How can I know when to say good-bye?
It takes two people to create a relationship and only one to end it. If you’re sacrificing your happiness to stay in any relationship, it’s time to uncover what’s stopping you from asking for more or deciding to leave. You have two logical, Adult-pleasing choices when a once vital relationship has become unhealthy or stale: rebuild the trust with honesty, or end your connection as kindly as possible. Unfortunately, many people choose to hang on for too long despite broken promises and general incompatibility.
This chapter explores reasons why you may hang on to painful relationships, and how to build the self-trust you’ll need if you decide it’s time to go.
Why Is Leaving So Hard?
Staying in a self-destructive situation keeps us lost in shame and self-doubt. Every day we awaken to the pain and ask ourselves, “Why don’t I leave?” Do any of these situations sound familiar?
staying in a stressful job where you try to please a critical supervisor or are afraid to desert your coworkers
conducting a love affair with someone who is married or refuses to make a commitment
being in one-sided relationships with dependent people
having friends who demand lots of your attention, resenting you if you say no
defending the qualities of a lover your friends dislike, despite your own unhappiness
keeping abuse secret, believing your partner won’t do it again, and that it’s proof he or she needs more love
hoping that a self-absorbed parent will someday respect you
The following exercise will help you reflect upon past or current experiences where you felt or feel unable to leave an unhappy situation. Exploring these memories may be painful, but it can help you address unmet needs and change any beliefs that caused you to feel trapped.
Self-Discovery Exercise: Do You Stay Too Long?
Allow plenty of time to remember details of situations and feelings about when you have stayed too long in situations or relationships. Writing down the important insights takes about thirty minutes.
In your journal:
Step 1. Write a sentence or two about past experiences where you felt stuck. (Hint: To jog your memory, you can use the list of situations described above.) Are you still emotionally torn?
Step 2. Reflect on current situations where you wonder if you should leave. Feel the hopes and fears that keep you from leaving. Do you trust your intuition to tell you if a situation is right for you? Do you trust your intuition when it says something is wrong? Write a sentence that captures the details of what’s happening and feelings that come up.
Step 3. Write down both the illogical and the practical reasons for staying in relationships where you felt stuck. Financial dependency, religious authority, and deep commitments can figure into this. Ask your Child and Protector to voice their concerns. Is your Adult telling you what you can do?
You can learn to listen to your Child with Adult compassion. Accept that your younger self may hang on to the slimmest of hopes that the situation will improve. It is the job of your Adult to nurture and protect your Child. This includes making a firm decision that you have given the situation a fair chance.
When Can You Say You’ve Tried Enough?
No one benefits by clinging to a relationship when the trust is gone. However, shared connections and occasional good times can hold us hostage in uncertainty. When leaving is the obvious choice, it still feels daunting to face the expected upheaval. It’s natural to wonder if it’s the right thing to do.
Most of us have tried “one more time” to salvage a hopeless relationship, long after recognizing how self-destructive it has become. Still, we eventually were able to break the spell or survive the rejection. These questions can linger after we’ve healed: “Why didn’t I walk away when I felt it was horrendous? What made me so afraid?”
Mira Kirshenbaum explains part of the dilemma in her book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. The choice to take care of ourselves by leaving is countered by thinking, “I’d better not make a decision until I see what’s best for everyone” (1996, 13). Both parties seldom see leaving as the “best choice.” Whoever starts the discussion will feel anxious and guilty, and the other will feel hurt and rejected. We delay the ending because the shock of separation is more frightening that the dull ache of disappointment.
When You Know It Is Over, But You Still Can’t Go
There comes a time when you know it’s over. Your unhappiness about the relationship is a constant theme in your life. You’ve convinced everyone you’re miserable and need to leave. Friends, family, and your therapist support your decision, yet cutting the connection remains impossible. Why is this so difficult?
Three cords bind us to difficult relationships: enmeshment, ambivalence, and fear of abandonment. Each is a form of emotional dependency. We rely on others for our sense of well-being and become unable to act on our own behalf. We believe we’re better off in the relationship, no matter how bad.
Enmeshment is created by basing your self-esteem on other people’s approval and affirmation. When you stay in a relationship mainly to please or take care of the other person, you’ve traded self-respect for being needed.
Ambivalence erodes confidence in the logical Adult self. Self-trust is sacrificed in order to feel loved, which makes being emotionally honest difficult.
Fear of abandonment is lodged so deeply in the Child self, it feels like dying to say good-bye. There is a lack of faith, which creates a terror of ending up alone.
You’re not limited to having just one of these three issues. Most of us have struggled with all of them. Explore your Child’s fears as you look at the issues one at time. This will help your Adult self acknowledge the support you need to make the difficult changes that will release you from unhealthy situations. Although romantic partnerships often dominate the topic of “go or stay,” the uncertainty about knowing the right thing to do can show up in any relationship.
