Never Enough

by Elliott, Kelly

  “Oh, Brock.”

  His eyes filled with tears. “I don’t think I made her happy. She believed rumors I was cheating, no matter how many times I told her they weren’t true. I should have stopped riding and been with her. Showed her how much I loved her. But I didn’t. I picked bull riding over her. When Kaci picked me, I could see the distance Dirk put between us. He wouldn’t come around a whole lot, and when he did, it was hard for him not to look at my wife like she hung the moon.”

  “Is that why you were angry he asked me to dance? Because of the past the two of you share with Kaci?”

  “Yes . . . no. Hell, I don’t know. Maybe? You’re the first woman who’s made me feel anything, Lincoln. That both excites me and scares me. I’m in territory I haven’t been in for a while.”

  I knew how he felt, because I was experiencing the same feelings.

  “Seeing Dirk walking you out to the dance floor, it made me insanely jealous. It’s stupid, I know.”

  “It’s not stupid. Like you said, I got jealous seeing you with your cousin, and I told you to go dance.”

  Brock’s eyes met mine as he stood. “There’s more to it, Lincoln. I’m messed up. I’m carrying around a lot of guilt, and I swore to myself I would never let another woman into my heart. I don’t deserve to be loved . . . not after what I did.”

  Now it was my turn to stand up. “What? Why would you even say that?”

  He half shrugged. “I’ve got a dark side, Lincoln. Dirk would be the first to tell you that. I’ve done things I’m ashamed of, especially after . . .” His voice trailed off before he sighed and looked back into my eyes. “You’re the first woman I’ve ever felt something for.”

  My brows pulled in tightly. “Besides Kaci? You said you loved her.”

  His hands went into his pockets, and he looked sick to his stomach. As if what he was about to say physically made him ill. “I did love her, but probably not in the way she needed me to love her.”

  The way my heart was hammering in my chest made it hard for me to even hear Brock talking. He was barely above a whisper.

  “What do you feel . . . with me . . . that’s different from what you felt with Kaci?”

  Brock took a few steps closer.

  Everything inside my head was telling me to run. That Brock Shaw was going to hurt me like I’d never been hurt before. But my heart and these crazy feelings I felt for him had me rooted in place.

  “More.”

  “More?” I whispered.

  “When I walked into that barn the other day, I didn’t want to have anything to do with you. I wasn’t the least bit interested and was convinced my heart would never be able to feel things for a woman again. Everything inside me was angry and ready to lash out. But when I saw you standing there, talking to Blayze, it stopped me dead in my tracks. Your smile did something to me that has never happened before, and it threw me for a loop.

  “I vowed I wouldn’t fall for another woman, but Christ Almighty, Lincoln . . . I also never believed in falling for someone the moment I laid eyes on them, and you’re all I can think about. I mean, I’m not saying I’m in love with you, but I want more. I need more. I want to know everything about you. What makes you laugh, what movies make you cry, who your favorite actor is, what your favorite type of food is. I want to know more.”

  I swallowed hard. My mouth opened to speak, but I had no idea what to say. Brock’s confession was not what I had been expecting. His raw, honest truth moved me beyond words. Heat radiated through my chest, and I couldn’t help but notice my pulse quicken.

  “I know you said you weren’t looking to get into a relationship with anyone, and hell, I’m always gone, and my bull riding is one of the reasons my marriage failed. I’ve admitted I have some issues to work out . . . but I want more with you.”

  “You want to date?” I asked, finally finding my voice.

  He shrugged. “I don’t know. All I know is, the thought of some other guy asking you out nearly drives me fucking insane with jealousy. I loved being with you today, and I loved that Blayze enjoyed it even more.”

  I smiled. “I enjoyed today too.”

  Brock kicked at nothing on the floor. “Listen, I know there were a lot of people whispering today, and Lucy Mae may or may not be a problem.”

  Rolling my eyes, I groaned. “Great, the crazy ex-girlfriend from high school.”

