by Lindsey Hart
Chet bristled. His entire body tensed, and his heart plummeted straight into the pit of his stomach. It seemed just wrong to bring his brother’s name between them, especially when the taste of her was still on his lips, his tongue, in his mouth. “It’s alright, Nina, I’ll explain-”
“No!” She turned to him, eyes wide, nearly frantic. “Please, don’t say anything to him! I promised I wouldn’t let this happen!”
“We’re adults. You might be Shane’s best friend, but he doesn’t own you. He shouldn’t get to say who you have a relationship with and who you don’t.”
Panic crept up in his chest, threatening to cut off his air. He took a deep, shaky inhale and blew out his breath, proving that he was capable of still being in control of his own body. He forced a smile to try and reassure her.
“This isn’t that. He would never have said that about anyone else. It’s because you’re his brother.”
She covered her face in her hands and a moment later, her shoulders started to shake. The unmistakable sound of soft sobs drifted across the bed. It made him feel like a real shit, the fact that Nina was so distraught. He felt bereft inside in a frightening new way. All his life he’d been running from anyone meaning anything and now that it did, and it might all disappear, he was nearly frantic to hold it together.
“Nina…” he reached over and tried to touch her shoulder. She pulled away, but when he tried again, she didn’t shake his hand off.
“It’s going to be alright. We’ll make Shane understand.” He tried to be soothing.
“What is there to understand?” She turned red rimmed eyes his way. “I don’t even know what we’re doing.”
He knew that she wanted answers. It wasn’t unreasonable. He had the same fears she did. He didn’t have any of the responses she wanted. Instead of saying anything at all, he pulled her into his chest and wrapped his arms around her. She felt so frail, her shoulders so thin, her bones so fine. Everything inside of him screamed at him not to leave her. To stay there forever, wrapped around her. The cramped wad of nerves in his stomach tightened.
“I’m not just going to up and leave. I promise. I don’t know anything for certain yet, but I swear, I won’t do what my dad did. I won’t break your heart, Nina.” He just hoped like hell that she believed him. That she’d understand that he’d do anything to avoid turning into the man who was supposed to be a father to him and Shane and a husband to their mother. He would never abandon Nina like his father abandoned them.
It hit him like an explosion going off in his damn brain that all the years of running, the restlessness, the dissatisfaction inside, the black pit that he could never seem to fill up… it was fear. Fear that he’d turn into his father. Fear of loving anyone because he was afraid they’d hurt him, leave him, abandon him the same way. Or worse, that he would do it. That he’d be the one to blame. That he’d be the one to suddenly just stop loving.
I’m not my father. I will never be him. I might look like him, but that’s where the similarities end. I’m done with running. I want this. I want Nina.
He expected to feel trapped, caged, walled in, everything that was negative about dropping the concrete barrier around the softest part of him, the parts of him that he didn’t even know were in there, the parts that felt everything so damn deep, but he didn’t. He didn’t feel any of it. What he felt was an odd lightness, like a huge burden had been lifted from his shoulders.
He hadn’t fallen in love with Nina exactly, not that he knew what love was, but he knew he could. He could, and it scared the hell out of him and gave him the strangest sense of peace all at once.
Nina let out a shuddery breath, warm and ragged against his chest. “And what if we break our own hearts? And everyone else’s? I made Shane a promise. I’ve never gone back on my word before. I’m worried that this is going to damage our friendship beyond repair.”
“The fact that you would say that,” Chet stroked her hair gently. He managed to keep his tone light and even, though his chest and head felt like they were going to burst with emotion. “And not even bother to talk about the money that he might not share with you now, is amazing.”
She stiffened. “The money doesn’t matter. I don’t want to lose my best friend and I don’t want to be the reason he ends up hating you. I don’t want to come between you right when you finally are here to make things better.” She pulled away and stared up at him, her eyes wide and panicked. “This was a mistake.”
“No, don’t say that.” He reached for her hand and grasped it tightly. “We’ll figure this out. I promise. Don’t just pass it off as a mistake because you’re afraid. It didn’t feel like a mistake to me. It felt incredible.”
She was back to not being able to look at him. His fear mounted, fear that he wouldn’t be able to convince her before he even got a chance to try and work on his brother.
“It’s not that easy. You have no idea how hurt and angry Shane is going to be.”
“Then we’ll tell him together.”
“That’s a terrible idea. He doesn’t listen. He’s rash. He’ll probably try and beat you to a pulp. He’s like that. Hot headed. He acts first and thinks about it later. I don’t want to be the one who comes between you. I don’t want to have to choose. I don’t even know what I’d be choosing. I can’t believe I’m even saying these things.”
“I know. Neither can I.” He shook his head. “That didn’t come out right. I never thought I’d actually get a chance to know you. I knew I wanted to. I knew that if I didn’t, it would feel like the miss of a lifetime. I’ve been drawn to you ever since I saw that picture. This wasn’t a mistake. It felt right. It is right. I’m not skipping out on you. I’m going to fight for you, if that’s what it takes.”
