The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “So what do we do?”

  “What we’re supposed to – get the fuck out of here and back to the mission.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  It wasn’t long before Bernadette got back to the house, her sour puss looking homelier than ever. Thankfully, she was willing to listen to reason – not mine, mind you, but Sheila’s. By that time, my other friends were up and about. Well, okay, Dave didn’t look like he’d slept at all – he had a wild look in his eye. No doubt he’d been playing doctor all day, and not the sexy kind either.

  Meg wasn’t happy at all when Mike and Adam joined us, but thankfully, Christy was there to talk reason to her. Sure, that reason consisted of “save it for later,” but I was happy to have it for the time being.

  At last, the sun started dipping low on the horizon. We gathered everyone out in the front yard to give them the lowdown on what was happening.

  “... and that’s pretty much what we know,” Sheila said. “Our choices are limited. We could search for the missing...” That elicited some mumbling among the Templar. “... or we could stake this place out and hunt down whatever is out there.” That brought even more assent. A few of the Templar drew their blades and raised them skyward. Hell, even Meg seemed in favor of that one. “Sadly, that brings with it risk too. We don’t know what we’re up against, how many, or where they are. It’s possible we could be wasting our time, or worse, more could lay down their lives.”

  “We are not afraid!” a Templar near the back shouted.

  “Nor do I doubt that for a second, brother,” Bernadette said from Sheila’s side. Feh, Icon suck-up.

  “Thank you,” Sheila replied. “As Sister Bernadette said, your bravery is not in doubt. But the road ahead of us is long and filled with danger. The foe we seek is powerful and has resources without number. As much as my heart screams for justice...” I had to suppress a smirk at the bullshit being piled on here. “... I know that we must press on toward the greater good. The world must be rid of this evil. Too many are counting on us. Who will stand with me?”

  The Templar, good little zealots that they were, couldn’t raise their hands fast enough. Goddamn. I couldn’t help but wince a little. It was a like a small army of cockblockers. Oh well, where we were going, sex was bound to be the furthest thing from my mind.

  Oh, who the fuck was I kidding?

  Still, it would probably serve me best to keep my mind away from such things – especially that little fantasy Christy had seen in my mind.

  “Not bad, Bill,” Adam said, stepping up to me. “It’s like we have our own Dumbledore’s Army.”

  “Fuck that shit,” Mike replied. “He has his own Stormtroopers.”

  Adam seemed to consider this before adding, “Dibs on being Tarkin.”

  “Fine, you got him. Me, I think I’d prefer to be General Grievous, or maybe a Ringwraith.”

  “What do you say, Bill?”

  I shook my head with a sigh. “I say you guys are fucking dorks.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  With the troops rallied, the real generals met inside for a pow-wow to discuss things.

  “Meg is going to kill your friends,” Christy said. “She loved that stupid cow.”

  “Bull,” I corrected.

  “Whatever. I’m tempted to let her.”

  “Let’s not waste the cannon fodder so quickly,” Sally replied. “We may need to use them as meat shields at some point.”

  “Can we please focus here?” Sheila asked, being about as close to a voice of reason as our group apparently had. “Nobody is killing anyone right now.”

  “But...”

  “But I also don’t want to risk any accidents happening along the way. That would be counterproductive.”

  “Fun, though,” Sally commented under her breath.

  Oh yeah, it would be a miracle if we made it to Boston alive.

  Sheila ignored Sally’s snark and continued. “We were already planning on splitting our forces, to hit Boston from both the north and south. So what I propose is sending Meg, Kelly, and Veronica with the Templar.”

  Christy appeared to contemplate this. “I’m not sure I’m comfortable sending my sisters with that group.”

  “It’s probably better than sending Bill’s friends with them. No offense, Bill.”

  “None taken,” I replied. “Pairing up those yahoos sounds like a clusterfuck in the making.”

  “If it’s just because of what happened with the cow...”

