The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  Uh...okay.

  With my current injuries, I really couldn’t afford for blood to start rushing to my crotch, so I did my best to think unsexy thoughts...Gan handcuffing me to a bed...yeah, that did it.

  Unfortunately, it almost did me too. Mark was rushing blindly toward my position, driven into a frothing rage by Sally’s disturbingly X-rated taunts. A few more moments of daydreaming and I’d have been pulverized.

  He was nearly within range, so I grabbed the back of the refrigerator and shoved...

  ...and it didn’t budge. What the fuck?!

  Oh shit, he was almost on me.

  I quickly gave the fridge a once over. Was the fucking thing bolted to the floor? No, as it turned out, it was bolted to the wall. Goddamned nuclear bunkers. Did they need to take every fucking precaution under the sun?

  “Any year now,” Sally growled, trying her best to slow him down.

  “Working on it.”

  I grabbed hold of the appliance again and heaved with everything I had, definitely not doing my innards any good. Motherfucking military-grade bolts!

  Finally, though, a squeal of metal on metal rang out as the mooring started to pry lose.

  Unfortunately, I was also out of time. Homing in on our banter, Mark took a massive swing, intent on making sure one couldn’t tell where my head ended and the metal of the refrigerator began.

  I ducked, and he hit it on the side full on - leaving a dent big enough to have fit my cranium had I been obliging enough to stay put.

  He wasn’t finished, though. Apparently tired of the blonde monkey on his back, he spun and slammed Sally into the front of the appliance with a massive crunch.

  Oh no!

  That was more than even she could take. Battered and bloodied, she started to lose her grip on his back.

  He must have sensed this too, because once more, his form shimmered and, this time, his hands resumed their human guise. He reached back, grabbed a handful of her hair, and slammed her over his shoulder into the floor.

  I still wasn’t in very good shape, but I managed to stand up straight, ready to do whatever it took to save her. I stepped forward to engage him, only to receive a contemptuous backhand that sent me crashing into the wall.

  Mark, his eyes now free of fist-shaped debris, completed his transformation back to his human-looking self. He glanced at me, chuckled, and then turned away as if I was no threat. Unfortunately, he was probably right in that regards.

  “Now, little Lucinda, I believe you and I have a long overdue date with destiny.”

  I steadied myself for another charge, hoping maybe this time was the charm, when something out of the corner of my eye caught my attention. Holy crap. Whatever damage Mark had inflicted upon the fridge had actually freed it from its mooring. There was no time to lose.

  I had no idea if she was still conscious or not, but I couldn’t afford to wait. I grabbed hold of the heavy structure and pushed with everything I had left. “Sally, move!”

  Amazingly, she rolled to the side as Mark spun around just in time to see several hundred pounds of the finest in Uncle Sam’s reserve of food storage devices topple down on him. He hit the floor, the fridge pinning him from the chest down, but I didn’t have any delusions. That kind of weight might have crushed a human, but when dealing with beings of supernatural strength, such items were often a minor inconvenience at best.

  Of course, even minor inconveniences could be fatal when a person such as myself, happily willing to take cheap shots at a downed foe, was around. Before Mark could topple the stainless steel box off of him, I stepped around and delivered a kick to his head that would’ve punted a Jeep onto its side.

  Fuck me!

  And pretty much broke all my toes in the process. It was worth it, though, as his head whipped to the side, stunned.

  Limping badly, I debated my next move when I saw something being tossed in my direction. I caught it and looked up to see Sally had a similar hunk of metal in hand - having just torn the legs off a nearby table. She looked like hell - splattered in blood, clothes torn to shreds, and with numerous cuts and abrasions covering her. None of that diminished her in the slightest, though. She was still beautiful - perhaps more so than ever - her eyes shining with black fury as she stepped to the opposite side of Mark.

  He blinked a few times, no doubt clearing the cobwebs, then focused on us just as she raised the weapon above her head.

