by Elena Monroe
Suddenly, my body was edging with a different kind of tension. Tension that felt like guilt, remorse, and then something even worse when the animal in my head whispered: cheater.
I wasn’t delusional, I knew how to define cheating so explain to me why my entire body decided to judge me for being in this room with my girlfriends all because I was yearning for Birdy instead.
Bella looked at me dazed and slightly confused as I got up to leave, “Are you okay? Khaos?”
Panic attacks are normal for me. It doesn’t really matter how normal they are for you, everyone else doesn’t get used to them the same way.
They never know how to handle me when I panic. I try to have these moments in private, normally on bathroom or shower floors.
Explaining how I feel to girls I pay to be here wasn’t on top of my to-do list.
I put myself in danger almost daily and break more bones than the normal person so when the attack takes over it’s my own personal alarm system forcing me to slow down enough to reflect.
My chest was caving in, making it hard to take the kind of breaths I needed to when I finally made it down the trail to the adult treehouse I had made as my escape. It was rarely used but if I needed to think or wanted to be alone (rare, since I wouldn’t hold my own dick to pee if I didn’t have to) that’s where I always found myself.
My knees buckled and I stumbled to the ground, twisting to push my back against the tree. Crossing my wrists on top of my head I took shallow breaths that only induced more panic.
My entire body felt like it was fading fast, just breaking off into the wind and I would be swept away.
My lungs burned, my body shook, and my mind raced. This was chaos and I was crumbling.
Fishing my phone out, I called the only person I trusted with this information- Grimm.
As he picked up the phone at this ungodly hour, I could just feel the third degree coming when I blurted out, “I need help.”
The tears weren’t something I allowed without reason, but in this case I was at the mercy of my animal. I felt the sharp pain shoot down my spine as it got worse even with the breathing.
Worse, that’s new.
Grimm’s raw voice deluded with sleep spoke through the phone, “Okay, okay. Just relax. Happy thoughts…” I could hear him rustling around, probably trying to get some privacy.
He didn’t like letting people see him this way, that he cared more than you could tell with a glance.
All I could produce were harsh breaths with my phone on speaker balancing on my knee with my hands boxing my head in.
“What’s going on? I’m gonna come sit with you. Where are you?” His voice was softer, and I was sure it took a lot of effort on his part.
Still unable to make out words I managed to push out, “Orgy. I Can’t. I can’t do this anymore. Treehouse.”
If I wasn’t preoccupied, I would have been impressed with myself.
“Okay, hold tight. I’ll be there.” It goes without saying Grimm may be scary, but he was going to be an incredible dad once Daisy was old enough to find trouble.
Letting him hang up I tried to focus on the rocks at my feet as my body pulsed with too much conflict.
Most people would probably drive around until things get quiet enough. Hard to do when you avoid driving so you don’t hurt anyone again. I can’t do a round two with that kind of guilt. I already had to villainize her, justify it, and bury it with my lifestyle just to feel safe.
Safe from a dead girl, great.
Driving my fist into my leg, I was begging the panic to stop tangling with the noise. I’m pretty sure not stopping was a middle finger to the wetness trailing down my face.
Focusing on the pain of my fist against my thigh I waited for relief - Grimm.
I must have passed out or fallen asleep when I felt Grimm’s palm slapping my cheek, “Khaos? Hey, you good?”
Taking in a long inhale I quipped, “I’m sleeping outside, half naked, against a tree. What do you think?”
“And I’m here, not in my bed so spill it,” he damned, and my voice went hoarse.
You know it's serious when Grimm willingly sits his Gucci wrapped ass in the grass and dirt. He lowered down and leaned against the thick tree holding up my escape in the branches.
“I think I’m falling in love with someone…” The words slipped out so easily it’s like the panic attack I suffered dissolved all my doubts in thinking I wouldn’t feel this again after the blow in high school.
