The Courage to Trust

by Cynthia Lynn Wall

  Example 2: M promised to repay a loan, but kept delaying. She sent me an e-mail a week after the deadline, saying she only had half together and asking what I wanted her to do. I sent a scathing reply, with a list of her flaky habits. It triggered an e-mailed avalanche of stored irritations on both sides. I wish I had waited a day at least, and talked it over in person or by telephone. E-mail is way too instantaneous!

  Step 2. Imagine if the other person in each scenario had sent a note offering space and time from the Adult’s perspective. Note the sentiments that would have made you feel safe and respected.

  Imaginary note from R (left in mailbox or e-mailed): I blew it with the car. Excuses are available upon request. You are important to me, and I promise I will listen to what you have to say, even if you yell. I want to make it right with the car, including an excellent detailing job, but don’t want to invade your space until you are ready to see my sorry face.

  Imaginary response from M: Your e-mail hurt, but guess I deserved it. I understand your anger with me, and am working nonstop to get the money together. I’ll drop what I have together in the mail today, and will continue until it is all paid back. I appreciate the loan. I’d like to earn your trust back, but know it can’t happen overnight. It’s your call. Let me know if we can talk on the telephone or in person.

  Step 3. Consider past situations where you were the one who blew it. Disregard any judgments in how the other person handled it at the time. In your journal, write a note to them about each incident. Offer them space and acknowledge your role. Make sure it removes the pressure to be nice. The note works best if short, clear, and not about your needs.

  Take 100 Percent of the Responsibility

  It may seem counterintuitive to build honesty and trust by taking 100 percent of the responsibility for what happened. The logic is in the application. Taking responsibility frees you from shame and helplessness, and you can focus on resolving problems that you can do something about.

  Examine your own intentions and behavior whenever you have been involved in a betrayal. You don’t have to figure out other people’s psychological issues. It’s a big enough job to do it for yourself, and greatly simplifies the healing that can be done. You may learn to enjoy not having to be right all the time, and this speeds up the healing process.

  Self-Discovery Exercise: The Joy of Being Wrong

  This exercise is a way to dispel much of the confusion created when you are defensive. The goal is to embrace how right other people are in what they believe. Switch places to experience an upsetting incident from another’s point of view.

  Read through the entire process before starting. The exercise should take no more than thirty minutes and is best done all at once.

  In your journal:

  Step 1. Recall and note an incident where you acted badly by your own definition. Note what you did, and how you tried to minimize it. Did you make a quick apology and move on but not really resolve anything? Did you end up feeling so guilty that the other person had to take care of you? Did you deny the other person’s hurt feelings as being silly or “too sensitive”?

  Examples:

  I teased my child in front of her friends.

  I laughed at a coworker, later realizing I’d probably hurt his feelings.

  I revealed a secret about a friend, and she found out.

  I forgot a task that made my spouse’s day difficult, then blamed him for not reminding me.

  I flirted with a cute girl, then denied it was a big deal when my girlfriend got mad.

  Step 2. Close your eyes and step into the experience as if it were a dream. See the experience from the betrayed person’s perspective: sit where the other person sat, be in the other person’s body, and feel his or her hurt. Listen to yourself from that perspective. Let your empathy grow as you invite that person’s discomforts to rise up. Trace any pain by placing your hands on your body where you sense it. What would that person’s Child be feeling? How might the Protector want to numb his or her pain? Avoid making excuses for the incident that started this.

  Step 3. Write down how wrong you were to act that way from the other person’s viewpoint. Use whatever words come to mind. Ask from the other’s perspective, “What do I want to hear from the one who hurt me?”

  Step 4. Take your original position and imagine saying to the person you hurt, “I’m very sorry. I was lost in myself and acted badly toward you. You didn’t deserve it. You are absolutely right. I am totally wrong. What do you need from me to know that I understand and am sorry that I hurt you?”

  Warning: It is meaningless to say, “I’m sorry if you felt I was ...” even in fantasy. You either validate the other person’s perceptions, or you don’t. The joy comes when you find that you can survive being wrong, and that the other person can feel good about you. The cycle of hurt and blame is stopped.

  Step 5. Move back into the position of the one who felt betrayed. How would it feel to hear these words of acknowledgment, rather than defensive remarks? What would you ask for? What would you need to let go of the pain? Write down any brilliant ideas and save them for the next time you hurt someone and need to apologize.

  Should You Tell?

  Your first consideration in answering this question is the well-being of others involved. Would it cause more problems if you confess to something the other person doesn’t know about? Talk it over with a discreet friend or counselor. Honest discussions can help you explore your motivation for the betrayal and help you decide whether to share it and how you might cope with the aftermath.

  If you choose to speak to the one you have betrayed, the other person is not obligated to listen. Admitting your carelessness and offering amends can help you feel better. However, apologizing does not mean you’ll automatically be forgiven. A break in trust can’t be healed simply because you feel bad and are committed to changing your behavior.

