The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “Better,” Sheila said. “Maybe about fifty percent. Not good enough, though. I had no idea there would be so many Magi.”

  “Did any of them recognize you?”

  “No idea, but I didn’t take any chances. Thankfully, it’s easy to lose yourself in the crowd here.”

  “What about Ed?”

  She shook her head.

  “Okay, we’ll have to trust that he’s still Calibra’s golden child. Of everyone here, he’s probably in the least danger.”

  “Where are the others?”

  “They are currently preparing for battle,” Gan replied.

  “So we have a plan?”

  I hated to be a Debbie Downer, so I sugarcoated things. “Working on it. For now, I need you to stay here. Gan and I have to go find Meg and try not to get killed in the process.”

  “No way.”

  “You’re in no shape to...”

  “And you are?” She looked me over, no doubt noticing the fact that my clothes were ripped to hell.

  Amusingly enough, wardrobe aside, I was better than I had any right to be. Before leaving, Gan had suggested I bite all the vamps in the room. Problem was, the Jahabich sucked balls as jailers. Apparently, the feeding schedule was timed to coincide with the 12th of Never. Old they might have been, but even I could tell the vamps we’d rescued were just barely hanging on. The fight with the Jahabich had further drained what few reserves they had left. I felt bad for the first wizards they came across once it was time to go on the offensive.

  Well, okay, not really.

  James, however, had insisted I take some more of his blood, pulling rank and reminding me how things tended to go for those who told the First Coven to go fuck themselves.

  Gan, Sheila, and I continued to bicker for a few more moments, but then – as luck would have it – the decision was made for us.

  “Sssstrangers! Look out.”

  It was one of those lizard dudes, and we didn’t need to wait to see what he was talking about. A section of the wall penning them in had turned around and disengaged, heading our way. Guess word had gotten out that the Freewill was no longer on the guest list.

  Normally, the phrase “there were only four of them” wouldn’t exactly be a comforting thing to hear where the Jahabich were concerned. But between the three of us, we made short work of them.

  Pity that more were on the way.

  “Guess that settles it,” Sheila said with a grin.

  “So it does,” I remarked snidely. “Try to keep up.”

  I glanced back toward the lizard men, but they stayed where they were. We could have used their help, but they had the look of prisoners broken enough to cower even when their cage door was wide open. So be it. “If anyone asks, tell them we went that way.” I pointed in the opposite direction we were headed and hoped for the best.

  I remembered my last time down here. Though the Jahabich might be creatures of chaos, they tended to react slowly when confronted with it – their methods of attack more in tune with their hive mind. Thus, it was time to introduce some bedlam to the mix.

  We were in the outer chamber and needed to get back to where The Source was. Even if Meg had been spared a quick dip up til now, I didn’t doubt Calibra was the type to bump her off out of spite. Ancient evils from the dawn of time tended to be assholes that way.

  “Follow my lead.”

  “To the ends of this Earth and beyond,” Gan replied.

  Sheila laughed as I threw the little hellion a sour look. Yeah, she’d definitely roomed with Sally for one day too many.

  “Just do as I do,” I said. “The name of the game is tag.”

  I spied a nearby wall of Jahabich standing guard around something big, slimy, and with a lot of tentacles. Perfect! I ran up, grabbed one of its jailers, and flung it into his buddies, sending them tumbling. “Tag! You’re it!”

  A trio of monstrous yellow eyes opened up on their prisoner’s mucus-covered ... err, body, I suppose ... and stared down at me.

  “Yo, Cthulhu! Don’t just sit there looking pretty. Get your fucking ass moving.”

  I had no idea whether it understood me or not. Honestly, I hoped to never have anything remotely resembling a meaningful conversation with something that looked like it. However, even if it didn’t grok what I was saying, it began to struggle against the stalactites pinning its many appendages in place. With a tremendous heave, it tore itself free and attacked its tormentors.

  Okay, that was one.

