The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  Thus, I was completely caught by surprise when he was the one who made the first mistake.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  The two continued circling, trading more barbs - some of which we caught and some we didn’t. Chuck almost certainly kept compelling for our benefit, no doubt thinking that James was an easy mark and that he’d send us on our way with a warning for the rest - your basic super villain bullshit. Jeez, you’d think folks would be able to come up with some new material after a millennium or so.

  At one point in their posturing, the ox circled close to our position - his back to us. Sally’s finger twitched on her gun. It seemed she was tempted to plug this guy in the most unsportsmanlike manner possible - probably a little payback for Starlight. Can’t say I would have dissuaded her. However, she stayed her hand, no doubt because of James’s insistence this be a solo duel.

  I looked around to check out the rest of the parking lot and saw the telltale red glow of security cameras. They were tracking the two combatants. Now it made sense. James was well aware that the others could have swarmed us, but no doubt their new master had forbid it. This was some sort of stupid honor thing going on between them - may the best man win. Well, fuck that. If these guys thought I wasn’t above a cheap shot to save my own ass, they were...

  Just then, Chuck glanced over his shoulder at us. His eyes landed upon me and narrowed. Apparently, my previously scheduled ass beating was unfinished, as far as he was concerned. He glossed over Dave and Sally, but then his gaze lingered on Ed. For a moment, there was no recognition on his face, but that was replaced with a look of confusion. He actually turned and lifted his head to sniff the air.

  How could he not...but then I realized that his attention had first been focused on me and then James at this place. He’d barely given Ed a second glance, when earlier he’d seemed focused on squashing him into paste. The reason was now obvious: Ed smelled less like himself and more like a pile of rotting Sasquatch guts.

  Now, the facade was falling apart. The cultist narrowed his eyes once more. Oh, shit.

  “Sally, give Ed your cell phone,” I said without moving my lips - trying not to provoke our foe, as if he were some sort of stray dog.

  “Why?”

  “Just do...”

  The words died in my throat as James became a blur of motion. Vampires have an interesting interpretation of fair duels - a very liberal one, if you will. Taking a swing at your foe when he was dumb enough to turn his back on you was considered fair game.

  All things considered, I could dig that.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  James wasn’t dicking around either. In the split second it took to reach the cultist, his fangs and claws were bared for battle. Once more, I found myself glad not to be on the receiving end of his bad mood. The guy moved like the Flash with all the skill of Batman thrown in. Hell, if we all lived through this whole Sasquatch Apocalypse, he was my bet for vamp most likely to end up with his own comic book.

  For all the musclehead’s power, he was seemingly not all that when it came to actual battle. James swept his feet out from under him before he was even aware of it. He followed up with a massive elbow to the asshole’s sternum, which bounced him off the pavement like a fucking basketball.

  The big douche landed on his back with a heavy thud, the wind knocked out of him. It was a fatal mistake when fighting against a seasoned foe. Pity for him James was practically a ninja master - for real, maybe. I mean, the guy had spent a lot of time in Asia. Who knew what kind of badass fighting skills he’d honed over the centuries?

  Judging by how things were going, we weren’t going to find out in this fight. Claws at the ready, James slashed at Chuck’s throat - intent on once more separating this goon’s head from his freshly grown body. Hopefully, he had some of that special poison handy that kept a vamp’s severed parts from instantly ashing. I for one wouldn’t have minded playing a quick game of soccer with this asshole’s noggin once it was all over and done with.

  James’s claws dug deep into the cultist’s neck, drawing blood. Triumph shown in his eyes as he was about to...

  Without even realizing he’d moved, I saw Chuck’s hand close upon James’s wrist and yank his fingers from the wound he’d created. To my surprise, the bastard was actually smiling despite half his throat being ripped open.

  His arm gave the barest of twitches, followed by the sickening snap of bone. Judging from the grin he still wore, it wasn’t one of his.

  James gritted his teeth in pain and prepared to strike with his free hand, but it was the other vampire’s turn to show off. With a quick movement of his legs, he performed a kip-up and drove his fist into his opponent’s head as he rose.

  It appeared to be a casual blow, but James went flying across the parking lot as if he’d been shot from a catapult.

  The brute stretched, his joints cracking as if he’d just finished warming up. Before our eyes, the wounds on his throat closed until it was as if they’d never been made.

  Thankfully, James was no slouch in that department either. Standing and dusting himself off, he straightened out his broken wrist and tested the fingers. Their exchange would have left me sobbing for my mom, but both of the combatants now stood facing each other whole, as if their first clash hadn’t occurred at all.

  “Kinda like watching Wolverine fight Deadpool,” Ed muttered.

  “Sabretooth,” Dave corrected. “Definitely Sabretooth.”

  “I gotta concur,” I said.

  Sally eyeballed the three of us for a moment, pity in her eyes. “Goddamn, there’s another one of you dorks?”

  “We are legion,” I replied with a smirk before turning my full attention back to where it should’ve been.

  To my surprise, and immense relief, James’s face was calm - betraying not a hint of fear.

  “Tough guy,” Dave commented.

  “You have no idea,” Sally replied.