  When he took another step closer to me, I held my breath.

  Is this something I can do? Is it something I want to do? I was new in town and hardly even settled in. Brock was leaving in a few days. How do you start a new relationship with someone when they’re always out on the road?

  His hands came up and gently cupped my cheeks. The way his baby-blue eyes searched my face had me taking hold of his arms to hold myself up.

  “Yes,” I softly said.

  Brock drew in his brows and asked, “Yes?”

  “I’ll go to Billings with you.”

  A breathtaking smile moved over his handsome face. Two seconds later, he was kissing me.

  In that moment, I knew I would give this man more.

  So much more.

  Chapter Thirteen

  BROCK

  My mother stared at me from across the barn. When I glanced over to her, she smiled. So, I smiled back.

  “Blayze said he really had fun at the fair the day before yesterday.”

  “It was fun.”

  “Linda Ryder stopped me in the store this morning to tell me she heard a rumor going around.”

  Leaning against the stall, I crossed my arms over my chest. “That right? People finally find out Ty can’t ride a horse for shit?”

  My mother chuckled and shook her head. “You’d better not let him hear you say that.”

  “He never could handle the truth.”

  “People are starting to talk about you and Lincoln.”

  “So?”

  Her brow lifted. “Is that a ‘So, I don’t care’ or a ‘So, what should I do about it’?”

  “Mama, it was a ‘I don’t give two shits about what people are saying.’”

  The way her eyes lit up made me laugh.

  “I knew it! Ty mentioned she and Kaylee were going with us to Billings. I was just hoping you’d be the first to tell me.”

  I grabbed the bag of oats sitting on the ground and headed back to the tack room. “Mama, don’t make a big deal out of this. I like her, and she likes me. We’re taking things slow. Just friends first.”

  “Friends who kiss in public? Don’t you hurt that girl, Brock Shaw, or I will have to break your legs.”

  “Damn, you’re scarier than the bull I drew for round one this weekend. And I have no intentions of hurting her.”

  “I’m happy you opened up to someone. I think it will be good for you.”

  I nodded. But a sudden squeeze of panic hit me square in the chest.

  “Talk to me, Brock. I see it in your eyes.”

  “What if she doesn’t like me being on the road all the time? At first she’s fine with it, but then . . .”

  “She demands for you to stop bull riding?”

  With a nod, I rubbed the back of my neck. “Or meets someone else. If I’m not here, how will I keep her happy?”

  “Don’t compare this girl to Kaci, Brock. That isn’t fair for either of you.”

  “I’m not.”

  Her brow lifted.

  “She’s nothing like Kaci.”

  Making her way over to me, my mother placed her hand on my arm and gave it a squeeze. “You’re never going to be able to move on until you forgive yourself and realize you are not to blame.”

  My heart ached in my chest. “I let her down, like I had so many times before. She didn’t think I was going to show up. She knew I put that bull before her that night. She died knowing I hadn’t put her first, Mama. How am I ever supposed to forgive myself for that?”

  “It was tragic, but you didn’t cause Kaci to die.”

  I nodded and took a step
back. “I’m going to go for a ride before it’s time to leave. I told Lincoln I’d pick her and Kaylee up around ten.”

  “Okay,” my mother replied softly.

  After thirty minutes of riding, I slipped off my horse and sat on the ground against a tree. I was out in the north pasture and had a straight view of Lincoln’s house. The house I had remodeled for the happy family I’d thought I would have someday.

  Closing my eyes, I went back four years to that day.

  My bull was fourth up. Bending down, I closed my eyes and blocked everyone out as I said a prayer.

  Standing, I took a few deep breaths before heading down and putting my bull rope over Midnight Ride. This bull was a beast and hadn’t been ridden in his last ten outs.

  By the time he was in the chute, I was jumping out of my skin, waiting to crawl on him. They were at a commercial break, so I had a few extra minutes to get myself in the right frame of mind.

