by Natalie Dean
As she sat with the children at the table, with a place for Carson, Sarah asked Billy about his mother. He told her how Maggie was buried nearby, but Carson didn't want them visiting the grave with him. Billy became a little sad as he thought about his mother and Sarah decided to change the mood.
"Do you want to hear a song that my mama used to sing to me?" Sarah asked, and the little children nodded yes. Sarah pulled the children onto her lap and with Lola lying by her feet began to sing: einini, einini, codalaigi, codalaigi, einini, einini, codalaigi.
Sarah had the sweetest voice, and the children were mesmerized by the sound of it.
"What does it mean?" Jane asked. Sarah began to sing in English: little birds, little birds, sleep, sleep, little birds, little birds, sleep.
The children began to sing the strange words that Sarah used. Her heart was filled with love and sorrow as she remembered her mother teaching it to her. Sarah hadn't spoken Gaelic for a long time.
"Do you miss your mama?" Jane asked as her little hand wiped away Sarah's tears.
"I do, Jane. I miss her very much. But we must remember to be happy too. Your mama and my mama wouldn't want us to be sad. Even though they’re up in heaven with God, they will always be here in our hearts. Let's sing again," Sarah said, and she and the children sang.
Meanwhile, Carson sat by Maggie's grave. "What do you think about this situation Maggie? It isn't right having a stranger with our children," he said as he sobbed his heart out.
A slight breeze had started to pick up, but to Carson, it was like Maggie stroking his face. She was his true strength. All she had endured in life. She had been so happy here. Sheriff Dexter was still no wiser about who had taken his Maggie's life, but Carson wanted revenge.
Then he heard the sound. It was faint. It sounded tranquil and melancholic. He looked around. The sound was coming from the direction of his home. It was hypnotic, and Carson was drawn to it. As he neared the cabin, the sound got louder. He could hear the children's voices wrapped with the woman's voice. It was his children singing, with Sarah. He stood in the doorway and watched as Sarah and the children looked so peaceful. It was so different from the last time he was drawn to the house.
The children looked so content. Was Maggie telling him to accept Sarah? He looked around as though wishing her to send him a sign but seeing their children happy was all Maggie had ever wanted. Sarah looked sad. He never considered her having sorrow. How could he? He knew nothing about her, but Carson wasn't sure that he wanted to know anymore. She was here to help the children heal, to love them. Not him.
Chapter Six
Lola wagged her tail and went to greet her master. Sarah blushed as she knew he had heard her singing. Carson was looking at her. She felt uncomfortable. Sarah didn't like being the center of attention.
"You don't mind, do you?" she asked, but Carson shook his head and turned away. Sarah had no experience of men to know if he was annoyed with her.
"More, more," Billy said as Sarah lifted him off her lap. "Later, Billy. I'm here to learn the things your mama used to do."
Sarah and the children followed Carson out to the barn. Carson seemed surprised by their presence.
"Do you know how to milk a cow?" he asked. Sarah shook her head. There was some memory at the back of her mind of milking a cow, but it was so long ago. Carson set the stool by the cow's udder and placed a pail ready to capture the milk. Sarah took up position. She tried to remember what Cecilia had told her but in her anxiety, she remembered nothing. Sarah squeezed, but nothing came out.
"That's not the way Mama used to do it," Billy tutted.
"Leave Mama Sarah alone, Billy. Mama Sarah, talk to Daisy and pet her," Jane offered her advice.
"Good girl," Sarah said, feeling a little foolish. The cow still chewing the cud turned to look at the woman and made a grunting sound at Sarah.
"I'll show you," Carson said as he wrapped his hands around Sarah's. "This is the motion you need," Carson said. His cheek was almost resting against Sarah's. She could feel his breath, and her heart stopped. Was this what it was like to be so close to a man? Her heart was beating so fast she was sure it was visible. She closed her eyes to calm herself. All that did was intensify Carson's presence. His manly scent wafting up her nostrils.
"Sarah, you do it now," Carson was talking to her and Sarah could feel heat rising from her cheeks.
"Look how red Sarah is," Billy said.