  “He will not cry, so I cry for him,” I added. Raising my voice, I called out, “You okay?” Both combatants turned toward me. “Not you, asshole!”

  “Way to live dangerously, Bill,” Sally said, taking a step away from me.

  “I am quite fine, Dr. Death,” James replied curtly. “Now if you would kindly allow me to concentrate.”

  “Oh, sorry.”

  Thankfully, Chuck seemed content with letting us finish our little discourse. He didn’t seem to be in a hurry - a fact that wasn’t particularly reassuring.

  He and James began to circle again, closer this time. My experience with actual combat training was limited, but I’d seen enough kung fu movies to conclude that their first clash had been little more than them feeling each other out - getting a sense of their opponent’s power.

  Considering the care with which both of them now moved, almost synchronized, I got the impression the main event was about to begin.

  “Place your wagers,” I muttered to nobody but myself.

  All of your hope fades as the Destroyer rises.

  “What the fuck was that?” Dave asked, looking around.

  “Isn’t there any way you can shut him up?”

  Sally shrugged and gave her bag a small kick. “Sorry, haven’t found the off switch yet.”

  I refocused on the fight. James and the Chuckster were now starting to tussle. It was like watching a sparring match. Each of the combatants threw a couple of quick blows, then feinted - no doubt in the hope of finding a weak spot.

  Punches and kicks were thrown only to be blocked again and again. It was almost choreographed in its elegance. As it continued, I began to wonder whether either of the two would make a mistake on which the other could capitalize.

  As it turns out, one of them did.

  Unfortunately for us, this time it was James who made it.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  It wasn’t much, just a misstep, but Chuck’s next parry sent James ever so slightly off balance. My breath caught as I hoped he would recover quick
ly enough.

  The larger vamp stepped in and found an opening, throwing a blow to James’s midsection that nearly doubled him over. He followed up with his claws, raking my friend’s back and drawing blood.

  Oh, crap.

  James cried out in agony as his foe fell upon him, doing his best to block the attacks, but being slowly driven back.

  Despite his warning to stay out of the fight, I raised the weapon I held in my hands - a submachine gun, not unlike what Kurt Russell used in Big Trouble in Little China. “You were not brought upon this world to get it,” escaped my lips as I took aim.

  “Put it down.”

  “What?”

  “Lower it, dipshit,” Sally warned.

  “But...”

  “James is fine.”

  “No, he’s not, he’s...”

  But she was right.

  It was all an act. As the one-man brute squad stepped in to deliver a haymaker, James spun and responded with a crushing kick to the side of his knee. The crunch reverberated in the night air. Ouch.

  Before Chuck could hit the pavement, James grabbed his arm and tossed him over his shoulder in some kind of super-powered judo throw, cracking the pavement with his opponent’s body. Double ouch.

  Just like that, the tables had turned and we...

  “Um, Bill...”

  “Yeah?” I replied, not really paying much attention to my roommate.

  “James might be fine, but I’m not so sure we are.”

  “What the hell are you...” And that’s when I noticed the shapes shambling in our direction from out of the darkness. “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.”

  Dead Office Drones Walking

  I will admit a small part of me was disappointed. Every single zombie movie I’ve ever seen has had one thing in common: when the decaying hordes of the undead attack, they do so in massive numbers. I mean, outside of the stupid trend in the past couple of years of sprinting zombies, the whole concept is that they swarm you like fire ants. Otherwise, you could easily avoid them with a brisk walk.

  The three that lurched toward us weren’t exactly sending chills of terror down my spine. The only thing creepy about them was their silence. No moans or growls - just step after step.

  As they got closer, I could see the tattered remains of office wear. I had little doubt they were amongst the missing zombies from the Boston complex. The main question was still why were they out here feeding upon the denizens of Boston? I’d never seen them eat any...

  Well, okay, I really didn’t have any idea what the vamps fed them, if at all. I didn’t know much about them other than they had a knack for paperwork.

  “Who invited the stiffs?”

  “Don’t look at me,” I replied to Ed. “My dance card’s full.”

  The mystery of what these decaying assholes were doing would have to wait. We really didn’t need this distraction at the moment, what with James duking it out with Paul Bunyan over there.

  I strode toward the rotting assholes, intent on doing my part to keep this mess somewhat contained. “I got this.”

  Three shots rang out in the night, practically causing me to shit myself. Less than a second later, the zombies fell dead, or deader, to the ground - large chunks of their heads missing.

  I spun back to see Sally lowering her weapon. She made a dismissive noise and turned back to the fight.

  I trudged back over to where she stood. “I said I had this.”

  “Sorry, I needed to shoot something.”

  “Dude,” Dave whispered, nudging me. “Your friend is...”

  “Out of your league,” she finished for him.

  On that I couldn’t disagree.

  The whole exchange had taken maybe a minute, perhaps less. In that time, the battle had continued in much the same manner. James continued to frustrate Chuck with a combination of blocks and throws, each one hitting home with bone-jarring intensity. The craters littering the parking lot were testament to the power being displayed.

  Both opponents were bloodied, although superficially from the looks of things - like some kind of ultra-extreme version of Fight Club.