“I don’t want it to come to that. I don’t want anyone to fight for me. I’ve seen Shane kick guy’s asses before when we’ve gone out to the bar over making a rude comment or pinching my ass or whatever. He’s not afraid to do it.”
“And you think he’d be so ready to beat me, his brother?”
“Especially you! He knew there was something between us even before I did. He warned me to just stick to that contract. I thought he was being insane. I didn’t realize what I felt, really, until we went to the shelter and I saw how tender you were with Charlotte. That was probably your plan all along though. Seduce me through my ultimate weakness.”
“No, it wasn’t my plan at all.” He nearly chuckled, but kept it locked down. “I wanted to go, since it was a special place for me when I was young. I really did want a dog. I didn’t see myself actually coming home with one, but we just had an instant connection.”
“That is exactly what I felt when I saw you. This strange connection. I haven’t been able to stop feeling it. It was driving me insane.”
“Yes,” Chet said solemnly. It was like she’d so easily put into words everything he hadn’t been able to over the years. “That pretty much describes what I felt when I saw your picture. Like there was a giant neon sign pointing me in your direction.”
“You took long enough to get here.”
“I would still have been trying to find my way, if it hadn’t been for that will. It forced me back here and it forced my hand. I knew I’d have one shot at this and I couldn’t screw it up.”
“I’m sure you could have figured out another way or met me through Shane or something. It didn’t have to just be one shot.”
“So, you actually think that maybe this was fate or whatever?”
Nina stared down at their hands, which were still clutched together. “I don’t know what I think. People talk about instant chemistry or soul mates or whatever. I thought that it was just bullshit. I’ve never felt that way about anyone. I’m not the kind of person who loses focus easily. I didn’t let myself get distracted. It was school and family and friends and that was it. Even before that, I was working, and I was just always busy. I didn’t have time for dating. I- uh- had a few one-night deals, but they meant nothing. I always
just felt regret. I thought that’s maybe how it was for me. That maybe I was broken.”
“You’re not broken.”
“How do you know?”
“I know you’re not. This is the first time in my life I haven’t felt like running. I feel like- like the urge is just gone. All I can tell you is how I feel, and I feel like there’s this weight in my stomach and on my chest, but it’s a good weight. I feel… I feel free, like a weight off of my shoulders, the bad weight. It’s finally gone. I feel safe here. I feel like I want to stay. If you want me to. I’m not going to force you to feel anything that you don’t, and I don’t want to rush things. I know we just met, and all your fears are real. I feel them too. I’m just telling you that I’ll find a way to make this work. I’ll find a way to tell Shane and make him understand. If it’s what you want.”
There it was. He gave her an out, a way to undo it all if that’s what she wanted. It wouldn’t undo anything. It wouldn’t change anything that they’d already done, but it would change their future. He couldn’t say how he knew or why it felt so right, but a future with Nina suddenly made sense. It was why he’d been running. He’d always been running to her. She was right. He was running back to a place where he could feel loved, where he had someone to love.
“Alright,” she finally whispered, after a silence that lasted for years. “We’ll figure it out. I don’t know what I feel and I don’t know what’s going to happen in tomorrow let alone years from now, but I want our third date. I want to let you paint me. I didn’t really mean it when I said I thought this was a mistake. It’s just so new and I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to get hurt.”
“I won’t hurt you. At least, I would do everything I could to make sure you didn’t get hurt. I promise the future looks good. I want to stay here. I want to be part of a family again. I want to open up my own shop. I’ll do it. I’ll put down roots and I’ll stop running. I’ll prove to you that you can trust me and that this wasn’t and isn’t a mistake.”
“And Shane?”
“We’ll figure that out as well. Let me think about it.”
“It’s probably better if I think about it. And the sooner we tell him, the better. I can’t stand living with the anxiety that I know is going to boil over. I don’t want to lie to him. It would only make things worse.”
“You’re right. Tomorrow? Is that too soon?”
Nina swallowed hard. “I don’t know what is too soon or not soon enough. I don’t know anything anymore. I feel completely lost here.”
Chet brushed back a strand of blonde hair and tucked it behind her ear. “Everything will work out. I promise.” He hesitated. “Do you want me to leave?”
“No,” she whispered. “Stay.”
The way she looked at him with round, far too trusting eyes, with her bruised, tender lips still trembling, it made him want to be better. She was his new truth. She was his dream, his vision, turned reality. It made him want to take on the world for her. It made him want to get his shit together so that he could give her the world. Even if it meant facing everything he’d always run from, he’d damn well get there. That was the thing about love or infatuation or lust or whatever it was that was currently cutting off his air supply and welling up in his chest. It made everything seem like it was possible.
CHAPTER 13
Nina
In the end, they decided that a public place was best. That way, even if Shane wanted to start some kind of fight, he’d have to keep it under wraps. He couldn’t just kick his brother’s ass in the middle of a restaurant, could he? She really hoped that the answer was no, but with Shane, anything was possible.
Nina somehow made it through a day of classes and afterwards, hours in the library working on a paper that she still had yet to finish. Her mind wasn’t on it though. She repeatedly had to go back and reread and retype the things she’d already written.
