by E. M. Bernal
“Why did you disappear in the theater like that?”
He continued to apologize. I guess I raised my voice because a couple passed by and looked at me funny, but I ignored them. He kept insisting to lower my voice and to sit back down.
“I’ll explain in a minute.” He said and nodded his head as a promise.
“How did you know about this party?” I continued to probe him.
“This is one my favorite places.” He answered as if he didn’t do anything creepy.
“Are you with someone here?” He asked me with a little concern.
“Where did you come from?” I didn’t allow him to ask. I still wanted answers.
“I’ve been here the whole time; you didn’t see me? I saw you from a distance and I came around the back of the garden. I guess you drifted off into thought because I tried to get your attention, but you just ignored me.” He explained but made absolutely not one bit of sense.
I was tired of asking, so I let it go.
“City right?” Ren asked.
“Yes.”
“I’m Ren.”
“Yes, I remember…” I said with a sigh.
“Nice to meet you.” I said trying to shake his hand. But, again, he backed away.
“You want to see this place? It’s beautiful… The lake is behind here, down that dirt road behind the stone rocks and purple flowers.” Ren pointed to it when he spoke.
“Sure, let me tell my friends. I stood back up.”
“No, don’t.” He insisted.
I looked back at him.
“Why?” I recanted, but nicely.
“Because I don’t want them to know we’re going.” He said strangely.
I crossed my arms worried.
“OK, are you a serial killer and planning to kill me???”
“No, I promise you can trust me.” He assured.
The crazy part is that I have only known him for less than 24 hours, but I felt safe. It was something I could not explain. I felt like I’ve known him forever and looking at him was almost like looking at somebody I was in love with. But how could that be? Is this what they call, love at first sight?
“OK, let’s go.” I said and took the risk.
“Follow me.” He didn’t grab my hand or get near me, which annoyed me a bit. I tried grabbing onto his arm, but he moved forward very quickly. I was pushed off by it, but I didn’t try again. I simply followed him and didn’t look back.
We went down the dark dirt trail with the purple flowers, which were following in a group that had a lucent color against the moon light. I was watching him walk and wondered he forgot I was behind him. But, he started looking back, smiling after a few seconds to make sure I was keeping up.
“Where are we going?” I realized maybe I should have asked earlier.
“Come on, keep coming…” He waved to signal me.
“You’re starting to scare me. Please tell me what we’re doing.” I insisted but kept following.
“I’m going to show you right now, promise…The garden doesn’t stretch much further, but it runs into the lake close by.” I squinted my eyes, “The lake?” I tried to see it at the same time I was taking slow steps trying not to trip over any rocks. I heard the kids talk about it and had been wondering where it was, so this may be interesting after all. It was kind of spooky because there was nothing that look like it connected to a lake, but after a minute or two, the flowers started fading into all grass and I could see water. It then preceded to make you head up a slight hill and then there it was! A serene moonlighted lake that looked incredibly romantic. A small brisk of wind moved my hair but the temperature was cool and comforting. The water sparkled and had rainbow of colors glittering, reflecting off the garden.
“Wow…” I said as my eyes started to glaze over. “This is absolutely beautiful.”
Ren looked at me and smiled. “I told you…”
We looked at each other and for that moment, I felt like I finally met someone I belonged next to. I wanted to kiss him. I’ve never had a real kiss before, and this is perfect, but it was scary to try. I started gravitating towards him, regardless of the fear. But, when I went towards him, he moved back.
“Why do you do that?” Insecurities ran though me. “Why do you move back every time I get near you?” I questioned twice.
I’m not trying to take advantage of you.” He said to console me, but it didn’t.
“I don’t think you’re trying to take advantage of me. I don’t drink, so don’t…”
“No, no… it’s not that. You’re a good soul City.” He interrupted.
“How would you know that?” I replied confused.
“Because I just know. I don’t know why I feel so compelled to be around you and I shouldn’t be here now.” He said, confusing again but it was an instantaneous feeling at the theater, so I believed him.
“I feel something when I am around you.” I suddenly said without hesitation. I couldn’t believe that just came out of my mouth. We just stared at each other, and with all my heart I wanted to touch him badly, but I knew he didn’t want me to.
“Let’s sit down and just talk okay?” He said, not acknowledging my statement.
I assumed he wanted to take it slow. I’m the one that should want to take it slow, but his rejection made me want him even more. It was like a spell had been put over me.
There was a beautiful tree near the water, and we decided to relax there. Not close to each other but close enough.
“How do you like the city?” Ren asked. It felt like he knew I wasn’t from here, even though we never got a chance to finish our conversation at the theater.
“It’s definitely different. I’m just glad I made some friends and things are starting to get better than my life back in Denver.” I answered with candor for the first time in my life.
“Look better?” He became curious.
“I had some serious issues with my parents. I didn’t want to live anymore back in Denver to tell you the truth.” Ren just nodded and listened as I almost gave a hint of my suicidal tendencies.