  I turned to find Sheila had just done the same for a group of captive Wisps. Not a bad choice, all in all. Like many of the other prisoners, these things were in pretty sad shape. Yet it was amazing how motivational a little bit of hope was. They immediately set to work fusing Jahabich in place, raising the temperature in the immediate area uncomfortably.

  Sheila ran over to join me. “I think I kinda like this game. So how do we win?”

  “We don’t die,” I replied, spotting Gan.

  As usual, she had to make the rest of us look bad. She’d released some winged gargoyle-looking things, a pack of maniacally cackling gremlins, and a group of feral vampires. That last bunch was probably as likely to attack us as our enemies, but beggars couldn’t be choosers.

  Our strategy wasn’t a winning one. If I knew the Jahabich, they’d regroup quickly and brutally. Those fighting back would also mostly be trying to escape. It was only the truly pissed off or the insane who would want to stick around to see how this ended.

  But that was fine for now. Every Jahabich that got smashed was one less to pound our heads in.

  “This way!” I led us in the direction of the caves that would get us further inside. That was going to be the tricky part. They were narrow and didn’t have any prisoners in them to free. We’d be on our own and with a shitload more Jahabich, not to mention mages, waiting on the other side for us.

  Yeah, this oughta be fun.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “You can put me down now.”

  “Are you sure? Because it might be dicey once we’re in...”

  “I believe the Shining One’s legs are quite sufficient to carry her,” Gan said. Normally, she was pretty magnanimous with regard to me and Sheila, confident that one day we’d rule the world as queen and whatever the fuck slave title I’d get, but today she sounded a bit snippy. Music to my ears. Glad to see the little nut wasn’t entirely crack-proof.

  Several Jahabich battling a group of four-armed imps had blocked our way. Much as I would’ve liked to have stopped and helped the multi-armed guys, we had places to be. So, counting on the fact that her powers were still weakened and less likely to blow me to bits, I’d scooped up Sheila and gotten a running start before leaping over the fray.

  One of these days, I really needed to invest in one of those GoPro cameras because I was pretty sure it looked cool as all hell. I even stuck the landing.

  “There!” I said. “The cave is right ahead, right past those...” The fuck? I put Sheila down, barely realizing I was doing so.

  “Bodies?” she finished for me.

  There was maybe a half dozen of them, all human – in appearance at least. It was painfully obvious this wasn’t done by the Jahabich. My first clue was that their heads hadn’t been caved in. The blood seeping from the wounds on their necks was my second.

  But who...?

  A familiar figure stepped from the cave entrance, leaned against the wall, and folded his arms impatiently.

  Ed was trying to look cool, but that illusion was immediately dispelled once he doubled over and puked his guts out all over the floor.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  We raced over to him, taking care not to step on the corpses littering the place.

  “Are you okay?” I asked.

  “Yeah. Damn vampire blood. Always does that to me. Don’t seem to have a taste for it like you do.”

  I helped him up. “That’s because you’re a fucking pussy.”


  “I hope there’s a plan behind all this chaos,” he said after nodding a greeting to Sheila and then pointedly ignoring Gan. “Because otherwise, we just stirred a major pot of shit for no reason.”

  “We?”

  “Who do you think did all this?” He pointed toward the bodies.

  “Why?” Sheila asked.

  He dropped the bullshit act. “Relax. They all volunteered. Once I heard the commotion at the far end of the cave, I figured shit was happening, so I punched out the closest Jahabich. By the way, have I mentioned how awesome that is to do?”

  I motioned for him to hurry up. “Fascinating. We’re on a timetable here.”

  “Fuck you. I guess I’m still on their do-not-hurt list because his buddies all stood by and let me do it. They were guarding some vampires who jumped in once they saw what I was doing. After we were finished, a bunch of them asked if I’d put the bite on them. Guess the rumor mill works even down here.”

  “So you did?”

  “Yeah. I mean, these guys were pretty much fucked otherwise. This way, maybe they’ll wake up in time to help us out a bit.”

