The Courage to Trust

by Cynthia Lynn Wall

  Joan’s critical and demanding parents had formed Joan’s perception of herself, and she’d lived in terror that someone would find out about her terrible flaws. After talking with her pastor, she realized she'd been afraid for no reason. Joan accepted her pastor’s invitation to study. She learned that she didn’t have to accept any beliefs from her past if they didn't encourage her to be as loving and forgiving of herself as she tried to be with others.

  In the above story, Joan appeared to everyone to be a caring and responsible person with great faith, but the conversation with her pastor revealed how weaknesses within the three types of trust undermined her ability to have a healthy pattern of trust. Her self-trust was focused on keeping quiet and protecting herself from being discovered to be hopelessly flawed. Although she longed for real faith in a benevolent God and a positive future, she didn’t think she was worthy of blessings, no matter how hard she worked. She couldn’t trust others with revealing her authentic self, since she was certain they would reject her if they really knew her.

  Joan’s pattern is not that unusual. Many people guess at what “normal” should be. They believe they don’t have a cupful of the self-confidence that other people swim in. A fear of being rejected weakens the foundation of a healthy pattern of trust.

  If you’re like Joan, you may be afraid to reveal your true responses to life. Many of us contort our self-images to accommodate this irrational fear. This makes trust and intimacy a distant dream.

  Improving Your Pattern of Trust

  By consciously reinforcing the three types of trust, you’ll find you can build a more solid foundation for a healthy pattern of trust. This next exercise will help you assess where to focus time and energy in your quest to become more trusting.

  Self-Discovery Exercise: Where Do You Get Stuck?

  How do you react when you think that trust has broken down between you and someone you care about? Everyday occurrences like being stood up or a broken promise cause confusion in our closest relationships. The goal of this exercise is to discover where in the three types of trust you may be weak. This process will take about thirty minutes, and you can do it in stages or all at one time.

  In your journal:

  Choose a recent felt betrayal or misunderstanding and write about it. Read through the steps and the following example before picking up your pen.

  Step 1. Recall the event and how you felt when you were trying to understand it without knowing the other side of the story. Write a brief summary of what happened, including the thoughts and feelings that came up for you.

  Step 2. Can you see where you became stuck in the story? Where in your pattern of trust did you keep returning? To anger? Self-doubt? Confusion? Panic? How closely did your imagination and emotional responses match what you later learned was actually happening?

  Step 3. Look at what you’ve written so far. What stands out in terms of your trusting of yourself, others, and the future outcome? Where may you have lost your Adult’s perspective?

  Step 4. What light does this shed on an older, deeper trust issue that still affects your current pattern of trust? What early experiences taught you to feel and believe the way you do? Who in your past are you reminded of?

  Example:

  1. I forgot a lunch date with an old friend and we set another time after my abject apology, “my treat.” I confidently walked in five minutes early, and the hostess handed me this note: “I waited twenty minutes. I can’t believe you did this again!” I felt devastated that I had gotten it wrong again and left my friend a telephone message expressing my stupidity and shame.

  2. I believed she could never forgive me, that our ten-year friendship was lost. It took fifteen minutes to recognize I was overreacting. I sat quietly and asked, “What am I telling myself that is making me upset?” I saw how I feared she couldn’t understand or forgive me. From a place of invoked faith, it occurred to me to review our e-mails and I saw she was the one who got the time wrong. I felt no anger at her. I was just giddy that I was off the hook. She called later with her apology. We laughed about it and called each other the day of our next date to be sure we got it right.

  3. What I noticed about my strengths and weaknesses in the three types of trust was

  I am quick to believe I am in the wrong. It’s where I tend to feel stuck, “on the hook.”

  I didn’t trust her at first to understand and forgive me for a small mistake.

  It took me several minutes before I recalled there was a bigger view. I returned to my Adult by choosing to feel faith, and I remembered how important we are to each other.

  4. I see how forgiving I am of others’ mistakes, but I don’t trust they will forgive mine, or can recover from feeling betrayed as well as I do. I’d rather be wronged than be wrong. Being wrong in my family ended with ridicule. Mistakes were brought up years later, as “teasing,” and were always hanging over my head. In writing this, it occurred to me that my mother always felt too guilty. I must have tried to be “good” like my mom, so I worry about others’ feelings rather than my own.

  The experience of splitting into younger selves tells us we need to pay attention to the choices we make. You will return to a sense of wholeness by reviewing what stories you tell yourself. The reward is the expansion of your ability to love and trust.

  Some people face more of a challenge. Trust patterns that teeter on an absence of self-confidence and endless negativity require a thoughtful reexamination.

  Unhealthy Trust Patterns

  An unhealthy pattern of trust can lead you into stressful, sometimes dangerous relationships. You outwardly complain about the other person or situation but remain enmeshed. This focus on others allows you to deny your own problems and creates a self-defeating cycle that fosters distrust in yourself and almost everyone else.