  “No, this actually makes sense,” I interrupted. “As much as I’d like for us to have the extra firepower, the goal was for the northern group to be small and the southern offense to be the bigger distraction. Also, the Templar are a bunch of sanctimonious assholes, but the truth is they probably need the backup more. You weren’t there with us in Westchester, Christy, when we rescued Sheila.”

  “Rescued?”

  “Okay, fine. Before we realized you didn’t need rescuing. Anyway, between Remington’s vamps and your old coven, the Templar were torn to pieces. They didn’t stand a chance. We have no idea what we’re facing up in Boston, but I’d bet my life savings that whatever it is, it’s a lot worse. Some witches could make all the difference between them punching through and ending up as a box lunch.”

  “Bill’s right,” Sheila said. “They won’t admit it, but they need the help.”

  “The thing is, will that ugly cun ... err, I mean Bernadette go for it?”

  Sheila raised an eyebrow for a moment. “She’s not stupid. She knows the odds. Despite what they might say about not being afraid to die, I’m pretty sure the majority aren’t all too keen on this being a suicide mission. Besides, I’ll put in a good word for them. They won’t like it, but if their blessed one makes them swear to play nice, then they will.”

  “Starting to like having your own cult?” I asked with a grin.

  “Not really. It’s actually kind of creepy, but I might as well make the most of what I’ve got.”

  She had a point on all fronts. Christy still wasn’t pleased, but she agreed to speak to her sisters about it. Considering that we still had no idea what was lurking out there somewhere on this farm, it seemed a safe bet they’d accept the safety of numbers rather than be left behind.

  A short while later, everything was set. As expected, Bernadette wasn’t happy – fuck, I’m pretty sure nothing short of seeing us all burnt at the stake would’ve put a smile on her pugface – but she accepted the necessity. Besides which, it wasn’t like she hadn’t already accepted us as the lesser of evils.

  That set, the arrangements were next. The Templar-backed force would head up in much the same way we’d gotten to the farmhouse – they’d drive. Yeah, it wasn’t exactly a tactic up there with the Invasion of Normandy, but it’s not like we had much else to work with. The goal was to get as close to the city limits as they could. The majority of the trip would be taken under cover of darkness – dangerous, but necessary, as that would allow them to converge upon the city at as close as possible to sunrise. Say what you will about their odds, but they’d be magnified at least a hundredfold while the sun was shining.

  Sadly, my group would be using a similar tactic. It was smart to do so during daylight, but it meant me, Sally, and the rest of the undead in our party would need to be extra careful.

  As for how we were going to get in position, I was letting our resident master mages work that one out.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “I think Medford is your best bet,” Kelly said. “Puts you just a few miles away. Should be an easy trek.”

  “Too close,” Christy argued.

  “You don’t want to end up too far away either,” Meg protested. “Not in your condition anyway.”

  “Don’t worry about my condition,” Christy snapped. “I’ll be fine.”

  She was definitely getting testy. Must’ve been all those hormones eating away at her brain. I stepped in to defend her. “Christy’s right. During
our trial, for lack of a better word, Alex told me about Vehron’s growing circle of influence. He’s been subjugating covens all around that area. He’s probably been recruiting new troops too. Who knows how many Bostonians are now bloodsuckers? Might be best to apparate further away rather than poofing right into the lion’s den.”

  Christy frowned, although whether at apparate or poof I wasn’t sure, but she didn’t correct me. Probably realized a lost cause when she saw one. “Bill’s got a point. Tired feet is preferable to being torn limb from limb the second we arrive.”

  “Fine,” Meg relented. “Medford’s out. Then where?”

  “There’s only one place that makes sense,” Christy said, pointing at the map. She turned to me and grinned.

  I looked down and saw where her finger rested. Damn, she really had been hanging out with us too much.

  Oh well, I guess it was time for us to prepare for a trip to Salem, Massachusetts.

  Now to just hope that town’s history wasn’t of a mind to repeat itself.