  “Ready-made reinforcements,” Sheila said. “Not a bad idea.”

  “See, told you I was a good pick to run your company.”

  “Uh huh,” I replied. “Be sure to give him some stock options when we get back. Unfortunately, we can’t sit around and wait for these guys to turn. We have a witch to save and a bunch of other stuff I have no idea how we’re gonna pull off. You in?”

  “I’ve tagged along this far. Might as well see how the rest plays out.”

  “Sounds like a plan. Follow me and I’ll show you how a real vampire does it.”

  “Good,” he replied. “Now we just have to find a real vampire.”

  Such an asshole.

  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

  Bringing a Wand to a Fistfight

  If the Jahabich were smart, they’d have simply caved the tunnel in on us and been done with it. I mean, there we were – the Freewill, the Icon, the progenitor of a new breed of vampires, and Gan. Four for the price of one, and it would have almost certainly saved them a lot of trouble otherwise.

  But either they were idiots or Calibra had too much ego at stake. So we raced unmolested down the tunnel toward the cave that held The Source.

  For a few moments, I thought our transition between the two caverns was going to be easy, but then I spied a lone figure walking our way from the other end – Starlight.

  I held up a hand for my group to stop. “Let me handle this.”

  “A foolish course of action, my love. You would do best to dispatch her immediately.”

  I was sorely tempted to turn and clock the little princess. With my current power level, I actually had a fairly decent shot of hitting her. But this was probably a poor time to test the limits of our relationship. “I said I have this.” I walked away from the rest of the group and approached my former friend.

  “Ib is angry,” she said.

  “I kind of figured.”

  “No, I mean really angry. She’s going to make an example of anyone you haven’t gotten to yet.”

  “Then I guess I need to keep moving.”

  “You do.”

  I folded my arms in front of my chest and locked eyes with her. “Are you going to try to stop us?”

  Starlight hesitated for a moment, then gave her head a single shake.

  There it was. She was still in there somewhere. I had to at least try. “Help us.”

  “It’s too late for me.”

  “Obviously it’s not.”

  She turned away and struck the wall of the tunnel in frustration. “Yes it is. She’s in here, too.” She pointed to her head. “Always. All the time. It never stops. I can hear the rest of them, never ever shutting up. The only peace I get is when I give in. Even now I can feel it. She’s ordering us all back to our ... other forms. We’re more susceptible that way, less likely to do our own thing.”

  “Like Decker did?”

  “Excuse my saying so, but he was an asshole.” She looked past me toward where the others stood. “I’m glad you killed him. The first time, anyway.”

  Gan, obviously eavesdropping, replied, “The pleasure was entirely mine.”

  I turned back to Star. “So now what?”

  “Now you get moving that way, and I keep going the other way ... for as long as I can. I don’t have long. I can’t fight her. I’m sorry.”

  “Not as sorry as I am for letting Vehron take you.”

  “You got him. That’s the important thing.” She lowered her voice. “Just don’t let anyone else around here know I said that.”

  I let out a small laugh. “Your secret is safe with me.”

  She stepped up next to me, preparing to walk past. “Good luck, Bill. I mean it.”

  “I’ll do my best.”

  “Just don’t worry about what happens to me. Promise?”

  I let out a long sigh and finally replied, “I promise.”

  “Good ... oh, and if you see Sally, tell her I said I always considered her a friend.”

  “I will.”

  “Even if she was a bitch most of the time.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “Are you okay?” Sheila asked after Starlight had passed us.

  I didn’t answer her, but Ed did. “I think we’ll all be much better after we ice a certain white-wearing witch.”

  “Amen to that.” I turned to Sheila, “How are you doing?”

  “Nothing a blood transfusion won’t cure. Seriously, I’ll make do. At least nobody in there is likely to point a gun at my face.”

  “There is that.”

