The Courage to Trust

by Cynthia Lynn Wall

  “In The Courage to Trust, Cynthia Wall helps us to discover the genuine source of much of our pain and the pain in our relationships and offers us simple, powerful ways to begin to heal it. This wise and beautifully written book is a blessing for every friend, every parent, every lover and every human being.”

  —Rachel Naomi Remen, MD, clinical professor of family and community medicine at the University of California, San Francisco, School of Medicine; medical director of the Commonweal Cancer Help Program; and author of Kitchen Table Wisdom and My Grandfather’s Blessings

  Publisher’s Note

  This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

  Copyright © 2004 by Cynthia Wall

  New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

  5674 Shattuck Avenue

  Oakland, CA 94609

  The excerpt from Emily Leider’s “Friends No More” was reprinted with permission from the author.

  Sascha Wagner’s poem was reprinted with permission from Alice J. Wisler/LARGO newsletter.

  Cover design by Amy Shoup

  Acquired by Melissa Kirk

  Edited by Brady Kahn

  Text design by Tracy Marie Carlson

  epub ISBN: 9781608823086

  Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

  All Rights Reserved

  New Harbinger Publications’ Web site address: www.newharbinger.com

  Contents

  Foreword

  Recognitions and Appreciations

  Introduction

  Chapter 1: What Is Trust?

  Chapter 2: Your Three Core Selves

  Chapter 3: Trust Is the Pathway to Intimacy

  Chapter 4: When You Feel Betrayed

  Chapter 5: How You Can Betray Another

  Chapter 6: How You Can Betray Yourself

  Chapter 7: Finding Your Trust Pattern

  Chapter 8: Building Trust with Others

  Chapter 9: The Hardest Decision: Go or Stay?

  Chapter 10: Trusting Yourself More Each Day

  Recommended Reading

  References

  Foreword

  The ability to trust provides the bedrock for emotional security and peace of mind. Being trustworthy is the foundation of personal integrity. Why is such an essential quality often so difficult to find and so easy to lose? Thankfully, within the pages of The Courage to Trust, author Cynthia Wall gives readers sound answers to that question. She also provides countless tools to help you embrace trust and strengthen your ability to be trustworthy.

  As a psychotherapist in private practice for over twenty-five years, I have worked with many clients who needed to establish or reestablish a sense of trust within themselves and in their lives in general. Many had been severely wounded by abuse, betrayal, and loss. However, even when spared such soul-searing experiences, many of us—myself included—still find ourselves growing into adulthood with only a tenuous and intermittent grasp on trust. Why is that?

  Trust is hard to come by because it is both learned and earned. As children, we are given mixed messages that confuse us. For instance, we’re expected to automatically trust people such as our parents, but they can let us down and even lie to us. When a child senses her mom is upset, asks what’s wrong, and is told, “Nothing!!! Now leave me alone ...” she will learn to doubt her own perceptions. She may also begin to believe something is wrong with her and that her feelings are flawed. As kids, we simply don’t have the emotional or intellectual experience to say, “Ah ha! Mother is not telling the truth right now in hopes of sparing me the pain of knowing she’s not happy today!” Because a child’s safety and security depend on the big people in their lives, it’s natural for them to trust adult perceptions over their own. And so begins the habit of mistrusting ourselves.

  As a mother of four adult children, I have a long list of things I wish I’d done differently and actually could do differently were I parenting now that I’m older and more experienced. I did the best I could at the time and, looking back, know that my best was sometimes lousy. Because of my own regrets and those shared by clients, I sincerely believe that most parents love and care for their children to the best of their abilities a vast majority of the time. Nonetheless, we’re all human and, out of ignorance and fear, we all make mistakes. One result of our own and others’ mistakes is learning not to trust anyone, neither ourselves nor others.

  Without trust, life is scary. Behind every experience lurks the fear of crisis, chaos, and calamity. How can we transform fear or act in spite of it? For me, the best way to keep fear from becoming a debilitating force in my life is to believe that I can survive whatever comes my way, learn from it, and move on to greater awareness. Believe me, there are times when I still run from fear, doubt myself, and assign blame to others rather than accepting responsibility. But many, many years of choosing to learn to trust—especially the art of self-trust—and consciously moving back into my heart, where trust resides, allows me to tame fear, regain equilibrium, and once again feel safe, secure, and confident.

  Contrary to what you may believe, first and foremost, it is essential to learn to trust your self. From the deep commitment not to betray, belittle, or undermine yourself—or if you do, move back to self-love and care immediately—can flow the certainty that there is one person you can always count on—yourself. That certainty will strip power from many of your fears. Knowing you are your own best friend and greatest emotional support helps you face the vicissitudes of life with aplomb and exuberantly embrace joy when it sings in your heart. However, you only have the power to assure your own trustworthiness. Everyone else is in charge of his or her trustworthiness.

