Tin Universe Monthly #6

by Brian C. Williams

  I didn’t make my point very good did I? Shit, ok, move on people, nothing to see here but a car wreck of a chapter.

  The last bell of the day rang out and everyone had the rest of the day ahead of them.

  When everyone thinks about Michelle Reid and what she would be doing after school I think most have images of…well, of things I can’t go into here. Some of those thoughts are just weird.

  Janet Stefani wasn’t going to have a good day. Her dad had to work and he has been working really long hours the past few days only telling his daughter that he was trying to keep a mess in place thus triggering in her mind the conversation she had with Joanna. She wanted to tell her dad what happen but is afraid that Joanna would retaliate in some way for her letting her father know.

  Jennifer Child, Britney Day, and Rumiko Francis had a meeting on the baseball field to audition maybe cheerleaders for the squad. They were expecting a huge turn out since F.K.H.S. was the combination of three smaller high schools and so there should be three schools worth of cheerleader worthy applicants.

  And you might ask how Jennifer, Britney, and Rumiko got into the leadership position out of the gate from the start of the school year that they now hold on the cheerleader squad and the answer to your question would be Joanna Osip. She handpicked them.

  Though there is no love fest between Jennifer, Britney, and Rumiko.

  Principal Carol was doing what he does every day at this time. He was in his office working on his novel.

  Yep, his novel.

  Everyone has a novel in them after all. Firm believer in that.

  Cannon Avery was at practice for his band that he has been working on songs with for a possible CD for a few years now. The band is made up of a few distant relatives and they have thoughts of being a alternative band, though isn’t that what all high school bands want to be, but singing covers while writing songs that sit right at plagiarism of their favorite groups is where they end up eight times out of ten.

  Chris Sweet and Frank Hover are attending a local gay pride group meeting.

  Mr. Josh has a day planned at one of the local area libraries pulling books he finds distasteful and checking them out with a plan to never return them.

  Ms. Gardner will go home alone, get drunk alone, but wake up with someone she doesn’t know from her apartment complex or the pizza bar across the street from it.

  Coach Stern has football practice.

  Well, ok, everyone’s day ahead was busy but not everyone had to deal with Joanna Osip so there is one kind of busy day’s life and there are other kinds of busy day’s life and then there are Soap Operas.

  Karen meet Fox at her locker after they both shared a boring class hearing Mr. Josh talk about how it would benefit everyone to join band.

  Fox needed to drop off a few things at her locker and Karen decided to stash her stuff there also to keep from having to visit her locker or Jeff’s which both were located on the first floor of the building.

  She couldn’t remember where Gail’s locker was, nor could she wipe up much care to recall that information.

  Karen noticed that Fox somehow had found the time to paint the inside of her locker jet black without getting caught. She also has a thing for John Barrowman according to some magazine pages posted inside her locker, but who doesn’t have a thing for him?

  Karen, ‘Ready for our Osip Torture Party?’

  ‘Yeah, ready and feeling peachy about it.’

  ‘Well, no skipping out. I need you there for support.’

  ‘Speaking of needs, could you give me a ride home? My truck wouldn’t start this morning and I had to run around the block to catch the bus.’

  ‘No prob.’

  ‘How’s Gail getting home?’

  ‘Jeff.’

  ‘Seems like a great guy. Grown quite a bit since I knew him?’

  Karen gives Fox a sleigh look, ‘He has.’

  ‘Then again, the last time I saw him he was probably still hairless. If you know what I mean?’

  ‘Yeah, well, no problem there now.’

  Fox grinned.

  ‘You would be surprised how different he is now from the street kid he use to be.’ Karen

  ‘Just like family to you and Gail?’

  ‘He is. My B.F.F. and like a brother to Gail. And I can’t believe I just said BFF.’

  ‘So you and him?’

  Karen smiled finally getting the picture fully why this conversation had drifted to the subject of Jeff, ‘Oh, we rolled around once but we were bored at home after laughing our asses off watching Fox News trying to be serious journalists while really high.’

  ‘And speaking of changes. You’ve certainly climbed on board the hippy protest scream wagon haven’t you?’