When was it that her life had spun so completely out of control? Sometime between seeing Chet with his dog and inviting him to her apartment. It had been a series of devastating decision that she knew would have consequences. It wasn’t that she couldn’t help herself. She knew it was wrong. And she did it anyway. Because, for the first time in her life, she knew it would mean something.
And she wanted it to mean something. She wanted, just for a night if that’s all they had, to belong to someone. Sex had always just been sex, but with Chet it was different. It was transcendence. It transformed her into a being she almost didn’t recognize when she looked in the mirror. She was still the same Nina as the day before, on the outside at any rate, but something in her eyes had changed. She’d changed on the inside and it was reflected out.
She was afraid, as soon as she slid into the red vinyl booth beside Shane at a fifties style diner, that he’d know just by looking at her that something wasn’t right.
He’d already ordered a milkshake for himself, which was classic Shane. He couldn’t wait longer than five minutes to eat once he walked into a place. He always had to have a drink or an appetizer, something to tide him over, like a child, until the food arrived.
Nina’s stomach was such a mess she doubted she could eat anything at all. She wondered if she could even force down water. There was a token glass on the table in front of her and she grabbed it, bent her head, wrapped her lips around the straw and forced some water down her parched throat.
She felt marginally better after. Shane looked at her, brow raised in question.
“Do I think it’s funny that I haven’t seen my brother in years and now, in less than five days, I’ve been out with him for dinner and drinks twice? Yes. Definitely yes.”
“He’s back in town.” Nina forced a smile with the words. “He wants to see you.” She nearly choked on the lie. It was true the first time, but she wasn’t sure about this time. She had a feeling their meeting was going to be a disaster and she’d spent the better part of the day preparing herself for the blow.
She didn’t have any more time to think or offer herself paltry reassurances or imagine the horrible fight where chairs were thrown across the diner and someone sailed through a window, since at that moment, Chet walked in.
She breathed out an exhale that sounded very close to a shuddering sigh. At least he was on time. When she and Chet came up with the diner idea, she thought that she’d have a few minutes to debrief at least before Shane got there. She hadn’t counted on the guy being early. He was never early. When she walked into the quaint little diner that they liked so much because it had the best milkshakes and homemade fries in Houston, there he was, sitting at the same booth they always picked, near the back.
Chet slid into the booth, a smooth smile on his face. He looked completely unruffled in a dark black denim jacket, a black t-shirt and a pair of those strange black pants he preferred. She couldn’t figure out where he’d got them or what fashion category they even fit in. She just knew that on him, they were devastatingly sexy.
“Shane.” Chet nodded. “How are you, man?”
“You mean since the last time we talked a few days ago? Fine. Same old.”
“Well, everything’s changed for me.”
Nina held her breath, afraid that Chet was just going to blurt out what happened. She stared down at her hands, wondering if she should spring up and go to the counter and get a waitress so that they could order. She needed a distraction. Shane stiffened beside her, almost imperceptibly. She felt it more than she saw the movement.
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. I got a dog.”
“What?” Shane slapped the table top lightly with his palm. “Well that is- that’s just crazy.”
Nina let out a rush of breath. She reached out and gripped the edge of the table with both hands, as though it was some kind of beacon that could save her from drowning in the sea of trouble she’d created for herself.
I lied to him. I’m a terrible friend. The thoughts had been beating around her head all day. Surprisingly, she’d slept soundly next t
o Chet for the entire night. It only added to her guilt, how absolutely, astoundingly, amazingly right it felt to wake up next to him in the morning and make a pot of shitty coffee together and attempt scrambled eggs. It was the most natural thing in the world, natural, for her who had never had a guy spend the night before.
“Nina got a puppy too.”
Shane turned his astonishment her way. All she could do was shrug and nod. “I hope my new landlord is dog friendly,” she whispered. “I gave them your number.”
“And I’m supposed to say that you live with me?”
“No, that I’m going to. That you’re dog friendly.”
Shane nodded slowly. “Well- that is- that is some really wild news. I never would have expected that.” He looked between Chet and Nina and Nina braced herself, sure that he knew what they’d done by the guilt written all over her face. “What else have you guys been up to?”
And there it was. The horrible lead up question with an answer that Shane was never going to see coming. All before their waitress with the diner’s signature red checkered apron and the red visor, ever came around.
“I- uh-” She couldn’t spit it out. She looked helplessly across the table to Chet. He put his elbows on the table’s edge and leaned forward.
“I’ve decided that I want to stick around Houston. Open up my own shop. Tattoo here. I want to be closer to you and mom. I mean distance, but- you know. Get to know each other better. I want to be the brother I haven’t ever been to you.”
“I never thought I’d see the day.” Shane rolled his eyes to mask the true feeling that was so very obvious. He was touched. He didn’t do well with emotion at the best of times.
Nina would have normally cut in with some kind of crass joke to break through all those feels that Shane wasn’t equipped to handle. She couldn’t get a word out.
“I want to… to- see Nina,” Chet blurted. He glanced anxiously at both of them, turning his eyes back and forth, from one face to another.