  The Long Kiss Goodbye

  The plan was for both groups to head out at the same time – just a little past midnight. My group would obviously arrive at our location first, magic being far more efficient a travel method than anything the automotive industry would ever dream up, but since we’d be on foot from the start, it would probably all even out in the end.

  The Templar busied themselves in those last few hours by – wait for it – praying. Yeah, a real mind blower, right? Who’d a thunk it?

  Christy and her coven locked themselves away for some ... err ... magical stuff, no doubt.

  Dave was still off by himself, hopefully not doing something with Sheila’s blood that he’d end up regretting. The rest busied themselves with Sally’s stash of guns, making sure they were locked and loaded – or whatever the term is. I don’t know. I only really understood the point and shoot part. Seemed about all I needed to know.

  As the time to depart drew near, I found myself in the kitchen brewing a pot of coffee. Say what you will about everyone else’s prep work, but I had a feeling the next several hours would be a lot more pleasant with some caffeine in me. Sue me for being a traditionalist.

  I smelled her sweet scent a moment before the footsteps signaled her entrance into the kitchen. Goddamn, even out here on this farm, right at the edge of us marching off into oblivion, she still smelled better than just about anything in the world. Hell, I’d have taken a whiff of her over the scent of sizzling bacon on a Sunday morning.

  “Just about ready?” Sheila asked from behind me.

  “Getting there.” I turned around, two cups in hand. “One for the road?”

  “How can I say no to that?” she replied with a smile. “Who knows when we’re going to get a taste of civilization again?”

  “Not sure I’d call this sludge civilized. It’s instant.”

  “Any port in a storm.” She took the cup from me.

  “Want anything in it?”

  “Black is fine.”

  “Suit yourself. I like mine just like I like my ladies, sweet and ... err ... creamy, I guess.”

  She giggled at my lameness. Yeah, some things never changed. Even with the world teetering on the precipice of chaos, I could still somehow manage to sound like a moron in front of her. “Bloody too?” she asked after a moment.

  “Sadly, no. We’re all out of the bagged stuff.”

  “That gonna be a problem?”

  “Hopefully not. The boys were good enough to share a cup of cow with me. That should tide me over for a bit.”

  “And if not?”

  I wanted to reassure her that I wasn’t a monster, that I’d find some way to get through the coming days without resorting to unsavory means, but that seemed insincere. She deserved better. “I’ll do what I need to do, but I...”

  She reached out and put a hand on my shoulder. “I can’t ask you to starve.”

  “I don’t want to hurt anybody.”

  “I know that, Bill. I don’t want to either. But I also know that neither of us should make any promises we can’t keep. The world is too messy for that now. The best we can do is try.”

  “Thanks for understanding.”

  “Just don’t offer me any leftovers.”

  I smiled over my cup of coffee. “Don’t worry. I save that stuff for grossing out my roommates.”

  “I still don’t know if it’s smart bringing them.”

  I put my cup down and leaned against the counter. “Fuck that. I know it’s stupid to let them tag along. Tom’s faith is kaput and Ed ... well, he seems to be everyone’s favorite dance partner these days for some reason. Unfortunately, it’s a case of damned if we do, damned if we don’t.”

  “The First Coven,” she replied, pretty much answering everything. “When this is through...”

  “James is a friend,” I warned. “He’s helped me more than once. Hell, he’s been helping me from the very start. Yehoshua seems like he’s a halfway decent fellow too.”

  “Yeah, him. His name ... listening to him talk. I almost get the sense he’s...” She trailed off.

  “He’s what?”

  “Not what, but who.” She shook her head as if clearing her thoughts. “It’s probably nothing. Never mind.”

  “Whatever. Anyway, as I was saying, the rest of them, well, have as much fun with those fuckers as you want. Hell, I might help you.”

  “Would you?” She raised an eyebrow questioningly. “I mean, they are your leaders.”

