The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  Yeah, easier said than done.

  “Grul ... HOLY FUCKING SHIT!” I let out an incoherent scream as I pulled the last bullet free, puncturing something I was fairly certain I needed. For a moment, the world went grey with pain and the mouthfuls of blood I coughed out compromised my ability to speak.

  Despite the grievous wounds I’d suffered, there had been no inkling of Dr. Death since I’d been shot. Normally, he acted as a sort of defense mechanism against near fatal wounds, but not now. Interesting ... or it would be if every nerve ending in my body didn’t feel like it was on fire.

  I cleared my throat and managed to say what I’d been trying to. “Grulg, throw her this way!” It came out as more of a squeak, but that was fine. He heard me.

  Unfortunately, I picked the wrong moment to distract him, as the second he turned his head Sally kicked out with one heeled boot and caught him squarely in the nuts. The big monster went down to one knee with a look on his face that was all too familiar.

  He wasn’t entirely out of it, though. Before succumbing to the pain, he managed to backhand the compelled Sally, sending her careening my way. Not quite what I had in mind, but close enough.

  She landed about five feet short and skidded the rest of the way, erasing the skin on her exposed arms. Painful, but she’d live.

  Using what little strength I had left, I grabbed hold of her dazed form before she could recover and dragged her in.

  “Sorry,” I whispered in her ear, “but I need this more than you do.”

  Before she could wriggle free, I bit down on her neck, taking an extra-long pull from the artery I’d torn open. I released her and she tried to get back to her feet, back toward where Grulg was cradling his unborn children, but then she dropped to the ground and lay there panting. My attack had taken the last of the fight out of her.

  Now to see if I’d been right. Silver somehow retarded a vampire’s healing, but I’d been hoping maybe a boost from some untainted vamp blood might counter it a bit.

  Sally’s strength flooded my muscles. A modest increase, but anything was better than nothing at that point.

  C’mon, work!

  After a couple of seconds, though, it became obvious that ploy was a bust. I was still bleeding badly, but at least I had a little extra jolt in me, enough to pull myself back to my feet.

  “Hey, asshole,” I said weakly. “Come get some.”

  Colin ceased his assault upon Sheila and faced me – just in time, by the look of it. The glow around her was barely visible, a mere spark, and her eyes were as glazed as any compelled vamp’s. Blood dripped from numerous wounds where her power had failed to protect her. None of them looked fatal, but added up, it wasn’t good.

  The smug asshole dropped the now bent rebar and straightened his ruined collar. A natty dickhead to the very end.

  “Let’s finish this,” I said.

  “Very well, Freewill.” He glanced around at the battlefield, my downed friends, and then back at me. Even now, the arrogance radiating off him was enough to power a small town, made even worse when he smiled my way.

  I balled my fist and prepared to charge him, unsure of how I was going to pull this off, but hoping maybe a lucky bite would even things up a bit.

  Before I could move, though, he held up his hands.

  “This battle is over. As Prefect of the Northeastern Covens, I declare your identity confirmed. By edict of Lord Alexander, first of the First, I uphold the truce that was declared and offer any assistance I might.”

  Political Asylum

  “Hold on, what?!”

  “You heard me, Freewill,” Colin replied. “As to whether you understood me, I am certain that is debatable. However, it will have to suffice that at least one of us is in possession of the intelligence to do so.”

  “Hold on a second there, Hoss. I was just about to kick your ass. You can’t just...”

  “Also debatable, but I can and I will. Though you may think yourself an exception to our rules, you are not. You are governed by the edicts of the glorious First, as am I. Lord Alexander’s orders cannot be questioned.”

  “But you attacked us and...”

  “And beat all of you quite soundly?” It was like the fuckface was feeding off of my annoyance. The angrier I got, the more he seemed to like it. “I can assure you, that is a memory I shall cherish for eternity, all of you laid low and on the precipice of defeat by my hands. I only wish I had thought to capture it for posterity. Regardless, as I have already mentioned, that was Lord Alexander’s edict as well. Any who could not prove themselves were to be purged. Fortunately for you, though, I am now convinced of your and the Icon’s identities. As such, his other orders now take precedence.”

