The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  One of the humans called out, “Hey, where are you going?” That’s right, genius. Let them know exactly where we are.

  A moment later, Sally caught up to me. She was breathing hard, the exertion and lack of fresh blood beginning to catch up to her. Before she could say anything, I pointed toward the small pile on the ground that I was heading toward.

  “Holy shit, it’s our stuff.”

  “Hopefully, still in one piece.”

  The firearms lay where they’d been discarded, broken beyond repair. I mean, we could’ve used them as clubs, but I didn’t see much use there. The melee weapons, also known as gardening supplies in other circles, were likewise destroyed. Their handles had been snapped off, ensuring they wouldn’t be caving in any Jahabich skulls anytime soon.

  Thankfully, the rest of our gear was in much better shape. Sally grabbed one of the backpacks, while I found what I was looking for: the last remaining canteen of vampire blood.

  Bonus! Next to it lay my cell phone, the screen only slightly cracked. Fuck it; I’d take what I could get - upgrade fees were a bitch anyway. Stuffing the phone into a pocket on my chest piece, I quickly unscrewed the cap of the canteen and lifted it to my lips. Thankfully, it hadn’t leaked. Three cheers for military-grade equipment. I sucked down great big gulps of blood, my body gladly taking it in. Before I’d even put the cap back on, I could feel myself racing back toward the level of power afforded me by the mix of plasma.

  Sally watched me, eyeing the canteen hungrily. Although I knew better than to say anything, I felt bad for her. The effort she put forth to keep her shit together must have been heroic indeed. “Sorry, but it’ll do you more harm than...”

  “I know,” she replied. “I guess, for once, I have to live vicariously through you. Hell has finally frozen over.”

  It was then that the others finally caught up to us. Sadly, they weren’t alone. A dozen sets of orange eyes gleamed in the darkness behind them - quickly closing the gap. Shit!

  I turned to Sally. “Can you climb?”

  “I’ll fucking sprout wings if I need to.”

  “What about carrying anyone?”

  That gave her pause. I knew she wanted to give me the tough girl answer, but the tired look in her eyes betrayed her. At last, she looked away. “One...maybe two.”

  Damn. With Ed, we had...

  “I can handle that,” Miranda said. “I have enough in me to take everyone. We can apparate to the top no problem.”

  “Wait a second,” I said.

  “What’s the matter?”

  “I thought it wasn’t called apparating.”

  She looked at me like I had two heads. “What else would we call it?”

  “Uh...”

  “Hey, I have a crazy idea,” Ed jumped in. “Why don’t we worry about that after we get the fuck out of here?”

  Every team needs a voice of reason, and I certainly wasn’t going to argue.

  I turned to the group, ready to lead them back toward the perfectly circular tunnel leading out of here. The three humans looked like they were on their last legs, fear and adrenaline being the only things holding them up. Sally wasn’t much better off. Ed was beaten to hell, but only he and Miranda looked like they had any fight left in them. Damn it!

  “Go,” I said, turning to Sally. “Get them out of here. I’ll be right behind you.”

  She took a look behind me and apparently decided to forgo any stupid heroics. She simply nodded. “Don’t be too long. You really don’t want to be on this side when it’s time to open the little present Vlad and I planted earlier.”

  With that, she waved the group forward and started off toward the exit.

  Ed hesitated for a moment too long, so I grabbed him by the shirt and gently helped him along - to the tune of ten feet through the air in the direction he needed to go. He managed to land without too much effort, but finally got the hint. “Asshole!”

  “You’ll thank me for this later.” I turned, smiling, but the look vanished from my face as quickly as it had appeared.

  The Jahabich were here, and a very angry-looking Mark was at their forefront.

  Oh, great. Just what I was hoping to avoid: a heroic last stand.

  When the Walls Fell

  I tossed the canteen strap over my neck and swung it around to my back. I wanted to keep it safe as long as possible in case I needed a quick recharge - which, from the look of things, seemed likely.

