by E. M. Bernal
“Okay, sure.” I reacted quickly and smiled as if I was interested the whole time. Melissa looked happy and relieved that I was finally becoming a real part of the group. I kept glancing over to see if Robert would appear, but he never showed. His other side kicks were missing too, even though his sister, Trisha was there with her friends. She almost caught me looking over in their direction, but I pretended something was in my hair and looked back towards our table.
Lunch went by quickly thereafter. The class bell seemed to come too soon. As usual, it reminds me that you have to keep moving but this time I didn’t want to move.
******
History class was coming up and I went straight there, believing I didn’t need to go to my locker after lunch. I sat down to settle in at my desk when a ton of frustration arose. I realized I brought the wrong book when I looked down at the one I had. I checked the time to see if I could make it over to my locker before the start bell.
“Uh, hi…” I signaled the teacher before I got to the door. “I’m sorry, I grabbed the wrong book. Be right back…” She looked at me with disappointment. “Hurry back Miss Clarvoy…” Calling me by my last name was a sign that I better be quick.
“Thanks, I’ll be right back. Promise!”
I started walking briskly in my heeled boots, which didn’t help. Two hallways down they started to hurt, but I was almost there, just one more corner over. Suddenly an unexpected coincidence occurred, Robert was at his locker one hallway prior to mine, late to his class too, I guess. He looked over at me as I came closer in his direction. My heart started to beat a little faster along with a rush of confidence that I was trying to muster. I decided that this time I was going to be brave enough to smile and say hi since we can’t seem to mix normally in class or anywhere else.
Okay, who was I kidding??? I looked at the ground! BUT…
“Hello…” He shockingly said first.
My first thought was, don’t be late to class, then time started to slip. “Hello. How are you?” My words felt like slow motion for a few seconds. I slowed my walk in my tracks, almost completely stopping.
“Did you forget something?” His said in a majorly sexy voice. He’s definitely not my type, I kept repeating to myself. But, in reality, this moment was so breath taking that I completely forgot I was dressed up. Nor did I look around to make sure someone from my group wasn’t watching. I had to admit that something about him was so intriguing. It wasn’t just his cute face, radicle hair, or even his gray-blue eyes, not to mention, I don’t understand why he dressed in black all the time, but there was definitely something. Something that made me wanna…
“Well???” He asked softly, but with anticipation, which finally made me answer after staring in a daze.
“Yeah.” I responded nervously. “I forgot my book, but I told the teacher I would be right back.” I decided to start walking again, not knowing what else to say. To my surprise, he followed me until I reached my locker. He was so close I could feel an intense energy between us, but I was avoiding face to face. As I turned towards my locker, I couldn’t open it. Like a nervous little girl, I couldn’t remember the combination.
“You’re dressed different today… and your hair…” He started to say but I didn’t let him finish.
“Um, I know… I thought I’d try to care for once… you know?” I answered the question to prevent him from digging deeper, but without looking directly at him. I started to wonder if the only reason he was talking to me was because the hallway was empty. Wait… or, was that the only reason I was okay with talking to him?
“Which book did you forget?” Robert asked, allowing me to change the subject.
“History… it’s for history…” I nervously repeated. I wanted to walk off, but I was blocked by him, and even though it was in a non-threating way, I felt trapped.
When I finally had the courage to look up, I was intrigued by how much taller he was than me. But that also made me face him 5 inches away from my face. He must have immaculate confidence to get that close to me, but no part of me wanted to push him away. His eyes captivated me. I smiled for a split second, but my nerves made my courageous smile disappear as quickly as it emerged.
“You look nice, but you were just as beautiful with the simple stuff too, you know?” He stated without sounding rude, but my insecurities still wanted to question it. I also feared asking him about Drexy. She was in the back of my mind the whole time. I ultimately stayed quite with those concerns.
I kept my phrases short, avoiding exposure of my nerves being off the charts.
“I have to get back to class…” I pleaded with him.
“Okay.” Robert stated with no rebuttal. He immediately moved out of my way with a comforting smile but the promise to my teacher was now broken. More than 5 minutes have passed with all this intense staring and short conversation. I ran back to my class with 100 different thoughts of what just happened. But, what did just happen??? What did it mean???
I was 15 minutes late and sure enough, my teacher gave me detention. But, that was worth it for sure.
******
Later that week, Robert and I saw each other in class and in the hallways here and there, but he didn’t make any attempts, other than a few smiles for the rest of the week. So, as shy as I can only be, I pretended it didn’t happen. Then, the weekend came too quickly, and this particular Friday was results-week for our grades. Mine were looking good as usual. I was excited to tell Unity, considering we were speaking normally now, and there were no more fights. However, I always made great grades, regardless of what went on at home. So, she won’t be surprised, but maybe I’ll mention it to her anyway. In fact, now that Luke is not in the way, she seems to pay attention to me more instead of wondering who he’s with, or where he is at. I also noticed she wasn’t spending a lot of time in her room alone, which was exciting.
