to use them to sneak up on creatures that would otherwise smell them coming a mile off.

  “How much ammo do we have left?” I asked, hoping for a good answer.

  “Probably not enough,” came the unsurprising reply.

  Just then, the high-pitched whine of a military-grade machine gun filled the air.

  Ed and I instinctively ducked before the realization hit that it wasn’t us being fired upon.

  “Looks like our backup has arrived,” Sally nonchalantly commented, rolling her eyes in my direction.

  A moment later, the black form of our chopper roared past overhead, its guns still spitting death.

  “It’s about fucking time!” I screamed to the heavens.

  “One should have clear targets before one opens fire unless one has a grudge against treetops,” a voice said from right behind me. I nearly jumped out of my skin again as I spun to find James and Calibra had rejoined us, their stealth nearly matching that of the apes.

  Momentarily forgetting myself, I asked, “Where the fuck were you while Konga was busy testing out what would shatter first, my face or its...urk!”

  I finished my accusation with a croak as I suddenly found my throat being crushed by Calibra. “Freewill or not, your insolence is growing tiresome.”

  I expected - and hoped - that James would come to my rescue, telling her that he was well used to my eccentricities. Much to my surprise, though, it was Sally who responded first - by pointing her gun right at the Prefect’s face.

  Shit had just gotten real.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “And what do you intend to do with that, child?” Calibra asked scornfully.

  “Oh, I don’t know,” Sally replied, careful to stay out of the older vampire’s reach. “Maybe celebrate my homecoming with some fireworks.”

  “I order you to cease this nonsense or I will...”

  “Get to experience the unique sensation of your fucking skull being blown apart? Like I said, I don’t answer to you.”

  “Yes, but you answer to me,” James bluntly said, then turned to Calibra. “You as well. I understand tensions are high, but now is not the time.”

  For a second, neither of them budged. “Do not make me say it twice.” The tone of his voice sent icicles down my spine.

  Sally quickly lowered her gun. Calibra released my throat a scant second later.

  “Thank you,” he said frostily. “Now, in answer to your question, Dr. Death, I was doing exactly as I said. We were searching Norfolk Coven’s nest for survivors - trusting that you could handle yourselves, which you did.”

  “Oh...well, did you find any?”

  “No, but we did find clues as to what occurred here.”

  “Awesome. Like what?”

  “Let us get back into the air first. There is nothing more for us here.”

  Sadly, that order was easier said than done.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  James led us to the clearin
g with downed trees we’d seen earlier. The chopper couldn’t land there, but the space was wide enough for it to descend for a pickup.

  Being at ground level afforded us a much more sobering view of the scale of what had occurred. Trees, many snapped off at the trunk level, were strewn about haphazardly as if a tornado had touched down. The body we’d spied from above was only the tip of the iceberg. Over a dozen of those hairy, four-armed, whatever-the-fucks lay crushed beneath the debris as if they were no more than ants that had run afoul of a really big boot.

  “Okay, anyone want to explain what the hell these things are?” Ed asked.

  “The Alma, obviously,” James replied.

  “I kind of figured that,” I said. “But what kind? They sure as shit don’t look like the fun bunch we met up north. Are these like Mega-Sasquatches or something?”

  “Hardly. The Alma are forest spirits. Their tangible forms are malleable. What you saw up in Canada was how they choose to manifest themselves during times of peace.”

  “As ten-foot fanged gorillas? That doesn’t exactly scream happy little pixies to me.”

  “Be that as it may,” he continued, “when they go to war, their appearance is decisively less friendly.”

  “I’d hate to see them really pissed off.”

  “As usual, Bill, you’re missing the real point,” Sally added, raising her voice to compensate for the whine of the descending chopper.

  “Care to enlighten me, Miss Marple?”

  “With pleasure. Who cares what the fuck they look like?” She nudged one of the hairy bodies with her foot. “What you should be asking yourself is why they’re dead.”

  There was just one little problem with her theory: they weren’t...at least, not all of them.

  The attack came without warning. Though we were all on our guard, weapons at the ready, the creatures still somehow got the drop on us. I could see why they used the trees. Out in the open, it was pretty hard to miss something that looked like Mighty Joe Young’s pissed off cousin. In the forest, though, these things were like the fucking Predator - minus, thankfully, the laser blaster.