by Elena Monroe
He dropped the pen and small pad in his hand, looking at me with some hope for the first time since I started giving him details. “We can use that. How much are you willing to help us here?”
Justice’s sharp tongue didn’t skip a beat, “Only for full immunity. She’s not going down with them because she stole some watches. She’s handing you the worst gangster in LA so you’re going to be nice, Rodriguez.”
I took a deep breath while I watched them spar like they knew each other better than I was aware of. Sitting at the island, I waited to be questioned and had to push down every self-preserving bone in my body that wanted to use my right to not say shit.
Rodriguez had me make a timeline of events on how bad things had escalated to admitting my part in it all.
Justice knew everything and Khaos wouldn’t even hear me out.
Excusing myself, I got up silently and headed for the bathroom with my phone in my hand. I knew the rules: give him space and don’t make it worse, but I had to do something.
I didn’t grow up with problems that weren’t solved with fists or a gun so when I pulled up his contact, I thought I was being mature when I wrote the longest text I had ever sent:
I know what you’re thinking, but I promise there’s so much more to this than you know.
I had to protect you and that meant keeping Dove satisfied enough to leave you alone. I got swept up in loving you and that information became the last thing I cared about.
I’m so sorry, Khaos.
Dove isn’t my stepdad or boyfriend, he’s the ruler of my life and in charge of the Clipped Wings. I’m at his mercy, no way out. I know you need time and I’ll give you every minute you deserve.
I’m going to fix this and maybe at the end of this you’ll forgive me.
I love you.
Only free with you, Birdy.
VIC
Khaos was the strongest person I knew, that’s why it was so easy to hate him.
He took everything in stride, nothing ever bothered him, darkness never seeped in deep enough to stain his happy-go-fucking-lucky attitude.
Not even pushing his girlfriend off a roof.
I wanted to be that kind of person who was so untouchable that he even swore off any bad juju but watching the strongest person I know break… it made me feel even more fragile.
The old me might have made popcorn.
Khaos slid down the wall, his hands blocking his face but not the sobs I could hear. Each one chipping away at my image of him.
I backed away from his meltdown unsure of what to do. I wasn’t the comforting one and I wasn’t close with Khaos making all of this a lot harder.
Out of nowhere, while I watched in horror, his tight fist banged against the hardwood floors like it would soothe him.
Khaos was in love.
Not building a new roster or crushing on Grace, he was in love and something happened that broke that and it broke him too.
Kneeling next to him, I swallowed the lump in my throat when I thought of losing Justice. These kinds of moments always make you put yourself in their shoes. “What happened?”
Khaos inhaled his tears and congestion, swiping his shirt down his face trying to clear away the fact that he was still crying. Unfolding a paper from his pocket, I saw a photo of Grace and well-known gangster, Dove Toledano, so close it looked like a kiss was coming next.
Fuck.
I wasn’t going to say I told you so out loud, but I was thinking it. Boyfriend, not stepdad.
“Go ahead. I know you’re dying to say I told you so,” his voice was horse and broken into sharp shards.
I had to fake not knowing what he meant when I looked at him confused, waiting for him to explain. His labored breaths had me worried enough after having surgery to retrieve a piece of glass that had flown into his chest. It only missed his heart by a few inches when they opened him up.
The told you so was really dampened by the reality: his heart was almost physically broken to match how he felt now.
Shrugging, I gave him the best performance I could knowing how committed he was to being his characters. Mumbling, “No idea, sorry man. I’m gonna call the guys and get some food over here.”
“I don’t need to be babysat. I’ve been taking care of myself just fucking fine.” Without telling myself my arms wrapped around him and pulled him close.
I focused on winning in the battle of strength even though I knew this hug was something he’d appreciate.
Little shit would get me to hug him one day.
The sobs came in another wave when I felt them stain the shoulder of my shirt as I patted his back, breaking us up. Getting up, I did text the guys, but all my efforts were focused on Grimm. Bowen wasn’t exactly the warm and fuzzy type…
ME: Where the fuck are you?! He’s crying and hugging me.
GRIMM: Grabbing his burritos and Mountain Dew, relax. Maybe the hugging can make you less… you.
ME: (middle finger emoji )
ME: Meeting at Khaos’s. Be here.
BOWEN: No thanks.
ME: He needs us. Full breakdown.
BOWEN: When I have a breakdown, don’t sell tickets, okay? It’s a private show.
BOWEN
I had to use maps driving to Khaos’s house- that's how little I had shown up for this guy. But we were brothers and when you say jump off the roof, we say when.
Well, okay, I probably don’t reply. You don’t need to threaten me with a good time when I’m already chasing death.
As soon as I walked in, I could smell angst in the air all radiating off Khaos who was disappearing into his couch while wedged between Grimm, the sympathetic, and Vic. I had no skin in this game, so I was honestly here to just drink in a different location.
Really shake things up.
Unnoticed, I made my way to a chair on the other side of the room, across from the car wreck (too soon?), already uncapping my liquor.
Listening to Khaos be mad one minute and a sobbing mess the next was something I wasn’t drunk enough for. I even brought a liter of Henny in tow knowing the last time I was forced to spend this much time with the guys shit got too real for me.