  My eyes narrowed. “Just ours?”

  Colin sighed and held his hands out as if he thought himself magnanimous. “Very well, our dear Sally, too. As for your other friend...”

  “Tom isn’t...”

  “Yes, yes, Freewill,” he replied dismissively. “I have seen the Jahabich in action. They fight ... competently, a word I cannot use to describe your friend’s actions. For now, we shall consider him an anomaly under your charge. I will warn you to keep a short tether on him, though.” He must have seen the look I was giving him at the implied threat because he added, “Oh, and lest you think otherwise, I will point out that the terms of your truce swing both ways. Neither you, the Icon, nor any of your other friends may lay a hand upon my person, lest you anger our lord and master.”

  “Is that so?” I glanced over to where Grulg was getting back up, one meaty hand still grasping his, well, meat.

  Colin may have been a dirtbag, but he was a perceptive dirtbag. He understood my meaning. “Though I do not believe it was originally Lord Alexander’s intent, as Prefect I am allowed the freedom to make field decisions. He will have the final say, of course, but for now I declare your ... err ... acquaintance privy to the protections laid forth in your agreement. Let’s call him an ambassador of sorts. Again, the reverse holds true.”

  “Of course,” I replied through gritted teeth. Oh, how tempting it was to let Grulg smash this twat’s skull like a grape. But knowing my luck, despite his assurances otherwise, we probably were being taped. Killing Colin might be the most worth it thing in this entire universe, but we needed Alex’s help until such time as we were ready to betray him. “Stand down, Grulg. Please stand down, that is. Colin is...” The words burned even as they formed in my mouth. “...a friend.”

  “Friend?” the big ape asked, the look on his face suggesting he thought I’d gone soft in the head. “Grulg find T’lunta customs very strange.”

  “Strange to me, too, buddy,” I replied. “Strange to me, too.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I dragged a sofa from one of the nearby ruined buildings, then helped Sheila onto it. She tried to insist she was okay, but didn’t put up any fight once I insisted she stay put for a while.

  Sally needed some alone time after the battle. After she woke up and I explained what happened, she was pissed with a capital P. Don’t get me wrong, she had every right to be. If she could have killed Colin with her thoughts, she would certainly have done so slowly and painfully. Alas, it would have put us right back where we started and at an even worse disadvantage, I noted as I glanced around at the armed vampires guarding the street.

  Turns out Colin had kept some men in reserve, just in case. They’d made their presence known shortly after the greasy shit-stain had declared us all one big happy family again. I didn’t think for one second these guys wouldn’t plug us with but a single word from his mouth, but for now, they held themselves in check. I’d take what I could get.

  Sally decided to go hunting to both blow off some steam and replenish the fluids lost in the fight. I should have gone with her, but I wasn’t about to leave Sheila alone with Colin. No fucking way was that happening. Tom offered to watch her for me, the glamour of his body having reconstituted itself, but that seemed
a bad idea. One flare up from her and all he’d be able to do was melt into a puddle of ectoplasm again.

  Besides, I wasn’t in shape to do much of anything. The bullet holes in my stomach and chest had finally scabbed over but, thanks to the silver, that was about the best I could hope for anytime soon. I was trying to put on a brave face for my friends, but it was all I could do to not fall on my ass.

  At least we had plenty to keep our minds occupied with, trying to figure out what our next move should be. The circumstances had changed on us too quickly for us to adequately adapt. As much as I hated to admit it, we kind of needed the time out.

  I just wished it was with better company than Colin.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I managed to glom some bagged blood off of our hosts, desperately needed after my extended session spent digging bullets out of my own body. It wouldn’t help me heal quicker, but I’d settle for not passing out. Fortunately, there were a few more Freewill fans among Colin’s remaining troops and they were more than happy to share in exchange for a bullshit story on how I pimp-slapped the shit out of The Destroyer.

