The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  Something hard collided with my jaw, and it was only as I was knocked away that I realized it was my roommate’s skull.

  I landed and immediately rolled back to my feet, but I was too late.

  *crack*

  “NO!”

  I wasn’t sure whether it was me, Christy, or both of us screaming in unison as Vehron twisted Tom’s head a hundred and eighty degrees, but in the end, it really didn’t matter.

  The surprised look on my friend’s face quickly faded as his eyes clouded over.

  Vehron let go and dropped him like he was little more than useless meat.

  Just like that, my roommate, my best friend in this whole world, was dead. I had failed him more completely than words could describe.

  Greasy Kid Stuff

  It was as if time stopped for a moment. I was stuck in that awful place – the split second between when Tom ceased being my friend and became just a lifeless pile of flesh and bones.

  I’m certain that plenty was going on. We were in the middle of a battle, after all, but the only thing that registered was the sound of Tom’s heart. My enhanced vampire ears, normally an advantage, were now my curse as I was forced to listen to it slow, stutter, and then finally fade away into silence.

  We’d been through so much in our lives. He’d been the first friend I’d made in kindergarten. We’d shared toys, games, dreams, everything. Hell, our friendship had even survived my own death. It was funny, but as much as I tried to keep my friends from harm, a part of me was convinced of our invincibility.

  We’d survived Jeff, Turd, Remington, even Alexander the Great. As much as I liked to bemoan my own fate, I was certain that it smiled upon my group as a whole.

  We’d survive this. The end of the world was nothing compared to us.

  Until now.

  This was reality. Fate was neither cruel nor kind. It didn’t care either way, and it was now showing me this in a way that I would never forget.

  Screams began to filter in, but once again, I wasn’t sure if they were coming from me or Christy. Hell, it was probably a safe bet that we were both expressing our anguish. The only question was which of us would be the first to turn our grief into lethal action.

  No, that one was easy. It was going to be me.

  I raised the gun again, intent on emptying it into my grinning foe. I’d wipe that smile off his face, maybe make him eat it afterwards. That wouldn’t bring my friend back, but maybe it could avenge him. However, squeezing the trigger produced nothing – no explosion of sound or satisfying buck of a bullet being ejected toward my enemy.

  I then realized why. In my anger, I’d crushed it. The mechanism of my revenge was now little more than a useless heap of metal and plastic in my grasp. I hadn’t even realized I was utilizing my vampiric ... wait!

  Vampire! I was a vampire. What a fucking idiot I was.

  Maybe I could still save Tom.

  Fuck revenge. Getting him back was far more important.

  Ignoring everything else, I bared my fangs and leapt toward my friend. Even knowing that I was on my knees in front of perhaps the most lethal foe I’d ever faced didn’t deter me from my task. Let Vehron kill me if he needed to. So long as I could bring my friend bac ... “ARGH!”

  My hands burst into flame as I touched Tom’s body. The goddamned toys he was wearing were still charged with his power. Much like Sheila’s sword, they’d absorbed the faith magic and still radiated with it.

  No!

  It couldn’t end like this. I fought through the pain, pushed closer to my friend. I just needed one bite. Hell, I’d happily succumb to the fire at that point. Just one little...

  A boot to the face ended what little chance I had.

  It wasn’t much. Had Vehron hit me with his full force, I’d have surely been decapitated from the blow. But it was more than enough to send my burning form tumbling away.

  Removing me from the source – as well as an impromptu stop, drop, and roll session – caused the flames of faith to quickly die down. I looked up to see Vehron step over Tom’s corpse, blocking my way to it.

  “I think not, brother,” he said, the humor gone from his voice. “It is time to teach you your place in life.”

  I gritted my teeth as I looked up at him. All the anger I had in my heart coalesced into a fine point aimed directly at him.

  My fangs extended along with my claws as a red haze descended upon my vision. I stood to face him, my injuries already healing – although whether from Gan’s blood or the power that dwelled inside of me, I wasn’t sure. I prayed it was that second option, though.