Pay attention to your mind-body responses as you continue reading. Take note of how current friendships, work environments, and family patterns may reveal a tug-of-war within you. The tools and stories provided here are meant to help you decide to invest more energy trying to improve unsatisfying relationships.
The Secret Fear: You’re Unworthy of Real Love
What could stop you from prevailing over old fears? The answer stems back to a fear of being secretly flawed. You believe you’re not worthy to attract someone terrific, so you settle for what you have. What torments marvelous people into thinking they are unworthy of love? Consider this list of common childhood experiences:
secret sexual or physical abuse of any size or duration
ridicule by older siblings and bullies, disguised as “teasing”
abandonment or the death of your primary source of care and love
being told you were selfish if you had special needs, or conceited if you had talent
being told you were ugly or being shunned for wearing glasses, braces, or hand-me-downs
a visible difference that caused rejection, such as a different skin color or body size
diagnosis with a learning disability or segregation to a “special” class
comparisons to more scholarly siblings or being told you’re underachieving
taunts for early sexually development or being told you were sexually undesirable
frequent moves, never connecting for long with peers or teachers
your parent saying, “I wish I’d never had kids. I would leave this marriage if it weren’t for you.”
Self-Discovery Exercise: What Still Makes You Feel Unworthy
No one escapes childhood without feeling loss and shame. Even the popular kids had secret hurts and doubts.
In your journal:
Recall and write down insults from others and the awful things you have believed about yourself. You might laugh about it now, but if you spent your adolescence obsessed about your thighs or about wea
ring glasses or braces, include them.
Step 1. For ideas, refer to the list at the beginning of this chapter. List the names, incidents, and feelings they evoke. Include a current boss or friend who bullies you. What hurtful things do your partner, siblings, and parents say to you? Do they bring up painful history as “funny” stories?
Step 2. Circle those memories that still sting. Do you still think you’re too fat to find love, that you talk too fast, or you aren’t very smart? Do you still feel you are “damaged goods” from childhood abuse or are unlovable because your dad left when you were young?
Step 3. Refer to the memories that still have power; convert what people said into more positive, self-caring language. These honest statements will help you stop betraying yourself. Each one may point to something you really want to address. Bring it up in therapy, or share your story with those that you trust to listen with compassion.
Examples:
“I’m too fat to be loved” becomes the affirmation “I may be twenty pounds heavier than I want to be, but I love myself, and I am loved by many wonderful people.”
“No one could want me because I was raped” becomes the affirmation “My body is mine! I reclaim my sexuality and will share it only when it feels right for me.”
“I’m not as smart as my sister” becomes the affirmation “We are different. I choose to concentrate on my own talents and stop resenting and competing with my sister.”
Powerful negative thoughts survive if you never challenge them. They linger as vague feelings of inadequacy. These scars can stop you from walking away from current abusive or inadequate relationships. The charge will fade when you convert them into affirmations and claim them as your own.
The Sticky Web of Enmeshment
It’s difficult to leave people who have convinced you that they need you to live. Your intuition tells you it’s time to move on when conflicts arise and they say hateful things. You feel a sense of freedom in a precious moment of clarity. The dependent ones can sense this. They express remorse and beg you to stay, and promise that “things will be better,” but discussing your needs in the relationship threatens them.
When people are trapped in “learned helplessness” (Seligman 1998), they reject all suggestions of how to become more effective and independent. When pressed to seek help about the relationship, they insist they’re happy with the way things are. Conditions that promote this are
chronic depression
anxiety and severe phobias
hypochondria and physical ailments that are used as excuses
low self-esteem and no self-trust
chronic failure to keep jobs and friendships, never developing potential
addictions that undermine function and capacity for self-care
destructive personality disorders
People who can’t cope with the responsibilities of their lives don’t know what they feel beyond desperation, anger, and fear. They live in denial and refuse to seek help, and they are terrified of being left or controlled. They need someone to depend on but are afraid of genuine intimacy.
Escaping the Guilt of Enmeshment
Enmeshment is an unequal relationship. You become the parent of an adult who is afraid to grow up. The other person’s problems and inadequacies stand in the way of your goals and dreams. He or she is helpless, and you are competent. The other person may threaten suicide when faced with criticism or rejection, or he or she may act out violently. How can you leave someone who is ill or on the edge of self-destruction? Unhealthy guilt makes leaving very difficult.
Self-Discovery Exercise: Do You Seek Out People Who Need You?
This is a brief screening of your past and present relationships. Include all situations. The intention is to honestly assess if you have (or had) a magnetic attraction to situations where you feel obligated to put your own needs and goals aside. It will take about fifteen minutes to do.
In your journal:
Step 1. Many of us have had a history of relationships with dependent people. We stayed too long with lovers who had a horrible childhood or addictions, or our childhood friends were the sickly or shy “odd ones.” We heard, “I know I can depend on you!” more than most. Write down any relationships that come to mind, from elementary school to the present.