  Rebuilding Lost Trust and Intimacy

  No process can guarantee forgiveness or the regaining of lost intimacy, but acknowledging and listening can encourage such miracles.

  Those who feel betrayed will control how much lost trust and intimacy can be rebuilt. Even if the break in trust seemed minor to you, it may have recalled a much bigger betrayal from the other person’s past, one that he or she cannot easily release.

  Some people appear to be forgiving, but won’t participate at the level you need to feel trusting and trusted. Observe how those who feel betrayed work through the aftermath. You took responsibility, gave them space, and made the amends they requested. That doesn’t mean they’ll ever trust you again. Accepting their rejection is the last amend you need to make.

  Betraying others is a part of being human. Accepting it as a universal experience can help you accept your guilt and have compassion for your own suffering. It’s never easy to “just let it go.” Keep using the processes in this book, and you’ll soon be able to accept your mistakes as a necessary part of reclaiming your authentic self.

  Preparing for the Next Chapter

  The next chapter identifies your own habits and attitudes that hurt you. You’ll have the opportunity to change old beliefs and make new commitments to yourself. Learning when it is necessary to put yourself first increases your self-trust and gives you the confidence to embrace the future.

  Chapter 6

  How You Can Betray Yourself

  Why do I break so many promises to myself?

  The person you need to trust first is yourself. No one can be as consistently supportive of you as you can learn to be. Being kind to yourself increases self-confidence and lessens your need for approval. Loving and caring for yourself not only increases self-trust, it also deepens your connection with others.

  You can build self-esteem by focusing on meeting your own needs first. Many try to practice this but are afraid of being seen as selfish. In fact, self-reliant people have the patience and energy to support those they care about.

  This chapter will help you recognize the habits and b
eliefs that undermine your efforts to achieve self-reliance. From there, you can choose new behaviors that will increase your emotional resiliency and self-esteem.

  How Well Do You Treat Yourself?

  Try this quick assessment of how well you treat yourself. Do you

  tend to break resolutions that would make you healthier and happier?

  delay your own plans for the convenience of other people?

  worry about problems more than you actively seek solutions?

  talk negatively to and about yourself?

  keep adding to your “to do” list, but don’t reduce expectations in other areas?

  spend your money carelessly?

  endanger yourself through a self-destructive habit?

  delay getting emotional or medical help until in crisis?

  procrastinate to the point that it creates chaos in your life or work?

  dwell on your mistakes and judge yourself more harshly than you would a friend?

  A yes answer to these questions shows low self-reliance. When you do these things, you are breaking promises to yourself and ignoring your needs. Friends would feel betrayed if you treated them the same way. You can decide to become a better friend to yourself. Learning to like and care for yourself may be the most important step to take in your journey to deep and lasting relationships with others.

  Forms of Self-Betrayal

  Some common traps that undermine self-trust and confidence are believing you are flawed; being overly responsible; low self-esteem appearing as self-doubt; and self-destructive habits.

  Believing You Are Flawed

  Most people struggle at times with the fear that there is something deeply flawed within them. Recognizing this is a common belief doesn’t mean it disappears, but the fear does begin to fade once you confront it.

  You no longer need to think of yourself as a bad person struggling to be good. Your Adult self has probably tried to cast off your self-criticism many times. Yet whenever you make a mistake, you see how much of your impossible expectations still hang on. It is easy to recognize by the sudden reemergence of hateful self-talk from the Protector.

  Adults who grew up with constant criticism often believed they deserved it. Their Protectors continue to exaggerate perceived faults and minimize good qualities. These adults may seek out or tolerate people who berate them. And even those who had a mixture of praise and criticism can still hold some concerns about not being as wonderful as they should be.

  Consider how it might have been if your parents and teachers had always encouraged you to do these things:

  Love yourself and others for our innate goodness.

  Acknowledge yourself for who you are and what you can do.

  Dream big dreams, and know that failure is only possible if you don’t try.

  Have confidence in your abilities and learn from your mistakes.

  Like the way you look and learn ways to enhance your beauty.

  Do things in your own style and try new ideas.

  Trust your instincts, feelings, and observations.

  Refuse to tolerate abuse of any kind from anyone.

  How do you feel reading this list? If you feel sad, be gentle with yourself. You can learn to encourage yourself in just these ways. The following exercise looks at the early experiences that may have stopped you from accepting yourself as you are. Doing this exercise can relieve the self-hate that has demoralized you for years.

  Self-Discovery Exercise: When Did You First Try to Be Perfect?

  In this writing exercise, you’ll explore the first time you wanted to be perfect, how it felt, and what you learned from it. This exercise will take up to fifteen minutes. Write for as long or as short a time as you wish.