  ‘I’m never been the quiet type. And I’m no over privileged ass in the 1960’s’

  ‘Yeah, I remember when you “accidently” told Cannon Avery’s dad about his mom’s special friend who was also at our Campfire Kids all night party.’

  ‘Secrets are the problem, not the truth.’

  ‘I love your bullshit lady.’

  ‘Speaking of which, we better get our asses in gear head to the gym.’

  CHAPTER 44

  I would go into description about Jeff’s mode of transportation but I like him too much to do that to him because of how it might askew your view of him. I will tell you this, his ca…ok, he has a car but that’s all the exact detail you’re getting.

  I feel an influence of too many Top Gear marathons coming into this book.

  As I was saying, I will tell you this, his car is not a 1974 Ford Pinto. Though that is the year I was born. His car is one of the worst cars ever to grace a road anywhere but it is not a 1984 Ford Tempo. But to be honest “worst” lists are always subjective so one person might love a 1970 AMC Gremlin; while another might love being behind the wheel of a 1978 AMC Pacer and neither of which are the vehicle Jeff’s drives mostly from home to school and school to home.

  Jeff tends to catch rides with Karen to other places. Ok, I’ll let you know what Jeff drives for two reasons. One, I’m running out of cars I know about off the top of my head and two, this paragraph is at the limit of “enough already.” Jeff’s car seems to be a mix of a Pontiac Aztek and a Chevrolet Chevette. Yes, you guessed it. He drives a Ryan Motors Take-Off 6Z12.

  He’s had that car for years and not once has “his” Take-Off 6Z12 burst into flames for no reason. Very much going against its nature I might add.

  Gail knows all the sorted history of his choice of car, which really wasn’t his choice, but something he won at a church raffle. He went for hotdogs and left with the best Ryan Motors has been able to offer the U.S. manufactured car buying public in years.

  Little Ms. Coma Girl has used it on more than one occasion to zinger her friend when he has the upper hand.

  Karen doesn’t say much, she has her own car problems.

  After dropping Gail off at her house Jeff and his Take-Off headed in the opposite direction from the Busiek family’s home base in the direction of the local comic shop to pick up Gail and his folder holds.

  During the whole drive to take Gail home he was deep in thought and now pulled out his cell phone while at the wheel to make a call, ‘Lion, Jeff… hey, I have someone who maybe in town who I need to find…………………..The names Jack Boggs, he’s wanted by the police………………………….cool, can’t talk, driving, bye.’

  He tosses his phone in the passenger seat and rolls down the window since the air conditioning in his car hasn’t worked in six months.

  Florida heat. Is there any wonder so much crazy shit goes down in this state.

  While Jeff drives a road melting in the heat inside his car in the home of a very well off in the money family someone is holding a conversation about curious footsteps that are happening.

  ‘Get him the information he wants,’ a new phone slides shut, ‘Maybe I can find a place to play this information.’

  Yes, yes in
deed, I have been watching way too much Top Gear of late.

  CHAPTER 45

  Joanna had them lined up like soldiers in the gymnasium.

  About twenty minutes ago when everyone walked into the gym they found little place seating cards on the bleachers directing where she wanted them to sit. No one believes Joanna took the time to do this, they knew she had her helper do it. It’s not like she thinks everyone will sit exactly where she says for them to, it’s the act of trying to order someone around and getting away with it that gives her an advantage.

  Karen, Fox, Jason Torch, and Kaya Pinelli stood at attention awaiting the arrival of the boss and her number one. They stood there like toys on the shelf of a store ready for a spoiled child to snatch them, toss them on the floor; and speak down to them.

  I would talk about Jason and Kaya but I don’t have them figured out. Stay tuned for future develops with them later in the book.

  I do know they’re both seniors so that’s one thing to put in each of their file cards.

  Joanna and Lisa walked into the gymnasiums like a cross between the leader of a marching band and the head gunner in a firing squad.

  Joanna was walking back and forth in front of the bleachers like a Stalag Commandant with Lisa on her heels with each step, ‘Here is my plan. Busiek and Boggs are the muscle. They will do the heavy lifting and sweat work. Torch you are in charge of decorations and refreshments with Pinelli being ticket salesman.’