Grimm’s head twisted my way, “Like for real? Love? Not lust or whatever the fuck you call having this many friends with benefits?”
I gasped at the idea of him degrading them, even though it hadn’t occurred to me they all were glorified friends with benefits on payroll with the perk of me caring as much as I did. That was the problem though - I cared, a lot more than I should.
I was too invested to just call it quits now.
“Love like before… only leveled up. I don’t know how to pick between her and all of them.”
Grimm stood up, taking out his wallet, finding a quarter inside that he flipped around his fingers, “You know what I learned from Abigail? Love isn’t a choice. It chooses you, haunts you down, and drags you into another kind of cult. A kind of cult that is meant to protect the person you love. You can be Clave and still honor another membership.”
He was adding another level of choice to my already imploded ability to decide. It wasn’t just about Birdy and my alphabet but Clave and the rules too. There were so many choices no wonder my anxiety revolted like a teenage dirtbag.
Flipping the coin high into the air, he spoke again, “It’s instinctual, her or everything else. Pick.”
Catching the coin, I had already chosen, hell, I chose when I decided stalking her was more fun than being a boyfriend to everyone inside that house. I chose Birdy wholeheartedly and no one knew except myself and Grimm.
I was in love with Birdy and it was against the rules.
If only cleaning house and coming clean about what I do for a living was that easy. It wasn’t a coin toss or pick a hand, it was life or death.
Grimm was already walking back towards the house when he shouted into the night sky, “Okay, let’s kick some girls out!”
I got up with more motivation than I’ve had in days as Grimm was using my own tricks against me to force me into making a move.
Maybe this was karma for doing the same thing in his relationship.
Cowering behind him, I let him confront Kennedy sitting at the table with suspicious eyes and the same attitude she had been wearing for a while. She was mad at me, that much was clear, but why was still a mystery I was figuring out.
“You, you, you, you, blondie, and you. Contracts are terminated, severance pay will happen tomorrow when move out is expected. Thanks for playing.” His words sliced through the atmosphere I had spent my whole life building into the perfect amount of charm and fun. His shadow casted a large sense of darkness on my house.
Kennedy popped up at attention, “Well, can’t say it’s lovely seeing you reaper.”
Spoiler alert: Grimm and Kens, not a good mix. The only two people I trust with everything are oil and water. Don’t ask me who’s on top - it's a battle I don’t encourage.
Grimm’s hands landed on his hips after handpicking whoever he pointed to as his eyes dragged up landing on Kens, “Pleasure, as always, Kens. Don’t worry no one is kicking your clingy ass out.”
If we all had hot buttons then Grimm was Kennedy’s hot button, sizzling and coated in gasoline, off limits for Grimm to touch at all.
I’ve known Kens since middle school, but we only got really close every summer in high school. So close in fact I set her up with my best bro, Grimm. She would sneak out to the parties at Patmos and inspire bad decisions until that relationship crashed and burned.
She was the girl he stabbed in his sleep the night he started having night terrors.
Now it’s lethal to call her by her first name,
Talen, instead of being referred to by Kennedy or Kens which is short for her last name.
Talen Kennedy.
I heard the tone of her voice get higher, “Excuse me? Clingy? It’s called commitment and loyalty.”
“Okay, Talen, keep being loyal while I get rid of payroll. Something you should have done a long time ago if you were so ‘committed’ to being his friend.” Grimm was typing on his phone when I noticed Kennedy covering up the scar on her arm where the knife had sunk into her pale complexion making a scar so deep, she’d never forget it.
Looking towards me for answers, I shrugged letting Grimm start something I knew he’d make me finish. I couldn’t even commit to being behind what was happening as Grimm broke my alphabet down by at least ten. All I could manage was keeping my eyes low and my shoulders rolled while I took on their pain.
If it was for the best why did it hurt so much? Why didn’t anyone warn me that I was caring too much when I paid them so I didn’t have to care at all?