  Unfortunately, despite being on the receiving end of the worst of it, the big guy kept getting up - seemingly no worse for the wear.

  And that’s when it hit me. “He’s toying with James.”

  “What?” Ed asked.

  “The cameras. I doubt the fucking Neanderthal understands what they are, but he knows the others are inside watching. He’s purposely making a show of this.”

  “But why? If he could win that easily, then what rea...”

  Sally’s head turned toward us, understanding in her eyes. “Because he’s trying to send a message. He knows James is one of the First. They are the baddest of the bad. Cross them, and they will erase you without a second fucking thought.”

  “Thanks, we know all of that.”

  “Yeah, and what would you do if you came across a vamp who not only stood up to them, but took their best shots like they were nothing?”

  “Oh, shit.”

  “‘Oh, shit’ is right. James needs to end this, because with each punch he throws, he’s losing more and more.”

  The one thing he wasn’t losing, though, was his hearing. I had little doubt he was following us because, just then, he upped the ante on his attacks. Claws replaced fists, one of them cutting a deep furrow into the side of his foe.

  I finally began to understand what he’d been so worried about earlier, as well as maybe why some of the vamps inside were no longer compelled. Vampires were a disloyal bunch at heart. They only jumped when some bigger dog said so. This fucker was giving them a choice. Some of them were obviously taking him up on it.

  That still didn’t explain how he’d gotten through Boston’s defenses so easily, but it did speak to the threat he represented. If even a portion of our forces decided to throw their lot in with this asshole, it could be catastrophic to us in the current war effort.

  Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want to see Alexander win, but I sure as shit didn’t want the world overrun by Sasquatches either. I wanted...well, okay, I didn’t know exactly what I wanted other than maybe D - none of the above.

  Back on the battlefield/parking lot, James pressed the attack. He managed to get inside of his foe’s defenses and sink his claws into his midsection.

  All right; go, James! Show this cock-muffin that he can’t fuck with...

  Chuck responded by driving his head forward into his opponent’s face. The crunch of the blow resounded around us. Blood sprayed from James’s shattered nose and split lips. It looked like his head had almost caved in from the impact. He fell to his knees and withdrew his claws from the wound they’d opened - a wound which began to mend itself back together almost instantly.

  “You both thinking what I’m thinking?” I asked, raising my weapon.

  Sally flashed me a predatory smile that was both beautiful and terrifying. “Do you even need to ask, partner?”

  “Let’s ventilate us some asshole,” Ed added.

  “Do...not...” James sputtered at us, spitting out teeth.

  Sally ignored him and continued to take aim. “Fuck that noise.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I was tempted to warn her about not hitting James, but that was more of an issue for me than her. How embarrassing would that be? Thankfully, she was one step ahead of me there.

  “Hold your fire unless he comes at us...then feel free to blow as many holes in him as you like.”

  Whatever reply I may have had was drowned out by the roar of her massive handgun.

  Her first shot hit the goon in the back, right in the kidneys - opening a nasty-looking hole. To my surprise, though, he barely flinched.

  “Tough guy, eh?” she said and squeezed off another. This one clipped his shoulder and sent bone chips flying, resulting in at least a grunt of pain from our adversary. Meanwhile, the silver of the first bullet
was working its magic. The wound cauterized from the inside out as sparks replaced the blood spraying from it.

  Chuck finally turned his head toward us, his eyes black with anger. We’d gotten his attention.

  “That’s right, smile for mama...”

  A mass of lumbering arms and legs tackled her from behind before she could finish either the quip or the shot. I jumped back, surprised as all shit since my attention had been firmly directed ahead.

  There were three of them - disgusting, putrid...err, headless creatures wearing business casual. The zombies? What the fuck?!

  The three of them had her face down, via their superior leverage, and were using their hands to club at her. Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to process the hows and whys of this latest development. A quick glance out of the corner of my eye confirmed the cultist had bitch-slapped James to the side and was headed in our direction.

  Oh, crap. I wasn’t particularly looking forward to a rematch with this freak, but I didn’t exactly have much choice. I stepped in front of Sally and put myself between her and Chuck. “A little help here, if you don’t mind.”

  Ed, the crazy motherfucker that he was, didn’t hesitate for a second. Dave, on the other hand, still wasn’t quite with the program. Sadly for him, I didn’t have time to bring him up to speed.

  Fuck it.

  “HELP HER!!”

  I won’t lie and say it didn’t give me at least some slight amusement. I mean, hell, the guy had gleefully tortured my characters for years. Even so, I didn’t want to make it a habit. Too many vamps used compulsion to impose their will upon others. I had no intention of becoming one of those dickheads.

  Considering the angry moose headed my way, though, that wasn’t my biggest issue right then and there.

  I’d be lucky to live long enough to become a dickhead.

  Applying for Dismembership

  James was an honorable fellow. He no doubt wanted the vamps inside, the ones holding Calibra hostage, to see his victory as reassurance of the strength of the Draculas - a company man to the end. I didn’t have any such noble aspirations. My main driving force was to continue living in the absolute least painful manner possible.