"Billy, why don't you sit over there," Carson said. He saw how uncomfortable Sarah was and he wanted to divert attention from her. He had heard her breathing become rapid. She had a sweet smell to her. It was different than Maggie who had favored lavender in her water when washing. There was a fragility about her which he hadn't noticed before. In fact, he had paid little attention to her until now.
Sarah was determined to get some milk and prove her worth. She squealed with delight when the milk began to flow into the pail. But Sarah didn't understand Daisy's twitching leg, and before Carson could intervene, Daisy kicked the milk pail over and sent Sarah flying off her stool.
Billy began to laugh as Jane ran to help to Sarah. Carson was trying to stifle a giggle. Sarah was covered in milk.
"Mama never did it that way," Billy, the observer, noted.
Sarah reckoned she must look a sight, but as she looked down at herself, she began to laugh. So much of her life was about doing things right from the start, and here a cow had shown her who was boss. As Carson helped her up, he couldn't help but chuckle.
"It happened to Maggie and me too. Old Daisy is temperamental. Let's get you cleaned up," Carson said.
"I don't want to go into the cabin like this. I'll clean up here," Sarah said. Her clothes would need to be washed. She could smell the milk, and if she didn’t wash them, the smell would be sour within hours.
"Billy and Jane, you come with me. You'd best get those wet clothes off," Carson said but Sarah couldn't. She had no other clothes to wear.
"Sarah, try these," Carson called out as he threw a shirt and trousers of his into the barn. Sarah looked at the clothes. Was he serious? She assumed he'd give her something from Maggie. She dressed but had to hold up the trousers. As she walked out of the barn, Jane began to laugh. "Mama Sarah, you look silly."
"I do look a sight," Sarah said.
"Use this," Carson undid his gun belt, so Sarah would have something to keep the trousers up. He wrapped it around her waist, but the belt was still too big. He caught the scent from her hair again. Carson closed his eyes as he inhaled. He paused for a moment.
"Papa, use Lola's rope," Billy offered as he stroked Lola who stood beside him.
"Good idea Billy," Carson said as he undid the rope from where Lola was supposed to be tied up at night. He tied it around Sarah's tiny waist. "There we go. If you wash out your clothes, they'll be dry by the time you head back to Bannack. I have to ride out for a bit. Billy, you're in charge, so look after Sarah and Jane," Carson said as he went to saddle up his horse.
Sarah looked at Billy. There was something in his mannerism that reminded her of her father. It was perplexing. Jane was the image of Katie and Billy looked like her dad. Sarah knew she must be imagining things. She washed out her clothes and hung them up to dry. The sun was hot, and she figured it wouldn't take long for the clothes to dry in this heat.
She took the children for a walk although Billy was hesitant about leaving the cabin. It was dusty. Lola began to bark, but Sarah couldn't see what had attracted the dog's attention. Then she heard the hiss. It was a snake. Jane cried out, and Billy was telling Lola to come back to him. Sarah pushed the children behind her, out of harm's way. A shot rang out, and the snake was scattered into pieces. Sarah screamed at the sound of the shot. She looked up to see Carson bounding towards them on horseback. He jumped off his horse and hugged the children.
"Why did you come out here? There are snakes everywhere. The children or the dog could have been bitten," he shouted at Sarah. Sarah began to cry. She didn't know abo
ut snakes, no one told her. For a moment, it felt like she was back in the big house again, expected to know things she didn't.
"Go back to the house and stay there. This isn't the city where you can go wandering about," Carson was annoyed with himself for getting angry with Sarah, but he was so afraid of losing the children. Although it hadn't escaped his notice how she put herself in the line of danger, protecting the children. Maggie had wanted a dog for protection and Lola had saved them today. But Carson had let Maggie down by taking Lola with him. He watched Sarah run away. She was so young and knew nothing of country life. Carson felt guilty. He didn't want Sarah to leave.
"Papa, why are you angry with Mama Sarah?" Jane asked as he carried her and her brother back to the cabin.
"Papa shouldn't have gotten angry, but I was afraid something bad would happen. I'll apologize to her. You like Sarah, don't you?" Carson asked.