Step 2. Recall where you learned to do this and who your models were. Did you have parents who needed you to be the adult? Did you know more than you wanted to about your parents’ finances and personal problems, including sex life? Were you expected to keep others’ secrets and worried about other people being caught?
Step 3. Be honest and ask yourself if you still live this pattern. This includes volunteering more than you can afford, not charging full fees for your services, and trying to rescue family members and friends. Write down any relationship or situation where you feel enmeshed.
Step 4. Complete this sentence for each current enmeshed situation: “If I stopped _________________, I’m afraid that ___________ will __________.” Examples: “If I stopped doing the cooking and cleaning, I’m afraid that no one will do it.” “If I quit my job, I’m afraid that my coworkers will be burdened and the clients will suffer.”
You can have healthy and intimate relationships with people who have major challenges. People with physical, emotional, or financial struggles often have an independent spirit and do much of their own self-care. You are not enmeshed if there is mutual support and you both feel free to go or stay.
Sorting Out Ambivalence
Ambivalence is a tangle of two strong opposing emotions. You are torn by the intensity of going back and forth, as you feel the potency of each. Psychologist in the early twentieth century used the word “ambivalence” to help their patients identify the effects of having two mutually exclusive feelings at the same time: love and hate, fear and longing, and rage and lust. Relationship ambivalence is the result of problems that seem to improve but then reappear. You feel fabulous and confident about your communication one day, then anxious beyond tolerance the next. The foundation is shaky because one or both of you cannot make a real commitment to resolving conflicts or making positive changes.
A clear sense of yes or no about continuing the relationship is hidden by the fog of “maybe.” If you don’t make a decision as time moves on, you no longer trust your own feelings and stop asking for what you really want. You move between vague dissatisfaction and hoping things would be good again. Self-loathing and self-doubt replace the self-love and enthusiasm that marked the beginning of the relationship.
Fighting and making up are tolerated because they remind you of the early passion, and the truth spills out for a few hours. Later you realize that making any decision is better than passivity. That is the job for your Adult. To the Child, “positive change” is an oxymoron. “When in doubt, do nothing” might be the motto of the scared and helpless Child.
Challenging the Fear of Abandonment
Are you are staying in an unhappy situation because you emotionally collapse at the thought of separating? The thought of being alone raises fear of abandonment. You might also fear that you couldn’t tolerate the pain of the early phase of separation. This can be embarrassing to admit. As adults, we think we should be beyond the irrational need of having someone to be with. The following story illustrates how powerful this need can be.
“Afraid to Leave”
Denny’s marriage of nine years was a disaster. He was attractive and intelligent and a successful businessman in his thirties. No one understood why he put up with his wife’s verbal and financial abuse. He kept secret that she refused to have sex with him. She went out with other men on thinly disguised dates, laughing when he acted jealous. She pushed it so far as to have another man in their home, and Denny walked in on them. He finally demanded a divorce.
She refused to leave “her” home, and Denny had to move out. He lost twenty pounds after six weeks away from his wife and was on three antianxiety medications that failed to help him sleep. She re
fused to give him a divorce and said he was exaggerating the problem. They didn’t need therapy and could work things out “like we always have.” He was tempted to return to end the agony of separation, although he knew it would be a total betrayal of himself. He’d left her once before, two years into their marriage, after she’d had a flagrant affair. He promised himself that he wouldn’t go back this time, but that promise was wearing thin.
Denny’s doctor told him he would be hospitalized if he couldn’t sleep and eat. This was the incentive for his very first psychotherapy session. He couldn’t explain the compulsion to cling to his wife or why he couldn’t bring himself to go to a divorce attorney. His friends and doctor gave him constant support to stay away. “She’s poison,” they said.
The therapist asked in the session what he feared would happen if he really left her. Denny began to cry for the first time since the separation. Doubled in pain, he wailed, “I’m going to die.” His exclamation evoked this memory: “I can feel my stomach in a knot, and my mouth is so dry. I want to scream and run, but I can’t get out of bed. I keep thinking about a door being closed and I’m staring at it. Oh, I’m in the hospital! When I was three, they took out my appendix out. My parents had to leave me overnight, and I was alone in a big room. I thought they were never coming back when they closed the door.” The therapist asked the scared little boy what he was afraid of, when he thought they’d left him for good.
“My parents were always so loving, I know they didn’t want to leave me. I must have believed I was going to die.” Now he could see that his inability to leave was meant to guarantee survival for the Child, no matter what it cost the adult.
It may seem absurd that the fears of a three-year-old could determine how a thirty-five-year-old man should handle a wretched relationship. Yet we all have similar beliefs that were formed by powerful, early events. The mind-body connection is fiercely protective and will not easily let go of life. Denny began to consciously comfort and protect his Child, and this allowed him to let go of his marriage.
The Courage to Trust Page 13