  Whatever his evil, whatever he sought to do to the world, Dr. Death seemed the lesser of my devils right now. Fuck it, if it meant avenging my friend, then I’d gladly let him raze the countryside to the ground if he wanted.

  I gave in, opened myself up to it. Never had I wanted something as much as I did at that moment. Sheila, Sally, to live a normal life – all of it paled in comparison to making Vehron suffer.

  “Let’s do this,” I muttered, my tongue grazing the edges of my razor-sharp fangs. “This body is yours to do with as you please, Dr. Death.”

  I mentally handed him the keys, throwing my own out the window of the imaginary apartment we shared. So long as the fucker in front of me met a death that made Turd’s seem pleasant in comparison, I’d happily lock myself away for all of eternity.

  Fuck you.

  What?!

  That was it. Those two words and nothing more. There was no change. My clothes didn’t rip. I didn’t retreat back into myself. Nothing happened, save my opponent stepping forward and wrapping one impossibly strong hand around my throat.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “You will not meet your friend’s fate, brother,” Vehron whispered, “but you may wish you had. You should not have challenged me.”

  I couldn’t have responded had I wanted to. My air was completely cut off. Even with Gan’s power at my disposal, I might as well have been a toddler trying to pry open a vise grip.

  Out of the corner of my eye, Christy approached. Sally and Gan were still covering her, but she was running as if Hell itself were on her heels. She was screaming something, but I couldn’t hear anything beyond the pressure building up in my head. Much more, and I was sure my eyes would pop out like party favors.

  Christy started glowing and, for a moment, I thought she might be planning to go nuclear and just flat out vaporize Vehron and anything in his vicinity – including me. Oddly enough, I was okay with that. I wasn’t sure I deserved to live, not after failing my friend so utterly. Dying was fine so long as this fucker came along for the ride.

  It wasn’t to be, though. She dropped to her knees at Tom’s side and began pouring whatever power she’d been gathering into his body. The look on her face screamed of desperation. Whatever she was doing, it was some last-ditch effort to bring him back. I didn’t know if there was a God or not in this fucked-up universe we lived in, but if there was, I said a silent prayer to give the poor girl a break for a change.

  All at once, though, my view of them was obscured by the asshole who was busy squeezing the life out of me. “I am speaking to you, brother. Pay them no mind. They are of no consequence. There is only you and I, a reality I will make you painfully aware of when...”

  “Mother demands the pure one.”

  The look on Vehron’s face turned from one of mild interest in my fate to outright annoyance. I couldn’t see who’d spoken, but the gravelly voice was that of the Jahabich. Judging from where it came from, I’d say the creature had approached from my blind side and stood directly behind me.

  C’mon, Christy! Do it now. Three for the price of one. That’s not a bad deal.

  “I am busy. I will bring the abomination momentarily.”

  “She has waited long enough. She wishes the pure one now.” Almost as if to emphasize the point, it repeated, “Now.”

  I was certain Vehron would tell the st
ony asshole to take a flying fuck off the nearest cliff face. That or maybe beat it to rubble, using my body as a club.

  Thus, my amazement when he simply nodded was such that I almost forgot my neck was being pulverized. According to what I’d heard, this guy had once been the vampire nation’s premier general. That and he was a fucking Freewill too, a pretty goddamned badass one, if I did say so myself. Yet he was being told what to do and accepting it like he was a little kid being called in for dinner.

  What the fuck was going on?

  Sadly, any answers would have to wait. Vehron flung me to the side as if I were little more than trash. I landed hard, maybe twenty feet away. Damn, this guy was tough.

  Even with Gan’s blood bolstering me, it was still several long seconds before I could so much as draw a breath.

  “STEP ASIDE!! DO NOT HINDER ME!!”

  There wasn’t a lot behind it. He could have easily ordered all the combatants on my side to be good lads and slit their own fucking throats. Instead, he’d given little more than the vampire equivalent of “excuse me, coming through.”

