The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “He wouldn’t.”

  “Hear me and hear me well, my friend. If you have any wisdom at all in your head, you will never assume there is anything that Alexander would not do. Such was the folly of many vanquished by him, both before and after he took his place among our kind.”

  “Gotcha. So I guess he’s busy trying to fill that vacancy.”

  “Have you not heard? No, I suppose you wouldn’t have.”

  “Heard what?”

  There was a slight hesitation on the other end. “Never mind. It is of no matter at this moment. There are, as the humans say, bigger fish to fry.”

  Fuck, if that wasn’t an understatement. I had enough to feed a small army. “So you were saying about Sally?”

  “Yes. I am not the most learned man to ever walk this Earth, yet it was painfully obvious she was under compulsion. If I were to guess, I would say it happened sometime between the debacle when the Icon was first brought in and when next we were seated.”

  “Right on the money. The fucker did it to her with me in the room, even.”

  “Have a care, Dr. Death. Alexander and I are still of the First. Though we may not see eye to eye, I believe in the institutions of our people and will not hear them casually sullied by a child.”

  Gah! Sometimes, James was maddening in his adherence to the rules. Even so, I had enough enemies. I couldn’t afford to make any new ones. “Sorry.”

  “I will consider your remark stricken from the official record. However, for the sake of both conversation and curiosity, if you wish to share precisely what the compulsion entailed, I shall entertain your words.”

  Okay, so maybe not as by-the-book as I thought. Oh, who was I kidding? James was a complex guy. I had about as much chance of figuring him out over the phone as I did of solving a Rubik’s Cube with my eyes shut.

  I relayed to him what happened in the jail cell that Sally, Tom, and I had shared – how Alex had informed us that he considered the two of us to be a formidable team right before commanding her to forget any history she had with me and my friends.

  James was silent for a few moments. “I suspected as much. Her behavior toward me when next we met was curious – a throwback to an earlier time, if you will, as if the years in between had melted away.”

  At first, I wasn’t sure what he meant, then remembered back to the not-so-innocent-looking peck on the cheek she’d given him. Normally, that wasn’t something one picked up on, but a fellow like me – who’d been relegated to the friend zone far too many times in his life – had a bit of insight into the difference between a “you’re my best bud” kiss and an “I want to fuck your brains out” one.

  Don’t get me wrong, Sally and James were a more pleasant picture than the thought of her banging Mark the rock monster. Even so... “Yeah, about that,” I replied, unable to help myself. “So what did you mean by...”

  “This is most troubling,” he said, completely ignoring me. Big surprise there. Christ, it’s not like I was going to ask for many details. “Alexander was not incorrect about you two. Sadly for us, he was more right than he had any reason to believe.”

  “Uh, okay.”

  “I am sorry to be cryptic, Dr. Death. However, I think we both know Sally plays it close to the vest when it comes to what she reveals about herself and her past.”

  “Trust issues,” I muttered.

  “Well earned.”

  “I have no doubt.”

  “You don’t know the half of it, I’m afraid. And I am not at liberty to divulge,” he added as if sensing my next question. “It will have to suffice for you to know you have had as much impact upon her as she upon you.”

  Numerous different scenarios ran through my head. A good deal of them ended with her pushing me down onto a bed in a sleazy motel room while saying how much she wanted me.

  “You have helped her find her humanity,” he continued, squashing that fantasy.

  “Oh.”

  “I would hope you are understating your position because believe me when I say that is most certainly the case.”

  “No,” I replied. “It’s not that. I mean, I know she’s changed. She ... well ... cares now. You should have seen her in Vegas. A couple more months, and the homeless there would have been ready to canonize her. I also know she hasn’t forgotten that part. She’s still her.”

  “For now.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “She hasn’t forgotten herself, but she has forgotten the reason she was able to find herself again. How soon, I wonder, before that fades and she begins to lose all she has gained.”

  “Oh come on; she wasn’t that evil when I met her.”

  “No. Sally has never been evil. She is, however, complicated. She is also highly capable, as I am sure you’re aware.”

  I shifted uncomfortably where I stood. Movement caught my eye, and I saw Ed rise from his seat. He glanced my way and mouthed a question. I nodded and gave him the thumbs up, not really certain what else to say.

  He shrugged and headed toward his bedroom.

  “Don’t get too comfortable,” I called after him, remembering James’s words from earlier.

  “Excuse me?”

  “Not you,” I said into the receiver. “Sorry, James, but I’m not sure I see the point in what you’re saying. Sally’s had her memories of me wiped. But we’re working on it.”

  “Of that, I have no doubt. That is why I recommended she stay with you in the first place.”

  “Then what’s the problem?”

  “The issue at hand is that the trust and friendship you two had took the better part of a year and several close calls with death to cement. That is gone now and in its place ... I do not know.”

  “Go on.”

  “Though it pains me greatly to say this, we do not know her motivations right at the moment. She may wish to get her memories back, or it may be a ruse – a cover for something else.”

  “So what you’re saying is...”

  “What I am saying is that you would be wise to not trust her.”