KHAOS
The house was quieter the next morning when I woke up on the couch. Sitting up, I saw Grimm still sleeping, he was probably running on whatever amount you get as a new parent.
I scanned to my right, noticing Kennedy perched on the coffee table with her legs pretzeled up and a knife in her hands. I shot up so fast I felt the head rush engulf my skull and my eyes get so wide I felt deranged, “Kennedy! What are you doing?!”
“We can’t keep running from our demons. We need to confront them. He’s the reason I don’t trust men, the reason this fucked up relationship with us works, the reason I don’t want to be with someone just to get hurt.” Her hand was grasping the knife with so much force I could see her knuckles turning white and her hand shaking.
Moving to the edge of the couch, I reached for her but not enough to put her on defense mode. She was staring at the sleeping monster with such intensity as I looked to my side watching his eyes peel open.
Scrubbing his face, he scooted to the edge of the couch, reaching to grab her hand and pushed the blade into his crisp white shirt. “I’m all for the healing process. Do what you gotta do, Talen, whatever helps you sleep at night.”
“Grimm,” I gritted my teeth hoping he’d come to his senses.
Their eyes were locked, and I was sure the room vanished around us because the energy was enough to get you fucked up if you breathed too much of it in.
Pushing himself into the knife I watched the tip threaten to break through the skin under his shirt, “See what she’s willing to do to heal, Khaos? What’s it going to take for you to grow up?”
The smallest amount of red bled into his white shirt that had me on the edge and torn between two people I cared about.
One healed from love and the other broken.
My mouth still opened, I challenged myself to stand up to everyone calling me immature for protecting myself first, being reckless second, and not being defined by love the way they so freely feel into it.
I was motherfucking perfect already and love had nothing to do with it.
Birdy wasn’t a fix all or way to end my fun everyone disapproved of, she’s so much more than that bullshit. She’s all the things we tell ourselves the universe controls like fate, destiny, karma, soul mates, and whatever else is written in stardust.
The feelings I had for Birdy were out of my control and meant more than simply making me fucking mature.
“Grow up or just be like all of you?” I bit off before I stood up staring down at Kennedy when I spouted off, “Go ahead and kill him. If I’m starting over then I’m only interested in keeping the authentic ones around, not the ones trying to change me.”
The knife fell from pressing into Grimm when he winced as he lifted his shirt showing off blood on his abs that he wiped with his fingers. “You think maturity is boring and that’s my fucking problem, Khaos. No one is trying to change you. It’s about having accountability. You can’t even hold yourself accountable for pushing her off a goddamn roof or for kicking out all these girls here.”
Grimm’s fingers reached out and Kennedy leaned back trying to get away from the blood. “You aren’t on payroll and you know too much so choose. Bullet or blood?”
I watched her mouth close around his fingers in this way that made me antsy like I was witnessing him directly violating Abigail when he was really just saving my best friend, even when she wanted to murder him.
He was insulting me and saving her like a douchebag know-it-all and that couldn’t have made me any madder. I hated feeling stupid and every time I was around my brothers, I felt stupid.
Kennedy knew as much as I did about the Clave and I didn’t even notice she needed saving if I wanted her to live. Grimm did, being a better friend than I was and that was my area of expertise.
Maybe that’s part of why I surrounded myself with people who would take the money to make me feel smart.
Storming my way upstairs, a party couldn’t have come at a better time. I needed an excuse to get high and drunk while not apologizing.
Apologizing is overrated. I prefer actions.
In my room, I tossed my clothes upside down looking for the one shirt I realized Birdy had in her possession. When I went to put on a fresh one, I got a whiff of myself, I needed a shower stat. All I could smell was beer, cereal, sweat, dirt and some grass (both kinds) stuck to my skin like glue.
My random Halloween party was turning into a farewell party that I didn’t like one bit. Still standing in my bathroom with a towel hanging low on my waist I watched how my tattoos shined against the moisture still coating me.
