The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “What are you...?”

  “Something that’s been overdue for a very long time,” Sally interrupted. “Wouldn’t you agree, Uncle Colin?”

  Uncle Colin?!

  I barely had time to process this before she stepped up and drove the blade straight through his chest. Her blow was true and he didn’t even have time to scream before he burst aflame and turned to dust before our eyes.

  “Say hi to Jeff for me.” Hands now charred and blackened, Sally turned away from his ashes and handed the sword back to Sheila. Without breaking stride, she strolled over to my other side, a big grin still on her face.

  “Let me guess,” I whispered to her. “You enjoyed that?”

  “You have no idea.”

  In most movies, revenge ultimately leaves the hero feeling hollow and empty inside. Don’t believe the hype. Sometimes seeing an asshole get what they deserve feels mighty tasty indeed.

  “Justice is served,” Alex decreed. “As I was saying, you may leave now with your friends unharmed and unhindered. If you continue to press the matter, however...”

  The threat hung in the air between them for several seconds.

  “Oh fuck, did I miss it? I wanted to see you guys kill...” Tom’s words faltered as he pushed his way to the front of the crowd and laid eyes on Christy. “Oh shit!”

  Smoke still pouring from the gash in his chest, he dropped to her side and began cradling her head. “Oh shit!” he repeated. “Babe, wake up! It’s me.”

  Sheila gritted her teeth as she continued to glare at Alex, but then she looked down at Tom and then at Christy’s battered form. With an air of resignation, she sheathed her sword and gave a single nod.

  Alex had won.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Ed joined us a few seconds later, following in Tom’s footsteps. He threw Sally and me a grateful nod, but then joined the others by Christy’s side.

  “The ... anomaly will come with me,” Alex said upon seeing him.

  “What?” I replied. “Fuck that. He’s...”

  “One of us now, or so I am led to believe. His life now belongs to the First, to be judged by our laws accordingly.”

  Ed stood back up. “Fuck that shit.”

  “SILENCE, CHILD!!”

  The compulsion was nothing compared to what Alex could normally do – something barely said out of the corner of his mouth, but more than enough to control a vampire of Ed’s age, a normal vampire anyway.

  “And I repeat, go fuck yourself.”

  Gaius made to step past Alex, no doubt intent on a beat down for the whelp who dared talk back. I readied myself to tear his fucking head off, but Alex merely held out an arm, blocking his way.

  “Curious,” Alex said, sounding more bemused than put out. He took a long breath through his nose, then added, “Not a Freewill, at least not like any I have seen before. No, something else.” He turned to a few of the nearby soldier vamps standing guard. “Bring him.”

  This was bad. Sheila couldn’t do anything to stop him, not without our friends being sentenced to death. And with Christy out of action, so too ended our plans for her spell.

  There was nothing we could do, save hope to live to fight another day once our thirty-day protection was up. It was like back when I was first turned into a vampire, except one-third the length.

  Wait!

  Back when I was first turned ... something about that was niggling at the far corners of my mind. It took me several seconds of racking my brain, but then I realized what it was.

  It was a long shot, but maybe we still had a chance.

  “Where are you going?” Sally asked as I stepped away.

  “Oh, you know me. It's time to do something stupid.”

  “This should be entertaining.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I found Grulg encircled by several soldiers all pointing their weapons his way despite him being shackled. He looked worse for the wear, definitely not helped by the massive battle that had just been fought, but he was alive. Leading Alex here had been the key to his survival, we both knew that. But that was finished now, which meant soon he would be, too. After that, it was only a matter of time before Alex learned of my peace treaty with the Feet and had it declared null and void.

  That was, unless he was overruled.

  “Excuse me,” one of the guards asked, “what are you doing?”

  “Fulfilling a promise. Now, if you fuckers don’t mind, kindly BACK THE FUCK OFF!!”

  One of the benefits of being merged with Dr. Death, besides looking like a stud, was being able to throw out compulsions that rivaled Alex’s in power and definitely beat his in style.

