The Courage to Trust

by Cynthia Lynn Wall

  Scoring: Add up your scores in each of the four categories. Rank your Protector’s responses to stress from most common to least common response for you.

  In your journal:

  There are no good or bad patterns. Just note what yours are in your journal. Reflect on times in the past when you may have reacted differently from how you do now. There may be situations where you have responded in another way. What was different about the situation, your emotional state? Were the stakes higher? Were they lower?

  Example: I often saw anger lead to violence when I was a child. As a result, I made a choice to never get angry. Now I can admit I am angry, but don’t act it out. I shut down and freeze up. It’s better now; I can unfreeze more quickly and admit out loud, to myself first, when I am hurt and angry. My current order of reaction: 1. Freeze; 2. Flight; 3. Faint; 4. Fight.

  Complete this self-questionnaire again when you have finished reading this book. You may find that your ranking is similar, but the intensity of your responses is more moderate. It is possible you’ll find your reactions have shifted to a different mode.

  The Protector responds the instant that the Child feels bad about him- or herself. It can’t assess if the cause makes sense or if the comforts it chooses are wise. That is the job of the Adult.

  Your Adult Can Grow Wiser Every Day

  It’s tempting when looking back on childhood to wish away foolish actions. Many of us still cringe when recalling a humiliating incident of youth. “If only I knew then what I know now!” This thought is a leftover from early messages of “act your age.” We only learn by trying new ideas and making mistakes. Confidence comes after mistakes are repeated with many variations over a long life.

  Your Adult self starts to develop in the early teen years. Independence from the original tiny circle of childhood offers a larger view of yourself and what you can dare to try. New insights and ideas allow you to challenge the self-doubt you were taught by any mean-spirited and small-minded people in your childhood. Parents can’t stay your primary source of safety and belonging. As a teenager, you are just now capable of deciding whether or not someone feels trustworthy.

  Adult qualities begin to show up in the late teens and you start practicing them in your early twenties. You get to make some bad choices and learn from them. Wanting to be wise and successful, you explore theories and seek teachers who point in those directions. With adult thinking comes self-confidence.

  Qualities that indicate a high self-confidence and mature thinking are

  empathy and compassion, eventually including those who have hurt you

  forgiveness for yourself and others; releasing past pain and shame

  taking responsibility for what happens in your life by recognizing cause and effect

  accepting that there are many sides to every story; wanting to hear others’ perceptions

  the ability to release bad habits and walk away from people who can harm you

  recognizing that you can survive and learn from difficult times

  No one can ever perfect these qualities. Accepting that you and others aren’t perfect comes as we grow older and wiser. If your early life was filled with self-destruction, it is important to know that it is never too late to start working on self-confidence and mature thinking.

  Some people don’t seem interested in being competent adults. They reject responsibility and cling to childish self-interest. Their Protector is constantly on duty. These adult children will defend self-destructive habits and frequently rage at those they believe are victimizing them. There is little chance they’ll develop trust or faith, or have others trust them.

  Strengthening the Adult

  The Adult holds the courage to act in spite of feeling anxious or uncertain. This is the face you present to the world. The Adult plans and sets goals, reads self-help books, goes to work, talks thoughtfully with friends, and pays the bills. This is the socialized self who looks for meaning in life and strives to not take things too personally.

  Your Adult is the inventor and guardian of your life’s choices. Faith-based philosophies view this self as the part of you that can link to your “higher self,” or a higher power. The Adult is able to develop real faith. After being shattered by failure or betrayal, your adult works hard to pick up the pieces and eventually try again. Sharon Salzberg highlights the Adult capacity to believe in your “immense potential, and to be free of the habits of anguish and fear” (2002, 10).

  One measure of a strong Adult is emotional resilience. This supports you in the face of uncertainty. You can trust yourself to do the right thing and learn from mistakes. To get an idea of how emotionally resilient you are, try the following questionnaire, adapted from an article by Danielle Palmer (2003):

  Self-Discovery Questionnaire: How Well Do You Handle Uncertainty and Rejection?

  This questionnaire will help you identify how quickly your Adult self responds with resilience to perceived rejection or uncertainly.

  In your journal:

  It is perfectly natural for everyone to have an initial wave or reactivity from the Child or Protector selves with a major shock or perceived rejection. Note the scores you give yourself, from 0 to 5: zero describes a low ability to tolerate the described experience, 5 shows a high degree of Adult influence to offer a resilient and larger perspective.

  When under pressure and deadlines, do you deliberately seek techniques to help keep you calm and thinking clearly?

  Do you identify obstacles or unpredictable changes as challenges, seeking creative outcomes?

  In a tight or scary situations, do you believe that help is likely to come?

  In stressful situations, do you feel excited and confident, knowing that you’ll rise to the challenge?

  When you make an honest mistake, do you deliberately work to release the self-anger, or focus instead on how to learn from your misjudgment?

  In tight situations, are youable to focus on the challenge, avoiding distraction or negative thoughts?

  When you fell the need to stand up for yourself and what you believe, are you confident you’ll speak your truth?