  Is Your Pattern of Trust Unhealthy?

  Do you sometimes feel stuck in unhealthy patterns? Review the list below and note if you tend to fit into one of the patterns. Delight in any that you have permanently escaped.

  If your boss, partner, best friends, and children seem to take advantage of you, your distrust of others may be unconscious. You may be afraid to ask them for what you want out of fear that they will criticize you.

  If you stay in jobs, relationships, residences, or friendships that aren’t satisfying, you may lack trust in your own abilities and judgment.

  A lack of faith in a positive future can keep you from reaching for bigger dreams and healthier choices in comforts, work, and relationships.

  Unhealthy patterns are often caused by a history of loss or cruelty. Those who didn’t experience a tragedy can also feel adrift, not knowing who and how much to trust. Children who were overprotected may become adults who feel incapable of taking risks. They hang onto hopeless jobs, fear their own children’s anger, and tolerate disrespect from peers. They feel they have no choice but to stay with the people in their lives.

  Redesigning Your Pattern of Trust

  Building trust challenges childhood fears. Over time, you can take increasingly bigger risks and find freedom and faith. The following story tells of someone who completely changed her pattern of trust. She worked hard to reclaim self-trust and faith after years of trusting someone who failed her. She was able to build trust and intimacy in ways she never thought possible.

  “I Learned to Trust Myself”

  Josie was in her early fifties and had been married for thirty years. Her doctor referred her to a therapist after she suffered several panic attacks. “My husband, Don, and I moved to this small town two years ago to make a fresh start after he’d had an affair,” she told her therapist. “We decided to build our home, and I moved up to supervise construction. He kept an apartment in the city near his work, promising to visit every weekend. By the end of the first year, he was using the demands of his job as an excuse to stay away all but one weekend a month. On one of his rare visits, I found recent e-mails on Don’s computer from the woman he had promised to never se
e again. I confronted him, and he assured me it was over.

  “He apologized, insisting he hadn’t been unfaithful except for writing to her. He agreed to couples counseling, which I took as a sign he really wanted to work things out. The counselor supported the idea that he should look for work near our home and give up the apartment. He balked at the idea, and I began to have anxiety attacks. I feel totally trapped: I can’t stand the idea of being on my own, but I can’t trust him. I don't know what to do.”

  Josie initially described Don to her therapist as “a good person who made a mistake, whom I trust with my life. He’s a talented artist, helpful, good company, and great with money. I married him when I was just twenty-two. My mother told me to get married and not try to live alone. ‘The world is filled with hardship. Settle down and be safe,’ she said. Don seemed nice enough, so I didn’t date anyone else, and I felt safe having a husband. I was shy and training to be a teacher, which I didn’t really want to do. I always wanted children and thought I wouldn’t have to teach because I’d be a stay-at-home mom. Don told me the third year we were married that he didn’t want the responsibility of children, and I went along because he threatened to leave if I got pregnant.”

  She begged Don to spend more time in their new home. Josie was afraid he’d return to the affair or begin a new one. She was stuck wanting him to love her, to be faithful, and to move closer, but she knew unconsciously that she shouldn’t trust him. Her anxiety attacks were caused by her Adult self telling her she had to let him go, but that was too terrifying for her Child. “I can’t take care of this big house alone, and he’s the only family I have. I want to trust him. Why can’t I? What is wrong with me?”

  She saw how she had idealized Don as she looked deeper into their lives. He was marginally employed, had few friends, visited less and less, and demanded to have access to the money she had inherited.

  Josie was stuck in enmeshment, with no self-trust or faith. She was forcing herself to trust someone who betrayed her. She began to realize how capable she had become since living apart. She also saw Don was selfish and incapable of managing his own life, let alone hers. Josie grew less angry with Don as she needed him less. She had lied to herself in order to keep the structure of a marriage, but her deeper intuition had told her he was holding her back from a wonderful life.

  This brought her to the determination to build trust in herself before she decided about the marriage. Two years into therapy, she was employed at a job she loved, traveling on her own, taking fun classes, and making new friends. __ The day she took off her wedding ring and called an attorney was both terrifying and liberating. “I know what I want now, and I know I can handle what life brings.”

  You can promote self-awareness and self-confidence by being honest about how you feel, whether with others or in your private journal. Begin by asking yourself, “How free am I to be myself and show my true feelings and opinions around other people?”

  Self-Discovery Exercise: How Deep Is Your Trust for Others?

  This exercise will help you gain valuable information about your unconscious pattern of trust.

  In your journal:

  Draw two vertical lines, creating three columns. The first will hold names of people you know and the next two are for notes. Set aside at least twenty minutes. You can continue to add names as you wish.

  Column 1. Begin the list with people you frequently see. You will not be sharing this list with anyone. Include anyone you need to interact with, such as coworkers, neighbors, family members, as well as those whom you seek out either by habit or intentionally.