  Vamps and humans alike in the immediate area all did as told, giving me some space to step in. The compulsion had the secondary effect of alerting everyone else in the cavern to what I was doing. Oh, well. If you were gonna do something idiotic, you might as well have an audience present.

  The crowd parted and I found Alex staring at me quizzically. “And you are doing what, pray tell?”

  It was show time. “As per the peace set forth in the Woods of Mourning between myself and ... Big C, leader of the Feet, I am freeing this unlawfully detained prisoner.”

  Hmm, that could have been more dramatic. Still, what came next, snapping Grulg’s chains, filled in any gaps my words might have left.

  Gan’s vial of blood hadn’t been the only secret discussed in the unnatural woods of Boston. Despite knowing he would be tortured, Grulg realized that Calibra needed to be destroyed. He’d agreed to help on the condition that we pretend to take him prisoner so that he would maintain his honor in his people’s eyes, whether or not he lived to return to them. I’d planned on acting on this much sooner, but none of us had foreseen getting separated from Alex so quickly.

  Of course, I also didn’t foresee what I was about to do next.

  I owed the big guy for all the beatings he’d had to endure, and now it was time to repay the debt.

  “Peace?” Alex asked. “No such offer was sanctioned by the First.”

  “Not yet,” I replied.

  “Oh?”

  Behind him, I saw Sally’s eyes open wide in realization of what was coming. She always was a smart cookie, that one.

  “I’ll make it official once I'm in charge,” I said. “Alexander of Macedon, I challenge you to fair combat for leadership of the First Coven.”

  Dueling Beat Downs

  From the look on Alex’s face, you’d have thought I’d declared myself King Dick and commanded everyone to get on their knees and start sucking.

  “Surely you must be joking.”

  “No joke, asshole.” I was already taking a boat ride down shit’s creek. Might as well toss my paddles overboard while I was at it. “You and me right here, right now. Winner becomes master of the Draculas.”

  That last one was meant to be salt in the wounds. I mean, the Dracs was their nickname amongst the rabble, but it was a nickname they were known to loathe. From what I’d been told, you didn't say it in their presence lest you wanted to end the day being vacuumed up.

  Alex was every bit as egomaniacal as the rest of his crew, maybe more so, but where I was concerned, he seemed to have an odd sense of humor. As a result, rather than racing forward with a roar of rage, he grinned. “You do realize, Freewill, that the First Coven has no master. We are equals, each having a say.”

  “Yeah, as I’m sure you realize that’s complete and utter bullshit. Tell me, who kept all those Freewill heads in their closet, locked away from the world?”

  His veneer of amusement faltered slightly. “I warn you, you are treading toward dangerous waters.”

  “That’s okay. I do a mean doggie paddle. And while we’re on the subject of heads, who’s going to ultimately be in charge of Sabrina the prehistoric witch’s noggin? Don’t tell me that’s going to be a group effort. From the looks on your buddies’ faces, they're all thinking she should be planted on a beac
h somewhere at high noon.”

  “Dr. Death,” James warned, but I ignored him. We were well past caution here. Even now, with pecs I could’ve bounced baseballs off of, I was mindful of how dangerous Alex was. Magic or not, he gave me more nightmares on any given day than Calibra did. Yet, here we were.

  All of my and my friends’ best plans had fizzled, leaving me with a choice – walk away, live to fight another day and leave the most potent weapon in the world in Alex’s hands, or do whatever I could to stop this asshole without putting my friends in additional danger. Hey, at the very least, they could return home with a good story about their buddy Bill’s last stand.

  Mind you, that wasn’t a particularly great comfort to me.

  “The rules of normal covens do not apply to the First,” Alex said. “Now, I say this one last time, stand down or I will have you put down permanently.”