  Because of our own emotional wounds, fears, and limiting or erroneous beliefs, we may be in the habit of trusting others unwisely or without thought. On the other hand, due to conscious or unconscious vulnerabilities and past betrayals, we may barricade our hearts and refuse to trust anyone no matter how trustworthy they may actually be. Neither pattern of behavior brings peace of mind nor solace of heart. Each sets us up for loneliness. Many of the exercises in The Courage to Trust are designed to help you uncover and heal the emotional triggers that impel you to trust impulsively or withhold trust altogether. Cynthia helps you learn self-trust and offers many ways in which you can allow others to earn your trust in them.

  Trust in ourselves and others gives us the courage and capability to create meaningful and lasting relationships. Over time, significant relationships will encompass devotion and disappointment, support and abandonment, joy and grief. Becoming a trustworthy friend to ourselves helps us choose relationships that are right for us and weather the times when even right relationships feel wrong. Being able to trust ourselves completely makes us better friends, lovers, parents, and acquaintances. I believe that we have a deep and holy hunger for sacred partnership in close relationships. Mutual trust must exist between participants in order for any relationship to become a sacred, cherished partnership.

  All of us will occasionally hurt or be hurt by others. Yes, we will experience loss again and again. No, we will not handle every encounter or experience with grace, confidence, and compassion. Yes, there will be times when we succumb to feeling overwhelmed. No, not all people are trustworthy. In spite of that, we can learn to love and trust ourselves and others. Granted, having the courage to incorporate trust into your heart takes commitment and persistence. But I truly believe if I can do it, you can too. As you move through the pr
ocess of befriending trust, please remember to be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to ask for and accept the support of friends, family, a therapist, along with this book. As with all desirable qualities, trust grows more easily in a nurturing climate than in a harsh, critical, or lonely environment.

  We are bright and beautiful beings who already have everything we need within us to return to trust. By choosing to, you can learn to trust, know intuitively who and what has earned your trust and, therefore, trust appropriately. And the wonderful news is you don’t have to do it alone. In my opinion, The Courage to Trust is a natural complement for both individual psychotherapy and personal growth groups. Circumstances or personality might make working alone best for you. Cynthia—a therapist herself—has provided a compassionate, insightful, and comprehensive guide to light the way. You will learn to embrace and express trust and, therefore, enhance the quality of your self-love, relationships, and life.

  —Sue Patton Thoele, author of The Courage to Be Yourself and Growing Hope

  Recognitions and Appreciations

  I always imagined that writing a book would be a lonely process. I was wrong. It has taken many people to make this book. With the wisdom I gained in a writing class taught by Ellen Bass and by reading many books that encourage new writers, I faced the empty page with a full heart.

  Sal Glynn, writing coach and book midwife, helped me understand how a book is formed. He guided me as I turned my ideas into words, the words into sentences, and the sentences into a book.

  The staff at New Harbinger Publications shines at being supportive and honest. They are the lifelines a new author needs. Melissa Kirk and Catharine Sutker believed in this project and kept me moving forward. Matt McKay championed The Courage to Trust by lending expertise and confidence. Brady Kahn is the magician called “copyeditor” who smoothed my manuscript into a cohesive book.

  Even though writing took me away from friends and family for months at a time, they all supported me with their enthusiasm for the project. Some signed on as readers, and others were willing to talk about their own experiences of trust and intimacy, which helped me express abstract ideas more authentically. Thanks to Alice Sanford, Ann Conner, Christine Samas, and Karin Gjording for your tender care.

  I discovered that many of my friends were secretly writing as well. We banded together and overcame the terror of sharing our work. Friends who are experienced writers taught me how to proceed when stuck and told me that the secret incantation for success was to “just keep writing.” Thanks to Kate Erickson, Annie Raitt, Christy Wagner, Theresa Whitehill, and Zida Borcich. I couldn’t have made this book without you.

  Marshall Rogers, my husband and truly a life partner, believed in me from the start. He never complained and insisted he was happy doing the cooking and cleaning while I worked at the keyboard. He is my proof that nearly perfect trust is possible.

  To everyone who asked about the book, told me it was important, prayed for me, and shared their stories, thank you. I express my total gratitude to the clients who’ve honored me for over twenty years with their trust. Without their stories of tremendous courage, I would never have seen the importance of this book.

  Introduction

  Knowing when and how to trust others isn’t easy. We enjoy the feelings of tenderness with people we respect and love. The shock of sudden betrayal or rejection causes a sense of belonging to suddenly disappear. The resulting pain and anxiety make us wonder if we’ll ever want to trust again.

  Trust is a factor in every interaction you have. You can be unaware of a conflict until your sense of trust is gone. A misunderstanding or a slight change in tone or mood can trigger a loss of trust. Fear and anger replace the feeling of belonging. You may pretend that everything is fine until the hard feelings fade or someone reaches out with warmth.