  Column 2. Using pure intuition, give a rating of 0 to 100 to note how relaxed and confident you feel with each person. This measures your trust with key people in your life. Be curious and don’t judge the first number that comes to mind. You are not indicting anyone as untrustworthy, and you can change the number as you go along. You are simply noting how free or cautious you feel with this person about revealing who you really are. This can include sharing creative ideas, big dreams, and politics. Every relationship has areas of discomfort or dissimilarity. Feeling comfortable with these limits doesn’t lower the number.

  Note: If doing this exercise makes you tense, take a breath, and ask yourself, “What rule am I breaking here?” Ask with the next breath, “Whose rule am I breaking?” Now is a good time to add to the first column, your parents, teachers, and ex-lovers who may no longer be in your life. How free did you feel to be authentic around them? Keep adding names to the first column and numbers to the second column without worrying about the outcome, and let your Child and Protector participate in the voting.

  Expand this list as you become more skilled. Are there customers, clients, or employees with whom you feel especially comfortable or guarded?

  Column 3. Look over the list of people and the ratings. Write down any qualities about each person that caused you to feel safer or more apprehensive. Are they younger, less experienced, or nonconfrontational? Are people who are self-confident easier or harder for you to trust? Do you feel you have to play a role with someone, being the “big sister,” being funny, or playing down how smart you are? To be encouraged to be your best is terrific. Acting as if you are something you don’t feel you are cuts into intimacy and mutual trust.

  Old stories have controlled your trust pattern. Now you can design your own by focusing on the positive stories that say you deserve respect and that others can be trusted.

  Pay attention to how you react each time you are out of balance. Ask yourself what would make you happier and more resilient. This will help identify the stories and feelings that lead to self-trust and a deeper faith in a positive future.

  Preparing for the Next Chapter

  Real trust in others is validated by long experience and serves to help us grow and expand our courage. Choosing to give and receive trust is an act of wisdom and emotional resilience. In the next chapter, you will be preparing to take the risk of revealing your authentic self.

  Review the exercises you’ve done in this chapter. This will guide you in taking the steps that lead to sharing your truth with those you want to trust even more.

  Chapter 8

  Building Trust with Others

  How can I develop more understanding and compassion?

  When you trust others, you no longer want to control them. You want to understand and support them and are able to ask for their understanding and support in return. You increase your capacity to listen to hard truths when you know you can survive, even thrive, if a relationship doesn’t turn out as you’d hoped. You can dare to be honest about who you are, and what you feel. Faith helps you open your heart even wider. It takes great effort to heal past hurts. Feeling safe to trust others is your reward.

  In chapter 4, you looked at past betrayals and how you could have handled them with greater skill. In this chapter, you will choose where you want to feel more belonging and intimacy. You’ll learn to prepare for and invite others into conversations that increase understanding and intimacy.

  You may wonder if it’s worth revealing your authentic self for the chance of greater trust and intimacy. Here are the results that make the risk worthwhile:

  Assumptions are cleared without the agony of mind reading and delay.

  Genuine apologies are exchanged without shame and punishment.

  Broken rules are addressed without rancor.

  Misunderstandings no longer cause that old panic that the relationship is over.

  Building Trust with Understanding

  Mutual understanding begins to grow the moment you choose to hear another’s truth and share yours. You no longer worry about what should have been said and what someone should feel.

  Every time you reveal your authentic self, you take a risk. However, you must do this to produce more understanding and connection. Still, the idea of exploring a conflict may make you nervous. Building more trust means releasing the tight grip that the Child and Protector have on your ability
to risk rejection.

  Making It Safe to Talk Things Over

  The tools in this chapter will put your Adult safely in charge. You’ll learn what you want to give and receive as you improve communication with someone else and increase mutual trust.

  Using the communication tools and techniques in this chapter may feel awkward at first. Unfortunately, very few of us witnessed a natural model of communication using compassion and fairness as guides. I encourage you to swallow any embarrassment and admit to your friend, coworker, or partner that you feel safer using these tools to ensure fairness.

  These strategies will help a worthwhile relationship move deeper into your circles of belonging. You might discover the relationship isn’t as durable as you’d hoped. This is just one of the fears that often keeps us from exploring conflicts in our relationships. The benefits of these explorations will far outweigh the costs, both now and in the future. This chapter helps you to face your fears head on.

  Preparing for More Understanding

  We all link giving bad news with hurting others and the possibility of rejection. The fear of making someone upset can cause anyone to regress in age. The Child appears and is terrified, followed by the Protector, who will numb us or make us afraid to speak.

  The Child’s fears will arise when you want to risk being more intimate or ask for a commitment. You wouldn’t dream of making a speech without preparing beforehand. Preparation is just as important when working on a challenging issue with someone you care about. Let’s start with choosing the right time.