  Vamanos, Muchachos

  I let James’s words sink in. On the one hand, I didn’t want to believe him. Hell, Sally and I had been through so much in so little time. During all of it, she’d stood by my side.

  At the same time, this was James who was talking. If it had been anyone else, my roommates even, I’d have blown it off in a second. But what he said made sense. Though she was still Sally inside, she was essentially surrounded by strangers. Well-meaning strangers, sure, but could she really know that?

  There was also Alex to consider. What else had he filled her head with during their time together after leaving me and Tom to rot in our cell? He could have told her anything – made her believe it too. Even Christy had to admit that her work in Sally’s mind was akin to taking apart the Great Wall of China one brick at a time.

  She belongs to him now. She’ll turn on you when you least expect it.

  Fuck me! Not now. I mentally screamed for the voice to shut the fuck up ... once more wondering if I was just talking to myself or not. Even so, the words of my inner Dr. Phil couldn’t be dismissed so easily. Sally wasn’t back yet. She hadn’t given us any indication of where she’d been going or what she was doing.

  Oh, enough of this! Sheila had done the same thing. Was I now gonna wonder if Alex had put the whammy on her too?

  Okay, maybe that was a stretch. Even so, it’s not like I was innocent in this matter either. I’d gone off half-cocked without telling anyone just the day before. The bottom line was we were all adults and didn’t need to ask Mommy or Daddy’s permission to go out and do something potentially stupid.

  Finally, all of that having run through my mind in the space of only a second or two, I said, “I’ll keep an eye on her.” It was more than I wanted to commit to, but I had never known James to hand out warnings frivolously.

  “That is all I can hope for.”

  “Have any g
ood news to share before you leave me to my doom?”

  He actually chuckled at that. It was nice to hear his penance at the hands of his fellow Draculas hadn’t totally crushed his spirit. “Not much, but perhaps a little.”

  “Lay it on me.”

  “The majority of the covens between you and Boston have been assimilated into Vehron’s fold, in one way or the other.”

  “Great.”

  “But pockets of resistance loyal to the First remain. I have instructed them to assist you in any way they can.”

  “Excuse my skepticism, but I got the feeling that I’m not too high on a lot of vampires’ friend lists right about now.”

  “This is not a matter of how they feel, whether they believe in you, or even if they like you. They will aid you, or they will answer to me.”

  I considered that. James was a pretty scary guy when he wanted to be. He wasn’t the meanest motor scooter in the parking lot, but he was high on the list. Probably just as important, he was both known and respected in the northeast. Unlike the rest of the First, he was real to the covens in this area – having served as prefect for however long he did.

  I uttered my thanks, and he rattled off a short list of the covens that could be counted on. It was with some annoyance that I noted the 6-6 Miskatonic Coven of Cambridge among them. Hell, I didn’t even know what the fuck that meant, aside from maybe a reference to HP Lovecraft. Fucking MIT – even their vampires were elitist cocksuckers.

  He made me repeat back the names twice – probably because I let loose with an editorial on what those doctoral candidate vamps could go do with their diplomas – and then finally said, “Good enough.”

  “Do you really think it will be?”

  James paused for a moment. “I know you fear Vehron, rightfully so.”

  “That’s an understatement.”

  “But you must believe in yourself. I for one do not buy into the so-called hype, Dr. Death. I still have faith that you are the one of legend. If so, you will find a way to overcome him.”

  I was tempted to point out that my chances of overcoming him in even a thumb-wrestling match were nil, but I decided to be a bit more diplomatic. “I’m not sure how. He’s older than me, stronger than me, has waged a fuck-ton more wars than me, and he can do everything I can do ... probably better too.”

  Damn, there was a thought I hadn’t considered. Dr. Death was a beast, one that had proven strong enough to kick the shit out of a monstrous Sasquatch named Turd. How the fuck more powerful was Vehron’s inner demon?

  “In that, you are wrong,” he said. “You may not be aware of this, but...”

  “But?”

  I heard muffled voices at the other end of the line. It sounded as if a conversation was taking place while someone kept their hand over the receiver. Probably some minion asking James what he wanted for dinner. Finally, a sigh sounded from the other end of the line. “I’m afraid I have tarried longer than I hoped. You need to get your friends together and get moving.”

  “Wait, what did you mean by...?”

  “You have all the information you need. Colin told me about the dossier he left you. I trust you have studied it well. Any answers you need lie within.”

  “Listen...”

  “No. You must get moving now. I have little doubt it will take some time to rouse your companions and prepare whatever supplies you need.”

  “How do you know I’m not already packed?”

  “Are you?”

  Goddamn it! I so hated when people had me figured out. “Fine, but I don’t see what the big deal is. By tomorrow, Sally and...”

  “There is no tomorrow,” he said. “I have just been informed that if you or your friends are still residing where you are when the sun comes up, the building will be burnt to the ground around you.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  As far as motivations went, that was a pretty good one. Sadly, I couldn’t act surprised either. I knew our time was short when they’d let us walk ... or zap ... out of the nuclear bunker that had served as our makeshift prison.

  Even so ... shit!

  I said my goodbyes to James, thanked him for his help, and expressed the hope that I lived long enough to see him again. Unlike his, my own personal faith wasn’t quite as deep.