  Dirk stood there, waiting for me to crawl onto the back of the bull. Right before I did, Kendall Schmidt came running up.

  “Brock! Your mother called. Kaci went into labor.”

  I frowned, and so did Dirk.

  “She’s not due for another few weeks,” I replied.

  Kendall grinned. “Well, sometimes these things don’t always go as planned. Your mom said you need to head back. There’s a complication. I’m not sure what. But as of right now, both Kaci and the baby are okay. If you leave now, you could take Bob’s helicopter and be there in an hour.”

  I looked down and thought about it. It was only eight seconds.

  “I’ll go after my ride.”

  Dirk’s head snapped my way as Kendall looked horrified. “What?”

  “I’m almost up. I’ll go after.”

  “What in the hell are you talking about?” Dirk asked, pushing me on the chest as I started to climb over the rail. “Brock, your wife is in labor, and you’re going to ride?”

  “She said Kaci and the baby are okay. I need this ride.”

  “You need to be getting your ass on the helicopter!”

  I ignored him as I climbed on top of the bull.

  Dirk backed away, leaving Bob, the contractor and owner of Midnight Ride, to help tighten the bull strap.

  When I glanced up, I saw Dirk was leaving. He stripped off his vest and started down the steps away from the chutes.

  I knew he was pissed at me for not putting Kaci first, but I had to ride this bull. If I won, that would mean a lot of money for me and Kaci; we’d be sitting really nice financially. Dirk didn’t see that side of things. He only saw me putting bull riding over Kaci. But I was thinking about our future.

  It was only a few more minutes. What would it hurt?

  After getting my hand in position and digging in, I nodded, and the gate opened. Midnight Ride was a left-hand delivery, and he turned away from my hand. He jumped up like someone had just shot him in the ass. He tried every direction, every move he had in him, but I held on for the full eight seconds. My hand was caught for a brief moment before I got it out and jumped down to the ground. The bull tried to hook me, but I scrambled out of the way. The sounds of the crowd going wild had me smiling. I took off my helmet and threw it up in the air.

  “Brock Shaw, the Montana native, just rode an eighty-nine point five, folks. You have a new leader here in Billings!”

  I couldn’t believe it. Not only had I stayed on and had a qualifying ride, but I’d also scored decent. When I looked up into the chutes, I expected to see Dirk before remembering he had taken off.

  Kaci.

  Grabbing my bull rope from Sam, the bullfighter, I got my helmet and hightailed it out of the arena. I was stopped by Kim, a CBS reporter, who asked how I felt about the ride.

  “I feel great. I need to go, though. My wife is in labor.”

  Everyone started yelling out, and I quickly located Kendall.

  “Hey, I’m ready to go if Bob is still willing to let me use the helicopter.”

  She nodded. “Dirk wanted to use it and leave you behind, but Bob said no.”

  Hell, Dirk was more pissed than I’d thought. I wasn’t surprised, though.

  Dirk was waiting in the helicopter, a pair of headphones over his ears. When I climbed on, Kendall handed me her phone.

  “Brock? Are you on your way?” my mother asked.

  “Yes, how is she?”

  “Pissed you rode.”

  My head turned to look at Dirk, who was currently texting someone on his phone.

  “How did she find out?” I asked, still staring at my best friend.

  “Dirk called.”

  “Of course he did,” I grumbled. The idea that my best friend would call my wife and tell her I rode had anger boiling in my veins. He could be pissed, but it was low to do that to me.

  “Now is not the time, Brock. The baby is putting a lot of strain on Kaci. She’s having a very hard time pushing.”

  “I’ll be there soon.”

  Bob had arranged for a driver to be there to pick us up upon landing. Dirk still hadn’t uttered a single word to me. I couldn’t blame him, in a way. He would have never put a bull before Kaci. Internally, I already hated myself and wished I could go back in time.

  Why in the hell did I ride? What was I thinking? I could tell myself it was for our future, but was that really the reason?