"She smells nice," Jane said, and Billy agreed as he added that Sarah reminded him of his mama. Carson was put out to see Cecilia arriving as they neared the cabin. He needed to talk to Sarah. Would Sarah leave and never come back?
As Sarah ran back to the cabin, she told herself she would leave this place forever. She didn't belong anywhere. No matter how much she loved the children already, she didn't think she could cope with life in Bannack. Wiping away her tears, she was glad to see Cecilia. Cecilia was waving at her, expecting the day to have gone well.
"What happened?" Cecilia asked. She could see Carson and the children coming closer. She knew it wasn't her place to make judgments, but she felt responsible for Sarah's being there. Sarah told her what happened without any embellishment.
"I'm sure it's a misunderstanding Sarah. We didn't tell you what happened to Maggie. Carson was in the fields and came back to find Maggie shot dead, lying on the ground. I think his anger was masking fear. He is a good man, I've told you before," Cecilia put a comforting arm around Sarah as she spoke. As she comforted Sarah, Cecilia couldn’t help but wonder what on earth her new friend was wearing.
Carson approached the women and passed the children to Cecilia. He took Sarah by the arm and walked her away from Cecilia.
"Sarah, I'm sorry for speaking to you like that. I'm on edge since what happened to Maggie. I see danger everywhere. I forget that you don't know about snakes and things like that. I should have warned you. Please don't leave us. The children would miss you. I see how attached they are to you. I can't promise, though I'd like to, that I'll never raise my voice again but I'll do my best." Carson looked away. He didn't know how Sarah would react to his words.
"No one has ever apologized for speaking harshly to me. Thank you for that. If I'd known about the snakes, I wouldn't have endangered the children. I'll go back to Bannack with Cecilia now, but I'd like to visit again tomorrow. I want to be sure of my decision," she said in her softly spoken voice. Sadness and grief were emotions she could understand. It took a strong character to admit he was wrong.
The day had taken its toll on Sarah, and she was ready to return to the Lavery Hotel. She kissed the children goodbye, but Jane began to cry when she saw Sarah leave.
"She's never done that with Lottie or me," Cecilia noted, "she's very attached to you."
The next two days at the Edwards farm went without incident, mostly because Carson left Sarah alone with the children for the bulk of the day. Sarah wanted to be of more use and seeing that the windows needed cleaning, she set upon the task of house maintenance. Billy and Jane were learning Irish songs from Sarah which they would recite at night to their father when Sarah was gone. Carson was impressed by Sarah's closeness with the children. He was secretly hopeful that she would indeed decide to stay. However, he was cautious of frightening her again. Despite a lack of physical time spent together, he was aware of Sarah's influence.
A home needed love and constant attention, just like people did. He knew he couldn't maintain the farm and the home on his own. And in the few weeks since Maggie's passing, it had certainly lacked love. Until Sarah showed up.
Every morning, he had the fire going for Sarah's arrival, and she was learning how to bake and cook. Carson had missed the aroma of mealtime wafting to him as he returned home after a hard day's work.
In the evening, with the children asleep, Carson would look around. Signs of Sarah's presence were visible to him, from the wildflowers on the windows to the freshness of the curtains and the smell of her cooking. It filled his heart with warmth to feel love again. The children were happy. The forlorn look was gone from their sweet little faces. It was a look he had noticed when he'd seen them with Lottie or Cecilia. They were so kind to the children, but he knew the children needed a mother of their own. Lottie and Cecilia were right. It was what Maggie would want. Someone who loved the children and whom the children loved too.
As he stared into the fire, there was something else at the back of his mind trying to come through to the forefront. It was a glimmer, a flash, something so fleeting that he kept pushing it back. To a casual onlooker, the children would pass as Sarah's children. He had noticed it before. Sarah had the same look that Jane would give from time to time. Even Billy's mannerism of one raised eyebrow was a look he had seen in Sarah that day he had shouted at her. But it had disappeared quickly when she became upset. She had come from New York. But Sarah was too young to be the children's mother. Anyway, the nuns said the mother had died in childbirth, and the father couldn't cope. But why couldn't he shift the feeling that the children were connected to Sarah in some way?
