The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  Oh, this shit again? I was sorely tempted to point my fingers at Gan and throw her to the wolves ... err ... apes. Especially since I glanced her way when he said it and all she did was smile at me.

  Yeah. That would be a good idea. Let her pay for her crimes. Let them tear her limb from limb. She deserved it. It would also rid me of her once and for...

  “Uh, Bill, are you okay?” Sally asked.

  “Huh?” I was about to ask what the hell she was talking about when I looked down. At some point, my talons had extended and I’d dug eight long furrows into the table with them.

  “You need a break?” She put a hand on my shoulder and my first instinct was to deck her.

  The fuck?

  Oh shit! It was happening again. Before, it had been the frustration of waiting. Now it was the boredom. Again, that same anger was seeping to the surface. “Goddamn it, Dr. Death!”

  All eyes in the glade turned my way. Had I actually said that aloud?

  Oops.

  “Bill...” Sally and Sheila both began expectantly.

  “What a doctor death?” one of Big C’s advisors asked.

  Oh crap.

  I stood up, not entirely sure if I was going to speak or tear across the table at him. Thankfully, my lips started moving before my legs. “Um ... it’s just an expression. I sometimes say it when I ... err ... point out a gross inaccuracy of the facts. Yeah, that’s it.”

  “You do?” Sheila asked, forgetting herself for a moment.

  “Yes, I do,” I hissed. “All the time.”

  “What gross inacc ... that word?” Big C asked.

  “It means falseness,” I explained.

  “Big C know that! Big C not dumb!”

  Fuck that noise. I’d known some dumb cunts in my time, but none as big as him. Pointing that out wouldn’t be in our favor, though. So, instead, I took several deep breaths to get my runaway emotions under control. “My apologies,” I said. “What I meant was the inaccuracy of stating that I started this war.”

  “You deny killing Turd’s cub?”

  “At my hand, yes.” I hated to throw Nergui under the bus posthumously. If there was an afterlife for vamps, hopefully he understood I was doing it for our entire benefit. “Another of our party did the deed without my consent.”

  “He one of you. You leader. His actions your actions.”

  There was some logic to that, in a Neanderthal sort of way.

  “Perhaps,” I offered, “but the only reason we were up here to begin with was because of Turd’s treachery.”

  The mention of Turd caused a lot of teeth to be bared on the other side. What I said next was either going to be my winning hand or would work them up into such a froth they’d beat me into a senseless pile of goo.

  Time to remember my gaming roots. What would Kelvin Lightblade do? Why, he’d trust in the dice, that’s what.

  “Turd liked technology, your great taboo. There were many witnesses to that. The only reason he wanted us up here was to force a business arrangement, one that would have robbed you of the nectar of your sacred trees and given him money to buy even more technology. Before you know it, he would have been living large in a mansion, sitting in a hot tub and snorting coke off of hooker’s asses while his million-dollar sound system played in the background.”

  I stopped and saw three blank expressions staring back. Glancing down at Sally, I asked, “Too much?”

  “The hookers might have been a wee bit over the line.”

  “Gotcha.”

  Okay, time to dial it back a bit and put my cards on the table. “I argue that the Humbaba Accord was never in danger. It was treachery that brought us all to the Woods of Mourning. Though I regret the death of Turd’s daughter, any insult caused was entirely on him, not the rest of you. Our people have been fighting, dying, for no reason other than the selfishness of a few. All we need to do is acknowledge this and we can end this massacre once and for all.”

  Holy shit, that wasn’t half bad. I hadn’t done anything that good since I bs’d my way through a fifth grade oral lecture on the Civil War.

  Judging by the looks of those at the table, and the witnesses sitting in the stands, I’d have gotten at least a B+ on this one. Fuck yeah! I’d take it.

  I locked eyes with Sheila for a moment and she gave me the barest of grins before forcing a look of neutrality back onto her face.