“My parents are selfish and somewhat crazy, but they finally got a divorce. She loves him more than me. It is hard to love her sometimes because she doesn’t even know I exist. My dad took over her soul and he’s bad guy. A really bad guy.” It came spilling out of me with no fear of judgement. It was the first time in my life someone made me feel like it was okay not to be okay.
“What do you mean you didn’t want to be here?” Ren said with caution but curiosity.
“I tried to commit suicide. I grab my mom’s pills and downed 25 of them with her bottle of vodka.” I answered with sadness, but I was relived to tell someone out loud. And, to my surprise he wasn’t shocked. He just kept listening. I couldn’t believe I had just said that to him. I’ve never told anybody how I felt about Unity or Luke in my entire life. I hardly even spoke any of my feelings to my grandma and I considered her close, but then again, Grandma Amelia must be physic because she always already knew.
“My grandma found me in the restroom with the empty prescription bottle. And, she took me to the hospital. I obviously made it.”
“Do you still want to just let go? Ren asked.
“Let go?” I looked at him to clear up what he meant.
“You know, come to the other side? Die?” Ren said with no feeling.
I didn’t want to sound like a nut, but I answered truthfully. “I don’t know…” I looked down at the ground when I answered.
Ren stared for a minute and decided to change the subject.
“Listen, I was wondering if you’d like to do something with me alone sometime, I know you have to get back to your friends.”
“Ya, give me your number?” I ask to agree.
“Well, listen, I’ll come back and find you.” Again, he sounded confusing.
“What do you mean? You’re not going to give me your number?”
“Don’t worry, I can find you.” He tried to assure me.
<
br /> “How are you going to find me? I’m not giving you my address…” I rambled.
“No, I don’t want your address. Considering the connection, I’m feeling with you, I seriously doubt I’ll need it.” Ren winked at me. I didn’t know what he meant by that but somehow I knew he was right.
“Let me walk you back down to the garden so you can be with your friends.” He suggested, and again, I followed.
I wanted to live in the moment with him forever. It felt safe and exciting. I was anticipating the moment we would meet again. I turned around to thank him when we started to hear the music clearly and I could see my friends as we got closer, but just like the first time that day, he was gone. This guy was like a ghost. Either that or I’m losing my mind. Unity would definitely tell me I was on an old TV series called The Twilight Zone.
Melissa spotted me right away, almost frantic! OMG, we’ve been looking all over for you, where did you go?”
“Oh, my friend Ren was showing me the lake.”
“Ren? The lake? That is far up the hill, are you crazy? Wait… the guy from the theater? He was here?” Melissa was still in dismay, using her hands to show how dramatic she can become when she gets scared.
“Yes.” I confirmed.
“Where is he?” She looked around to ask.
“I don’t know where he went.” I answered, thinking how weird that sounded.
“City, are you OKAY???”
“I’m not making him up. And, I’m fine.” I grab her hands to calm her down, offering assurance.
“He keeps disappearing on me. I don’t know how, and I don’t know why. You said this place was haunted, maybe he’s a ghost.” I thought of something witty to avoid sounding crazy. We broke out in a laugh. She put her arm around me to hug, which signaled she was over it.
“Come one, let’s go dance.” The music they played had a techno beat, making me encourage the thought. I look backed one more time without her noticing. But… nothing.
******
When I got home that night. I had no dreams, but my thoughts were filled. There was something off, but I just didn’t know what. I wanted to drift off to sleep quickly, but I was still restless at 2:30 am, then it hit me, shit! Robert… I’m supposed to see Robert tomorrow.
JUST FRIENDS
Diary 8
The next morning, I washed up and even though I didn’t have strange dreams, Ren was still on my mind. I had to realize that I barely knew him, and that it didn’t matter. But, in reality, it did. It uncontrollably did. I started feeling guilty about these feelings because today, I’m with Robert, but my thoughts are with Ren. Nevertheless, Robert picks me up 3 pm.
It was only 11:00 am, but I needed to clean my room AGAIN, and find an outfit for tonight after a hot shower. I put my hair in a ponytail and threw on some comfortable clothes. I stared at my room for about 3 minutes, wondering if this date was a good move. But, I brushed off the worry and reminded myself that the room took priority, and that the date was already done.
I turned on my blue-tooth to shuffle through some jams. A sappy love song called One More Night came on, and I started to groove.
******
I finally got around to getting dressed. But, I realized that I had not eaten all day and I was starving. OMG, I’m going to look like a pig. Maybe I should stuff an apple in my mouth, I thought. I quickly looked at the clock again, and it was now 2:45 pm. YES! I had enough time to grab an apple from downstairs. Right before I went down, I stopped to pause in front of the long mirror in my room. I had on my new high-heeled, dressy black combat boots with a sexy black dress that had a light red strip on the side.