  As we rushed into the hospital, Dirk was on my heels the entire time.

  “Kaci Shaw?” I asked, rushing up to the desk. “I’m her husband.”

  The nurse nodded and motioned for me to follow her.

  When I opened the door, I saw the doctor holding up the baby. Kaci dropped back on the bed and turned her head to look at me. I smiled as I glanced at the baby and then back to her.

  Kaci returned my smile, but I saw the disappointment in her eyes. It nearly gutted me.

  She reached out for my hand and said weakly, “Brock, we have a son.”

  Those were her last words to me.

  I looked down at the baby boy the nurse was currently handing to me. My heart was instantly filled with so much love. “Baby, you did so good. Look at how beautiful he is!”

  “Kaci? Kaci? Kaci!” my mother screamed, as I turned to see my wife lying lifeless on the bed.

  Everything happened so fast. The baby was taken from me and rushed out of the room while the doctor began giving CPR to Kaci and my mother cried out for someone to tell us what was happening.

  An hour later, long after they had ushered us out of the room, the doctor came out and told me that Kaci had died from what was most likely a blood clot that had traveled to her heart or brain.

  I stumbled back into a chair and buried my face in my hands.

  My wife died, and the last thing I did was pick a bull over her and our baby.

  Dirk lost it and started screaming at me, saying it was my fault that she’d died, that the stress of the labor and me not being there had caused her to die.

  It wasn’t true, but in that moment, I knew I would carry that sentence with me for the rest of my life. Those words would be my scarlet letter—my self-inflicted punishment for not being the husband my wife needed me to be.

  That night, I’d vowed to never let another woman into my heart again. And, besides the occasional one-night stand, I had kept that vow.

  That is, until I had seen Lincoln Pratt.

  As I stared at the little white house, hope bloomed once again in my chest. It had been so many years since I’d felt it. Since I’d allowed myself to think I deserved love again. All because of Lincoln. Even though I was scared as hell, I dared to believe that I might be getting a second chance.

  Chapter Fourteen

  BROCK

  “You invited her to Billings?” Dirk asked, looking at me like I had grown five heads.

  “Yes.”

  His eyes were wide. “Lincoln?”

  I nodded.

  He smiled slightly. “Holy shit, you like her. You really like this girl.”

  With a shr
ug, I threw my duffel bag and rigging bag into the bed of the truck. Blayze, Lincoln, Kaylee, and I were driving to Billings in Ty’s truck. I normally flew back to wherever the tour was, but with it being so close to home, this would give me more time with Blayze. And Lincoln.

  “I can’t believe it. I mean, dude, this is huge. How do you feel about her?”

  Stopping, I turned to face him. “I like her—a lot. That scares the shit out of me.”

  His eyes looked sad as he placed his hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “I can’t pretend to know what all was going on with you and Kaci at the end, but I know she loved you, and you loved her.”

  Shaking my head, I sighed. “I should have stepped aside for you to have a chance with her.”

  “If you had stepped to the side, I would have thought for the rest of my life that I’d been her second choice. That she had loved you more than me. Dude, either way, we both got hurt. It’s time to leave it in the past, Brock. For both of us.”

  We looked at one another, neither of us saying a word for a few moments.

  “I know I’ve told you this before, but I never meant what I said that day at the hospital. I was angry. I know you regret making that decision, and dude, it’s time to forgive yourself and let it go. Even if you hadn’t ridden, the same outcome would have happened.”

  I didn’t respond to him as I looked out over the mountains. I knew he was right, about everything.

  The screen door to my folks’ place slammed shut. Dirk and I both turned to see Ty walking down the steps. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days.

  “You feeling okay?” I asked as he tossed his bag into the back of the truck.

  “Yeah, my leg is giving me some trouble, but it’s all good.”

  Dirk and I glanced at each other.

  “You don’t have to go if the drive is going to bother you.”

  Ty laughed. “Nah, I took something. I’m good.”