  Oh well, there was no point in delaying the inevitable. I took a look around and spied one of the mallet heads lying on the spongey ground - just what the doctor ordered.

  I picked it up and let fly, putting what felt like the strength of the entirety of Pandora Coven behind it.

  Sadly, Mark was in his human form. I didn’t know exactly how things worked with these fuckers, but they appeared to possess more of their former self-awareness in their non-rocky form. Almost as if confirming this, his eyes opened wide as I threw the projectile and he dove to the side, valiantly letting the Jahabich behind him take it full on in the face. Its head caved in from the impact. The creature wavered drunkenly to the side for a moment and then its form lost cohesion. It began to transform back and forth, out of control - one moment flesh, the next rock. Finally, it solidified long enough for me to catch a small glimpse of Brock’s mangled features, just before keeling over.

  “Serves you right, fuck face.”

  Unfortunately, that was the cleverest thing I had time to utter before ducking a swing from another of the monsters. The top of my scalp tore as its jagged skin rubbed against mine, but I ignored the pain and followed up with a blow of my own - putting a fist-sized dent in the side of its head before shoving it away.

  Two more rushed forward, taking me low in the midsection. I went down, but managed to roll with the momentum, tossing them off before they could pin me to the ground.

  I immediately threw a kick to the crotch of the next in line. Sadly, there were no rock nuts to be found and I had to be content when it flew back and smashed into another of its buddies.

  I scrambled to my feet to avoid being caught in the prone position. Every gamer worth his salt knows it’s an automatic plus to hit for the opposing side. Screw that shit. These monsters had enough of an armor class advantage as it was.

  Another pair of them charged me and I couldn’t sidestep in time. I kicked out, using my superior height and reach to my advantage, and caught one in the chest, but the other got inside of my defenses. It wrapped its arms around me and, with a quick chuckle of triumph, sunk the obsidian daggers that made up its teeth into my shoulder.

  Fuck me!

  Vampire nerve endings work pretty much the same way human ones do - meaning I got to experience the wonderful feeling of my flesh and tendons tearing as the ugly fucker sank in to the bone. Had I not been flying high on vamp juice, it would have surely severed my arm. As it was, the ugly heap of rock held on tight, a stonework bear trap on legs, while its friends moved in from behind it.

  No fucking way was I going down like that. “That’s not a bite,” I said in a bad Australian accent. “This is a bite!” And with that, I sank my own fangs into the neckless juncture where its pumpkin-sized head met its body.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Any kid who’s ever eaten dirt knows it’s not the most wonderful of flavors. It tastes pretty much like its name suggests, with some extra grit thrown in for texture. This wasn’t much different. At my current power level, my teeth chewed through its rock-hard carapace like it was made of sugar glass and kept on digging - hoping to find the candy surprise inside.

  Apparently, it wasn’t too pleased at my attempt to discover how many licks it took to get to the center. It let go of me and screeched a sound like tires squealing against pavement as a driver slams on the brakes to avoid a squirrel in the road.

  There was a moment’s pause as I considered the oddly specific metaphor running through my head, then I shoved the creature back with
everything I had - sending it tumbling into three of its friends.

  Now, if I could just repeat that a few more times, I’d be home free. Sadly, they had other plans as, just then, something slammed into the back of my head - erasing the scalp there and making me see stars.

  Powerful stone arms reached around me and pinned my arms in a full nelson. Maybe I could’ve powered out of it, but not before severing my arms against the sharp rock-like hide of the creature. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see its massive head next to mine. If it bit down now, there was no fucking way I’d be able to do anything except die.

  But it didn’t. Its face shimmered and melted - quickly replaced by a familiar grinning countenance - Mark’s. Oh, fuck me sideways with a wood lathe!

  “You know, for the legendary savior of the vampire race, you sure are a fucking idiot.” His breath smelled like dirt, moss, and mildew...gross.

  “Works for me,” I replied, struggling to free my body without literally disarming myself. “Everyone in the supernatural world is so busy patting themselves on the back for being super geniuses that when a moron comes along, they have no clue how to handle it.”