I started reading a few instructions that were suggested on my graded papers when the school bell went off before heading home for the day. I rolled my eyes because now that the weekend was here. I thought about cleaning my car, but, somehow I knew that was not going to happen as usual.
“Hey! What you going to do?” A text from Melissa came in.
“Nothing, I’m headed home. I really need to clean my car, but that will take a miracle.” I replied with a disappointed emoticon.
“Girl, come out.” Melissa tried one last desperate attempt by text.
“I’m good. You guys have fun!” I responded with a smiley face, but with a sad one in my thoughts, knowing that I broke the promise I had made to them.
She got the hint, and our text went silent.
******
I sat in my room thinking about Robert West.
Why was I dreaming about him? Why didn’t we talk after our locker conversation? Why do I like him? Do I like him???
I believe my dream was making me curious, instead of it being anything relevant. Why has this strange guy caught my attention instead of all the other boys there? I just didn’t understand what I was feeling when I saw him. I hated feeling confused. I was scared. But, scared of what? I still didn’t know. What I did know is that the group of friends I made didn’t like his group, and that was frustrating at times.
I was getting tired and surely needed to put my thoughts to rest. I grabbed my cell to Bluetooth some music from Pandora through my speaker that sat on my desk. I laid back on my bed to look up at the ceiling. My music library consisted mostly of old stuff, except for a few artists, like Post Malone, but I didn’t feel like the new stuff. When I accidently fingered something in the phone, one of my favorite groups came on. Candle Box, it started to play Far Behind. I started to lip synch…It reminded me of music my parents use to listen to back in Denver, but now I could listen to it without feeling suicidal.
Even though I couldn’t imagine I would ever be sane again after the trauma Unity and Luke put me through, there was a glimpse of hope through these last few months. Well, with the exception of the b
ig fight I had with Unity. However, I have come to terms that I went from living on auto pilot to feeling little somethings here and there. Especially in a new home, a more welcoming home. Feeling anything was something I have never wanted to do before. But, now when the feelings creeped up on me, I’m started to manage them better and better.
The dark sky set in and the moon started to shine through my bedroom curtains. It became a friend of mine every night, always hitting me from the same window. It was peaceful when my eyes set upon it. I left my curtains open to welcome it in. And, for one, there was no homework to do today, having to interact with the group, and no Robert to worry about during moments like these. Being alone felt good in many ways once I let the thoughts go. The weekend couldn’t have passed any faster than it did. I didn’t wash my car, but I did get to clean my room and have dinner with my mom on Saturday night. So, it was a good weekend after all.
Diary 5
Feeling Good
Back to school again…
I hadn’t been out with the group from school not once, and I really wanted to change that. Plus, this whole new wardrobe thing; I’m feeling stronger. As the week passed, I wanted to begin the process of more change. So, here’s my effort..
When I finally arrived to my classroom, I spotted Melissa at her desk doing some reading.
“Hey woman…” I demanded her attention softly.
She smiled and stopped reading to look up.
“I was thinking, you guys are going out again this weekend, right?” Melissa looked at me curiously, as if I asked a strange question. She stayed silent with her gracious stare. I tugged her shoulder, begging for an answer.
“Yeah, of course, why? You’re coming???” She stated a sarcastic, but hopeful question.
“I’m definitely going to make it out with you guys.” I quickly replied.
“What, really…REALLY???” Melissa didn’t believe me.
“Yes, I want to go.” I said while pulling my hair up front to play-flirt. Melissa smiled at me, but then grabbed my arm. “We are going to have some fun.” She said with excitement in her eyes.
I nodded to agree. The teacher began talking and I turned back to pay attention. It seemed like only minutes passed when the annoying bell rang. I don’t know why… but I couldn’t pay attention. I quickly grab my bag and books, headeding out after waving by to Melissa.
When I graduate, the happiest moment in my life will not be that school is done. It will be not having to hear that loud annoying school bell ever again.
******
My outfits were getting better and better as the days passed and the groove of the group seemed to grow on me. I was hanging with them a lot more around the school grounds. I still wasn’t getting along with Drexy, but I just kept a clear distance in the same vicinity. And, no more dreams occurred or came to me about Robert. But it made me sad when I really thought about it, because it seemed like the end of our rendezvous. And, in reality, a part me wondered if we would ever speak again.
******
Friday was finally here.
I closed up my books and heard the teacher make one last comment about our homework due Monday. The bell rang over her voice and everyone was already up from their seats. But, it was the last class of the day and the bell didn’t seem as annoying. I waited to leave until the teacher finished, even though everyone else ran out as if she wasn’t saying anything at all.
I headed to my locker.
My book bag was heavy, and I held it on my shoulder while carrying my red peacoat. I take my peacoat every day just in case the sun doesn’t come out, and the weather drops, even though it has been getting warmer now. But, it didn’t matter, I loved that peacoat even though it was from Luke. Somehow it reminded me, that maybe, somewhere deep down he cared about me. Not that it mattered, I thought.