  You are not limited to feeling like a helpless child or an angry parent when you feel betrayed. This book addresses the mystery that underlies upsetting interactions in many kinds of relationships. You’ll be able to apply this book’s principles and tools in both your romantic partnerships and work, and whether you are with parents, children, friends, or coworkers. The goal of this book is to encourage communication that conveys mutual respect and understanding.

  This book is written to help anyone who’s afraid to trust. You will find support and guidance whether you feel you trust too little or believe you trust the wrong people too easily.

  Is It Ever Too Late to Learn to Trust?

  Do you worry that painful experiences you had as a child can limit your ability to trust as a grown-up? Take heart. Children don’t have the life experience to teach them that trust is more than a feeling that comes and goes under the control of other people. You have to be an adult before you can learn how to trust. Some people stay stuck in unhealthy patterns they learned as children, not knowing they can redesign the way they respond in difficult situations. You can learn to trust wisely.

  This book offers information to build your self-confidence and help you to overcome your barriers to trust and intimacy. Each chapter addresses key issues about trust, intimacy, and betrayal. You’ll begin by assessing your ability to trust yourself and others. As you move through the book, you’ll gain specific information, and find exercises that help you do the following things:

  Increase your trust in yourself and your faith in a positive future.

  Identify your three core selves—the Child, the Protector, and the Adult—and their needs.

  Create intimacy by increasing mutual trust and understanding.

  Recognize when you overreact to felt betrayals and limit their power to undermine your self-worth.

  Acknowledge how you can betray others and how to undo the damage.

  End the cycle of self-betrayal that undermines the confidence to ask for what you want.

  Speak with compassionate honesty about the hurts you want to heal with another.

  Recognize when a relationship has too little trust and how to assess if it’s time to go.

  Nurture the qualities that increase your own trustworthiness.

  To trust is a choice you can make, and it is based on skills you can learn. Increasing your ability to trust is possible at any age, regardless of childhood history. The only way to increase your confidence is to practice certain skills and do whatever it takes to achieve the level of trust and intimacy you want. We all need courage to trust.

  How to Get the Most from This Book

  Track your progress by keeping a journal as you read along. Self-tests will give you a direct understanding of what is limiting your confidence in trusting yourself and others.

  Go back to complete these questionnaires again as often as you wish to measure your progress. You can use the book’s tools and exercises to work on real-life issues and enhance your ability to sort out misunderstandings and hurt feelings. You’ll feel your self-reliance grow more quickly if you practice these skills in your daily life.

  You may have a specific concern or an immediate need to focus on one topic. Although this book is designed to be read from start to finish, I encourage you to seek out any specific topics that will help you meet your challenges with the confidence that courage will bring.

  Chapter 1

  What Is Trust?

  Why does it take courage to trust?

  No one is born knowing how to trust. Life gives us many teachers, some caring and others cruel. Few people receive a solid base of trust as children. Even fewer are taught how to trust themselves. Regardless of the lessons we each received, we only learned about trust as children. We need to learn how to trust as adults.

  We are not condemned by the limitations of our initial experiences. The ability to escape fears learned early on grows by challenging them. Trust is more than a mental state or feeling we can’t control. Trust is a skill to be learned and a choice to be made. It is a gift to be shared with those who appreciate its importance.

  Trust is also fragile and must be handled with great car
e. Careless words and impulsive actions can easily damage trust. Some decide early in life to seldom trust anyone, hiding their authentic self away from any possibility of rejection or betrayal. This is a safe but limited path.

  This book encourages you to explore another path, one of learning how to trust wisely. Wisdom comes from taking the risk to reach out and trust others, while you know that you are likely to make some mistakes. This is where courage comes into play. Once you accept that you can learn from your mistakes, you'll find that trust in yourself will begin to grow.

  Why It Takes Courage to Trust

  It takes courage to confide in others. When you let down your guard in the hopes of a compassionate response, you take the risk that others may criticize you. With an unexpected shift of the emotional current, the door of tenderness is shut, and support transforms to attack. It’s as if the oxygen was pulled from the room.

  Ambivalence about trusting is based on the instinctive knowledge that no emotional state is guaranteed to last forever. If your caregivers were able to love and treasure you, an internal sense of safety was planted like a healthy seed. However, loss or betrayal at any time of life makes it difficult to develop or maintain an inner sense of confidence. Any traumatic event occurring in the first few years of life makes it harder to expand trust in others or yourself. Fear and uncertainty may persist as you grow. If the world seems filled with potential dangers, you will be tempted to limit how vulnerable you dare to be.

  Confronting these limits takes deliberate and brave efforts. Those who had relatively painless childhoods will find that even the most trusted people can fail them. Friends and lovers get drunk and say stupid, unkind things. Lust runs over commitment. Employers make bad decisions and go bankrupt, costing you your job or future plans. Selfish desires often dominate promises made to others. People, animals, and dreams all eventually die.