  “If you’re finished listening to the Freewill’s fairy tales,” Colin said, strolling over after I was finished, “I want a flat area of at least ten thousand square feet cleared post-haste.”

  The guards gave me a look that said they knew shit duty when they were assigned it, but didn’t dare question their superior. Ah, yes, it was rare to meet a vamp who didn’t jump when told by an elder.

  As they ran off to do whatever the fuck he needed them to do, Colin turned to me. “While I imagine this is an alien concept to one such as yourself, I must remind you there are those of us who work for a living. I would ask that you neither distract my people from their duties nor waste rations that could be put to better use.”

  Some things never changed.

  In my current condition, this prick could have easily creamed me, so I realized it might be wise of me to mind my tongue.

  Pity that wisdom was the dump stat of my last D&D character. “And what duties would that be? Sweeping out the crater that used to be your office? Because I think you might need a few more men.”

  “The Magi hit us at an inopportune moment and with little warning.”

  “You should have kept some of Vehron’s men on the payroll, then. They seemed to be pretty good at keeping an eye open for him.” We glared at each other, the night quiet save for the sound of scurrying vamps and settling rubble. “Speaking of which,” I said, looking around, “aside from your people, I haven’t seen any signs of life at all. I’d imagine there’d be emergency crews, people trying to get back home, maybe someone brave enough to wander into the woods for a souvenir tree branch.”

  “Mandatory evacuation by the National Guard once the attack began.”

  “Convenient.”

  “Not really,” Colin replied. “Who do you think ordered it?”

  I raised an eyebrow. “Huh, who’d have thought you had a soft spot for humans?”

  “I do not. I do, however, seek to draw as little attention to our kind as possible, even during these interesting times. As much as I appreciate cannon fodder for what it is...” His eyes flashed black. “I do not appreciate the attention such an attack would surely draw to a building that is supposed to remain clandestine to the populace.”

  “And a giant smoldering crater is clandestine?”

  “An act of terrorism,” he replied with a shrug. “We will ensure some silly group or other claims responsibility once the media picks up on it.”

  “Terrorism ... against a car wash?”

  “These are strange days we live in, Freewill. Do not discount the ability of cattle to believe what is spoon fed to them.”

  “You’re a real humanitarian, you know that?”

  “I am loyal to the establishment I serve. You could learn a thing or two about that. Despite my assurances earlier, I have little doubt Lord Alexander will be quite interested to know why one of the beasts that helped perpetrate this attack is currently among your entourage.”

  This was more like the Colin I knew. Despite his actions earlier during the battle, he was always one to let others do his dirty work for him. Still, he did have a point. Were our positions reversed, I’d hopefully be less of a suck-up, but it would probably look pretty bad for the poster boy for the war effort to be hanging out with the enemy. Kinda like if Captain America came waltzing into camp hand-in-hand with the Red Skull.

  I took a subtle look around, mostly to make sure Grulg wasn’t in earshot. “Not so strange to be offering asylum to a defector.”

  Colin raised one eyebrow dubiously. “A defector. That’s your story?”

  “What? No one has ever switched sides in the history of our war?”

  He let out a pained sigh. “There were reports in the sixties of some covens going native, but so far as I am aware, no Grendel has ever crossed the so-called Bridge of No Return.”

  “Oh, well, there’s always a first time.”

  Yeah, it was weak. There was also the problem of what one would do with a Sasquatch defector? Put them in a zoo and have them pretend to be an overly large monkey?

  I also had no idea how Grulg would react at being asked to play along with my lie.

  All in all, it was a few more shovelfuls from the grave I seemed intent on digging for myself.

  Hairy Palm and His Five Sisters

  Dawn was rapidly approaching. Sally still hadn’t returned from her walkabout, which meant she was either really pissed or busy wrecking wholesale slaughter upon some human stragglers she’d found. Regardless, I was beginning to get worried.