I liked one foot in the grave and one barely in the land of the living.
Like the child Khaos was trying to leave behind, he threw his phone against the wall probably forgetting I was here when it cracked behind me.
Looking to the side of the chair where it dropped in my personal space, I grabbed the now even more damaged phone reading the text he had just received to myself. The dumbass was too blinded by rage to see that she was apologizing- shit we don’t even know how to do.
That alone made her better than us.
Khaos was about to cry for the ninth time, ironic, since it felt like I was in the ninth ring of hell to have to witness this shit. There was only so much I could take before the drunkenness of my voice took over, spilling out without any trepidation.
Khaos whined some more with his face cradled in his own hands and forearms on his knees leaning over like he was physically dying. “She betrayed me… another girl I fell for, I’m cursed.”
My head fell back and I padded down my pockets for a blunt, he was sober now but I certainly fucking wasn’t. I needed something to dumb me down if I was going on this rollercoaster ride. With an eye roll, I placed the joint between my lips and took a deep inhale already feeling the placebo effect make Khaos fade into the background.
Vic ran his hand through his hair trying to muster up whatever maternal bone in his body he had to support Khaos in his downward fucking spiral. “Everything can be fixed...”
Wow, original.
Grimm chimed in like the fucking crutch he always has been for Khaos, “It’s gonna be fine. We’ve survived worse.”
Groaning from the seat across the living room I muttered into the air, “If you love it let it go and see if it’ll come back…” I couldn’t even hold back the laughter rolling up from the pit of my stomach when the room went quiet. “Oh,
I’m sorry I thought we were coming up with hallmark sayings to make this easier for him. No? Wrong time?”
Khaos’s stunned face twisted into a kind of anger I haven’t seen in years, not since he actually had to orchestrate a war. Now he just parties, oversees social media of the world, and hacks things - no anger required.
“What the fuck is your problem? Not everyone is heartless like you.”
Sitting up, I pursed my lips his direction and slanted my eyes, “You can do worse than heartless… come on, no we liked your twin better this time?” I let my insult hang in the air for a while knowing every time someone insulted me, they quickly regretted it.
Sitting up in the seat, I latched onto the anger of a lonely little boy who wanted to blame everyone but himself when the words fell out of my mouth full speed ahead, “So let’s recap tonight... you’re upset because you shoved your dick in all the wrong holes leading to Ethan going legit Fatal Attraction on your ass? Or, because you finally find a girl you like who doesn’t share every fucking detail of her life with you? You are taking that personally when I’m pretty sure even your dumbass knows better than to out you’re in the fucking Illuminati... I’m sorry, which is your type here? Normal or not? Do you want to be with Ethan because you can take that up with Grimm if he hasn’t killed him yet.”
Taking a swig from my bottle of Henny, I sat up further, teetering on the edge of the seat, trying to assess the room’s feelings when it was clear from Grimm’s wide eyes that he wanted to protect Bambi and Vic was mentally trying to figure out how to dip out on this conversation.
Khaos stayed quiet with his eyebrows heavy and his mouth gaping open like I had just split reality from his bullshit rose colored sunglasses that he always wore.
Reality is a bitch and it’s worse when you live in a dream world where nothing bad happens to you.
Grimm gave me a look, his irises on the trigger and whatever bullet he had in the chamber was aimed at me, only the gun was his mouth instead of the one in the band of his sweats. “Can you not be an asshole for once?”
No, can you stop protecting him like you can make up for not saving the right person?
Shifting my gaze at Khaos with his balled-up fists I continued, “She kept your fucking ass safe from a gang ready to kill you by lying and you’re sitting over here crying instead of keeping her safe. We lie every damn day to every fucking person we come across. Where is she now? Back with him? You didn’t even let her explain her side, you threw it across the room.”
I was pushing him to be an adult and he didn’t like it. No one forces Khaos to do anything and that’s why he’s not strong enough to cry by himself. We’ll all be there to clean up the mess for him.
“You don’t know shit. I killed Ethan, me, I cleaned up my own damn mess. She lies for a goddamn living. She was only with me because her fucking boss, boyfriend, stepdad combo told her to be. Nothing was real and I don’t need to hear the bullshit.” Khaos spat up his feelings like a bulimic chick who binged a little too hard.
What do I know, I only throw up hard truths and anxiety.
I wanted to roll my eyes so far back they wouldn’t roll forward again and I could go blind when I let my head hit the back of the chair. “You can’t be this stupid… it’s insulting. The Clipped Wings are a fucking gang. They clean their money through the gym I go to because they’re small time, even I know who they are, so don’t act like you don’t know the consequences of her not following through... She took a fucking bullet for you. You’re the one who chose to ignore the signs like an imbecile. She’s Clave now and your future wife. Whatever happens to her now is on you just like Genevieve.”
He looked ready to kill me and I couldn’t put my finger on him having the balls to do it or not. With a shrug, I waggled my eyebrows up and down teasing him to come get me.
