The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

“Then we’re fucked,” I replied.

  “No,” Gan said. “If so, then we simply resort to more drastic means.”

  “We start digging?” Tom asked.

  “This golem grows tiresome.”

  “Yeah, we know,” Sally said, then turned to my roommate. “How about you go find a nice shiny rock to stare at while the grownups talk?”

  “What kind of drastic measures?” I asked. “You don’t have another of those fucking blades, do you? Because if you do...”

  Gan produced something from one of her pockets. It was a syringe, about a third full with a dirty black liquid. “We have no need of the blades of Baal when we already have the essence we require.”

  Son of a bitch!

  Meeting Up With Old Friends

  “What the fuck do you have that for?”

  Gan shrugged as if she’d shown us nothing more interesting than a pen.

  “Bill, don’t overreact.”

  “Overreact?” I turned to Sheila. “We saw what that shit did to you last time.”

  “Yes, and I survived.”

  “Barely. Answer me, Gan.”

  “I do so love seeing your fire.”

  My eyes turned black. All at once, that anger inside of me was practically begging to be let out. “You really don’t want to go there, because this is one fire that will burn the shit out of you.”

  “Way to grow a set, man!” Tom exclaimed, pretty much ruining the mood.

  “Do you mind?”

  “Once the witches were finished administering it in the Woods of Mourning,” Gan replied casually, “I took it upon myself to retrieve what was left.”

  “Yeah, but why?”

  “A precaution.”

  “Against?”

  “Should your final battle with the Shining One not go in your favor.”

  “What?!” Sheila cried out.

  “Hold on; you were going to cheat to help me win?”

  “Of course.”

  “What was all that bullshit, then, about having faith in me?”

  “I do, beloved.” Gan’s voice took on a coldness I’d only seen her use on her subordinates, “but know that I am a descendent of the great Temüjin, heir to his throne. I believe in you with all my heart, but I am no fool. I do not plan my campaigns on faith alone. Fate cannot be denied, but that does not mean it cannot be manipulated by those with the foresight and spine to do so.”

  Whoa.

  Tom nudged Sally. “What was that you were saying a few minutes ago about Crazy Town?”

  “Yep, I think we’re past vacation and well into having her mail forwarded there.”

  I stepped up and held out my hand. “Give it to me, Gan.”

  “I do not believe you are thinking this through logically, my love.”

  “Hand it over, or so help me...”

  “No.” Sheila stepped between us. “Give it to me.”

  “What?”

  She rounded on me, her eyes glowing white. “You heard me. Gan is right. The second she hands it over to you, you’re going to smash it against a rock or something.”

  “Pretty much.”

  “I can’t let you do that.”

  “Yes you can.”

  “Wrong. I was late to the party with Vehron. Because of that, you had to face him alone. I won’t do that to you again, to any of you.”

  “You don’t know Calibra.”

  “And you do?”

  “Well, no, but I’ve seen her in action. She’s unlike anything either of us has ever fought before. Neither of us can face her with anything but our A game. She is the best of both worlds, vampire and mage. If you’re vulnerable to either one...”

  “And you’re not? What about him?” She pointed to Tom and then toward Sally. “Or her.”

  She had a point. Truth be told, all of us combined might not be enough. Even so, it was a stupid risk for her to wander directly into the lion’s den prozacced-out on that shit.

  “This is my choice,” she said at last, holding out her hand to Gan.

  I stepped in front of her. “And what if I say no?”

  Her free hand dropped to the hilt of her sword, drawing the blade an inch. “Then we do this final battle right here and now.”

  “You can’t be serious.”

  “She looks pretty serious to me,” Sally said rather unhelpfully.

  “Are we taking bets?” Tom asked. “Because no offense, dude, but...”

  “Oh, shut the fuck up already,” I snapped.

  “I’m coming with you no matter what,” Sheila said slowly and with finality.