  Hell, even Big C looked thoughtful, or as thoughtful as he could. I hadn’t really spent a great deal of time conversing with any members of the Feet, but I got the impression deep thinkers were a rarity amongst their number. Even so, when he finally spoke, I was half amazed to find it wasn’t to argue with me again. “Freewill T’lunta speaks ... wisely.” Talk about having to choke out a word. “Conflict is Turd’s fault. Deaths are Turd’s fault. Everything is Turd’s fault!”

  I’m not quite sure I’d say everything. I mean, François had just as much a part in it, but thankfully, that wasn’t too widely known. Also, that asshole was dead too, so it wasn’t like we had to worry about him.

  “Insult was against Turd and his cub. Restitution must be made as such,” Big C added, using an awfully big word for one with such primitive brain cells.

  “Restitution?” I asked, throwing a quick glance Gan’s way. She, for her part, seemed completely unfazed by the implication. “As in payback?”

  “Life for life. It is way of things.”

  “Well,” I said, “in theory, that’s already been paid for. I mean, the vamp who killed Turd’s daughter didn’t walk away from it.”

  “Servant does not equal leader.”

  Yeah, except it was Turd’s daughter, not Turd we were talking about. Considering their attitude toward Sally for the entire proceedings, I was tempted to throw back in their faces that, according to their logic, they probably ended up owing us in the exchange, but somehow, I didn’t think that would work in my favor. Logic wasn’t really their strong suit.

  “Life for life,” Big C repeated. He pointed a hairy finger at me. “You and mate have cubs?”

  “Are you fuckers deaf or what?” Sally spat. “I am not his mate!”

  “Big C not deaf, she-T’lunta. Just not believe you.”

  Oh God, it was happening again, wasn’t it? We were so close to signing a peace treaty with these assholes only to have it completely and utterly fucked up. I considered the vial of blood in my pocket. If things turned to shit, at least I’d have a shot at taking a bunch of them with me.

  I glanced toward the witches. The expression on Christy’s face was unreadable, but I knew the Magi were neutral parties under the Humbaba Accord. I had no doubt whatsoever she and her coven would step in if things turned bad for us, but the repercussions could be dire. By her doing so, she could potentially drag her entire race into the war.

  Fuck that. I at least needed to make a futile attempt to salvage this before Sally could...

  Big C held up a hand as one of his advisors leaned in and grunted something at him. The two chattered back and forth for several seconds, giving me time to attempt to calm her down. At least she hadn’t brought her fifty-caliber hand cannon with her to the table.

  Finally, Big C stood up and said, “Bring Plug!”

  Plug?

  What the fuck? My mind turned to the only thing I could think of ... a Bigfoot-sized butt plug. Ye gods, the horror. Was that their compromise for me not having any cubs to kill? If so, hopefully they chose Sally to wear it, because I was willing to do a lot of things for peace, but even I had to draw the line somewhere.

  The Brown Wedding

  Another Sasquatch marched into the hollow, taking the steps two at a time, obviously double-timing it at his commander’s request.

  I won’t lie. I was extraordinarily relieved to see him walking in empty-handed.

  “Oh, it’s this guy again,” Sally said.

  “Who?”

  “Him,” she replied. “Can’t you ... oh, never mi
nd. Why do I even bother?”

  “Because I’m such a likable fellow?”

  She glared at me. “When we get back, I’m locking you in a room with nothing but jars of their fur until you can tell them apart by scent.”

  “You wouldn’t.”

  “Try me.”

  “Do you two need a time out?” Sheila asked.

  “Nope. All’s dandy here.”

  “Good.” She turned back toward the newcomer, then paused for a moment as if remembering her lines. “Who dares interrupt these proceedings?” She then picked up her sword and pointed it at the Sasquatch. “You have not been recognized.”

  Hmm, no offense to her, but when the green ball of death had done that, it had been intimidating. When she did it, it was kinda cute. Probably not what she was going for.

  Even so, there was protocol to follow.

  Before we had to discover if her powers were worth a fig against giant stink apes, their leader stood and said, “This Plug, war party wolf. Once served Turd. Now serve me.”

  Wait a second.

  “He capture Freewill not long ago.”