When I passed the people from my group by their lockers, I waved and mentioned that I would see them Saturday. I don’t think they believed me because each one waved back without a response. When I got to the exit of the building, I saw a guy standing by my car. Believe it or not, it was Robert West. My eyes widened and my heart skipped, forcing me to freeze at the door, making some guy from behind, trying to leave almost bump into me.
“Ah, you okay?” The tall thin guy said while staring at me with caution.
“Ah, yeah, sorry…” I said and got out of his way.
I started giving myself instructions. Okay, Veracity, walk towards the car. But, I wasn’t moving and he still hadn’t seen me yet. He was lost in his phone, leaning on my car door.
Would you go already? I scolded myself. I took a deep breath and started walking. I wanted say something clever to sound normal, but everything I came up with sounded like something only an idiot would say. I decided to let him do the talking first since he did it the last time. I looked back to see if anyone from the group was around. Especially Drexy or Melissa. Melissa would’ve asked me what was going on for sure and I really didn’t have an explanation since I didn’t even know. Thankfully, this school was huge, and the parking lots were scattered.
I was still thinking of what to do. I was confused and happy at the same time when I walked finally over.
“Hey Veracity. It’s VER-AC- CITY, right? Robert said in slow motion. I nodded my head to confirm.
“Robert…” I shortly responded. Sounding like a shy introverted girl, but I still managed to look in his eyes when I said it.
“I’ve been meaning to talk to you. I’m sorry that I act strange around you. I guess I get nervous, but sometimes you look at me like you want to be left alone.”
Things became clearer in my mind after he said that. I offered a closed smile and nodded no because it was the only thing my nerves would allow me to do.
“So… I was thinking maybe you and I could hang out sometime? Maybe this weekend?” He asked without hesitation.
“Oh, I would, but the guys invited me to go over to the theater with them, and some garden. Moonlight Theater…I think”
“Yeah I know the place. It’s the hunted theater.” Robert confirmed.
“Haunted?” I questioned with confusion.
“I don’t know, there’s a lot of different stories. This city has all kinds of folklore, just talk, I guess…” Robert blew off the explanation as he explained.
At some point, we both leaned against my car facing each other, but not too close. We weren’t saying much but we didn’t want to say goodbye either it seemed. He didn’t seem nervous, but I know we both were.
“Did you need a ride home?” I decided to break the silence.
“Oh, no, my trucks over there. I was going to head home in a little bit. Waiting for my sisters to come out.” He answered with appreciation.
“Oh, that’s right, you have a sister here. I remember Melissa told me.”
“Yeah, one is my twin, and the other is my youngest but she’s in ninth. Trisha and Nevaeh.” Robert confirmed a second sister that I didn’t know of.
“Oh, Trisha’s your twin?”
“Yeah, the one with the same color eyes and purple/black hair.” Robert answered, but only looking at me seconds apart as if he was distracted. Apparently, looking to see if his sisters were coming out.
I wanted to give him a compliment right then, or flirt, but I was still holding back.
“I’ll introduce them to you soon.” Robert said.
“You would?” I was surprised he offered.
“What do you mean?” Robert sounded confused.
“Well, we just seem so separate in groups.” I replied, hoping he would clear up the Drexy issue.
“Oh, don’t worry about all that stuff. I think people are just immature.” He blew off my question instead. It was none of my business, so I returned to silence.
“So, if you’re going to do that on Saturday, what about Sunday?” I was glad he didn’t hesitate to keep trying. I smiled but a part of me was worried about hanging out with him. I looked around again to make sure no one was watching.
No one was, and I mustered up some bravery.
“Sure… Sunday.” I smiled.
“I better get going…” Robert said as his eyes glanced in the direction of the school doors.
“Okay…” I replied with a nod. When I looked back, I saw his sisters walking out.
At this point I didn’t know whether I thought he was boyfriend material, or if I was just curious what he was about. Maybe just intrigued by the mystery that surrounded him. Whatever it is, he got a yes out of me, which was odd. It also simultaneously made me remember that I needed to clean my car for 112th time. What if we have to take mine when we go out? I rolled my eyes, hoping that wouldn’t be the case.
******
When I arrived home, I stayed in the driveway thinking. I felt really good after the conversation with Robert. It made me reflect that my life was changing a little each day. I had been reading books about changing the mindset that I bought at the mall, and I think they are working. I started to realize when new opportunities come, and you take them, they make you feel better inside, even with the risk involved. I’ve learned that I need to stop allowing fear to make my decisions for me. Life is not meant to be easy, and I know I can do better now because Luke’s energy is out of my life. Beautiful, happy and confident. That is what I wanted to be. Maybe that is what Robert sees. Maybe that is what I can finally see in the mirror now. I know he likes me and maybe I should just admit I like him too, instead of questioning it. One of my other goals was to finally get closer to Unity. Luke would never let us get close, but now he can’t stop me. And I want to believe she is trying to change too. I might even start calling her mom in my head, instead of Unity one day.