The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  Christy threw her manacled arms around Tom. “Thank the Mother you’re all right!” She sobbed into his shoulder.

  “Hey, babe,” he replied casually, as if he’d just gotten back from the store. Yes, they made for quite the interesting couple.

  Christy pulled back from the embrace, wiping a few tears from her eyes once it became obvious her boyfriend was okay. She glanced around and saw us there too. Confusion reigned on her face for a moment as she took it all in. Then her gaze landed on mine and, within seconds, anger replaced confusion.

  Oh, shit, what did I do now?

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Red-hot power gathered behind her eyes, but it went no further than that, no doubt due to the magic-restraining bonds shackling her. To my surprise and relief, though, Christy gritted her teeth and spun toward where the Draculas sat.

  “What is the meaning of this?” she spat in their direction. “I am of the Magi, afforded neutrality under the provisions set forth in the Humbaba Accord. I have no quarrel with vampire-kind, nor do I answer to your laws. I demand to know why I and my fiancé have been detained in this manner.”

  “Fiancé?” Tom and I both uttered.

  Christy spun and directed a glare at him that would have melted steel. Needless to say, he shut the fuck up quick. She then turned to me and her gaze softened. She mouthed, “Sorry” before turning back to face the First.

  Her meaning was clear enough to me. She wasn’t beholden to vampire law, but Sally and I were. Hell, Ed probably was now too, thanks to whoever had signed him up for Pandora Coven. That was fine. I trusted Christy and had little doubt she’d do what she could to help us out once she was clear of this mess.

  As for the rest, I’ll admit I took some amusement in seeing the looks on the faces of the guards surrounding us. Hell, I wouldn’t have had the balls to talk to the Draculas like that aloud and I was known for pissing them off. Best yet, I could see that reaction reflected in the eyes of at least some of the fuckers sitting up there in judgment of us. They weren’t used to being talked to in such a manner.

  Sadly, whatever shock the other Draculas might have felt didn’t register with Alex. “Well said, Christine Angelique Fenton - Magi of the Eastern Seaboard,” he replied. “However, I might question your comment regarding no quarrel with our kind. Did not your master wage war against Village Coven of New York?”

  I opened my mouth with the intent of protesting. Christy had been the only member of her coven who hadn’t actively tried to fuck me over by way of disintegrating the pack of assholes who had once been my coven. Thankfully, Sally planted an elbow in my side before I could say anything that might make our situation worse.

  It seemed that my help was unnecessary anyway, as Christy remained unfazed by the challenge. “My master, gods watch over his soul, had quarrel with the Freewill, as I believe the esteemed First Coven is aware, Alexander of Macedon.”

  Alex raised an eyebrow, but then grinned, apparently pleased she knew who he was. That made sense. From what I’d seen of him, both in person and in that movie where Angelina Jolie played his MILF of a mom, he was far more likely to give quarter to those who surprised him by being clever or unorthodox rather than lackeys.

  “Have a care, sorceress,” Theodora growled. “Neutral or not, your tone is insol...”

  “That will be enough,” Alex cut her off. Theodora didn’t appear to appreciate that one bit. She opened her mouth, but he started talking again, pretty much dismissing her. Dick. “I apologize for any rudeness on the part of my people or my coven.”

  Maybe it was me, but I could have sworn a lot of First Coven fur was bristled by that remark. Only Yehoshua and James appeared to be stoic in the face of it.

  “You are, of course, correct,” Alex continued. “The Magi are not subject to our laws, and the potential act of war perpetrated by your master was offset by the circumstances.”

  I had to bite my tongue. Circumstances? He was talking about Harry Decker going batshit about the Icon. The news of her emergence had sent shockwaves throughout the supernatural community, but before full-on panic could descend, the vamps had joined forces with the mages to hunt her down and obliterate her. As far as they were concerned, it had been a successful mission. As far as I was concerned, though, it had only resulted in the deaths of a lot of assholes who’d deserved it - Decker and his followers included.