  Fuck me! I swear, in the next life, I am making friends who aren’t so fucking stubborn.

  After a few moments, Gan handed over the syringe. “Well said, Shining One.”

  Sheila took the needle and pocketed it. “I’m still mad at you.”

  Gan shrugged as if she expected no less.

  “So much for your grand plans,” I said with a bitter smirk.

  “Worry not, my love, for much like Alexander, I am more than capable of modifying my strategy in the field.”

  That’s what I was afraid of.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  One moment, we were walking down the dank tunnel, Sheila softly glowing so as to light the way for her and Tom. The next, we were engulfed in pitch darkness.

  “Ow! Fucking wall!” Tom cried out.

  The sudden darkness wasn’t an issue, but it caught me by surprise, so much that I missed what my other senses were screaming out.

  “Oh shit,” Sally said. “We’re here.”

  “I believe you are right,” Gan replied.

  “What are you...?”

  That’s when it hit me. The scents had abruptly changed along with the lighting. I could still sense the residual smell of the Magi, but there was more ... a plethora of aromas, like a zoo populated by creatures straight out of a nightmare. Beneath it all, almost like a fungus, was a familiar earthy aroma, not much different than the walls around us, but just enough to set off my “Oh Fuck!” alarms. The Jahabich.

  “Good thinking dousing the lights,” I said. “How did you know to...?”

  “Um, Bill?” Sally asked.

  “Yeah?”

  “Notice anyone missing?”

  That’s when I realized Sheila hadn’t quelled her powers. Our group had somehow become one fewer in number.

  “Anyone care to explain for those of us without fucking night vision?” Tom asked. “Or should I just shove my thumb up my ass until someone produces a flashlight?”

  “Why should now be any different than at home?” I replied, looking around.

  “Oh, for Christ’s sake!” Sally shrugged off her backpack and began rooting around in the supplies we’d gotten from the Templar. After a moment, she shoved a Maglite into Tom’s hands.

  A second later, the cave was aglow again.

  “Can you not point that at my face?” I snarled.

  “Sorry, man.”

  I blinked and waited for the spots to disappear before resuming my search. She was just gone, with no trace of what had happened.

  “We have crossed over,” Gan replied. “The Shining One did not. It would seem I was in error.”

  “Ya think?” Sally asked.

  “Sheila!” I cried out.

  Sally smacked me upside the head. “Why not just ring the doorbell, fucktard?”

  Oh, shit. “Sorry.”

  However, a moment later, I thought I heard my name called. It was faint, probably only audible to those of us with super hearing.

  “Did you guys...?”

  “Yeah,” Sally said. “Weird. It’s like it came from right here, but far away at the same time.”

  Right here, but far away ... was it possible? “Hold on; I’m gonna try something.”

  “Should I duck and cover?”

  “Oh ye of little faith.”

  I turned and began walking back the
way we came. For several steps, the tunnel looked no different than it had moments earlier. Suddenly, it all changed, though. The glow from Tom’s flashlight was replaced by one of purer white. I turned to find Sheila standing right there behind me. All at once, the smells of creatures from a dozen different mythologies faded away.

  “Okay, that was weird.”

  “You’re telling me,” she replied. “It’s like you guys just winked out of existence. If I didn’t know something like that could have happened, I’d probably be questioning my sanity right now.”

  I looked at her and then had to do a double take, for what I was seeing was seriously fucking trippy. She was there, but so were the others, too, all of them looking my way. They were all standing in roughly the same spot, except there was a double image quality to it, flickering back and forth. One second Sheila seemed real, whereas the rest of my friends looked like ghosts, then it would reverse itself.

  “Are you seeing any of this?” I asked.

  “What? I don’t see anything except you and more cave.”

  “Guess your powers futzed with the magic after all. But you heard me call out?”

  “Yeah, just barely. It sounded like you were at the other end of a bad phone connection.”