  Are you willing to take on new or challenging opportunities, even though stressful?

  When life gives you hardship and pressure, do you work to release tension and hope for positive resolution, or do you obsess on negative or threatening possibilities?

  When you don’t know what to do, are you able to reach out to others, even enjoying asking for guidance and support?

  Scoring: Add up your numbers and compare to the following assessment for the Adult’s resiliency. What you are measuring here is the ability of your adult self to step in and influence your behavior and thoughts after the initial shock or surprise has passed, or when the pressure continues.

  39 to 50_You seek a bigger picture, using internal and external resources to find positive outcomes.

  26 to 38_Although you handle difficult situations, stress and self-doubts may linger longer than is productive.

  10 to 25_You may get stuck in unsafe or unhealthy situations, seeing only the problem, feeling inadequate to seek resolution.

  Keep note of this score in your journal so you can take the questionnaire again as you gain resiliency. No one gets a perfect score—it is more meaningful to acknowledge where your confidence and resilience are currently strong or need more support. Your Adult self does best when it knows what problems to address. If your score seems especially low, perhaps you were hard on yourself. Try again on a day when you are feeling more confident. Ask a trusted friend to answer the questionnaire and discuss his or her responses together. Should you continue to feel troubled by your answers, talk it over with a counselor or minister.

  When the Selves Split Apart

  It happens in an instant. You’re feeling warm and confident. Then there is a sudden shift in a conversation. You feel a shiver of fear, and tenderness is replaced with tension. If the distance is bridged with a quick apology or explanation, you put your sensibiliti
es back in proper order. You can take a full breath again, and you begin to relax your guard.

  The three selves are put on alert when there is no mollifying response to calm your fear. You might try to sort it out by asking the other person, “What just happened? Are we okay?” The Adult wants a rational response to bridge the gap. The Child is quaking and your voice may reveal it.

  Should you not feel safe enough to ask, or there is no response, you are left with reviewing what happened alone. You are likely to find yourself teetering between being angry and wondering what you did wrong. Thoughts and feelings come fast and contradict each other. There is a danger of overreacting. This is because your three selves are out of balance, and the Adult is no longer in charge.

  “Why Was I So Childish and Mean?”

  Twenty-two-year old Judy and her older sister, Penny, were opening presents on Christmas morning, along with some family friends. The girls’ parents had been killed in an auto accident two years before, and they were trying to re-create a new sense of family. Christmas morning had always been a favorite tradition, everyone trying to surprise and outdo each other with different gifts, and Judy was excited to share a happy time with her sister again. She’d worked hard to get Penny the perfect present.

  Judy described what happened that morning with now fading embarrassment: “Penny opened her gift and was delighted. I just knew that Penny had bought me the new computer I needed for my graphics class. A big box had been camouflaged by smaller packages under the tree for a couple of days. It was just the right size. But when I went to unwrap the box, it weighed next to nothing. It couldn’t be a computer, and I dropped it in shock. I screamed right in Penny’s face, ‘I hate you! How could you do this to me?’ I burst into tears, and ran into the bathroom and locked the door. I sobbed and raged, and even threw things. I stayed there for half an hour, refusing to listen to Penny or our friends.

  “When I finally emerged, Penny was crying, and our friends were distant. Penny had ordered me a special computer and it hadn’t come in time, so she had put the brochure in a computer box along with high-end graphics software. I spoiled Christmas. I couldn’t eat or pull out of the depression. Our friends left early, not saying much. Penny and I hugged. She said she understood and forgave me, but I got sick every time I thought about it. I know now my reaction was mainly about Mom and Dad not being there, and I guess my little kid inside was scared to feel them gone. But it terrified me that I got so mean and hateful. I’d never done anything like that before!

  “At first, I hated myself and wanted to die. Then, with Penny’s loving encouragement, I talked it through. I saw that my Child had built up hopes for a perfect Christmas to avoid the sadness of missing Mom and Dad. My Adult was trying to hold it together, but my little kid felt so betrayed, I lost control. My Protector got me away from the grief by focusing on anger. I easily forgave Penny, as well as our friends for not being able to stay. It took me longer to forgive myself. I called our friends that same night and explained why I reacted the way I did. They were great. They said that hearing the whole story helped them understand and trust me again.”

  Splits like this occur within us almost every day. Most fade quickly, but when the Adult cannot reassure the Child quickly enough, the Protector steps in to make the pain go away. We feel a small slight as a stab in the heart. We can obsess that we’ve blown an entire relationship with a thoughtless comment. Fear and rage are the hallmarks of the Child and Protector, and they counterbalance the Adult’s ability to hold onto trust.

  We are remarkably adept at hiding these splits from one another, appearing to shrug off the hurt and fear. However, inside we are fuming or berating ourselves. It takes skill and patience to invite the Adult back into control.

  Putting the Adult Back in Charge

  New skills are needed to increase your emotional resiliency and return responsibility to your Adult. Once you learn to calm your Child rather than to overreact in situations, your Protector will adapt and embrace positive defenses.