  That was this guy?! Plug ... of course, why not? I hadn’t thought to get his name at the time, considering my first impression had been of him stomping on the back of my head. Maybe that was for the best. It was really hard to take a beating seriously once you learned what these things’ actual names were.

  “Tell them!”

  The raiding party leader stepped forward and grunted toward Sheila in what I guessed was meant to be a respectful manner. For her part, she put the sword back on the table and sat down. “You are recognized, Plug.”

  “Plug thanks Silver Eyes. Plug war wolf. Lead other warriors to battle after shaman make trees grow.”

  “Make the trees grow?” Sheila asked.

  “Sasquatch magic,” I replied.

  She turned toward me and grinned. “You are not recognized.”

  “Sorry.”

  “I’ll let it slide this time.”

  Rough chuckles came from the other end of the table. Bunch of dicks. A summit to determine the fate of the world this might be, but damn if it didn’t have the feel of a high school pep rally at times.

  “Plug capture Freewill T’lunta. Mighty Plug!” He took a moment to raise his arms and beat his chest. The thumping echoed through the hollow.

  I opened my mouth to comment, but Sally put a hand on my arm. “Just don’t.”

  She was probably right. I could eat crow for a bit. Arguing semantics with Sasquatches was ultimately self-defeating. Besides, he had captured us.

  “Plug capture other T’lunta. Plug capture T’lunta mate.”

  Sheila raised an eyebrow and indicated Sally.

  “No! Plug say his mate.” He pointed a finger at Christy. “That one.”

  All eyes in the glade turned toward her. Some of them in curiosity, most of them in surprise. Gan’s, however, was the one I was most interested in. I could see the claws on her hand momentarily lengthen. Oh, crap.

  “Something you want to tell me, babe?” Tom asked, glancing between us.

  A yellow crackle of power shot from her fingertips, causing him to jump back.

  “Ow!”

  Guess that glamour was pretty damned good after all.

  “It was all ... a misunderstanding,” she said with a tone of annoyance.

  “Magi and T’lunta?” Big C asked.

  Plug turned back to him and nodded.

  “And the point of this?” Sheila asked, a look of utter confusion upon her face.

  “We capture their cub, too.”

  Not that again! For Christ’s sake! Was there a stupidity plague rampant among the Feet or something? I stood up. “Listen, guys. That cub was named Ed and he was a fully grown...”

  Sally grabbed me by the sleeve and dragged me back into my seat. Before I could say a word in protest, she said, “Sorry, the Freewill is still distraught over the whole affair with his beloved ... son.”

  I stared incredulously at her, to which she mouthed just two short words. I couldn’t read lips for shit, but this I understood: “Zip it!”

  Um, okay.

  Sheila blinked at us, as if maybe we’d grown a few extra heads, but then she turned to Plug. “Please go on.”

  Plug spared one snarl in my direction before continuing. “Plug capture funny smelling Freewill T’lunta cub. Plug present cub to Turd as prize. Much glory heaped upon Plug!” And again with the chest beating. I was half expecting to see Cheetah swing in from the sidelines.

  “What happen?” Big C asked.

  “Turd adopt cub as his own. Try to train it.”

  “Cub not here now. Cub die?”

  “No. Cub escape.”

  “Cub escape Turd?”

  “Yes.”

  Wait a second. I was beginning to see what Sally meant here.

  Big C stood up and slammed a fist onto the table. “Turd get revenge. Capture Freewill T’lunta cub. But Turd stupid and let it escape. Fault of no one but Turd.” He turned and locked eyes with me. “Honor is served.”

  And just like that, we’d won.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Well, winning is a relative concept, but I’d been coming up short in that column lately. I’d take what I could get.

  The big ape wasn’t finished anyway. “Turd stupid and selfish. Get many of our kind killed for dishonor. Let the War of Turd end. It die with him. Let the Peace of Cunt begin!”