  I sat up in time to see him grab Ed and sling his unconscious form over his shoulder. All of the vampires in the area were dazed from his command, and Christy was still pouring energy into Tom’s unmoving form. There was nobody left to stop him.

  Even the Jahabich were still for the moment, as if waiting to see what would happen.

  I was still pulling myself to my feet when he passed the rock monster who I assumed was the one who’d given him the order. He turned to it and said, “I leave the rest to you. Bring them when you are finished – should you prove victorious.”

  Although I couldn’t be certain, I got the impression that his passive aggressive compulsion had been a not-so-subtle “fuck you” to the Jahabich for daring to tell him what to do. Either way, he walked past the creature and kept going until he passed the tree line and stepped into the daylight beyond.

  I was tempted to catch up to him. With Gan’s speed, it would have been child’s play. But then what? Burst into flames under the sun? Facing him now was a losing strategy. He’d already proven that. He’d beaten me with no effort at all and would do so again. I, quite literally, had nothing in my arsenal that could touch him.

  What I did have, though, was a fallen friend and his grieving fiancée. Whatever Vehron’s plans for Ed, they seemed to want him alive. That meant a chance to rescue him. But to do that, I’d need the help of my friends.

  Before I could ask for that help, though, I needed to be there for them.

  Some things were more important than revenge.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Once Vehron was out of sight, his compulsion evaporated. Gan’s forces reengaged the Jahabich, who were only too happy to continue the fight. As I numbly walked toward them, Gan gave some order in Chinese. No idea what it meant, but her men began to pull back and form a defensive ring around where Christy and Sally knelt by Tom’s side.

  Gan joined her men in their assault. I thought she might say something to me as I passed her, but she simply nodded. I immediately understood. As much as she might have disliked Christy, Tom had died honorably. That demanded some respect. Or at least, I thought that’s what she was doing. Getting inside her head wasn’t something I tried to do on too many occasions.

  Regardless, I joined my friends, kneeling beside Tom just as Christy ceased whatever she was doing. The glow faded from her, but nothing seemed to have changed.

  “I tried,” she sobbed, looking up at me. Tears freely streamed down her face. “Dark magic, an abomination to my people, but I didn’t care so long as it might save him. It didn’t work, though.”

  “Maybe we’re not finished yet,” Sally said. I knew exactly what she meant. She was talking about what I’d been about to try before Vehron tauntingly stopped me.

  I expected Christy’s staunch denial. No matter how chummy she and I had become, there was always that feeling that she considered the undead to be a lesser species. Thus, I was surprised when she simply nodded at Sally before burying her face in her hands.

  Sally looked at me expectantly, and I mouthed, “Do it.” She was far more experienced at this anyway. I’d never turned someone before, at least not that I was aware of. Sally, on the other hand, knew what she was doing.

  As Gan’s forces kept the Jahabich at bay, Sally ripped swatches of cloth from the outfit Gan had given her to wear and wrapped them around her hands. Thus protected, she tore off the bandolier of blessed toys and tossed it to the side. I wrinkled my nose as she did so. The combination of holy fire and Jahabich juice left an odor in the air reminiscent of burning tires.

  Without further ado, she bit into Tom’s neck – his head still turned at an unnatural angle.

  Christy closed her eyes and put her hands to her ears. I couldn’t blame her. This wasn’t something she wanted to either see or hear. If it worked, though, it would be worth it. We might have to corral him a bit, wait for the bloodlust to abate, but it could be done. I just had to hope he wouldn’t turn out to be like my gaming group.

  Speaking of which, I looked around and didn’t see any sign of either Adam or Dave. A part of me was sure they’d perished in battle, easily the weakest links in this fight. Oddly enough, though, that thought brought with it only a cold numbness. Seeing my best friend in the world laid low had drained me. My broken heart seemingly had no more room left in it.

  That was unfair to them and I made myself a promise to make good on things.