  “I think I know why. It would seem that right about here...” I waved my hand in front of me, and judging by the looks I got from the other three, they saw it, too. “...is the portal, passage, or whatever the fuck it is.”

  After a moment, Sheila nodded. “It’s weird, but I think I knew it was coming.”

  “You did? How?”

  “For the last couple hundred feet, I’ve been feeling this odd buzzing in the back of my teeth. I thought maybe I was getting a headache. Guess not.”

  I considered what Gan had said earlier. “It might be the power from the ley line. You could be subconsciously picking it up, like radio interference. I don’t know. Hold on a second. Hey, Sally!”

  Sally looked directly at me. “Is there a fucking reason you’re yelling again when I just told you not to?”

  “Wait, you heard that?”

  “Loud and clear.”

  “And what about the last few seconds?”

  “We’ve been listening to you talk to yourself.”

  “Are you talking to the others?” Sheila asked.

  Okay, this was getting weird.

  “I must be standing right in the portal,” I explained – hopefully to everyone. “I can see and hear all of you, and you can see me, but not each other. Sound about right?”

  “Right, if not particularly sane,” Sally replied.

  “Good enough. Stop fucking around, Tom. It’s obscene. She’s standing right there.”

  Sheila’s lips narrowed. “What’s he doing?”

  “Don’t ask. Just being an asshole.”

  “This is fucking cool,” he said with another hip thrust.

  “It’s going to be a lot less cool,” I warned, “if I ask her to power up and melt you into a pile of goo again.”

  “Beloved?”

  I let out a sigh. “What, Gan?”

  “Please tell the Shining One I would highly recommend she commence with our plan.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I believe we have been noticed.”

  I didn’t hear anything, nor feel any movement from the ground, but judging by Sally’s reaction, she did. Maybe I was slightly more on Sheila’s side of reality than theirs.

  “Oh, shit,” she said.

  “I’m coming.”

  Sally held up a hand before I could move, though. “No! Stay where you are. In fact, get behind her, wherever she is.”

  “Get behind her? What the fuck are you...?”

  “I can see you,” she hissed, “but I can’t smell you. I’m willing to bet neither will they, but the jig will definitely be up if these fuckers can eyeball you standing right there.”

  “Your whore speaks wisely,” Gan said. I think it was meant to be a compliment, but Sally threw her a nasty look regardless. “Do so ... now.”

  I was still confused, but the insistence of Gan’s voice got me moving. I backed up a few steps and beckoned Sheila to follow. Thankfully, she didn’t waste time on questions. She did as asked, reining in her power enough so I wasn’t immediately burnt to a crisp. Over her shoulder, the images of our friends began to waver, taking on that ghost-like quality again. It was Sheila’s powers messing with the passage. It had to be.

  The sound from the other side grew faint, barely audible, leaving me with a distorted view that more closely resembled an old Charlie Chaplin film than real life.

  “Tell me what you see,” Sheila said.

  The others turned away from us and faced down the tunnel. “I think there’s something coming.”

  “Is it...”

  “Yeah, the Jahabich.”

  An orange glow approached from up ahead. A few moments later, the forms of at least a dozen of the ugly monsters appeared, three wide and several deep.

  “Shit! We need to help them. There’s no way they can fight off that many.”

  “Maybe they’re not planning to,” Sheila said, still blocking my way.

  “What do you...?”

  That’s when I realized what Sally had meant. Neither she nor Gan had taken up defensive positions. They both held their ground, almost casually, as the rocky abominations closed in. Only Tom appeared worried.

  “Um, you guys are gonna do something, right? Oh fuck this shit.” As the Jahabich closed to within a couple of paces, Tom apparently lost his mind and raced forward.

  “Suck my mega-cock, motherfuckers!” He threw a punch, which landed right between the eyes of the first of the creatures and, unsurprisingly, did absolutely nothing.

  “What the fuck?”

  “What’s going on?” Sheila asked.