  “Who is to say the rules of fair combat do not apply?” James suddenly asked. “Have not duels been fought in the past among us? Have not hopefuls fought to the death to secure a place in our ranks? While I cannot abide by the Freewill’s wish to be master of the masterless, or even to be a member of our esteemed number, I do think it is his right to challenge any of us to fair combat and for that challenge to be upheld honorably.”

  Yes! Just when I thought James had been effectively castrated, he’d jumped right back in. Even if Alex still held to his earlier decision, that James was a piece of shit until his identity could be proven, I could see the doubt worming its way not only through the rest of the Dracs, but many of the other vampires standing around, too. There was no way Alex could compel them all to forget, especially with a small group still protected by Christy’s spell. Turning me down or ordering me executed would be a serious loss of face to him. Though he probably didn’t have anything to worry about from anyone still left standing, that doubt would fester and eventually he would need to start watching his back.

  Either that, or kill everyone who...

  “The Wanderer speaks true,” Kathryn said. She took a step back from Alex, trying to look cool and detached, but not really fooling anyone. Yeah, the First Coven was a group of equals. My ass it was.

  Alex narrowed his eyes at James and, for a moment, I was afraid for my friend. However, then the calm demeanor returned to his face and he turned toward me. “So be it, Freewill. I had hoped to rule this world with you...”

  “By your side?”

  “As one of my subjects. However, I see that an example must be made. A pity – I had thought you different from your brethren. They, too, sadly thought themselves above our laws. Now you will join them in the annals of forgotten history.”

  “Heh, you said anal.”

  Even Grulg let out a pained sigh behind me. That’s the problem with supernatural terrors these days – no sense of humor.

  I turned to the big ape. “Any last minute advice?”

  He nodded. “Yes. Do not die, Freewill T’lunta.”

  Well, now that I had that going for me...

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Alex drew his sword. Fuck! He was going to be tough enough to beat unarmed, but now the odds were even less in my favor. I considered asking Sheila to borrow hers, but then I glanced over and saw Sally’s hands, still red and raw. Yeah, maybe not the best of ideas.

  Rather than immediately run me through, though, Alex tossed it to the side where it clattered uselessly against the ground. “I can think of no fairer combat than hand to hand,” he said. “Would you not agree?”

  And there it was again, that twisted sense of what vampires considered fair.

  Oh well, in for a penny...

  I raced forward, hoping Alex’s arrogance would render him unprepared for a frontal assault.

  There was arrogance at play here, all right, but apparently it was mine as he effortlessly parried my clumsy slash to his face. I threw another blow, missed, and found myself launched over his shoulder. I landed on my back and skidded to a stop at Sally’s feet.

  She looked down and sighed. “Got him right where you want him, champ.”

  “I don’t suppose you have any useful advice.”

  “Pretty much what Grulg already said.”

  “Thanks. You’re a real peach.”

  “If you wish to yield, Freewill,” Alex said from behind me, “I would suggest doing so now, while I am still in a forgiving mood.”

  The snickers from the crowd told me that so far I wasn’t exactly winning them over with my skill.

  I popped back to my feet and saw I wasn’t wrong. Minus the Jahabich, almost every being in the cavern had gathered and formed a wide circle around us. Holy shit, I even saw money exchanging hands. For Christ’s sake, we were battling to determine the fate of the fucking world and some people were trying to make a fast twenty.

  Sadly, my cheering section was in the minority. Most of my friends were – rightfully so – hovering over where Christy still lay. I could only express a silent hope she was okay and that, whatever happened to me, she and her baby would go on to lead long, boring lives.

  Alex, meanwhile, waved me over, Bruce Lee style. Physically, I was his match, maybe more so, but he made up for it with experience. I couldn’t hope to beat his skills, but maybe raw brute force could give me the edge. I just needed to time it right.

  I again rushed him, trying to use what little advantage my speed might have given me. In doing so, I managed to rip his shirt a little with one slash. Hey, that almost counted as a hit. He parried with an open palm strike to my solar plexus that knocked me into the waiting arms of the other Draculas – right where I'd been hoping to go. Sadly, it left me unable to do much more than drop to my knees, wheezing.

