by Elena Monroe
“Khaos. Grace isn’t who you think she is,” his voice cut through my self-inventory when my anesthesia induced dreams only spoke to the small piece of me that knew I didn’t have her full story.
I didn’t care who she was, nothing he could have said was going to change how I felt, not even that feeling like I didn’t have all the information.
Opening the folder, seeing a glossy photo of Grace in the grasp of someone I couldn’t quite recognize until I flipped to the next one in the pile.
Dove Toledano.
Only this version of Dove was flush against my Grace. This version of Dove was grasping and clutching onto her body like it belonged to him.
I couldn’t look away when I flipped to the next photo and next photo not even concerned with how Ethan got his hands on these parts of Grace I couldn’t even reach. All he had to do was be in the right place at the right time and like magic he saw just how dirty her halo was.
Was this what she was hiding?
Was this the sinking feeling I felt?
Pushing the folder off the table, I watched them sprinkle the floor when I ripped out the IV and the oxygen tube from my nose. I enjoyed the high but when you’re forced to sober up it’s always uncomfortable - this time was worse.
“What the fuck is this?! Why were you following her?” I barked his direction when I watched his face almost light up. I was an expert at playing the part people wanted, zooming in on their reactions, and reading the damn room. He was thrilled at my pain.
Ethan stammered having never met any other version of me, “I - I knew she was going to hurt you. I saw you falling in love with her when she was fucking this guy the whole time.”
When he saw me fall in love with her? No one had the pleasure of seeing that firsthand.
Everything was making sense, all the dots I refused to connect, all the ways I wanted her whole truth but ignored all the signs staring me right in the face.
Is he where she ran off to?
Is he the reason she waited so long to tell me she loved me back?
Who is Dove Toledano to Grace?
“Have you been following me?” Sitting up enough to swing my legs over the hospital bed I found my eyes scanning the room for weapons, ways to hurt him the same way he was hurting me.
Deja vu.
I watched Ethan step back, still too flustered to answer me directly when he started gathering the photos on the floor. “I care about you, Khaos. I just want what’s best for you and some street trash who can get shot and forgotten isn’t someone for you. This will make it easier for you to get over her…”
Standing up I still couldn’t feel my own weight anchoring me down the way gravity would if the drugs in my system didn’t feel so good. I yanked the lamp chord from the wall and wrapped in around my hands preparing to make him choke on his ugly truth- he saw her get shot that day.
Stepping towards him, I towered over him like a rogue shadow, leaning down I let the chord catch his throat as the kind of blind anger I felt when I pushed Genevieve off the roof took over.
It was the kind of anger that didn’t feel like I owned anymore, it felt like possession.
His body jerked up with a cough for air when I held the chord with moderation. Least my anger was forgiving instead of ruthless this time.
My shoulders rounded, his body pushing against my shins as I spoke in a low tone that scared me a little, “Don’t you ever call her street trash unless you’re doling out adjectives for yourself… I was paranoid for months because of you. You care about me? You were nothing but a way for me to avoid ever feeling for anyone. You’re fucking bleach for broken hearts.”
With my final words dissolving on my tongue, melting right down into whatever was possessing me, I pulled the cord tighter. Letting my hands meet at the back of his neck I watched the wire cut into his not-so-innocent skin and it made me smile.
Not a smile for anyone else.
Not a smile that hoped to keep people happy.
A genuine smile while he gasped for air and tried to claw his way back into my good graces.
My knuckles turned white, the skin wanting to break under the pressure of my fists and the cord leaving indentations even on me. I wasn’t going to claim to be a victim, not in this position, but I was the one being punked by my clearly fired assistant so whatever I chose to do will be justified to the nth degree.
The possession wasn’t loosening its grip on me even though I could feel the fight in him dying. His face was beat red, his eyes once wide were now half-mast before they closed forever. Finally letting go his body dropped to the tiled floor with a thud and my hands tingled letting the blood flow back to where it should.
Strangling someone was something you had to feel too, granted in a smaller dose, yet it felt like I strangled away all the things I needed to let go. I strangled Ethan and parts of me died too, ones holding me back from being myself instead of who people needed me to be.
I put way too much effort into being liked.
Fuck being liked.
I wanna be respected and that means being enough for yourself - not sometimes, not only when you get hurt, and not only when you feel lonely that way I always avoided.
I valued being liked and admired over being authentic. It was easier to be all the things I knew people needed me to be than myself and that lost me respect, even the respect I had for myself in the first place.
Grace taught me that respect is earned and sometimes that means making a lot of yourself, parts people don’t deserve, an accessory not included upon purchase.
If I had done that, I wouldn’t be the horseman people treat like an incapable child.
If I had done that, I would have surrounded myself with people who found it too hard to up and leave.
If I had done that, I could see the difference between respect and admiration.
Grace had respected me. Everyone else just admired my ability to be so damn happy- genuine or not.
I didn’t give Ethan enough of a chance to paint me a clear picture when I scooped up a photo of Grace and Dove locking lips. That same possessive energy at my back ready to take over if need be.
So much for clean hands.