  “Consider this our official breakup, lover. Oh, and in case you were wondering, I faked every single time.”

  The Cleanup Crew

  I felt safe in assuming that would be the last time Mark darkened our doorstep, unless someone happened to wander by with a shitload of industrial-strength epoxy. A part of me felt a bit of regret, though. Despite Sally’s iron exterior, I could tell offing her ex had been more a necessity than something she truly wanted to do. I also doubted the Jahabich as a whole would be so easily dissuaded from coming after Ed, for whatever asshole reasons they had, but for now, I could at least try to be comforting.

  As we limped away from the scene of the battle, I put a hand on her shoulder. “Hey, if you want to talk, I just want you to know...”

  In one violent action, she grabbed me by my shirt and shoved me against the wall - hard enough to make me wish I’d waited until I was fully healed before saying anything.

  “Just because we fought off my asshole ex together doesn’t mean we’re friends. I want you to listen and listen well. I am not a nice person. I killed my own sister, ripped her still beating heart out of her fucking chest. I have no problem doing the same thing to you if you piss me off.”

  Whoa. I didn’t know that. Of course, she could have just been acting all tough to try to keep her bitch queen reputation intact. Still, something in her eyes told me I didn’t want to pick that moment to push my luck.

  “Do I need to repeat myself?”

  “Nope.” I held my hands up in surrender. “Heard you loud and clear.” It wasn’t that I was worried about her killing me right then, but she was in prime position to smash her knee into my two best friends in the world.

  “Good, just so there’s no confusion on the subject.” She turned and took a few steps further down the hall.

  “You really don’t remember anything, do you?” It was a stupid question and I knew it. Alex himself had compelled her. If he had said her name was Bonzo the dancing monkey, she’d be doing cartwheels and begging for bananas. Even so, one couldn’t blame a guy for trying.

  “I...” Her eyes faded from focus for a moment, as if she was doing some internal soul searching. “I don’t know. It’s all a jumble. Some memories are clear as day, but with others, it’s just fog. I do know one thing, though.” She pointed a clawed finger at me. “I don’t remember your face in any of them, and something is telling me to stay away from you.”

  “And you would be wise to heed that advice, my darling child.”

  We both turned to see Alex step round a corner. His outfit was smudged and his hair slightly mussed, but he otherwise appeared fresh as a daisy. He was also alone.

  I stopped dead in my tracks, a deer in the headlights. Had I not gotten the piss recently beaten out of me, I was certain it would now be running down my leg.

  “Lord Alexander,” she said, dropping to one knee. I found myself wondering if he’d had something to do with that as well. Under other circumstances, she’d have been about as likely to flip him off as curtsey.

  “Rise, child,” he replied dismissively, smiling at me. “As I was saying, this one is a sower of discord. Where he steps, chaos blooms. That he has allied himself with the Shining One is fair testament to that.”

  I stood my ground, my eyes darting left and right. Where the fuck was...

  “If you are hoping for Lady Gansetseg’s timely arrival, you can spare yourself the trouble.”

  “What did you do to her?”

  “Do not be so melodramatic. Our attackers are being rout
ed as per my strategy. I merely ordered her to assist Vargas in his continued offensive to purge them from these halls. Interestingly enough, the resolve of our foes seems to have wavered in the past several minutes. Nevertheless, I expect my forces to be busy for a while yet.”

  That was interesting. I knew they’d been after Ed, but I had to wonder how much of Mark’s insane desire for revenge had been leaking upstream, polluting their network, and keeping them going even after it became obvious they had no idea where he was. “They’ll be back.”

  “Oh, and you have some insight into this?”

  “Not really, but I know assholes. They always seem to find a way to pop up again.”

  Alex actually chuckled, his knowing grin evident he most certainly got my little double entendre. “I have never lied to you, Freewill. What I said stands. Your unique way of communicating is truly a breath of fresh air.”

  “Yeah, and he seems to like doing it a lot,” Sally commented. Bitch.

