by E. M. Bernal
“O, come on, it’s quite obvious that you’re gorgeous.” I looked at him but was still waiting for the real answer.
“Okay… so, I was walking in from one of the side hallways in our maze of a school. I saw you walk in, but you went straight, and you didn’t see me. You looked preoccupied.” He replied with a sarcastic eyebrow reaction. We both giggled at the thought of my shyness.
“Yes, I’m a little shy, but I would have talked to you.” I answered.
He stared. “You’re gorgeous, but seem down to earth.” He continued to explain.
“Then when I saw you again and you were with the pretty crowd.” Robert stated sarcastically.
“Ah… they are nice people. Besides, Melissa is my favorite, and I adore her.”
Robert sighed. “I’m sure.” He agreed, but I didn’t believe him.
“And you? What about you? I want to know more about your group. They cool?” I asked.
“They are good people too.” Robert answered, practically ignoring my question, pushing my hair away from my face. But, then he continued… “Yeah, Felix, Anthony, and Rick are my good friends. You see them with me at the table or outside, I’m sure. The girls there, besides my sisters, I really don’t talk to.”
“I see. You close to your sisters?”
“We’re cool.” He responded but leaned close to me from his side, making me nervous. He finally moved away when the waitress walked up with a large tray in her hand.
The wings looked amazing with a pile of fries in the center. We both grab one each and took a large bite with no remorse for the sauce that splashed slowly.
“Good!” I said with a mouth full. We high-fived. It was a goofy move but one we made together.
“So, what do you want to do? Are you staying in Portland city or leaving this God forsaken place?” Robert asked. He asked many questions to get to know me, but I was too shy to ask that many in return. I answered his questions as best as I could until we were done with the wings.
I was definitely interested. I just didn’t know how interested, considering Ren was still on my mind. But we laughed together and were a good match. I don’t want to read too much into it but I don’t want to hurt anyone either.
After dinner, we walked back to the truck and he opened the door like a gentleman. Again, telling me to buckle up.
“So, where to now?” I was anxious to know where the rest of the night would lead.
“It’s a surprise.” He said and started up the ignition. We drove for about 15 more minutes when the lake became visible. Apparently we went on the other side of the entrance from where the garden was. The lake was huge from both sides, so I really couldn’t tell how much ground it covered, especially since I have only seen it at night.
We parked right under the moonlight in reverse, facing the lake. Robert pulled out a blanket and opened up the tailgate to the bed of his truck.
“Come on, hop on.” He encouraged.
I grabbed my red peacoat jacket and crawled up next to him. It was a little cold but not freezing.
“Would you lean against me?” He put his arm around me, not expecting permission but I still smiled. I slowly leaned back on his shoulder. It was safe, relaxing, and romantic.
“So, do you think we can do this again?” He asked, and he wasn’t trying to kiss me, but he looked at me like he wanted to.
“Listen, we can be friends right?” I wanted to say more but I really didn’t know how to explain it. And, I needed him to understand that I didn’t know what I was feeling.
“What do you mean??” Robert mustered up a disappointed look.
“We’re friends right?” I responded to it simply, asking a question with a question.
“Yeah we’re friends. I wouldn’t try to push anything on you…” Robert reassured me.
“I’m just saying we barely met. And I don’t want to start moving too fast. I think that we should be friends first.”
I had a hard time looking at him the whole time, but I could tell that he was a kind person and that he would understand. The fact that I was saying anything at all was a little bit new for me. In the past, I probably would have just stayed silent. However, with Ren it just came spilling out, and with Robert it wanted to come out, but couldn’t, which still was a good sign because with everyone else, nothing ever came out. I guess I just don’t trust anyone, but maybe I could trust Robert. I still have a lot to sort out. And, last but not least, I don’t know why I felt so obligated to hide this from the group. It was going to be known at some point, I thought. We have one class together and we see each other at lunch. I couldn’t just keep avoid seeing him in secret. I started to feel guilty and felt I owed Robert a little more explanation, but what was the truth??? I was still confused myself. Yet, I attempted to try to explain more.
“Robert, I’ve never had a boyfriend before.” Robert stayed quiet for a second facing away, but then he turnaround and faced me.
“Are you serious? You’re 18.”
“I know but I’ve been so focused on studies, especially with my mom getting a divorce. It was just more important for me to be alone. I usually stay home and read, and I don’t even watch TV. I never cared to be around a lot of people either. But this year I promised myself I was going to make a few changes and start hanging around with people and doing more things. That’s why you saw me dress differently and put my hair down from one month to the next.” I said all of it softly hoping that was enough. I couldn’t believe I had the courage to say any of that but he made me feel safe.
“I was kind of worried you were dressing like that for them.” He pointed out.
“For my group?”
“Yeah, Drexy’s group.” Robert rolled his eyes with a negative sigh of disapproval, but I was glad he brought it up.
