The Importance of Timing
Timing isn’t everything, but it is important. Have you ever waited until the anxiety was so great that you couldn’t speak without bursting into tears or exploding in anger? You may have mentally rehearsed for days, then blurted out your whole message as he or she got into the car. What you wanted to say with dignity sounds overwrought and confusing, even to you.
Abrupt and intense scenes scare many people off from trying to resolve conflicts. Carefully prepare before talking about important issues. Methodical timing and a deliberate pace make hard conversations run smoother.
Preparing on Your Own
Practice on a small issue with someone with whom you feel quite safe. If there is a pressing issue and you feel ready, begin there. You’re learning a new skill, so be patient with yourself.
The following three tools can help you prepare for an important conversation. These tools can increase your compassion and confidence. As you read about and try out each tool, imagine you are addressing the same person and issue.
First Preparation Tool: Five Steps toward Honesty
These five steps will help you speak with honesty and compassion. They calm the Child’s fears and are best done in the following order:
Explore thoughts and feelings privately by writing down the reactions of the Child, Protector, and Adult.
Address past sources of strong feelings: childhood or a first-time experience.
Ask your Adult to assess the real and current danger or limits of the situation.
Identify and toss aside false assumptions.
If the risk seems worthwhile, break the ice by inviting a conversation.
You can use this tool to explore how you hide your true self from people you care about. The goal is to increase trust and understanding with people you like and with whom you want to feel closer.
In your journal:
Choose a person with whom you would like more intimacy or to explore a small conflict. Select something you haven’t revealed that would help this person know you better. Your likes and dislikes, pet peeves, dreams, and phobias are unique. If you think it could increase intimacy and trust if he or she shared something similar, you have a good topic. Write down the person, subject, and your fear about possible reactions in a sentence. Use the following questions (an expansion on the five steps above) to guide your thoughts. Write your responses as you consider each one. Read the example before you start.
On a scale of 1 (minor) to 10 (major), how much does your Child fear rejection or ridicule?
What story do you tell yourself that stops you from being honest?
Where might you have learned this? Name the specific incidents.
What’s your Adult’s worst-case scenario?
Could you handle that result? If no, choose another issue. Wait for “Yes, I can live with it.”
Has the number on your fear of rejection scale changed? What is it?
If you feel comfortable, arrange a time to meet, so you can tell the other person that you want to share something.
Example:
Megan is a forty-five-year-old single woman who is a full-time teacher. She has secretly dreamed of studying art in Paris. “I’ve saved the money to attend art school for a year, but I’ve not told my best friend, Lucy, who also teaches with me. I’m afraid she’ll feel abandoned and be devastated. My fear of rejection is 8. Lucy’s husband left her a year ago, and we visit or call almost every evening. I’m afraid of hurting her or making her mad. Where did I learn this? I moved back with my lonely, widowed mother after college, rather than go out on my own. Someone else’s pain always feels more important then my needs. Realistic scenario? Lucy is a terrific friend and we’d e-mail, or she could even visit! She’d probably be more hurt if I didn’t trust her to tell her my dream because I thought she’d deny me this joy. My fear is now about a 3 and falling fast. I’ll ask her to talk tomorrow night, telling her I have a dream I want to share.”
You can expand your skills later by using this tool on other relationships, or different issues with the same person. By doing this a few times on paper, you’ll learn to quickly go through the process mentally. For now, move on to the next tool, using the same person and issue you just addressed. If you choose someone else, go back to the first tool, and ask yourself the same questions.
Second Preparation Tool: The Yin-Yang of Understanding
We often waste time anticipating what someone else will say, ready to counter it with some brilliant counter argument. Speaking the truth and inviting others to say theirs is far more efficient. This second preparation tool focuses on the trust you want others to experience during an important exchange. Your commitment to trust will promote mutual understanding. The hurts that prolong distrust will fade after you both feel understood.
In your journal:
Draw a circle about six inches in diameter, and divide it in half using a yin-yang curve.
Step 1. On one side of the circle, write: “What do I want to (a) hear, (b) see, and (c) feel while sharing my truth?” Then sit quietly and consider your answers. Imagine seeing the person’s face and hearing his or her words and tone of voice. What facial expression are you hoping for? What physical sensations (relaxed, awake, tender, protected) do you want to feel? Write your responses.
Step 2. On the opposite side, write: “What do I want this person to (a) hear, (b) see, and (c) feel during our exchange?” Close your eyes and imagine him or her looking at you while listening to your voice. How do you wish this person to feel in his or her body? Write down what you saw and felt.
Step 3. Review what you’ve written with tender concern for your Child. Is it safer for your younger self, who was afraid to bring it up before? Does your Protector tell you that it can’t be this easy, it’s a trick? Calm their fears with kindness and honesty.
You’ll be amazed at how prepared you become using these two tools.