His anger faded fast realizing I was right; she was Clave property now and his wife according to the contract she signed. She clearly loved him enough to do that and it took having the choice to hate her taken away before he could see that. Khaos was a child suffering from the indecision to grow up and only learned through withholding what he wanted. I wasn’t going to help him learn, I pushed him into the deep and shouted swim or die.
Why should his life be any different than ours?
“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. She’s part of the Clave now. She signed even though she knew the risk. If she’s with him... if he finds out there’s no way out for her that isn’t a body bag. Fuck,” his hands scrubbed his face like he’d be a new person if he could only rub the stupidity he was feeling off.
I had said enough. I was going back to the normalcy of drinking without the word vomit while he came up with some dramatic plan to win her back… even though she was never gone.
My eyes met Vic’s sly smile and I knew whatever was happening in her world right now was at our doing, our hands, and Khaos just needed to pick up the pace.
Getting up, his knees knocked over everything in his way and he almost fell onto Grimm when he walked right over to me, stealing the joint from my fingers, “I need to chill the fuck out. Where’s my phone?”
He was going to call her in a very unexpectedly less dramatic turn.
He announced he was going outside for some privacy when his house had over 18 bedrooms and multiple floors. We all stayed quiet except Grimm when he told him to be careful and reminded him he just had surgery like he had forgotten there was an ugly bandage stuck to his chest.
All this only made me think about Eve and that no matter what happens she is my responsibility. Whatever happens to her is on me. Taking a long swig of Henny, I debated killing her and calling myself a widow just to avoid having to be responsible for anyone but my own drunk ass.
KHAOS
Holding the shattered phone in my hand, I pressed the screen hoping it still recognized me when Grace’s text message appeared on the phone.
Her message pulled at every heart string Mayhem had and all of it turned Anchary on. That was the thing about Grace, no matter how much chaos ensued or swarmed around us, I wasn’t ever going to be turned off by her.
Love doesn’t care about faults, eventually you’ll love those too.
Love is a lot like pandemonium, always leads to a revolution and no one comes back from war the same.
I walked to the end of the driveway with a dull ache in my chest and a wound under my shirt covered by a bandage that felt foreign. I wasn’t going to let myself numb up all the feelings, so walking was my distraction, focusing on each step and my Birdy.
That paranoia I had for months vanished when Ethan confessed to following me and I felt it be left in the rear view when I yanked the camera off the gate that I had stuck there just to make myself sleep better at night. It was never Dove or the dark parts of Grace hunting me down as collateral damage, but my lovesick assistant who was jealous that I found love that wasn’t with him.
Now it just seemed stupid and my own fault for letting Dove think he can outpower who I am.
I lost sight of who I was, who Grace was, and got stuck on the idea that if I just ignored the world then I wouldn’t see how much it kept us apart.
Romeo and fucking Juliet.
Pressing the phone to my ear, I let the line ring as I fiddled with the gate codes and watched it open even though I didn’t command it to. Not waiting for it to close I paced with the phone to my ear still impatiently listening to the ringing. I didn’t know if she’d actually pick up after the horrible shit I said to her.
As soon as I heard her voice, I blurted out in one long breath, “I’m so fucking sorry.” I could hear her voice strangled by my bad behavior and a wave of tears when I felt myself being yanked back by big hands. Something wrapped around my head, covering my eyes as my limbs automatically started thrashing around, searching for anything to get caught on when I felt the tight leather against my legs. I gripped onto Birdy even tighter even though my capture wasn’t reaching for it.
Red flag.
My heart tha
t was just missed by a huge piece of glass sped up to a speed that made me sweat and panic.
Fuck, I should have taken the drugs. This is going to hurt later.
The deep voice spoke up and my head swiveled trying to find the location of where it was coming from. “Khaos, right? Dove sent me to take care of you. If he takes Bird back, he can’t have you breathing and talking about her…”
I sunk down into the leather more, weighted by every word he just said. Dove did take her back and now I was a liability considering I was an expert on Grace.
More than him and I’m sure he was killing his way to the top of the food chain.
“You’re making a mistake,” I bit out the words, chewing them and letting them fuel my fire. I just had the biggest wakeup call and this guy was on the wrong end of it. “I’m untouchable. You think Dove is worse than the Illuminati?”
“Does your precious Illuminati know you’ve been shacked up with a Clipped Wing? Not just any… his. She may not have betrayed you, but we know enough. You’re on your own now, right? People tired of cleaning up your messes yet?” He chuckled at his own jokes like an amateur comedian.
The car stopped without any notice and I flew forward hitting my head on the frame of the door, the hard plastic stinging my skin. I felt his hands pat me down for my phone that I had managed to shove into my briefs. Unless he wanted to cop a feel, he wasn’t getting the only lifeline I had left.
A jerk, yank, and pull later I felt him drag me from the car feeling the solid road against my shoes. Trying to listen for any clues I lost my breath when he pushed me backwards making my knees buckle.
The hard surface below me, my hands patted all around for clues until my wrists were slammed together with zip ties. When he ripped the black from my vision everything came into color and the contrast was too bright when he said, “Can’t have you slipping away.”
Slamming the trunk down I kicked the panel angry at the world, myself, and the fact that I let Genevieve get in my head the same way she did before I killed her.