“Oh, no… why do you say it like that?”
“Because of the way they dress and the way they carry themselves. They think people that don’t dress like them, or look like them, or act like them, are not as good as them.” Robert said without any anger, just obvious disapproval.
“Robert you don’t even really know them.”
“Really?” Robert said with negative energy. He pulled his body away from mine changing the course of the conversation a bit.
“I’m not trying to be rude. I’m just saying you don’t really know them. You don’t even hang out with us. I see them every day. I’m with them at lunch all the time, I know them.” I tried to recant his argument.
“But do you really know them City?”
“What are you trying to get at? I’m just saying that they’re decent people.” I responded, surprised this conversation became intense.
“Look…” I started to try to calm down, but Robert interrupted me.
“I’m sorry, I just want you to be yourself… Okay? I didn’t mean anything by it.” But, I knew he did and I just flat out had to ask.
“Is there something you want to tell me about Drexy? Robert looked at me with a blank stare. “No.” He shook his head.
“Are you sure?”
“City, just ask me if you have something to ask me.”
“You made it very clear that you don’t like the group and I’m just wondering why.”
“It’s not just the group, it’s because they follow her.”
“Follow who, Drexy?’
“It’s nothing… Never mind.” He said, obviously desperate to change the subject. He put his arm back around me, but a little tighter, implementing a silent apology.
“We can be friends.” He assured me.
“Well… I hope you like the way I dress.” I said sarcastically.
He gave me a kiss on my cheek. “I love the way you dress, and I wish for you to take it off and jump in the lake with me.”
“WHAT???” My eyes widened as we stared at each other.
“What do you mean?” I was not anxious to find out, even though I asked.
“Let’s jump into the lake.” He suggested again.
; “Robert, what are you talking about? He started to get up to take off his jacket and shirt while facing the lake.
“I dare you to jump in the lake with me…”
“Why would we do that?” I asked thoroughly confused.
“Because it’ll be fun.”
“Fun for what? To get pneumonia?” I sarcastically tried to convince him otherwise.
“Nooo… for us to have done something together that we’ve never done with anybody else.”
I stopped for a second and thought how true that was. This was an insane idea but somehow made sense now.
“OK, so what do I get for jumping in the lake with you?” I started to wonder if I had the courage to jump. I had to admit he did bring out something in me besides laughter.
“A good time City, A good time…” He rambled with sarcasm.
He was half naked and jumped off his truck. It was hard not to stare at his chest and torso that was perfectly carved. I didn’t expect that amazing six pack, but most of all, the tattoo on his back was stunning. I wasn’t into earrings, tattoos or guys who liked to consistently dress in black, but this moment changed my mind.
The tattoo looked like a gem or diamond of some kind in all colors with specs of black, and a star around it. It was different. His last name was at the top of it, WEST. It was in bold vampire-y looking letters. Lust creeped up my body and put a blush in my cheeks, but had to pretend I wasn’t fazed when he looked back at me.
“What’s that on your back with your last name?”
“Oh, just family tradition. All of my family tattoos their last name on their back depending on where they are from. It’s for the west-star of the universe.”
“I am a little confused, what does it mean?”
Robert put out his hand from where he stood to prompt me off the truck.
“It’s just a dumb family thing… are you coming in?” He changed the subject, and I didn’t interject.
“So you want me to get naked?” I said when I stood up to take him up on his offer.
“Maybe…” He smiled. I couldn’t get over his infectious smile. Little did he know that it could make do anything in this moment. I rolled my eyes but stood up as I smiled. I took off everything except my bra and underwear, which matched, thank God
“Okay, I’m not afraid.” I leaned in close to him when I jumped off the bed of the truck.
“You ready Robert?”
“Of course, Veracity…”
We ran into the semi-cold lake while holding hands and splashing water until he dunked me. I came up for air quickly. But, he immediately grabbed me in his arms to warm me up. I liked his excuse.
“Thank you.” I said when I wiped the water from my face.
“Thank you for what?” He looked confused.
“For taking me out and for understanding I want to take it slow.
We looked at each other and it seemed like we were about to kiss, but I don’t think it was the right time, nor was it right to lead him on. We didn’t kiss. And, I don’t know what he was feeling in that moment, but I knew that I wanted to be just friends until I figured out what was happening with Ren.
Once we got out it was getting late and even though Unity never gave me a curfew, I still like to pretend I had structure in my life. That was one thing I loved and hated at the same time; I never had any rules in my life.
“Okay, let’s go.” Robert stood there getting dressed.
We jumped in the truck to head to my home. He walked me to the door but all I could offer was a strong hug.
“Good night Robert.”
“Good night Veracity.”
I was tired. It was time for bed. I ran upstairs. I had no dreams, and I was glad. I didn’t want anything to ruin it. It was a perfect night, except for one thing, Ren never left my mind.