  Just like a fucking asshole to pull out a ninja nerve strike during a fistfight. Thankfully, my super-accelerated healing allowed me to get my wind back in record time. I leapt to my feet, braced myself to charge Alex again ... then turned back instead and grabbed the nearest Drac. Ah, it was Gaius, the troll-faced fucker. I couldn’t think of a more fitting donor to my cause.

  I caught him by surprise and, before he could mount a defense, dragged him to me. I didn’t have time for anything fancy like the classic neck chomp, so I just prepared to bite whatever body part was closest, which thankfully wasn’t his crotch.

  My teeth had just barely grazed the surface of his skin, however, when my forward momentum ceased. A hand, impossibly powerful, grabbed hold of my hair ... then sank its claws into the back of my skull for greater purchase and yanked me back.

  “No,” Alex said, all humor gone from his voice. “I will not allow that.”

  I was lifted high above his head and then, much as Calibra had done to Sheila, he brought me down across his knee, snapping a lot of bones I had otherwise grown rather fond of. It was as if an electric shock ran through my body and then my bottom half became completely numb.

  I rolled off his knee to the ground and he kicked me in the side, sending me tumbling toward the middle of our makeshift squared circle.

  Once again, my healing was up to par. It only took a second or two for my spinal cord to spontaneously reattach itself, sending a secondary jolt – equally as uncomfortable – through my body. Unfortunately, that was more than enough time for Alex to fall upon me.

  With a series of expertly placed slashes, he severed the ligaments of my arms and legs, rendering them useless meat logs. There was just no getting around it. Alex made even James look like an amateur by comparison. There was none of the clumsy fighting that other elder vampires did, relying only on their power to win a fight. He knew exactly what he was doing and where to hit to take me apart.

  Moving with both precision and speed, he flayed me alive while the cheers of the crowd increased to frenzied howls. He was the master of the First Coven, leader of all vampires, and now it was becoming painfully obvious why. I couldn’t help but think he’d been holding back during the battle with Calibra, letting her shoot her load before acting, letting th
e rest of us tire ourselves out while he remained fresh.

  Smart guy. Much smarter than me apparently.

  He parted skin and muscle while I could do nothing more than watch, re-crippling me every few seconds before I could heal. At last, in a spray of blood, my sternum was revealed. At that point, shock was setting in. Pain, blood loss, it was taking a toll on me, but in a way that left me feeling a bit detached. So I watched in fascination as he set to work carving it out of me.

  His goal became clear. He was going to gut me in front of the crowd, then pluck my heart right out of my chest like he was Mola fucking Ram, while I turned to ash beneath him.

  Kind of cool, I guess, if one were on the viewing end.

  “Fuck this shit!” Sally stepped from the crowd behind Alex, her big-ass gun back in hand. She raised it, took aim, and then there came a blur of motion as James appeared by her side. He disarmed her handily, gave her a single shake of his head, then dragged her back to the sidelines against her will.

  I threw him a smile, although I wasn’t certain if he saw it. Though I doubted Sally would see things his way, I appreciated what he was doing. He was saving her life. Things might be over for me. Alex might have secured supreme power for himself, but at least she would be alive, she and the rest of my friends.

  I had no way of knowing what kind of hell on Earth awaited them, but I had to think that together they stood a chance of surviving it.

  It was all I had left.

  “You fought well, Freewill,” Alex said, tearing the bony plate out of my chest. “Indeed, I am sorry things have come to this. Know that, despite everything, I was quite fond of you.”

  I opened my mouth to say something dignified, like how I was pretty sure he was fond of my cock, but a high-pitched scream drowned me out.

  Oddly enough, it wasn’t coming from me.

  Props to the Prophecy

  At first I thought the keening wail might be from one of my supporters, seeing as how I’d gotten my ass soundly beaten, but it seemed to be coming from everywhere and nowhere at once.