  For now, though, I could only wait expectantly.

  After what seemed an eternity, but in reality was just a few seconds, Sally raised her head. She wiped some of Tom’s blood from her lips and looked me in the eye.

  “Well?” I asked.

  “He’s gone.”

  “What?”

  “I don’t understand it either. It only happened a few minutes ago. I should be able to bring him back.”

  “How do you know?”

  She just shook her head. “It’s hard to explain. Once you ... practice ... enough, you just do.”

  “It’s my fault,” Christy said.

  “Huh?” I turned to her. “How is this your fault?”

  “The magic. It must have backfired. Ruined him for ... your kind.”

  “Don’t be so hard on him, babe. Bill might be a dick, but he’s not a total cockmeat sandwich.”

  The voice caught my attention and I immediately glanced around at our little circle. “What was that?”

  “Wasn’t me,” Sally said, the confusion on her face echoing mine.

  I knew it wasn’t Christy. She’d just been speaking. Besides, that had been a male voice. It had been ... Tom’s?!

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “You heard that, right?”

  Both of them nodded, and we all simultaneously looked down at my roommate. It was all for naught, though. Nothing had changed with him – no smiling face, no movement. Hell, not even a mouthful of fangs. His eyes were still glazed over, lifeless.

  “Um, guys, could I get a hand?”

  Again his voice. What the fuck?

  Sally raised her hands and shook her head.

  Even Christy looked perplexed.

  “Um, is his ghost haunting us?”

  “It will be if you don’t fucking help me,” the voice replied. “My face is stuck in the dirt – oh God, let this be dirt – and I can’t fucking move.”

  Sally pointed off to my left. “It’s coming from over there.”

  “There isn’t anything over there except those toys you yanked off of him. What the fuck?”

  I quickly scampered over there anyway, not waiting for the others to catch up. There was no time to waste. Gan’s people were still holding back the Jahabich, but more had climbed out of their sinkhole. It was rapidly becoming not an issue of if but when they’d overrun us.

  Remembering what I was about to touch, I pulled my hands into the sleeves of the fur-lined jacket I wor
e and used them as makeshift gloves. I quickly sorted through the pile of discarded action figures – dirty and broken Star Wars toys, He-Man, and even a Transformer or two. “There’s nothing here,” I said.

  I picked up the last piece, Tom’s Max Adventure doll. It had been lying face down. I was about to toss it to the side too, when out of nowhere, Tom’s voice asked, “Jesus Christ, Bill, when did you get so fucking big?”

  Needless to say, it was at that point that I promptly freaked the fuck out.

  A Small Problem

  “Holy fucking shit!” I dropped the doll like it was covered in spiders. It hit the ground, where it bounced once and landed face up.

  For a moment, there was nothing to hear save the battle raging around us. I began to wonder if maybe I’d imagined it. Hell, for all I knew, Dr. Death was fucking around inside my brain – rewiring everything for shits and giggles. Of course, then Christy started screaming, which may have clued me in ever so slightly that if this was some sort of illusion then it had graduated to mass hysteria.

  “What the fuck, guys?” Tom asked, his voice coming from the Max Adventure figure lying in the dirt. He didn’t sound overly pleased. “I get crippled and you all turn into assholes? Seriously, could someone please help me?”

  Sally, easily the least nonplussed among our trio, stepped past me and gingerly reached down toward Max ... or Tom. She touched it with one outstretched finger, then, when nothing happened, she picked it up. She looked down upon it, glanced back at us quickly – one brow raised, and then said, “You’re not crippled. You’re a doll.”

  “Thanks. You aren’t bad looking yourself.”

  “Not like that, stupid!”

  “Huh. I never noticed how wide your nostrils flare when you’re angry.”

  She turned back and shoved the cursed toy into my hands. “Here. Because otherwise, I’m going to do what my sister used to do to all of my dolls.”

  “Which was?”

  “You probably don’t want to know.”