  No, that was the wrong attitude. I had promised myself that I wouldn’t do the whining bitch of a hero routine, denying my fate until the very end. Of course, that was easy to do when the scariest thing I faced were the dorks currently living downstairs. It was quite another knowing what lie ahead.

  Oh fuck it... “GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKING DOUCHE-FILLED TWATS!!”

  It felt good to let out all my frustrations in one giant psychic outburst.

  Almost as if on cue, Tom burst from his respective bedroom. He was wearing shorts and a t-shirt. Despite the fun of earlier, he’d apparently managed to get some shuteye. Oh, how I envied him his ability to be so cluelessly unconcerned.

  “The fuck, man?”

  I turned my eyes toward Ed’s room, expecting a similar entrance, but then remembered that whatever had been done to him had somehow rendered him compulsion-blind. Oh well, sometimes you had to do things the old-fashioned way.

  “Do me a favor,” I said, casually turning back toward Tom. “Grab me a big glass of water and a few ice cubes.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Once Ed finished threatening to blast me full of silver-laden holes, I imparted upon my roommates the highlights of my conversation with James – emphasizing the part about us living through the song lyrics about not needing any water, because this motherfucker was gonna burn.

  Thankfully, they’d gotten with the program long ago. Once they got the hint and headed back into their rooms to collect whatever meager belongings were necessary for this road trip – I couldn’t quite bring myself to call it an assault yet – I left to head down and inform the others.

  No doubt, Dave and the Defilers – a band name if ever there was one – were busy wondering what the hell was going on following my compulsion. They could wait a few more minutes, though. Christy was the far more important stop. It would also give me a chance to check whether our two wayward travelers had returned yet, although I already knew the answer to that, as nothing – no sound of footsteps returning, or the delicious odor of their respective perfumes – had set off my enhanced senses. Oh well, one could hope.

  Christy met me before I’d even stepped off the stairs at her floor.

  “I thought you said you could insulate yourself from compulsion,” I said, mirth filling my voice despite the situation.

  “I can,” she replied, her eyes narrowing. “I didn’t think I needed to do it just to get some sleep.”

  “Yeah, well, I think you might need to take a raincheck on those forty winks.”

  “I wasn’t asleep yet anyway. I was...” She trailed off, her eyes widening. “It’s time, isn’t it?”

  There was nothing I could do but nod. I only wished I knew whether we were ready and that we hadn’t wasted what time we’d been given. Oh, who was I kidding? It was me who’d wasted his time. My friends had tried to strategize, and all I’d done was talk to myself in the bathroom mirror.

  No! Enough with the fucking whining already. What was done was done. I couldn’t go back in time to change things ... hmm, but maybe Christy could with her magic.

  Nah, that was a bad idea. Despite what movies would have us believe, there was the butterfly effect to take into consideration. I might travel back two days, accidentally fart at the wrong time, and return to the present to find New York overrun with dragons or something.

  “Bill?”

  Oh crap. There wasn’t time for my idle speculating. “Pack up whatever you need.”

  “Already done.”

  “Really?” She was about a thousand percent more prepared than either Tom or Ed had been.

  “Early practice for when I go into labor.”

  “
Gotcha.”

  I gave her the Cliff’s Notes version of what James had said. She opened her mouth, probably to voice something about what assholes vampires were. Yeah, yeah, I knew that song and dance. I interrupted to tell her to head up and help the guys get ready while I went downstairs to gather the Defilers for the campaign of glory I had promised.

  “Are you sure about them?” Christy asked.

  I was about to respond with a resounding “no,” but thankfully, the sound of screaming drifted up to us from below to save me from being a negative Nancy.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I leapt down the stairs, trying not to enjoy the fact that being a vampire made one an instant parkour star. As I reached the basement, the commotion definitely got louder. Multiple voices, all male, expressed various degrees of “What the fuck?!”

  What had set them off? Had a woman called their apartment by mistake and offered to provide free blowjobs? Usually, geeks were pretty hard to rattle. We were well-versed in zombie apocalypses and shit. Once you accepted the bloody end of everything by ravaging monsters, the rest was pretty easy to take in stride.

  I reached the door and opened it, praying to whatever gods there were that nobody was traipsing around in the nude. It was unlocked and swung open to a scene of chaos. Mike and Adam were shouting at Dave, who was busy shouting back.

  “What the fuck did you do?”

  “It was his own fucking fault.”

  “This is so not fucking cool, man.”

  Oh Jesus Christ.

  “ENOUGH!!” I compelled, hoping that there weren’t too many folks – vampire or otherwise – outside within earshot.

  There was no real force behind my command, just enough clamor to get their attention, and get their attention it did. The trio immediately ceased their little bitch-fest and turned toward me.

  Wait ... trio?

  “Where’s Carl?”

  “Why don’t you ask Dave?” Mike pointed a finger at my former DM. “He killed him.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “I didn’t kill him.”

  “Oh, so he just exploded for shits and giggles?” Adam asked.

  Why, oh why didn’t I leave these fucktards back in Newark when I had the chance? “Okay, slow down. Start from the beginning. What happened to Carl?”