  “Indeed.”

  “Oh, so you’ve never lied. Well then, I’m free to go?”

  “How so?”

  “Didn’t you say you’d let us go if we went on your little suicide mission?”

  “I said no such thing. I offered you clemency, if you will recall my exact words.”

  “Well, then...”

  “And I believe I also stated our truce would hold only so long as none of our kind fell to the Icon’s blade. I dare say, poor Thea might take offense if I were to fail to uphold that part of the pact.”

  “Yeah, but you’re the motherfucker who...”

  “Be mindful, Freewill. I am tolerant of you to a degree, but the First do not take lightly to accusations. We are above reproach.”

  Translation: I am above the law.

  Goddamn it. Would any vampires even fucking believe me if I tried?

  Sally? Maybe if she ever found all her missing marbles.

  Gan? Fuck, she was so insanely infatuated I could have told her I hated corn and she’d have run off to Kansas and killed every farmer in sight. That was about it, though. At the end of the day, anyone else who had doubts would probably keep their mouths shut and toe the party line. “So, I’m fucked.”

  “That depends on one’s point of view. I still have use for your power. I suspect the beast inside of you merely slumbers, waiting for the right moment to awaken. We have lost much today, so I do not feel particularly selfish in claiming you as a prize.”

  I backed up a step. Oh crap.

  “I believe an appropriate penance will be for you to resume your training from before you escaped the Chateau.”

  “What are you...?”

  “Hush, child,” he said dismissively to Sally before addressing me again. “Despite being under no pretense to do so, I will also grant you the boon of clemency I promised. It will be painless for your human friend and the Icon.”

  I raised an eyebrow to that.

  “The witch,” he continued, “sadly, she did not survive the battle, a story which will appease her people. As for the oddity, he warrants further study.”

  “I won’t...”

  “You will not what? Let me? Boy, you are alone against the First of the First. You have no chance of escape, no hope of victory, and no allies to call upon.”

  I brought up a hand and began to rub my right arm as if massaging my sore muscles. He was right on those first two, but maybe not so on the last.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “Only use it if you get in trouble.”

  “I’m not bringing you into a fight. That’s final.”

  “Fine, then use it after you find Sally. That’ll be our cue to get out of here.”

  That, I happily agreed to.

  Christy had pulled me aside before Gan and I had left. I figured it was to wish me luck, thus I was a bit taken aback when she rolled up her sleeve and cut her wrist using a sliver of broken glass she’d procured from somewhere.

  “What the hell are you doing?” I whispered. “I’m fine now. You don’t have to worry about me...”

  “Relax; I’m not. That room is warded. I can’t send us to your location while we’re inside, but that also means I won’t be able to scry on you either to see if you’re okay. I think this will get through, though.”

  As I raised a quizzical eyebrow, she dipped one finger into the blood and began to trace a symbol onto her forearm with it.

  “I repeat, what are you doing?”

  “Blood magic, similar to the wards I set up while you were at Sheila’s place. Not my specialty, mind you. Most of it is used for...not very nice things, but I know a few tricks. It’s powerful stuff; should be enough to get through even in there. Roll up your sleeve.”

  “Why?”

  “Just do it and don’t argue.” Her voice had the tone of someone who would be just as happy to flash fry me than receive “no” for an answer.

  “Okay, okay...” I did as she asked, ready for her to slice me too, but she merely repeated the action with her blood, drawing a matching symbol on me. “This isn’t going to burn off my arm or anything, is it?”

  “Hopefully not.”

  Yeah, that filled me with all sorts of confidence. I took a moment to look over what she had traced on my forearm. Odd - it looked vaguely familiar, as if I’d seen it or something similar before. I told her as much.

  “Oh?” she asked, surprised. “You can read Enochian?”

  “Enochian?”

  “Angelic script.” Seeing my eyebrows arch, she explained, “It’s just called that. It’s the secret language of spell crafters. We’ve used it for thousands of years. As for the angel part, you get a few normal people who see it written down, then watch us do our thing and they tend to jump to conclusions.”