******
Weeks were passing and Ren never showed up as promised. I kept going out with the group from school to the same places, but he was nowhere to be found. It was upsetting. I didn’t know him, and I told myself to brush it off. Besides, he was probably just some jerk who had a girlfriend.
Robert and I would constantly talk in the hallways, but we still kept our distance around the groups. We agreed on taking it slow. At lunch, we stayed separate though. Sometimes we would glance at each other, but we never let anybody really know what was going on. And, I had a feeling he didn’t want his group to know about me either. After school, Robert visited a lot. He always held me when I let him. We would take long walks or go hang out at the lake. Sometimes he would chase me, or we would prank each other. Many evenings were great but still with Ren on my mind. Something about us just wasn’t enough. I love being with him. I loved getting to know him. And a part of me thought he was falling in love with me. Which scared me immensely, but I liked that we were becoming good friends. It was friends without physical intimacy though and I could tell he wanted more. It made me feel guilty inside even though I wasn’t Robert’s girlfriend. Sometimes I think it was time to have a serious conversation and other times I convinced myself not to. He had no clue about Ren in my head, he just assumed he was safe. I really don’t know how to describe all the things that were happening between us. But, until I forget completely about Ren, I don’t think I can take it any further.
******
Over two months had passed and after some careful thought, I figured Ren was gone for good.
I finally accepted it. One night, when Robert drove me back to my place after going bowling, I finally decided to give him a kiss. It was a nervous one, but I still managed to make an effort.
Slowly is what I said out loud right before our lips embraced. He smiled back and repeated it to assure he agreed. It felt good and I hope I’m doing right by him.
The word “slowly” eventually became an inside joke. Every time we touched; he would use the word to warn me. I couldn’t deny how I adored him, and I loved his company. But, I don’t think that I was falling for him the way he was falling for me.
MAKING ENEMIES
Diary 9
Robert and I decided to break our silence to the groups, but not directly. We wanted it to be subtle. Scary, but we knew it was time. He made it clear that it was foolish of us to try to hide it forever. I knew my group wouldn’t like it but how would his group react was also a concern. No one likes to lose friends at such a young age, even if they aren’t good ones. But, in reality, it felt as we are trying to live up to other’s expectations by constantly avoiding each other.
As an insecure teenager, you still have ridiculous thoughts that cross your mind. Like, what if me and Robert didn’t work out? There was no point of me losing all my friends for something that may not last. I think both of us agreed to that. He also made it clear that his sisters may have a hard time with it as well, which deep down I suspected, but he didn’t really explain much. There has to be something between him, Drexy, and Trisha that I couldn’t understand. But, it was none of my business, so I left it at that.
I ran to the entrance of the school as the bell rang for our 2nd period when I spotted Melissa running down the hall. She had a killer red and black gym outfit on and was obviously late. The gym was on the other side of three buildings that connected through a crazy maze, which I never had to go to before, but I had to pick up a project that Mrs. Bernal wanted for my chemistry class.
“Hey girl, headed to practice?” I called out to her.
“Yeah, come watch!” She yelled backwards jogging, trying to prompt me to hurry. I decided to be late for chem class, and for some reason I didn’t care. When I followed, she dashed off, when I reached the gym doors. I looked in from the small windows outside, listening to the loud vibration that was coming from them. It was an electric techno beat, and the squad was dancing with swift athletic moves that included back-spots, as they flew in the air. Melissa was shouting and leading the group. I was thoroughly impressed. I finally spotted Drexy having a solo in the middle of the group after they threw her up to twirl back down. The musi
c hit the bleachers and the walls as the squad stomped their feet to each beat, following her motion. It was like their bodies were synced to the music. Drexy had an immaculate form for each move, which flexed her muscles. I had to admit I was a little jealous. I wish I was that physically fit, which also toggled a thought, it didn’t make sense that Robert wanted nothing to do with her. She was incredibly sexy, beautiful and definitely possesed talent.
She did a couple of flips and then suddenly stood on her toes, as if the rest of the group vanished for a split second. Her personality was awful, but her moves were not.
Melissa stopped the music and told everybody to call it a day. They all scattered to the locker rooms. I pushed the doors open to wave her down. She was packing her stuff when she spotted me.“Hey girl, thanks for stopping by.” She said walking towards me, wiping sweat from her forehead with a towel, waving at me to come in.
“Girl, you know how to put on a show!” I stated with enthusiasm.
“Thanks!” Melissa smiled, feeling approved.
“What did you think of Drexy?” Melissa sarcastically asked.
“Oh, she was amazing.” I nonchalantly responded.
“Yeah she does have some amazing muscle mass. She can do things most of the other girls can’t.” Melissa confirmed what I already noticed.
“So, what’s going on?” I questioned why she wanted me to come watch since she never had before.