  The Trust Check-In skill reassures and calms both your Protector and Child. This template will guide you in exploring the feelings that currently cause confusion. You can then gently reassert the Adult back into leadership. You’ll start to see healthy options to problems and find the courage to speak honestly about what you want to happen.

  When Something’s Not Right

  You know when something’s not right in a relationship. The clues are that your mind won’t stop badgering you and your emotions are swinging wildly. Self-doubt often makes it difficult to talk with someone else, so you are left to brood or try to talk yourself out of being upset. The doubt leads to anxiety or anger, sometimes expressed in an unfortunate manner.

  This means that you’ve lost trust with yourself or another. The Trust Check-In helps you sort out the problem and decide if there is anything you want to do or say.

  First Foundation Skill: The Trust Check-In

  Read the following all the way through before beginning this exercise. There’s an example at the end to give you more direction. Once you’ve gone through this process a few times, you can complete it in less than twenty minutes—even less for minor incidents. Take your time at first, and give yourself at least a half hour. Have your journal nearby.

  Step 1. Feel and name upsetting emotions. Recall a recent incident where you felt split and unable to keep your emotional balance. It might have started with an interaction with someone, or you may have experienced sudden anxiety or a flashback. Close your eyes and recall the whole story. See it as if you were there right now.

  Feel every physical sensation that arises. Don’t block the hard ones. Let your body remind you of the discomfort you felt at the time. Stomach tight? Heart beating fast? Are you holding your breath? Inviting the sensations to wash over you releases much of their power and control.

  Name out loud the emotions that go with the sensations. Essential emotions are anger, sadness, fear, guilt, and shame. Ask for each in turn. Start with “I am angry at [myself, them] because ...” “I am sad that ...” Then follow with fear, guilt, and shame. Feel and say whatever comes up. If you are afraid to feel anger, slow down and ask gently, “If I did feel anger, it would be at ... because ...”

  In your journal:

  Step 2. Write down all your feelings. Please take this important step. Feelings will retain power until you write them down. You’ll diminish their sway by writing out your responses.

  Honor the Child’s feelings: Complete either of these sentences as many times as you need. “My Child self is ... [or] I am feeling ...” Imagine if you had an actual child sitting with you. Wouldn’t you encourage the child to talk about what is bothering him or her? Child selves get scared beyond reason and tend to recall minor incidents with exaggerated shame. They want the pain to stop and everyone to like them again. Write down the feelings in about four sentences. Be gentle. Pause for two deep breaths, then turn your attention to the Protector.

  Ask what the Protector has to say, listening without censorship: Here comes the anger, wanting to minimize your part or make it all the other’s fault. Fight, flight, freeze, or faint? What does the Protector want to do to stop your Child’s pain? Is it criticizing you for getting into a mess again? Let it flow. Write hard and fast, reliving those feelings. You need to know what is boiling up inside in order to return to your Adult. Pause, breathe. Let the calm settle over you, and then open to your Adult.

  Invite the Adult’s view: Look for the faith, a larger perspective: “This, too, shall pass. I will take responsibility for my part and consider what happened to the other(s). If the relationship is damaged, I can handle it. I will do what I can and have faith we both will be okay.”

  Step 3. Write a short letter to the Child and the Protector from the viewpoint of your Adult. You will ease the Adult back in charge by speaking from this position. The Child wants everything to be okay again, and the Protector just wants you to be safe. Your Adult knows healing may take some time, a
nd it might be best to create space, even if this is upsetting to the Child. Ideas and suggestions will surface only after the fear, anger, and despair have been fully explored. Breathe.

  Example:

  Kelly was in a training session for elementary school teachers. It included a simple art project as an exercise. She became violently anxious when she started to draw, and told the instructor that she was feeling ill so she could leave the session. “I know the problem was emotional because I was fine the instant I got home. Something to do with the drawing forced me to leave. I was enjoying myself up until that moment.”

  Kelly said that she liked to draw as a child, but admitted, “I never pursued doing more art. I just didn’t have the discipline.” Still, the intensity of her anxiety was compelling enough to seek out the reason for it. She used the Trust Check-In, listening for the voices of her Child and Protector, asking, “What made me so scared about drawing?”

  Kelly remembered that she had more than a passing interest in art. Her parents had given her real art supplies for her eighth birthday, and then for her ninth had enrolled her in a drawing class for advanced students. At age ten she made her very best drawing, using a book of anatomy and models. “It was of two dancers wearing ballet slippers and little else. When my mother saw the drawing, she nearly choked, and tore it out of my sketch book.” Her mother took it to their priest, who deemed it to be bordering on sinful and not a good path for a young girl. The result was that Kelly was pulled from the class. Despite her pleas, Kelly was banned from the class, and her art supplies were burned.

  Her mother believed she had to stop Kelly from drawing to save her very soul. Controlling parenting became the model for Kelly’s protector. “It was the Protector who didn’t let me draw again, even when I was an adult.” The Protector was locked in with her ten-year-old self, and prevented the risk of Kelly being so shamed ever again.