Finding whatever I could in the medicine cabinet, I placed it on the counter, crushing it under my toothpaste bottle. I was avoiding another panic attack, another incident with a Birdy where I’m on the edge of control and avoiding the pain in my chest that told me what I was doing was the right thing.
Once it was crushed enough, I lowered my nose and vacuumed it up before exhaling.
I stood up, looking into the mirror with the fake smile, the overdramatized personality, the parts that make people happy.
People, not myself.
“That’s how bad it’s gotten?” Grimm is a sneaky bastard; I hadn’t noticed him behind me and his voice felt like judgments I never expressed to any of them. Yet, all their opinions of me collide with my life daily.
“You medicate with prescriptions and believe you’re psychotic. I medicate with whatever is trendy. That’s how it’s always been so don’t act surprised.” Attitude is something I only ever pull with Vic but I was spiraling downward and it was going to hit everyone.
“Fuck, Khaos. I thought you were just crazy but this is worse.”
I rolled my eyes, pushing past him, opening a drawer next to my bed tossing onto it a ziplock of Clave pills in various shapes, enough eight balls to party for a few years, acid, pot - I was letting him see inside and he didn’t even buy a ticket or buy me dinner first.
My insides were harder than my exterior made up of a good time, insecurities, and commitment issues.
I felt like an imposter in my own life and nothing I did was making me suddenly feel more genuine, so I just leveled up. I became a better actor, I dove headfirst into harder drugs, and commitment stayed contracted with payroll.
“How about now? Even worse?” I gritted out hoping it felt like Kennedy’s blade.
“Do you think this is a game? Is this why those guys came to the office, over this shit? Is this about her? It was an accident, Khaos. She humiliated you and we would have all done the same thing.” Strained and worried, he was grasping at straws trying to understand my brand of crazy.
I wasn’t even sure Birdy was going to understand my brand of crazy if my best friend couldn’t.
Pulling up some boxer briefs, I turned around facing him, “You think this is just about her? The humiliation never stopped, Grimm, take a look around.”
His face was tense like I personally insulted him, but he said nothing. Instead, I kept fillin
g the silence, “I have a party to prepare for since you’ve kicked out my girlfriends. You know, with all of my fake friends since none of you will be there despite my glorious invites.”
A few days later…
Grimm hadn’t left yet... he was babysitting me and that didn’t sit well with me. Just like I’m sure seeing me in my red satin robe with feather trim didn’t sit well with him.
Not really for us.
“You’re hard to shake, huh?” I pulled almond milk from the fridge and did my usual Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe to pick which cereal won for me to eat today.
“Yep. Still here. Apparently, your ass needs some attention.”
I ignored his continued notion that I was a child running around with scissors. I was annoyed but eating the attention up because it was clear that he cared. I got it. I’m not an asshole. I just wanted to tweak the care to be exactly what I knew I needed, sans the babysitting vibe and add more touching.
I’d touch Grimm. He’s hot, but he doesn’t like touching.
Pulling out a starburst from the pocket on my robe without thinking, I tossed one to Grimm when his eyebrow shot up, “Is that your version of throwing punches?”
Actual laughter filled the kitchen in a house only filled with suitcases now. All the girls were making arrangements, but most of them had moved out already.
Grimm handled all the severance packages, contracts, and whatever else had to be done. I’m sure Vic did the leg work, he was the money man after all.
The party was tonight and getting rid of Grimm was going to be hard when he had set up camp in my interior. I wanted him to stay for more superficial reasons not because he was worried.
Kennedy pranced into the kitchen with her fingertips dusting his bare shoulder as she went by, “Still eat bacon and eggs every morning?”
My eyes shot between them as I jumped onto the countertop with my bowl of cereal in my hands. Kennedy and Grimm were getting along… like, peaceful with no guns, or bombs, or knives. “What in the actual fuck is going on here? She tried to kill you and you stabbed her in the arm. She’s still self-conscious of it by the way.”