The third preparation tool polishes your presentation with a rehearsal. You will invoke faith to help you remember that everything turns out for the best.
Third Preparation Tool: Having Faith in a Positive Outcome
Close your eyes and keep your journal nearby. Visualize a time in the near future when the actual conversation could take place. Imagine what it would be like to stand in the background, calmly watching your prepared self and the other person you want to reconnect with. See yourselves together like characters in a play. Focus compassionate attention on the other person. Notice how he or she appears to be feeling and send positive thoughts and loving energy in his or her direction.
Focus in the same way on your future self. Notice how nervous, vulnerable, or close to tears your future self may be. Now step into the body of the other person and feel his or her sensations. What do you feel toward your future self from this position? What makes you want to trust or distrust? Slip out of the other person and take a breath, then slip into your future self again. What makes you want to have this conversation? Is there anything else you need to know before you enter the actual event?
In your journal:
Write down any insights about how to increase the feelings of safety and compassion between you. If, at the end of these exercises, you still don’t feel comfortable enough to invite contact, choose another person and run through the three preparation tools. You’ll find that you’ll eventually be able to use these tools effortlessly and without writing. However, writing down your responses in the beginning is the ticket to success.
Facing Your Fear of Rejection
The greatest barrier to approaching someone else is the fear of rejection. Many people stop themselves from talking by assuming it will make the problem worse. They don’t know how to begin.
Alexandra Sascha Wagner found her poet’s voice through the grief of losing her two children. Her poem touches deep into what matters most. She expresses the reason to face your fears of reaching out and being willing listen.
Did you know? When we truly listen to each
other, we are saying —I love you— (Wagner 1999)
The desire for deep connection is a natural instinct. This instinct was dimmed as we learned that if we did not agree, speaking up could bring rejection or punishment. Guessing what others were feeling was much safer, even when we were wrong. Making assumptions and hiding uncomfortable truths became habits.
These habits were intended to save us from rejection. We may not realize they are habits until we really want to know what someone else is thinking and feeling. Asking a straightforward question will feel awkward after years of practicing subterfuge. We are now faced with believing real answers and releasing the stories of unworthiness we’ve created.
Making Assumptions Causes Rejection
The Child wants to believe that when people say they love each other, they understand everything that each other wants, without the awkward process of revealing their secret stories. When a truth slips out and doesn’t match the Child’s assumptions, it feels like another betrayal because the truth challenges the certainty that existed moments before.
Don Miguel Ruiz expands on this idea, saying the biggest assumption that humans make is to believe “that everyone sees life the way we do.... And this is why we have a fear of being ourselves around others. Because we think everyone else will judge, victimize, abuse, and blame us as we do ourselves. So even before others have a chance to reject us, we have already rejected ourselves” (1997, 69).
By admitting that you can’t know what other people feel or want, you can break the assumption habit. Use the second foundation skill, Finding Out What You Want, (see chapter 4) with yourself, and then stretch your trust by sharing what you are thinking and what you want. The bravest step is inviting the other person to talk. Comparing each other’s stories may seem frightening at first, but it stops the assumptions that underlie old fears of rejection.
Breaking the Ice
Not knowing what is going to happen or what someone is thinking about you can create a tension and coldness between two people. Breathing becomes difficult, and yet you can’t quite say what is really the matter.
Stephen Covey describes understanding as the oxygen in the room of relationships (1988). Two people may want to talk things out, but they see each other holding back tears and rage. They’re both drowning in resentments born of assumptions. They feel safer being right and have given up being loved. Worse yet, they are afraid to be vulnerable. They need to break the ice.
How to Begin and What to Avoid
It’s scary to begin difficult conversations. Knowing how will give a great boost to your confidence. It’s just as important to avoid the overtures that sabotage the best intentions. Do not use the following phrases as your initial strategy. Imagine someone leaving them as messages on your answering machine and you’ll understand why. (You can imagine the voice tinged with irritation.)
These phrases come from the Protector. They terrify the Child self, which unleashes the Protector, who is ready to do battle.
“We need to talk.”
“We’ve got a problem.”
“How many times do I have to ask ...?”
“Why haven’t you ...?”
These next phrases come from the self-absorbed Child. They will create denial and irritation before you can hear the actual issues.
“I know you are angry with me” or “I don’t know why you are angry with me.”
“You don’t love me anymore. If you did, you wouldn’t have ...”
“Promise you won’t get mad.”
“I know you’re thinking ..., but you have no right to think that way.”
Do the phrases above reflect how you and a partner or associates tend to lead off discussions? Conversations that begin with these phrases quickly become fights and produce no understanding. They are barely disguised efforts to control another’s feelings and to avoid taking responsibility.