  “They aren’t shit to me. Assholes, the whole bunch of them, and Alex is their king hemorrhoid. If you manage to get that cocksucker down, I’ll hammer the fucking stake into him myself. He and I have unfinished business.”

  She stared at me for a moment as if weighing what I’d just said. Then she smiled, nodded, and took another sip of her coffee before putting her mug down. She took a step toward me, and I wasn’t sure whether it was the look in her eye or maybe her Icon powers flaring up, but I could’ve sworn the temperature in the room shot up several degrees. “You know, you and he aren’t the only ones with unfinished business.”

  All at once, my throat went dry and any of the thousand or so witty quips I usually had at the tip of my tongue went flying away like doves released before the Olympics. “Um ... unfinished business?”

  Don’t let her fool you!

  What? Dr. Death wanted to have a chat now?! I mentally told him to get the fuck back in his box. Goddamn, that dickhead had some poor timing.

  When I looked up again, Sheila was a step closer. “You okay?”

  “Yeah, fine.”

  “You looked like you zoned out for a moment there.”

  “It was nothing. I just...”

  “Need to shut up?” she asked, leaning in. “Yeah, I’d say so.”

  With that, her lips met mine. Every worry in the world, every bit of stress weighing me down, hell, every fucking thought I had in my head evaporated away. I stiffened for just a moment, expecting to be blown through a wall. Sad that had become such a commonality between us. But then nothing happened.

  Well, okay, not nothing. Something was definitely happening ... something so freaking awesome I couldn’t begin to describe it if I tried.

  So rather than offer the boring details, let’s just get right to the point. I stepped in and put my arms around her, drawing her close and feeling her body pressed against mine.

  Everything was perfect. Her lips tasted so sweet, her hair smelled so clean, and her body was so warm, so full of life.

  She groaned ever so slightly in response to our kiss...

  ...and that’s when my lips caught fire.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I’d like to say I said something romantic as I disengaged from her, such as, “Oh dearest, your soul has sparked something deep inside of me. My love for you is a roaring flame of desire.”

  However, the reality was more an incoherent scream as I ran to the sink w
ith my mouth ablaze, turned on the faucet, and stuck my face under the gush of water.

  Steam exploded around me as the cold torrent hit the magical fire. For a moment, I was afraid that nothing would happen, that her power was the equivalent of supernatural napalm, but then, finally, I felt the flames being doused.

  “Oh my god, Bill! Are you all right?”

  After a couple more seconds of drowning my sorrows in the sink, I felt sure the fire was out. Wincing at the horrific pain, I turned around to reassure her that I was much better off than I actually was, only to see her eyes go wide and her take a step back. Duh! I probably looked like a fucking horror show. Probing with my tongue, I confirmed it. Yep, no lips. Bet that looked pretty as all hell.

  “Ust ive it a second. They’ll row back.” Hmm, go figure, eloquent speech wasn’t the easiest thing in the world when half your face was exposed jaw.

  “I’m so sorry,” she said, backing up another step.

  Jeez, talk about killing my ego. “Ot or ault.”

  Apparently, I was less coherent than I thought, because she seemed to ignore me. “I thought I had it under control...”

  “Iss o-tay.”

  “...I worked so hard.”

  “Hese tings appen.”

  “...but I couldn’t stop it.”

  Oh crap. She was rambling. Worse, panic filled her eyes.

  “Issen ooh ee...” I took a step toward her, and her power flared to life full force.

  I wasn’t sure if it was the sight of me or the fact that she was sorta freaking the fuck out, but it really didn’t matter. One moment, I was reaching for her, and the next, I was hit by the metaphysical equivalent of a flaming Mack truck.

  A wall of hot force punched me in the face and I went flying, slamming through the window above the sink and sailing out into the dark night.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Lucky me, I landed in a small garden out back – or more precisely, in the mulch pile of that garden. The smell of burning manure filled the air, but thankfully – sorta – the pile was moist enough to douse the flames covering me.