  Sheila completely lost her shit at that. I had to stifle a fake coughing jag as well. She had it worse, though, not having been previously insulated against the raw fucking idiocy that was the Feet. She folded her hands on the table and put her face down on it. After a few moments, she could barely breathe.

  Fuck it. There hadn’t been a lot of laughs the last few days. The poor girl had earned it.

  I turned to Sally. “Who’d have thunk it? The legendary Icon laid low by...”

  “Don’t say it,” she warned.

  “Fine. Too easy anyway.” I lowered my voice. “By the way, how’d you know where he was going with this?”

  “Never discount ego or new management taking an opportunity to make the old management look bad.”

  “Sounds a lot like corporate America.”

  “With maybe a bit less hygiene,” she added.

  After a few minutes, Sheila got herself under control and lifted her head. Her eyes were puffy and a few tears were still present on her face, which she quickly wiped off. “Sorry,” she said in a shaky voice, as if it wouldn’t take much to set her off again. “I was just ... overcome with emotion at this historic occasion.”

  “Understand,” the giant ape replied with a nod. “Very moving to be in presence of the great...”

  “Big C!” I shouted, before he could send Sheila into another laughing seizure.

  Not only did it spare her that, but it seemed to mollify the stupid baboon even more so. “Yes! Big C!” he shouted, then began to repeat it until the other Sasquatches in the room joined in with the chant.

  “Big C! Big C! Big C!”

  Ah yes. Music to my ears.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  As hoped, once things settled down, talks turned to the terms of the peace itself. It was agreed that since the Humbaba Accord had been broken by treachery, it was still valid and could be reinstated by both parties. Thank goodness, too. Considering how long it supposedly was, if they insisted on drafting a new treaty, we’d be here until long after Alex and Calibra had finally hashed things out.

  I did have one moment where I suggested that maybe we rename it the Cuntbaba Accord, in favor of the new Sasquatch leader, but that drew a painful shot in the arm from Sally. Hey, can’t fault a guy for trying.

  Unfortunately, that brought us to the part we all knew was coming.

  “Peace has been brokered in accordance with the terms set forth in the Humbaba Accord,” Sheila said as we all stood at attent
ion. She glanced once at me as if to ask if I really wanted to go through with this next part.

  The answer was no, but I didn’t really have a choice. Besides, if things worked out in our favor, we could deal with the consequences later. Hell, they’d probably be a cakewalk compared to the horrors waiting for us at the pool of magical spooge. I gave her the barest of nods.

  “Very well,” she said. “As was done before, during the original signing of the Accord, the leaders of both parties will take a mate from the opposing side as a show of fellowship. The exchange of vows will take place immediately to seal the pact.”

  Now came the tricky part.

  “Freewill,” Big C said, “I offer you Turd daughter.” He let out a roar, and I sensed movement at the top of the meeting place. I glanced up to see a seven-foot-tall Sasquatch with saggy tits that reached down almost to its knees come loping in to join us.

  “Hope you’re a boob guy,” Sally whispered to me with a smirk. Bitch!

  “Um, I thought Turd’s daughter was, well, you know...”

  “Turd have many cubs,” Big C replied. “One die to start war. Make sense for one to take her place.”

  Heh, yeah, and would also spare Big C from having to introduce his ugly new son-in-law at any family gatherings. Different ape, but still an asshole.

  Whatever the fuck. This was all just for show anyway.

  I hesitated for a beat. We’d discussed this beforehand, but there was still no way of knowing if Gan might decide to let her catty side out to play.

  Fortunately, the Sasquatch female’s chest remained knife free. I glanced over and saw that Gan’s expression was unreadable. She definitely wasn’t happy, but she was playing along. Now, as also discussed previously, it was her turn.

  “Thank you,” I replied. “I’m sure she will make a fine mate and give me many ... cubs.” Turd’s offspring apparently found this prospect as appealing as I did based on the grimace she made. Well, she needn't have worried. I’d made a few deposits in the skank bank back in college, but even I had standards. “Now, I would like to offer you, from our side, Gansetseg. She will make a fine mate for you. Though she may be short in stature, she is large in ... spirit.”