  ‘Will you beat her up or should I?’ Fox

  ‘I’m not a woman of violence.’ Karen

  ‘Tell that to my bruises.’

  ‘Oh, yea, I guess I could kick her …’

  Joanna, ‘Ahem, I continue despite the whispered shakings of others. Just remember everything goes through me. Please do not think you have any ideas of your own. That’s all I need right now are your ideas and anyways it would be a complete waste of time.’

  Joanna dismisses her troops (or prisoners of war if you like) with a wave of her hand and heads out with her Sergeant Schultz in tow.

  Fox, ‘I think she would be happier if Mr. Carol had assigned her a bunch of freshman and a whip.’

  ‘Quite, you’re making me picture her in Mistress Boots,’ Karen.

  ‘I can’t save you from your own perverted daydreams.’

  ‘I only dream of her tied to a large dart board.’

  ‘Didn’t you and Misty Webster duck tape her to a fence once in like 1st Grade?’

  ‘No, we did that to Gail.’

  ‘Where was I when this was going on?’

  ‘Gymnastics class.’

  ‘Oh, yea, I did that didn’t I?’

  ‘Yes, yes you did. Something you and Gail have in common.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Back before The Birth of Coma Girl she was a cheerleader freak and did gymnastics also to keep in shape. That and choir but I don’t really know where choir fit into the rest of it?’

  ‘I had totally forgotten about those Gymnastic classes.’

  ‘Wasn’t Joanna in them also?’

  ‘No, her father paid the instructor for private lessons so she was there the first day of each month’s classes to drop off the check.’

  ‘A link with Joanna. Do you feel the disease of an Osip from the connection? I’m glad my only connection to her is the kindergarten incident.’

  ‘What, you two are a perfect match. Joanna admires bored rich kids and you’re all about Margaret Sanger.’

  ‘Why Fox, you’re getting me moist with the feminist name dropping.’

  CHAPTER 46

  Lion is one of Jeff’s oldest friends.

  Real name, Ernie Midring.

  I think his family was originally from Iran. “I think” I should know shouldn’t I being the writer and all? I don’t yet though, haven’t decided yet? The only thing I have decided on is that his family left the country during the revolution but that’s all up to which revolution and whether they were from Iran or just working there. Since you will never see his mom, only maybe hear her voice in classic sitcom fashion and he being adopted none of that thinking really mattered in the slightest.

  He says he gave himself the nickname Lion. Are you allowed to give yourself a nickname? I thought that was illegal.

  Lion is a young man of all things in Florida, also a sort of urban legend, a mini one man black market for information and goods, mostly weird and unusual things. If you need, desire, want, or want to get rid of certain specified things, you contact Lion.

  He works from The Lion’s Den. It’s his base of operations, headquarters, fortress of solitude, and compound. Ever see the Die Hard sequel with Kevin Smith in it?

  It’s also his den, in his house, and his mother lives upstairs…in his house, and his family may or may not be from Iran.

  ‘Your mom home?’ Jeff

  ‘Nope, she’s at the gym,’ Lion

  ‘Working her thighs?’

  ‘Don’t go there man.’

  Lion hands Jeff a beer and they sit down on a raggedy old couch.

  Jeff, ‘Find anything on Boggs?’

  ‘He’s not in town.’

  ‘You couldn’t find him?’

  ‘No. One of my guys found him and tracked him back to his home. The guy is living in Kentucky under the name Ripley Cloud.’

  ‘Can you keep tracking him?’

  ‘That’s going to cost you.’

  ‘How much?’

  ‘Maybe your signed by Jon Pertwee Seven Doctors poster?’

  ‘I’d rather you cut off a finger.’

  ‘I have a buyer for those in Texas if that’s your choice of payment.’

  ‘You are most defiantly living a life in the weird.’

  ‘Information. Even though I deal in goods also, information is the real money. Even having something that is worth something is worth nothing without knowing there are people who want to buy it. And speaking of information, I found something else about Project Garand. Any interest?’