  Alex stood and held his hands open in a gesture suggesting supplication. “I would thus apologize and ask the guards to free you and your companion, begging your forgiveness for the slight.” He nodded his head toward Christy and she appeared to relax.

  She stepped forward, but Alex held up a hand. “I would do all of these things were you still protected by virtue of your association with the Magi.” He turned toward the crowd and scanned for someone or something. Finally, he asked, “What say you, esteemed Grand Mentor?”

  All eyes turned to follow his gaze.

  “What?” Christy gasped.

  A white bearded man stood up at the far edge of the crowd.

  “Who let Saruman in?” Ed whispered to me.

  I had to nod. The guy in question was, for all intents and purposes, your stereotypical-looking Hollywood wizard. He could have passed as Merlin, Dumbledore, or any of a dozen wizened mages from pop culture. Long, flowing robes covered his body and he leaned on a staff to round out the look. Christ, he was either the real deal or had been kidnapped from the local Comic Con.

  “I say nay. I name this child as a heretic to our ways.” Scratch that last part. When he spoke, it reverberated throughout the room - the barest glow surrounding his body.

  Christy’s eyes narrowed. “I acknowledge thee, Mentor of the Great Plains, but say you have no authority over me. By what right and cause do you name me heretic?”

  Whoa, this shit was starting to get Shakespearean. It reminded me of the bullshit ceremony Sally had to oversee for Village Coven after we ganked Night Razor, the asshole who turned me into a vamp. What was it with mystical creatures and their fucking ritualistic bullshit, especially when most of them didn’t normally speak as if they’d just stepped out of a comic book?

  “By what right?” the old man boomed, tapping his staff to the floor and causing a crack of thunder to reverberate around the room. Under normal circumstances, I’m sure it would have been impressive, but the gathered creatures, imps, and other assorted weirdos barely batted an eye. “I called Master Decker brother of the mystic arts.”

  Brother? I assumed it was figurative, but either way, any brother of Decker’s was automatically an asshole in my book. I normally didn’t let my thoughts stray toward things murderous, but a small part of me wouldn’t have minded seeing this guy’s skull as a matching bookend on Sally’s desk.

  “My cause is justice itself, justice for the betrayed!” Mysterio waved his staff in a circle and the air next to him began to shimmer. Sparks danced for a moment as a shape began to take form, gradually becoming clearer. When the veil, or whatever it was, had finished decloaking, a young woman stood by his side.

  Who the hell...

  “No,” Christy gasped.

  “Oh, shit,” Sally added.

  I turned and looked again. For a moment, I had no clue what they were talking about, but then I realized the woman looked ever so slightly familiar. Nah, it couldn’t be.

  “Sister,” Christy said sadly. “Forgive me.”

  “Forgive you?” the witch asked contemptuously. “You who sided with these beasts? You who betrayed our master? You who would be the harbinger of our doom?!” With each question, she got a little more frantic, unhinged. It was the harbinger of doom line that finally clued me in. The Magi had a prophecy about that, one which had ultimately been Harry Decker’s downfall.

  I leaned over and whispered to Sally, “I’m gonna go out on a limb here and assume one got away.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I really should learn sign language. Even the barest whisper of an insul
t in a room full of beings with supernatural abilities tended to get a bit of an overreaction. The old mage immediately waved his arms, a beam of red hot energy forming around him.

  As fast as he was, though, James was faster.

  “NO!!” The compulsion rang out in his voice just as the wizard unleashed his death ray at me. Before I had a chance to even kiss my ass goodbye, one of the vampire guards dove in front of it, taking the brunt. He glowed for a moment before exploding in a shower of sparks and dust.

  Note to self: remember not to piss off wizards.

  With that, the crowd went nuts, losing whatever semblance of decorum a bunch of disgusting monsters might have. Cups, rolled up paper, and even a broken off piece of wooden bannister came flying in our direction. Cries of outrage followed, most of them seemingly directed at what an insensitive asshole I was for not dying when I was supposed to.