  In your journal:

  Step 1. Recall your earliest memory of believing you were imperfect. Use these questions to write a brief summary: Who made you feel that way and how? What did you do to try to be “good enough” afterward? Did you throw yourself into the task? With what success? Did you decide you were a hopeless case? What did that produce in you? What can you see as an adult that you couldn’t understand at the time?

  Bill’s example: I was the youngest of six children, and my elderly parents had no time for me. I idolized my brother, who was older by six years, and tried to be just like him. I guess it was awkward having a little kid following him around when he was adjusting to being a teen. He told me I was retarded and to stop hanging around. I was crushed and decided I must be stupid, so I stopped trying to be a good kid. I settled for C grades, started smoking cigarettes at age ten, and said I didn’t care about my future. I feel sad that I focused on the message that I was weird and unwanted. I can see now that I also got the same message from my parents. Teachers and other kids around me tried to reach out and help. It’s hard now not to think I was stupid for believing it. I also recognize that I wanted to be great, and that’s what made me choose my cool brother to copy.

  Step 2. Write a letter to your younger self. Use language that makes sense to the age of your Child. Explain and commiserate with him or her about feeling imperfect. Recall what was terrific about you at that age. What good qualities did you fail to recognize or did you hide away from critical eyes? Were you embarrassed about being noticed for admirable qualities? This letter exults in the unique human being you were then and are still.

  Perfectionism is a habit your Child learned in self-defense. The cost of this habit is the freedom to let things unfold in their own time. We feel panic when things don’t go as we planned and irritation when others don’t do what we want. Trying to be perfect separates us from those we love. Lose the need to be right, and you gain the right to be loved.

  Being Overly Responsible

  The fear of being considered selfish can push us into enmeshment. Those who sacrifice their own happiness for the needs of others suffocate their own self-expression. This results in resentment toward those you help while you can’t see a way out of taking care of them.

  Exuberance and self-interest are born into every one of us. The following experiences destroy these natural instincts by making a child overly responsible:

  parents who were helpless due to illness or addiction

  denial of hobbies or new clothes because they limited your siblings’ or parents’ wants

  pressure to be constantly useful: “Mommy needs you. You don’t have time to play”

  abuse by caretakers, who then were self-absorbed in guilt or blamed you

  Growing up like this teaches children to be overly responsible and to tolerate adult levels of stress. Surviving these experiences is an achievement. You may require therapy or group support to reject the aftermath of shame and unhealthy guilt. Overly responsible adults can feel like children pretending to be grown-ups, despite their competence, as the following story illustrates.

  “I Was Pretending to Be an Adult”

  When Jeff was twenty-four, he sought hypnotherapy to overcome an odd phobia: he couldn’t sign his name in front of anyone. He had recently been promoted to manager of his department in a manufacturing firm. He had to sign for deliveries, and he created a logjam by insisting on reviewing each one alone in his office. He was too ashamed to admit his phobia and knew he’d soon have to quit, or he would be fired.

  At his initial hypnotherapy session, the therapist explained that a phobia is often caused by an early, traumatic experience. By finding the original event, his present fear could be eliminated. Jeff closed his eyes and began to relax. He drifted back to when he learned to be afraid of signing his name, and he recalled how he hid this in previous jobs, high school, and grade school.

  Suddenly he saw himself at eight years old in a department store. He was laboriously filling out a check with people staring at him. “I can’t believe I forgot about that!” His father, a severe alcoholic, had taken him to the store and passed out drunk while trying to pay for their goods. The manager dragged his father to a nearby office. Jeff was left on his own, and he completed the chec
k, including signing his father’s name. He broke out in a nervous sweat, and his hands shook. Jeff had never done that before—what eight-year-old had? The shame reflected in the other shoppers’ comments was burned into his very being. “I was always taking care of him, pretending he was sick. I was the parent. My mom left us and she told me I had to take care of my father.”

  Jeff reframed his experience in two sessions and practiced signing his name with the therapist until he could do it at work. Jeff also decided it was time to dig deeper into how his past—having parents who expected him to be a caretaker—had affected him.

  Such powerful early training blends into an adulthood where it is automatic to worry about how others are faring and how they feel about you. It would be wonderful if this thinking magically ended at an appointed hour, and you’d be given a signal when you have taken care of others long enough. Then you could treat yourself as a real adult and put yourself first.

  The impulse toward self-sacrifice fades the moment you choose to question if it is still necessary. The following questionnaire will help you assess where you might be sacrificing your own needs out of anxiety about the well-being and needs of others.

  Self-Discovery Questionnaire: Are You Overly Responsible?

  To help you uncover hidden beliefs or impulses, recall your reaction to a recent emotionally charged relationship problem, work stress, or family scene. Rank your identification with each statement using a scale of 0 to 5: 0 equals “Not me!” and 5 reveals a nearly perfect fit.

  __ I get very anxious if anyone is late or doesn’t show. I worry they’re in trouble.

  __ I can’t say no if someone wants my help, even if it takes hours out of my day.