I definitely looked ready for a date. I smiled. I know he liked combat boots, so he should like these. As you can read, I am getting better at giving compliments to myself.
Suddenly, I heard a loud engine coming up my driveway. I ran to look out the window. A large shiny black truck, decked in silver lining and rim chrome tires pulled up, which made me forget about the apple. I smiled because it suited him. As many times as I had seen Robert in the parking lot, I never saw what he drove. He was a hot guy with a hot truck. Tonight, should be interesting.
“City!” I could hear Unity yelling from downstairs.
“Give me some time here. I’m trying to finish getting ready!” I was ready, but not ready to go downstairs.
What was I doing? Was this a good thing? Considering my group doesn’t really socialize with his group, this is scary. Maybe I should have canceled. But, he was at my front porch. The damage was done, I thought. Go downstairs, go downstairs. Veracity be confident for once, I repeated to myself.
“Would you be so kind to let him in!” I yelled from the stair hallway, trying to erase my thoughts and force myself to go downstairs.
“Yeah honey. No problem.” Unity opened the front door to let Robert in. I wondered what Unity would think about his earring. But then again, Unity was not judgmental. She’s a lot of things, but unkind to other people she was not. I slowly came down the stairs. Robert was sitting on the couch drinking a bottled water she must have gave him. I cleared my throat lightly when I approached.
“Hello…” I barely muttered.
He smiled in return and that always suited him well with those pearly teeth and chiseled jaw. I took a breath when we went into a silent stare for a moment. Unity was watching us from the other side of the couch with a somewhat-shocked look on her face. Looking back and forth speechless, she finally said something, “Well, let me give you some privacy.” She dashed off without saying another word.
I felt bad for a second.
“Mom?”
She walked towards her room and waived me off with one last sentence before she disappeared. “No, no, go-ahead honey. You guys have fun!”
When I looked back at Robert, we obviously didn’t know what to say but he finally broke the silence. “Thank you for coming out with me today. I was waiting and waiting for this.”
I got closer to him to make sure I heard him correctly. “What do you mean?” I asked.
“I saw you come in on the first day of school. I saw you walk into the building.” He offered some clarity.
“Really? I didn’t see you until I got to the cafeteria.” I responded curiously.
“I’ll explain more in the truck, but I definitely saw you and I am glad I’m finally here.”
My mind started remembering all the dreams I had about him before this moment. I was too scared to tell him. What if he thought I was crazy? I decided not to say, or ask anything else.
He prompted me to walk out to his truck.When I walked up, I saw a little mini step-stoop to climb up. He was behind me with his hand out to help me in.
“The tires are bigger than your truck.” I joked.
“You like, or don’t?” He asked not sure what I meant.
“Oh, no, LOVE…” I assured him and we both smiled when he helped me in.
He definitely likes me, but what am I feeling? There I go again. Shut up Veracity. Who cares? LIVE IN THE MOMENT. I scolded my private thoughts.
He hopped in on the driver’s side and asked me to put on my seatbelt. I looked at him with a smirk.
“I’m a little protective, I’m sorry.” He justified the demand.
“No problem. I appreciate you Robert.” I replied with gratitude; besides I was just joking.
‘You don’t like ROB instead of Robert?” He questioned before he turned the key in the ignition.
“Nope.” I said without hesitation.
“Okay, then...” He said with a closed smile to accept my answer.
He turned the key and shifted the gear to reverse but not before he turned on Pearl Jam loud and clear. I was impressed. Older bands are cooler in some cases, especially hits songs like Better Man. I liked him. I definitely liked him.
The scene in Portland was very cool. I leaned my head back, looking out the window, appreciating the city as we drove. But, my thoughts took another turn, even though Robert, a good guy
, was right next to me. I felt happy right now. But, why was it so easy to for me to open up to Ren and not Robert? Why did he keep disappearing? Would he really look for me? Is there something else between this stranger and I? It was a mystery that I could not solve now, and I reminded myself to stay focused on Robert. But, it was hard, and hopefully I can see Ren soon to clear this emotional confusion. I then looked over at Robert. Come back to reality Veracity, I told myself.
“So, where are we headed?” I asked.
“Lord of the Wings. Best place in town.” Robert assured me.
“I’m game.” I responded with anticipation and hunger.
When we arrived at the restaurant, I was impressed. It bright, huge, and busy. It must be one of the best places in Portland as he suggested. The waitress pointed to an empty two-seater. After she seated us, she handed us two glasses of water that she was carrying with menus. I opened mine without hesitation and she sat us close each other, catty corner. He eventually tried to grab my hand, but I wasn’t ready for that. I liked him for sure, but I didn’t know why or how just yet. I smiled and adjusted my hand to grab my glass of water. He looked at me but didn’t say a word. Yet, the energy didn’t change. I think he understood.
“So, tell me, what did you mean earlier?”
“Well, look at you City.” He said as if I should know the answer.
“What?” I didn’t want to seem conceited or assume.