  The guards formed ranks around us, blocking the worst of it. This continued for several minutes before a compulsion loud enough to make my head spin reverberated throughout the room. “ENOUGH!!”

  Though it didn’t appear to affect many of the creatures present, an equal number were bowled right over by the sheer force. I turned and saw Ed and Christy trying to get Tom to his feet, blood dripping from both of his ears.

  It had the desired result, though. The crowd immediately settled down...those who were still standing, anyway.

  “Thank you,” Alex said evenly, once the worst had passed. He turned toward the far end, where James had resumed his morose grousing. “My appreciation, Wanderer.” He nodded before addressing the crowd again. “I would kindly ask that allies and guests alike please refrain from summary executions until such time as judgment is passed.”

  He waited a beat to see if there would be further interruption. When there wasn’t any, he turned back toward where the old wizard still stood. “As you were saying, Mentor?”

  The old guy flashed me the stink eye for a moment before taking a breath and composing himself. “This child with me is witness to the betrayal. The Magi are beholden to few rules, but those we have we hold dearly. To turn one’s back on one’s brothers and sisters is to spit upon the face of Kala the White herself, our blessed law giver, and all she has taught us. I say this woman sided with the enemy of us all, the beast that shall be our downfall.”

  “You don’t know...” Christy started.

  “I say you are Magi no more! I name thee heretic, little more than a vampire’s thrall - beholden to their laws and punishment as they see fit.”

  A hush fell over the crowd as his booming voice finished. To add insult to injury, he and the witch beside him turned their backs upon us. Ooh, a shunning...harsh.

  “Call it whatever you want, old man!” Christy fired back, breaking the silence and all pretense of ceremony. “You can call it betrayal all you want. I call it standing up for what’s right...standing by my friends.”

  She looked to say more, but the sound of slow clapping interrupted us. It was Alex, looking smugger than ever as he brought his hands together in the most condescending golf clap I’d ever seen. “Truly a noble sentiment,” he said, almost convincing me that he meant it. “I applaud you for it. Alas, the Grand Mentor represents the interests of the Magi in this gathering and he has spoken. I am afraid you shall have to stand with the others.”

  Christy visibly deflated, having been soundly outmaneuvered by the more experienced player. She drew in a great hitching breath that told me she wanted to cry, but wasn’t about to in front of this crowd.

  Tom, proving that he wasn’t a complete dumbass, moved to her side and put a comforting hand on her shoulder. She leaned in to him, taking what support he could give. Of course, then he had to go and open his idiot mouth. “It was a nice try.”

  A sigh escaped from Sally’s throat as Ed turned to me. “We’re completely fucked, aren’t we?”

  “Yep, pretty much.” I stepped forward. Christy had possessed balls enough to face down this crowd without blinking. Could I do any less? Also, it was kind of embarrassing for a heavily pregnant woman to completely show me up. The only solace I could take was that apparently my friends were just as big of pussies as I was.

  It was time to man up - at least a little bit. “Okay, enough with the dog and pony show,” I said, putting every bit of machismo I had into my voice. As expected, the assembled vamps all acted as if I’d personally shit in their mother’s teacup. If you gotta go, then you might as well go big. “You’ve got us here. Now I want to know why.”

  If I didn’t have the attention of the Draculas before, I sure as shit did now. Their expressions ranged from bemusement - Alex - to outrage - eleven others - to outright horror. That last one was James, who I saw mouth the word “no” to me. A little too late for that advice, I might say.

  I gave the barest of shrugs. We were already in the lion’s den. Fuck that, we were standing in the lion’s mouth and it was only a matter of time before it decided to start chewing.

  Unholy Rollers

  Alex stood once more. Through a combination of his experience, rank, and location, he looked down upon me. I tried to put on a brave front as his eyes bored holes through me, but I half expected to be sentenced to death right then and there.

  Instead, he simply said, “You look well, Freewill. Your time away from our hospitality has been kind, I see.”