  “Oh, that’s kinda...disappointing.”

  “Real life often is, compared to fantasy.”

  I held my tongue from asking if that applied to Tom too. I had a feeling that would just get me another harsh glare. “So what’s it do?”

  “If something happens or you need us, smudge the symbol. It’s my blood, so the sister ward on my arm will instantly react to it. Assuming those monsters aren’t busy battering down our door, we can step outside and I can bring us right to you.”

  “It’s too dangerous,” I protested, which brought us full circle to Christy’s plan for using it as our signal to vamoose.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Alex took another step toward me and I continued pretending to scratch an itch that wasn’t there. I hated to bring my friends here, as this was even worse than the potential danger I’d been trying to avoid, but it sounded like they were up shit’s creek anyway. Better to face our fate together than alone and not knowing what had happened to each other. Hopefully, they’d even agree with that logic.

  I glanced over at Sally. Her eyes met mine and she inclined her head apologetically, not that I blamed her. There were some fights you took your chances with and others...well, others, you stepped aside rather than get steamrolled. At least she didn’t look happy about things.

  Come on, now’s not the time to take the scenic route.

  “I will offer you this, Freewill. Come with me now and I shall ensure the circumstances surrounding your arrival and detention are not entirely unpleasant.”

  “It can either be the easy way or the hard way, eh?” A twinkle of light appeared in my periphery, growing quickly until it surrounded us all. Finally! “Think I’ll choose the hard way.”

  The lights coalesced into the forms of my friends. Even better, they were smart enough to realize they were probably heading into unfriendly territory. Christy and Sheila both materialized with their powers aglow around them - ready to rumble if necessary. Awesome!

  “You rang?” Tom asked jovially - the doofus.

  Probably my favorite part, though, was the momentary look of surprise that appeared on Alex’s face. It wasn’t much, appearing for just a moment, but I’d finally done something he ha
dn’t been anticipating. I could die happy now, although, hopefully, that wouldn’t be the case.

  His eyes narrowed. Sheila and Christy had appeared on opposite sides, flanking him. Tom and Ed...well, they were smart enough to step back upon catching sight of who we were facing off against.

  “Do you think this changes your fate in the slightest?” Alex asked smugly.

  “I think this is us taking our fate into our own hands,” Sheila replied, the white glow around her strong and steady.

  Christy had appeared closest to Sally. She glanced at me and then at my partner. “You two okay?”

  “Been a bit of a day,” I replied.

  When Sally didn’t immediately answer, Christy hesitantly asked, “Sally?”

  “The lights are on...” I commented.

  “Fuck you, cock,” Sally spat.

  “As amusing as it is to allow you the illusion of superior positioning here,” Alex said, “it is time to end this farce.” He smiled and opened his mouth.

  I felt the familiar sensation in the back of my skull, but where before it was usually a tingling, now began the tremblings of an earthquake - one that had the potential to shake my skull apart. Alex was about to send out a compulsion, one with everything he had by the feel of it.

  Oh fuck!

  “Lord Alexander!” a voice shouted from down the hall, startling us all.

  Just as quickly as it’d started, the tingle died down as all of us, the mighty lord of the Draculas included, turned to find James striding down the hall in our direction. At his side were both Vargas and - of course - Gan. Two dozen vampire guards, with a few oddball creatures strewn about in the mix, followed.

  I glanced back at my friends and, wisely, they stood down. Being all charged up with energy while surrounding the high fuck-meister himself probably would not do us any favors. Alone, we barely stood a ghost of a chance against Alex, but with reinforcements in the vicinity, that dropped to a big fat goose egg.

  Gan ran ahead of the rest and practically threw herself into my arms - or would have if I’d bothered to catch her. Instead, the demonic little ankle biter latched on with a bear hug that rivaled what Mark had been trying to do to me. Fuck...and those ribs were just about healed too.