Chapter Seven
"I don't mean to alarm you, but Lance has gotten word that the bandits who killed Maggie may be headed back this way. They left a trail of destruction and Maggie wasn't the only victim. I don't understand why they'd come back. I'm only telling you this in case Carson acts up in any way. It's not you, it's him and his grief and guilt. It eats him up that he took Lola with him and left Maggie, in his mind, undefended. But I reckon they'd have just killed the dog too," Cecilia warned Sarah as she brought her to the homestead.
"Will the Sheriff tell Carson?" Sarah asked, but Cecilia shook her head.
"Only if he feels it necessary but people talk. Other farmers may cross paths with Carson and tell him. How are things anyway? You were quiet last night. Mrs. Lavery said she tried to wake you for dinner but couldn't."
"I worked hard as a maid, and that house had three floors. So I’m not sure why I’m so tired. I guess it's the heat plus the children. I never knew they required so much energy." Cecilia laughed, becoming a mother had indeed been a shock to her system.
"I thought the children would fit into my schedule. Lots of theory and no practice, now I've lots of practice but no theories! Perhaps someday you'll have your own children," Cecilia frowned when she saw the look of sadness on Sarah's face. "What did I say?"
"It's not my plan to have children. My mother and sister both died in childbirth. The whole idea frightens me."
"I'm sorry to hear that. That's quite a fear to carry but look at those little faces waiting for your arrival. That's love, Sarah."
As Sarah stood up on the wagon, Carson came around to lift her off. She felt her stomach jump as he lifted her into the air. Sarah felt his hold linger as she looked into his face. It was the face of a man who had her heart, but she knew he could never love her, not after the loss of his beloved Maggie.
"Ahem," Cecilia said, and they jumped apart, "I'll be back later this evening. Lance has to ride out, and with the children being sick, I don't want to bring them out in the wagon."
"It's okay Cecilia. If Sarah doesn't mind, I'll take her back to the hotel. We've taken enough of your time, and it's time I did my share," Carson said, walking away. With that, Cecilia raised her eyebrows at Sarah. It was a good sign, Cecilia thought. He's taken with her. Cecilia couldn’t wait to get back to town to tell Lottie.
"The children are fed, Sarah. I'm going to teach you how to ride. I don't want to be presumptuous, but there's no harm in trying it out," Carson said with
a smile. Sarah wasn't sure. Being on a wagon was one thing but on a horse. Would she remember how to ride?
"My father had a horse, so I did ride as a child, but it's been so long. I do remember I wasn't a natural at it."
"It'll come back to you. It's quicker to ride than hitch a wagon in case of emergencies. I've saddled Tulip for you. She was Maggie's horse, so she's gentle and used to a woman handling her. I'll give you a leg up." Before Sarah could say anything, Carson had her on the horse. Billy and Jane looked at each other but said nothing.
She gently nudged Tulip who responded to her. Sarah was controlling the horse. Carson was right, it was coming back to her, and it felt good. It was better than she remembered.
"Walk her out that way and then circle back," Carson directed, and Sarah moved out. Sarah could hear Billy saying something to her, and she looked back to smile and wave at the children. But Sarah's inexperience meant she didn't notice Tulip's twitching ears. Something was spooking the horse, and she reared up and galloped off with Sarah still on her back.
"Billy, Jane, stay here," Carson said as he jumped onto his horse in pursuit of Sarah. Please, Lord, don't let anything happen to her. Not again, please don't deprive the children of another mother, he prayed. "Hang on, Sarah," he called out, but he knew there was no way Sarah could hear him. He could only watch as Tulip went to jump one of the fences he had created and this time, Sarah was thrown.
Carson screamed out as he watched Sarah land like one of Jane's rag-dolls when she threw it on the floor. He couldn't believe it when he saw blood coming from Sarah's head. What was wrong with this place? He ran to Sarah's side and cradled her head in his lap. But she wasn't dead. She was alive but unconscious. He felt relieved that at least she was breathing. Carson carried Sarah to his horse and rode back to the cabin. Tulip would find her way back home. He had to get the wound cleaned up.