Throwing the picture on the bed I searched for my clothes when I realized they probably cut them off and putting them back on wasn’t an option when Grimm’s head peaked around the door frame. “I was listening to him confess to stalking you… guess that’s why it got quiet. Brought you some clothes. I’m not encouraging your infinity for nudity.”
“Where’s Grace?” It was the second time I was asking, and I wasn’t going to take being ignored easily.
I could see his face fall, pensive and trying to assess how much I could take, with his tattooed hands at his lips and eyebrows low. “Khaos… look, we need to talk... Vic has footage of Ethan tampering with Grace’s van. I was coming to warn you, but I see he’s dead now.”
Yanking the shirt that was ripped where the sleeves used to be and pulling on my jeans, I got more aggressive when he ignored my question. “Why is no one fucking tell me where Grace is?”
Grimm was staring at the photo on the bed before he looked up, “She stayed until you were out of surgery and the nurses said she bolted after that. She probably was avoiding owning up to whatever the fuck this is.”
Pushing past him I folded the photo up and shoved it in my back pocket. Grimm not far behind tried to speak in a low voice, “Don’t do anything stupid. This guy isn’t a fucking joke, Khaos.”
His words stopped me dead in my tracks and the possession took hold again when I spun around, facing him in some nondescript hallway, with my fists balled up by my side. “And what am I? Stupid or a joke? You really think I can’t handle myself when you just watched me strangle Ethan to death? I’m not a fucking child and I’m no one’s responsibility. Respect me how I deserve or get the fuck out of my face.” Stomping my way to the exit, albeit like a child, I wasn’t letting anyone decide who I was anymore.
GRACE
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I felt crushed after my attempt at going toe-to-toe with Dove. I thought surviving would somehow make me untouchable when really it only made me a slight annoyance in his life.
He felt more powerful than ever, but I wasn’t giving up, the same way Khaos never gave up on me.As long as we were in this together I knew we would find a way out of all the ways the world kept getting in the way. Exactly like he always said we would.
When I ran back into his hospital room expecting to see a sleeping Khaos, imagine my surprise when his room was empty. All except his bitchy assistant laying on the floor with a cord wrapped around his neck.
My mouth fell open at the sight and my heart picked up in a panic that had my head submerged in unanswered questions.
Leaning down, I turned over the papers scattered under his limbs when I saw myself reflected back. Dove’s forced grip tugging at my skin, his uninvited kisses, and the face of loyalty I faked my way through.
Now Khaos knew every ounce of truth I had put off telling him.
I wanted to push the past behind a door labeled do not open and someone didn’t read the sign.
He seemed to suffer enough for his mistake…
It was clear Khaos wasn’t here when I closed the door behind me. I knew he wasn’t doing tests, the body and photos on his room floor were screaming that something happened. The truth I didn’t want to explain was the catalysts to him bolting.
Now he knew the whole truth, but he didn’t have the context.
I didn’t even bother to find Darlene; she was probably just as much out of the loop as I was. Everything in me knew he escaped the same way he ran from anything that was too real. This was the epitome of too real and that alone made him feel more authentic than he was used to.
There were taxis outside the hospital when I slipped into one and gave them the only address I knew besides Dove’s and Vic’s - Khaos’s.
Just when I was starting to call it home, the ugly truth had a way of making sure you weren’t comfortable enough to feel secure.
I must have sent a thousand texts hoping he’d take pity on me enough to at least hear me out but none of them delivered.
He had already decided all my genuine that he loved was a lie.
He made up his mind that I’m a fraud.
The gate was still open with Vic’s Porsche parked outside and when I saw him helping Khaos my stomach ate my heart in one big gulp.
I didn’t wait for the taxi to stop when I stepped out of the moving car all too desperate to make Khaos understand.
“Khaos? I went back to the hospital and they said you self-discharged. You can’t do that, you just had surgery.”
Vic of all people was letting Khaos get away with leaving the hospital before being discharged. Same guy who wanted to drag my ass there every time I got a bruise.
His hands on the car helping him steady himself, his sharp words clipped my new wings bringing me right back down to a singular wing making me a flightless bird again. “Standing ovation for the dedicated actress,” clapping my direction, I knew that surly tone and dramatics. He was making it clear he wasn’t buying the performance even though I wasn’t acting, “Get the fuck off my property. Now.”
Rounding the car, I kept some distance between us, “What? Please... just listen to me...” My voice shook right along with my body, all in denial.
“You hate frauds pretty hard to be the biggest liar I know. You’re only with me because your boyfriend and boss told you to be, right? You know, your stepdad. It’s so hard to keep track of who Dove Toledano is to you.” Limping his way closer to me, eyes boring into mine, “Did he tell you to open your legs that much too?”
Seething wasn’t even the right word. Khaos always made every emotion just that much more amplified. He was provoked, disgruntled, belligerent, a type of outraged that made me expect to be hit.
I even flinched even though I knew him better than that.
“Khaos… it’s not like that. It’s not easy to explain. I wanted to tell you everything, but it wasn’t easy for me…” He was waiting for Vic to help him inside when I was pleading to be heard.