  I looked up. The scattered Jahabich, of which there were more than enough to mess up my day good and proper, were getting back to their feet and turning in my direction. I needed to think of something quickly.

  “You have no idea how good you could have had it,” Mark said. “I’ve seen the way you look at her. What man wouldn’t? But are you aware of the backstabbing viper that lurks beneath that pretty face?”

  “Trust me, well aware.”

  “We would have scraped that away, saving the good parts. She would have been beautiful forever, but much more compliant.”

  “Uh huh. Not the first time I’ve heard some guy make that claim.”

  “I would have shared her with you. We could have been brothers, and she our willing servant.”

  “I’m all for threesomes, dude, but not of the two-guy variety - sorry. I just don’t see any appeal in us rubbing our rock junk together.”

  Oh shit, his friends were closing in and I was still held tight. C’mon, think of something, stupid!

  “Cute,” he replied. “I used to be like you, thinking a clever joke would get me out of anything. But I learned the hard way life is not that easy. I had to pull myself up by my fingernails, suffering all the way, but I became better. No matter what happened to me...no matter what tried to kill me, I survived. I have had my back against the wall my entire life, been slammed into it repeatedly, but I’ve learned to push back.” His face hardened once again, and his eyes opened wide until orange Hell light spewed forth from them. “Now you will too.”

  Oh, crap...

  Wait, what was that about being slammed into the wall? Holy shit, I am such a fucking moron.

  “Well, consider this another life lesson.” I bent and twisted my shoulder. For a second, I wasn’t sure I had it right, but then Mark was flying over my shoulder in a spectacular - for me anyway - Judo throw. He slammed into the approaching monsters as if shot from a cannon, sending granite chips flying everywhere and knocking the whole group ass over teakettle.

  Fucking-A! I almost wished I hadn’t already killed Brock. He might’ve been proud to know I’d been sorta paying attention after all.

  Oh well, now definitely wasn’t the time to stand around waiting for applause. I flipped my middle finger to the bunch of them, mentally directing most of it at Mark, then took off like the devil was on my heels...mainly because, in a few seconds, he probably would be.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I was pleased to see my friends had mostly heeded common sense and made a run for it. I was less pleased to see Sally amongst the debris that littered the entrance leading to the long climb outta here.

  She was on her knees, rummaging through the backpack she’d managed to salvage.

  “Don’t tell me,” I said, catching up to her, “you need to touch up your eye shadow before climbing back up to the sewers.”

  “Did you kill Mark?”

  “Well...not really.”

  “Then here’s an idea: why don’t you shut the fuck up and not bother me?” Frustrated, she emptied the contents onto the ground - bandages, a flashlight, a tube of lipstick - Jesus fucking Christ - and various other items fell out. “Where is it?”

  “What?”

  “The fucking remote detonator!”

  “What detonator?”

  “The one I need to detonate these, genius.” She pointed to several bundled items attached to the debris, the wall, and the ceiling.

  Holy crap. “I see you and Vlad were busy.”

  “Well, we sure as shit didn’t come back here to make out.” She threw the pack to the side in disgust. “They must’ve recognized it.”

  “Maybe it just fell out back there.” I hooked a thumb.

  “Do you want to go and search?”

  “Not really.”

  “Well then, how...”

  “What’s going on?” a voice called from further down in the tunnel. It was Miranda. She was approaching us with Ed by her side, a flashlight beam illuminating their way.

  “Just fucking great,” Sally snarled softly before raising her voice. “I thought you were going to teleport everyone up top.”

  “I thought you were going to just be a minute.”

  “What’s wrong?” Ed asked as the two joined us.

  I was tempted to reply with something appropriately pithy, but I took a quick glance behind me. Numerous angry orange eyes were closing in on us. “Sally rigged this cave to blow, but she can’t find the detonator.”