  ‘Nope.’

  ‘This is deep government black shit here and I’m offering it for free?’

  ‘No interest. My families past dealings have nothing to do with me.’

  ‘My blind friend, in the age of information, anything and everything about us affects us.’

  CHAPTER 47

  ‘Ok, worst masturbation stories. Go.’ And as Jeff always does he starts conversations by getting everyone’s eyes open wide.

  Karen, ‘This how you take my mom saying we three should get together and talk to build our friendships. Really?’

  ‘I like.’ Fox

  ‘God, two of them now.’ Karen

  Jeff claps his hand together in mock evil genius style, ‘Who’s first?’

  Fox raises her hand excitedly, ‘Me.’

  ‘You have the floor.’ Jeff

  Karen pops a muscle relaxer and rolls her eyes while doing so.

  Fox, ‘Just let me start by saying this involves my aunts back massager as a little bit of a pre-warning if either of you are a bit aunt sex squeamish.’

  Silence was how Jeff and Karen reacted.

  ‘Ok, here’s my story. My cousin Henry was staying over once…’ Fox

  Jeff steals one of Karen’s pills before she gets a chance to down another one.

  ‘Neither of you never meet Henry but he was cute.’

  ‘When I first got on the internet I masturbated to stories like this.’ Jeff

  They both stared at him.

  ‘What? I keep on topic.’ Jeff

  Fox, ‘I shall continue. With Henry being over I got all touchy feely with my inner space and since we were the only people in the house…’

  Jeff leaned forward in joking fun attentiveness which garnered a punch in the arm from Karen.

  Fox, ‘I went in my aunt’s room and snuck out her back massager.’

  ‘That’s it?’ Jeff

  Karen, ‘I have to say a little sick just came up in my throat but probably not that unusual of a thing for someone to do.
’

  ‘I didn’t clean it first.’ Fox

  Double spit take.

  ‘I had blue ovaries.’ Fox

  There was staring all around with three smiles.

  ‘You are next Mr. Jeff?’ Fox

  Karen, ‘Nope, nope, we aren’t following sick with sick. I go now.’

  Jeff, ‘It’s a win win for everyone.’

  ‘Shut up and listen. This is my first outside the house time.’ Karen

  Jeff, ‘Is this the Epcot incident?’

  Karen, ‘No it is not. Continuing I’m going to make this short because that’s a face of what happen. I have only a words for you. Bathroom at comic shop.’

  Jeff, ‘That’s a bigger sick in the throat than Fox’s aunt juice sharing.’

  ‘How is that?’ Fox

  ‘Have you ever gone to the bathroom at a comic shop?’ Jeff

  Fox, ‘Point made. And your story?’

  Jeff, ‘I will say first how much I cannot guarantee this story to be true.’

  Fox/Karen, ‘Understood.’

  Jeff, ‘Because of drugs, Rebull, and electric shock.’

  Karen, ‘Ok.’

  Jeff, ‘Including that part.’

  Karen, ‘Tell. Your Story. Chim-Chim.’

  Jeff, ‘I was at the fish market…’

  Karen, ‘STOP!’

  Fox, ‘Why?’

  Karen, ‘He got this idea for this from Warren Ellis’s website. Believe me, you don’t want to hear it.’

  CHAPTER 48

  Karen and Jeff are spending time in her room watching The Avengers while downing Spaghetti Taco after Spaghetti Taco, chased by Ryan-Mart generic cola. This scene is one that they have repeated over and over.

  Jeff is a huge, mammoth, dorkstar, Avengers fan. Last year for his birthday Karen got him the Mega Emma Peel DVD set to replace his Mega Emma Peel VHS set, which was donated to the library and the year before they attended a costume party for Halloween dressed as Emma Peel and John Steed. Jeff had to bribe her with rare Ani Difranco bootleg CDs to get her to wear the cat suit.

  Karen, ‘You really do know how to make me feel good.’

  ‘It’s what I do.’

  Karen’s smiles knowing she is so lucky in a lot of ways. This is what it’s like to have a friend who will stand by her no matter what.