Respectful and Honest Invitations to Talk
The goal is to express yourself from the heart. If you are initially rebuffed, ask if you can contact them later. Imagine inviting someone to talk over a mutual concern. You want each of you to feel safe and ready to listen. Practice saying the following and imagine hearing them, and notice your Child’s response:
“We’ve had a misunderstanding, and I’d like to work to make it better.”
“I miss you and our trusting each other.”
“I really want to talk, but I’m feeling scared to make it worse. How about you?”
“Our relationship is important to me. What do you think we can do?”
“I’m feeling sad that we’ve lost our trust.”
“It’s been a while, and I don’t want to let our relationship slip away. What can I do to make you feel safe talking with me?”
“I sense something isn’t sitting well with you. Is it about us? If so, I’d like to hear it.”
“I’ve been thinking about what happened. I want to listen to what you have to say.”
These phrases have a deliberate softness, and they reveal vulnerability and the desire to connect. They invite the other to help set the tone and a time for your conversation.
A More Direct Approach
Sometimes you need to take a deep breath and dive into the issue. This approach works best when you believe the other person will trust your concern and appreciate your candor. This next group of phrases is more immediate and direct.
“I feel that we’re in conflict about.... I’d like to resolve it, how about you?”
“I have something important to say to you about.... Is now a good time for you to talk?”
“Are you angry or upset?” and if the answer is yes, then say, “Are you angry or upset at me?”
Notice how your Child responds in the following story.
“Are You Angry at Me?”
Mary was a receptionist at a public health office. She looked up from her desk one afternoon to see a red-faced fireman in uniform storm into the office. He pounded his fist on the counter and shouted, “Where is that damn doctor? And don’t try to protect him!”
Her first thought was to drop to the floor, but instead she stood, took a breath, and calmly asked, “Sir, are you angry?” “Yes!” came the answer. “Are you angry at me?” Flustered, the fireman spoke more quietly, “No, unless you are hiding that cowardly doctor who drove right past the bloody accident we were dealing with!” (He saw the county parking permit for a medical doctor on the car’s bumper.) Mary explained that she’d been there for three hours, and no doctor had come in or was scheduled to come in. “I understand why you are angry,” she said. “But please don’t take it out on me. I think it might have been the mental health division doctor who drove by.” She walked the fireman next door to the mental health office and asked the receptionist if the psychiatrist had come in, which he had. The fireman was grateful to Mary. His anger was acknowledged and he quickly calmed down.
Imagine having your teenager, spouse, or boss run up to you in a huff. Practice breathing and standing up bravely and asking, “Are you angry or upset?” Wait for the other person’s answer and follow with “Are you angry or upset with me?” Express real curiosity in your tone. Make it clear you won’t participate in the other person’s frustration. You are leading the way to understanding by hearing the answers.
Facing Those You Have Wronged
It’s hard to face people after you’ve broken trust or hurt them. Don’t cause them more suffering by making them initiate the conversation. You’ll bury any hopes for understanding or building trust under assumptions and stories. Keeping yourself and others in limbo will destroy trust more surely than admitting your guilt and remorse.
Get straight to the point. Use the “Five Steps toward Honesty” and “The Yin-Yang of Understanding” to prepare. Explain to your Child and Protector that you must acknowledge the problem, regardless of the outcome. Then try out one of these statements.
“I’m feeling very guilty about something. I owe you the truth.”
“I beh
aved badly and didn’t stop myself. You didn’t deserve it, and I take full responsibility.”
“There is something that I am scared to tell you. I’m afraid you’ll reject me, but I’d like you to listen all the way through. I’ll listen to you whenever you feel like talking about it.”
Relationships give us endless opportunities to hurt those we love, no matter how hard we try to avoid it. Being human guarantees this will happen. Do the work to prepare for a meeting. Break the ice and promise the other person you will listen to his or her assumptions and feelings without interruption or argument. Invite the other person to talk as quickly as you can.
Your compassion for the others’ pain will invite them to share even more deeply. You’ll both learn to listen to each other’s Child and appreciate the Protector. This is intimacy at its best.
Preparing for the Next Chapter
You’ve tried many methods of comforting your Child and calming the Protector to allow you to be more honest in your relationships. Chapter 9 is focused on facing the challenge of relationships that are losing ground in trust and intimacy.
Consider any relationships that you feel are beyond your courage and skills. You may need to move them further out of your circles of belonging. People who are dangerous to you or your dependents are not candidates for trust, no matter how much you want to understand and love them.
The techniques found in this book will fall short of helping you recover a relationship subjected to repeated betrayals. For that, I recommend you seek mediation or counseling together. Some people you care for are simply not trustworthy. They have problems that you can’t fix. The next chapter looks at deciding if you really want to salvage a damaged or seemingly hopeless relationship.
Chapter 9
The Hardest Decision: Go or Stay?
The Courage to Trust Page 12