Looking at me so defeated and broken it almost broke my rule to never cry when he glared at me longer. “When’s the last time you fucked him, Grace? Every time you snuck out and wouldn’t tell me what you were doing except calling it work. Is it really work? You always liked it with me.”
My features melted right off my face onto his driveway. I felt skinned alive, “I - I didn’t - no it’s not like that, Khaos. I didn’t ever have a choice.”
“No choice?! You had every fucking choice. I told you everything! I made shit real fucking clear-” his voice broke the same way my heart did. Looking away the back of his hand wiped away the tears. “Count your blessings. The last girl who fucked me over…? She’s dead.”
Vic’s face even looked painful when I could read between the insults and features telling me I should leave. Grabbing Khaos’s arm, he helped him inside and out of my sight as I felt a raindrop on my hand.
Only it wasn’t rain, it was my tears falling off my face.
A bird with no wings, no heart, and unable to swim.
I was still stunned, standing there like an abandoned child, when Vic practically jogged over to me still in a button up shirt and dress pants. Digging out his money clip, no wallet, something I knew to be easier to steal, I watched him yank a card out and hand it to me. “Call him. He’s on our payroll. Jus knows him, he can help if you have information.”
I could see the judgment all over his face. He was judging my ties to Dove, judging the way Khaos used me being Dove’s bitch as an insult, and judging the way I was the reason Khaos was broken.
That’s the thing about being a ghost, I didn’t have any friends to judge Khaos for his actions. I was forced to take his words like a sledgehammer to my heart and wait it out.
Taking the card, I read LAPD on the front and contact information on the back for someone named Rodridguez. The small print below his name read gang unit when I scanned the card for details around the small spots of tears blooming into the card stock.
Finding my phone in my pocket I didn’t realize Vic was still there, in front of me, when he handed me his keys. “Take my car. I’ll tell Jus to expect you.”
He backed away mouthing the words I’m sorry before shouting, “Just leave. He needs time, Grace.”
I didn’t want to move, I wanted to live in this pain until it ate me whole leaving nothing left but good memories. I would take the bad ones wherever I end up next while he kept the good ones.
I didn’t even try to stop my eyes from welling up so much I could barely see the road the whole way to their penthouse.
I couldn’t see past the ache in my chest and mine wasn’t even nicknamed Mayhem.
Pulling up to the curb, her doorman straightened up, smoothing his uniform and faltering when he saw it was me instead. I watched his face become devoid of everything, even color, when I handed him the keys to Vic’s Porsche.
In the elevator I tried to wipe away the tears, but it was no use, they weren’t stopping and had already made my skin patchy and red.
The elevator opened to the hallway I knew better than I wanted to admit when I didn’t even get to graze my knuckles against the door before it flew open.
Swallowing me inside her arms I was forced into hugging her back best I could when slammed against someone.
Justice used to be a harder outline than this but since Vic she bled outside the lines.
Love doesn’t change you; it brings the strongest people to their knees and that kind of humbleness has a way of making rough edges smooth.
“He… he doesn’t understand,” I choked on the words, my jaw tending with my tears flowing out at rapid speed.
Smoothing down my short blonde hair under her hand while still flush against her, I kept trying to hold back the tears until the pressure became too much. “I know, he doesn’t have all the facts.”
“I need t
o fix this… I can’t lose him. I’ll take the punishments. I need out of Clipped Wings; I’ll rat out Dove - whatever it takes.” All my words were drawn out and through tears.
Handing her the card Vic gave me, she looked like a lightbulb went off when she finally stopped crushing me in her arms.
Justice put it down on the table, with her hands on her hips she analyzed me, “You’d be a traitor if you do this. It’s risky and there’s no guarantee this would work.”
She trailed off thinking when I knew exactly what calling their contact meant. They’d force me to tell them everything and I happily would. I chose a side, and it was always going to his- Khaos.
Justice quizzed me, trying to prep me, before she sent Rodriguez a text.
I was turning my back on the only family I’d ever known, trading in my one wing, and was going to get the revenge people wait lifetimes for when my statement puts Dove behind bars for more lifetimes than he has left.
He deserved to be caged the same way he kept me flightless.
Rodriguez wasn’t what I was expecting… He was clean cut but had this edge to him like he wasn’t exactly on the straight and narrow.
He definitely had some kind of street cred or a past.
“I need all the information you can give me on Dove Toledano,” he said it and all that loyalty, all I ever knew, made me want to throw up.
Justice’s hand found mine on the island top, whispering between us, “For Khaos, right? You have a true family now with us.”
For Khaos.
Not for the family.
Not for the loyalty.
Someone just get my organs on the same page because they’re all freaking out like I’m a modern Benedict Arnold.
My mouth fell open and I forced the words out, “Dove Toledano was the person who rescued me from juvie… he was like my father figure until he noticed I had boobs. He deals and steals but it’s only escalating. He wants to be number one.”
Rodriguez was looking at me like he knew that already which only made me regurgitate more, “He shot me and thought I was dead. He thinks I’m some kind of miracle for surviving. Now he’s after Khaos, a hit list for erasing my life.”