  “The end of the tunnel is up ahead,” Gan said. “Do you still possess the Wanderer’s strength, beloved?” After a moment of silence, she added, “Beloved? I am speaking to you.”

  “I don’t answer to that.”

  “You are being childish.”

  “Look who’s talking,” Ed muttered.

  “I will remind you,” Gan addressed him, “that, despite my love’s fondness for your well-being, I am quite aware that ending your existence will foil Ib’s plans.”

  “And I’m shutting up now,” he replied quickly.

  “A wise choice.” She turned back toward me with an expectant look upon her face.

  “Fine. Yes, I still have James’s power. Not sure for how long, but good to go for now.”

  “And what about...?”

  “That too,” I hastily replied. “Saving it for a special occasion.”

  “Good,” she said. “Then you and I will strike first and fast. Wade into the throng of Magi, use them against each other.”

  “And us?” Sheila asked.

  “This one...” Gan indicated Ed. “Will not be harmed. None of Ib’s thralls will risk her wrath. Use that to your advantage.”

  Sheila glanced sidelong at Ed and he replied, “Let me guess. Demoted from president to meat shield?”

  “Something like that.”

  “Story of my life.”

  As far as plans went, it wasn’t much to go on. But then, from a tactical perspective, we didn’t have a lot to work with. We were in a mostly straight tunnel that opened up right into the belly of the beast. The chances of us casually walking in unnoticed were somewhere between nil and don’t make me fucking laugh.

  Fast and painful it was, then, just like most dates I’d been on.

  Speaking of which...

  “Wait a second, Bill.” Sheila approached me, then stopped and looked down at Gan, who’d stepped right in front of where I stood. “Excuse me.”

  Gan, however, did nothing of the sort. Oh yeah, the claws were definitely coming out now that we were finally reaching the endgame.

  “Fine, whatever.” Sheila stepped around her to face me. She held up a hand, hesitated, then looked embarrassed for a moment. After a beat, she kissed her own palm, then pressed it to my l
ips. “Here. For luck.”

  I raised an eyebrow.

  “Probably not a great time to accidentally set you on fire,” she said sheepishly.

  I meant to agree with her, but instead found myself saying, “I’m willing to risk it.”

  With that, I stepped in and ... bumped into Gan, who had helpfully inserted herself between us again.

  “The Shining One is correct,” she said frostily. “This would be an inopportune time to act foolishly.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  The moment definitely over, we prepared ourselves. Gan and I were the shock part of the plan, whereas Sheila and Ed would hopefully bring the awe.

  “Use all of the speed at your disposal, my love,” Gan said. “I will be barely a step behind you.”

  “Okay, let’s do this before anyone else steps into this tunnel and fucks it up.”

  “Good luck, man,” Ed said from behind me. “You too, Princess Cockblocker.”

  I blew out an annoyed breath and then I was off.

  Oh, how I envied James. To be able to do this at will, moving so fast the world slowed down around you. And he didn’t even have to bust out of his clothes to do so.

  The tunnel entrance rapidly grew wider as I approached, then, like a flash, I was through. There were about thirty feet of open space in front of me ... and a whole lineup of angry mages beyond, all apparently waiting for my stupid ass to come barreling out.

  Fast as we were, we weren’t nearly quick enough.

  Before I could close the distance, a purplish globe of energy surrounded me and lifted me off the ground. My feet were still moving at a pace that made them little more than a blur, but my actual forward momentum abruptly halted thanks to the magical hamster wheel I was now trapped in.

  Fuck me!

  I turned to shout a warning to Gan, hoping I provided her at least a small cover bonus, but she was nowhere to be seen.

  What the fuck? Had they vaporized her?

  Beyond, Sheila was approaching the tunnel mouth, albeit at a far more human pace than I had. One of the witches shouted a warning at her appearance.

  About half a dozen mages powered up in an angry red glow and then let loose as she set foot outside the tunnel entrance. She’d been expecting that, though, and abruptly side-stepped, revealing Ed.