  The good news? Sheila was on the mend. Her powers continued to grow stronger as the tainted blood wore off and she was able to begin healing herself. Reasonably certain the danger to her had passed, I decided to wander back to the tree line of the unnatural forest. Grulg had professed to being more comfortable there and had returned to it. Since we appeared to be in the eye of the proverbial hurricane, it was time to tell him why we’d been seeking him out. The alternative was to shove my thumb up my ass and pretend it would all be fine in the end – a strategy that hadn’t worked out too well for me in days past.

  I stood at the very edge of the forest, looking in. Though a sniff of the air told me there wasn’t a group of Feet waiting for me in ambush, that didn’t mean anything. Their magic could be tricky, and I’d gotten enough woodland ass-kickings to put me off the idea of camping for the rest of my life.

  “You there, Grulg?” I asked, my voice perhaps lower than intended, but with good reason. Should anything unfriendly answer, I was in no condition to fight back.

  After a minute or two of feeling like I was ringing the doorbell to an empty house, I was about to turn around when the shadows a couple of yards in seemed to solidify, taking on a far more solid form. Even though I recognized Grulg, the sight still caused me to catch my breath for a moment. After my dealings with these guys, I’d probably never be able to view Harry and the Hendersons as anything other than a horror movie.

  I forced a casual tone to my voice. “Just hanging out?”

  “No,” he replied. “Needed to tell others.”

  “What?” Oh shit.

  He held up one of his massive hands in a placating manner. “Told others Grulg still hunting T’lunta. That Grulg must hunt alone, otherwise Grulg’s honor be disgraced.” He actually winked at me. Either that or a flea had bitten him in the wrong place. Regardless, I was happy to hear it.

  I turned and took another sniff, this time back the way I’d come, making sure I hadn’t been followed. “I think it’s time I came clean with you.”

  “Clean? T’lunta always smell funny. Wish to smell better?”

  I backed up a step before I could be pelted with anything foul. “No. Just a figure of speech. It means it’s time I told you why we were looking for you. Before I start, though, I want to ask one favor of you.”

  �
�What?”

  I considered their new alliance with the Magi. “If you don’t like what you hear, at least give me a sporting head start.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I reminded Grulg of our time spent underground as prisoners of the Jahabich. From the snarl on his face, I gathered he wasn’t overly fond of the memory. Then I dropped the bomb that their creator was Calibra, aka Kala the White, aka Ib the first vampire.

  As I got into the nitty gritty, his face became unreadable. I could understand. It was like learning your best friend and your worst enemy both had the same dad.

  “T’lunta and Magi same?” he asked. “Neutral was trick?”

  “No. So far as I’m aware, the connection isn’t widely known and I’m not sure the people in power would want it to get out anyway. So far as the Magi are concerned, Kala the White is the ultimate hippie chick of goodness and us vamps are still sewer scum. I sincerely doubt she outed herself as vampire numero uno to them. The thing is, not only is she the progenitor of both races, but she’s the creator of the Jahabich as well.”

  I went on to explain how Sally and I had collapsed our escape tunnel behind us, sealing it. “That’s why we need you, Grulg. You escaped, too. We were hoping you could show us the way back.”

  “To kill In’luh ... Jahabich?” Our word for them was a big one for his kind, and it came out sounding like he was gargling gravel.

  “More than that,” I explained. “To kill Ib. She’s too powerful and evil to let live. She kidnapped some friends of mine. Also...” I took a moment to debate whether I wanted to place all my cards on the table, but then concluded we were simply too far along to do otherwise. I needed to let the dice roll and accept the outcome. “We’re going to kill the leader of the First Coven, too, so we can end this war once and for all.”

  Unsurprisingly, that garnered me a raised eyebrow and a snot-filled snort, which I just barely sidestepped. “War already over. Peace now.”