  Insanely enough, Ed didn’t even blink at this revelation. Guess he’d been hanging around with us too much as of late. “Can’t we just shoot the explosives?”

  “With what?” Sally’s eyes turned black with frustration. “These fuckers broke all our noise makers.”

  “That’s it, then,” I said. “It was a good try, but we need to get moving. Hopefully, we can beat these fuckers back to Pandora’s Box and get some reinforcem...”

  “Wait,” Miranda said. “Would enough heat set these off?”

  Sally shook her head. “It’s too stable. It needs more than that; an explosion to set off an explosion.”

  “I could do that. Fire magic is one of my specialties. Just tell me how far back to stand and...”

  “All the way,” Sally said. “We can’t be in the cave when these things go off...”

  “Uh, guys,” I said, pointing.

  “Even if the entire thing doesn’t collapse, the shockwave will tear apart anyone that’s...”

  “Guys!”

  They stopped and turned toward me.

  “We’re out of time.”

  Sure enough, the Jahabich, with Mark in the lead, were converging on us. We had maybe thirty seconds and they’d be all over us like new suits.

  If the tunnel had been narrower, it might’ve made a good choke point to fight them off. As it was, though, it was way too wide to give our small group a tactical advantage.

  “Fuck!” Sally cried in frustration. I could see why. Mark was now close enough that we could see the predatory grin on his face. He might as well have had a graphic superimposed over him that read, “Game Over.”

  “We need to run.” I grabbed hold of Sally’s arm and began to drag her back toward...

  “No,” Miranda said, stepping past us. She raised her hands, screamed something incoherent, and a ball of green flame shot out from her. The Jahabich scrambled out of the way in time, but it bought us a few more seconds.

  “Thanks,” I said. “Now we really need to...”

  “I said no. I’ll hold them off while you run.”

  “But...”

  “And then I’m going to give these assholes the biggest surprise of their lives. Just be sure to be out of the tunnel by then.”

  “Good luck,” Sally said as she turned. Goddamn, what a heartles
s bitch.

  “Wait, we can’t just let her do this.”

  “Bill’s right,” Ed said. “We...ugh!”

  He was cut off mid-agreement by Sally’s fist. Before he could hit the floor, she’d scooped him up and tossed him over her shoulder. With a nod, she took off into the darkness.

  It was a surprisingly effective way to end an argument. Heck, if it worked for Ed, I didn’t see any reason why it wouldn’t work for...

  “Don’t even think it, vampire,” Miranda snarled. I turned back to find another orb of green flame dancing on her fingertips. Her stance said she hadn’t quite decided which way to throw it.

  “Miranda, this isn’t the way to...”

  “Just shut up and listen. The last few nights, I’ve had dreams...dreams of my husband.”

  “What?”

  She smiled. It was sad, but tinged ever so slightly with hope. “I think it was a vision, a sign. I think he was telling me that it was time for us to be together again.”

  “That’s crazy!”

  “Is it? I don’t think so. I’m tired of all of this and I miss him. You have no idea how much.”

  I momentarily thought of Sheila and when I’d been convinced that she was dead. I had more of an idea than she knew.

  Her grin widened. “Besides, I knew this was a one-way trip when I signed up for it. It’s okay. I get to see Carl again and maybe even bring a bunch of these fuckers with me as an entourage.”

  A bellow of rage sounded at the mouth of the larger cavern. The Jahabich were here.

  “Go!”

  There was no time left to argue. Goddamn it all!

  “Thank you,” I said softly.

  “Oh, and Bill,” she said. “I can tell you’re different from the rest. Don’t ever forget your human friends - your humanity.”

  “I won’t.”

  Miranda turned away from me and the glow intensified around her. This was definitely not the time for long goodbyes.

  I turned and ran, putting every ounce of speed into my stride.

  I was going to need it.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  The spongey ground beneath my feet wasn’t made for sprinting, so I found myself long jumping down the tunnel, using the give of the ground to my advantage...and trying my best to not clonk my head against the ceiling. That would’ve been a hell of a way to check out.