  Hospitality? So I was right. This whole fucking thing was about my escape. I’d embarrassed the leader of the Draculas and, worse, threw a spanner into the negotiations he’d been conducting with Druaga. Maybe this was his way of setting things right with the oversized gecko. That would explain the death god’s presence. Maybe if they sacrificed me, they could get their fucking treaty back on track. Well, fuck that.

  I glanced around at the packed auditorium. If he wanted to play hardball, I had a stick of my own to use - my knowledge of his closet full of Freewill heads. I might not get out of this one alive, but I could certainly take him down a peg in the process.

  I considered this. Alex was a smart guy. He no doubt knew the ammunition I had to use. So maybe there was a way to use it to my advantage. “My friends had nothing to do with this. Let them go and I’ll cooperate.”

  “Cooperate? I think you are mistaken, child.” A murmur of laughter rose up from the crowd. Supernatural cocksuckers. “This is not a negotiation. This is a trial.”

  “I kind of figured that.” I couldn’t help but notice that while Alex didn’t seem to have a problem with my attitude, the other Draculas bristled at it. Hell, Theodora was completely against him, and yet right about then she looked like she’d gladly snap my neck without a second thought. What an arrogant bunch of pricks.

  Okay, maybe I needed to ramp down the attitude just a bit. I took a deep breath and tried again. “Regardless, my friends are innocent. Let them go and you can try me to your heart’s content.”

  “Innocent, are they? So are you here to tell me that none of them were present, despite the report your colleague here gave to the contrary, during the incident with the Icon?”

  “What? That’s what this is about?” Oh, shit. I should have guessed by what had just happened with Christy.

  Even so, I definitely needed to keep my shit together now. There’d been no survivors from the other side, as far as I knew, at least none that had been present for the final battle and subsequent aftermath.

  I glanced at my friends and Sally nodded. It said it all. As long as we kept to our story, we had a shot at getting out of this.

  I turned back toward Alex and swallowed every “fuck you” that wanted to escape my lips. “My apologies, Lord Alexander. I did not realize that situation was the one in question.”

  “Oh, you have other transgressions, perhaps, you wish to confess?”

  I would have loved to have removed the wry smile from his face with a baseball bat, but I once more held back my true feelings. There were other lives at stake here, two of whom were only a few months a
way from the joys of changing diapers and three AM feedings. “No. It’s just been a long week.”

  Okay, that was fucking lame.

  “What I meant to ask was why are we all here? I believe Sally, coven master of Pandora, gave a full accounting of...”

  “Former coven master,” one of the other Draculas spat, a gaunt, dark-skinned man who looked to be reaching the end of his patience.

  “Thank you, Vargas,” Alex said offhandedly, keeping his attention focused on me like I was a bug under a microscope.

  “Yes, that’s what I meant,” I replied, not daring to turn back and see how badly Sally was probably killing me with her gaze. “Anyway, I believe she gave a full accounting of what happened.”

  “She did. However, you did not.”

  The asshole knew damn well why I hadn’t, but was twisting the screw - maybe hoping I’d contradict Sally’s well-crafted bullshit. Fuck that. I may not be a master strategist who once conquered the known world, but I was smart enough to have my stories straight. “I was...indisposed following the battle.”

  “Indisposed?”

  “Yes. After I...” It’s only a story, I reminded myself. “After I killed the Icon, my Freewill nature got the better of me. I was lost to the bloodlust for a time.”

  “So you stand before us the conquering hero?”

  Okay, not sure where this was going, but I had a feeling it was a trap I didn’t want to walk into. “I’m no hero. I just did what needed to be done.”

  “Very well.” He sat back down in his chair, his mismatched eyes continuing to stare through me. It was starting to get a bit creepy. Finally, he nodded toward one of the guards who stood at attention before us.

  The guard saluted and said, “William Ryder, Freewill and former master of Village Coven, you and your associates are called forth before the glorious First Coven. You are hereby charged with treason against the First and the laws they have set. All glory to their wisdom!”

  Oh, Jesus Christ. It was all I could do not to gag at the ass-kissing on display.