  “Um, hard to describe.”

  The line of Jahabich halted as Tom continued to rain blow after ineffectual blow on the one he’d decided to attack. It was impossible to attribute emotions to the Jahabich when in their rock monster forms. They didn’t have too many other expressions aside from creepy staring. However, if they did, I’m certain the one in the lead would have been expressing embarrassment for my roommate.

  It opened its mouth and let out a noise that almost sounded like a sigh, before shoving Tom to the side and approaching the others.

  My roommate, for his part, wasn’t so easily daunted. “Yeah, you like that? There’s more where that came from. What’s the matter, too badass for you?”

  “Are they okay?” Sheila asked, her voice barely a whisper. She couldn’t see what was going on, but she could probably sense something was wrong.

  “For the moment,” I replied, my voice just as low.

  “We have been expecting you,” the Jahabich rumbled. “Mother has been expecting you.”

  The others behind him echoed the sentiment. “Mother.”

  “These fuckers definitely have mommy issues,” I said. “I guess they weren’t loved enough as...”

  The words died in my throat as the Jahabich in front began to change. Its rocklike features softened, then became almost fluid-like as its skin flowed and reshaped itself, becoming taller and leaner.

  Clubs became hands and the armored skin took on a more refined texture, akin to that of an expensive suit. Finally, the orange holes in its head filled out until a pair of familiar beady eyes stared back at my friends with a mixture of both hostility and triumph.

  “Well well well, if it isn’t my two favorite ladies of the night,” Harry Decker said with a grin. The trollop and the murderer.”

  In through the Backdoor

  “Son of a...”

  “What is it?”

  “It’s Decker,” I said. “He’s alive. I have to...”

  Sheila continued to block my way. “Don’t.”

  I made to move around her. Seeing a dead dickhead risen from the grave had that effect
on me. All I wanted to do was wipe that smug grin off his face and send him right back to the land of the talking skulls.

  She continued to stand between me and the passage and then, finally, when I tried to push my way past, she ignited her aura. It was only a momentary flare up, but it had the desired effect of sending my ass flying back down the cave the way we’d come.

  I landed, a bit crispy on the outside, but still in charge of my own faculties.

  “Don’t give us away,” she hissed through gritted teeth, as if being blasted had been my idea.

  I was about to voice my thoughts on this when I realized Decker had stopped his gloating to look in our direction. I’d forgotten the magical wall between us was thin enough for some sound to carry through.

  Thankfully, he didn’t seem to see us. He continued to stare for a moment longer, but then turned back to my friends and commenced monologuing. “Just you two? Curious.”

  “Yo, dude, I’m here, too,” Tom said.

  “Speak to me not, fool,” Decker spat. “You are the cause of this all, the one who turned my beloved pupil against me.”

  “Don’t blame me, asshole. Once a fine lady knows my cock, there ain’t no other she wants to rock.”

  Oh God, he did not just say that.

  “How the fuck have you not died a virgin?” Sally asked with a pained grimace.

  “What’s going on?” Sheila whispered.

  “Oh, the usual. Tom’s talking about his dick.”

  Decker ignored Sally’s comment and continued to direct his spittle-flinging fury at my roommate. “And look what it has wrought you. This mockery of life. You are no man, merely the illusion of one.”

  “Pot calling the kettle black.”

  Decker smiled again and, this time, I noted his very human-looking teeth. He was another like Starlight, a Jahabich 2.0, a perfect doppelganger. “What I am is blessed, fool. The White Mother has smiled upon me, embraced me, made me whole again.” He made a gesture with his hand at my friend, but nothing happened. He looked at it and frowned. Interesting. No magic. That could be useful. “Almost whole, anyway. But soon, once she triumphs, she will fix that. The Source shall wash over me and I shall be reborn as I once was.”

  “I see death has not made you any less delusional, maapamba,” Gan said. “Or are those the words of Ib seeping through your lips?”