I Do (Not)

by T L Dasha

  We walked a few blocks, where he lead me into an old apartment building and waved me toward the stairs.

  “No elevator? Aw, but that’s my favorite place to hang out with you.”

  His face flushed, but he didn’t respond. Perhaps I had picked on him a little too much. Though he seemed to be in much higher spirits than he was this morning, despite the fact that I hadn’t actually solved any problems for him.

  Now that I think about it, I’m not sure what I had been planning to do when I set out to find him. Was I supposed to beg him to take back his dead-end job as a desk clerk? That wasn’t good for him. Was I supposed to ask him to give my brother another chance? Was he good for him? Maybe there never was a plan at all. Maybe I just couldn’t stand knowing he was hurt. That he was alone. I guess I just wanted to see him.

  We arrived at a door on the third floor with chipping paint and the number 308 imprinted in block letters. He unlocked the door, and invited me into his home. It was modest, but it was more than enough for his single person.

  “Trevor, I…” He turned to look at me, his eyes quickly losing their light. Without warning, he moved in close and touched his lips to mine. So soft, quick, and delicate, I can’t be sure it wasn’t a dream. “Thank you. I really needed a reason to smile today...”

  I watched the expression on his face, uncertain but warm, as he started to move away. I didn’t want him to move away. If this was a dream, I wanted to stay asleep a little longer.

  He granted me that wish. More aggressive now, he took hold of the front of my shirt, and pulled me into him, entangling our breath, heat, and need again. He was sweet and inviting, using his tongue to coax mine into his mouth. He sucked on me as I slid between his lips in gentle motion, in and out, deepening our connection. I couldn’t get enough of that flavor of sex and sugar. I ran a hand through his hair on each side, then held him firmly against me. I needed more. My hands fell to his shoulders, his back, sliding over each muscle until I reached his waist. Just a little lower.

  We were against his bed, when he tugged on my shirt more forcefully. He let himself fall backwards, pulling me down with him. I used a knee to push his legs open just a little further, not releasing his mouth as my hands traveled back up his body. He felt fragile beneath me. His hands found their way to my back, and his fingers clawed at my shoulders, refusing to let me go. With the way he moved, his body pressed against my chest, and our tongues entangled, it took everything I had to finally push away.

  I hovered over him, a hand supporting myself on either side. I looked down at his lips, swollen and parted just enough to beg me to enter him. And I wanted so badly to enter him.

  But I couldn’t. Not now. Not under these circumstances.

  Fuck.

  I crawled off of him and got to my feet.

  “I… I have to go.” I clenched my hand into a fist, furious at myself for this moral play I was making myself abide by. I had just told him how this played out the last time I touched my brother’s lover. I didn’t even want to sleep with the last one, but Jake… I wanted Jake. He was taking every ounce of will power I had.

  But this couldn’t just be about what I wanted anymore.

  “Sorry Trevor, I…”

  I looked at him, sitting up on the bed, those lips still so inviting, his loose brown hair begging to be pulled, and those sultry eyes, just daring me to take him. FUCK. Why couldn’t it be about what I wanted? Why did Aaron always have to make everything so goddamn complicated?

  I took a step back, not looking him in the eye anymore. I wouldn’t be able to keep my resolve if I continued to let that gaze hold onto me.

  “I wish I could have been the one to meet you first.” I smiled in spite of myself. “The world’s so unfair sometimes.” Another step back. Did I really have to walk away? He’s hot and ready, and he wants me right now.

  Right now. When he’s vulnerable and sad.

  No. That’s not real. I’m a consolation prize. He wants my brother. He should want my brother. He’s the good one. The kind of guy he deserves. Not me.

  “I understand.” He said in a whisper, pulling my eyes involuntarily back to him. “I don’t want to cause an even deeper rift between you two. I just… I got carried away. Sorry, Trevor.” His eyes were welling up with tears again. Please don’t cry. You’re going to make me cry.

  “Jake…” Give my brother another chance? Is that what I wanted to say? Is that what I was supposed to say? That’s what I came here for, isn’t it? ‘May the best man win’ is all well and good until you realize how badly the other man gets hurt in the process. All I’ve ever done is hurt Aaron. Is this really how I’m going to break the cycle? I’m such a fucking pussy. What are you doing to me, Jake?

  My back was against his door now. That was the only thing stopping me from leaving.

  “If you’re in love with my brother, I’ll respect that. Stay in San Francisco. Chase your dream.” Keep talking. You know what you need to say. “And despite every awkward quirk, I know he’ll love you with everything he has. Even if he’s too much of a stuffy asshole to say it, it’s obvious to me now that you’ve had his heart in knots for longer than you’ll ever know. He would be a fool to feel otherwise.”

  He watched me, listening intently, but not saying a word.

  “But I… I’m not going to lie to you. You stand up to me in ways most people are too afraid to. You don’t let me get away with everything. You’re sarcastic, you’re witty, you’re blunt, and you make me smile like a goofy bastard every time your face pops into my mind.” My voice started to break under my attempt at a chuckle. But I had to finish. “I could say I’ll offer you anything and everything you’ve ever wanted, but I know you don’t want anything handed to you. Honestly, I don’t know if I have anything to offer anyone anyway.”

  I tried to smile. I don’t know what my expression must have looked like.

  “We could run away to a beach somewhere. We’d build that coffee shop, I’ll make love to you every night, and we can get away from this fucked up empire, even if it means we have to start over with nothing.” As I built the image I my own mind, it felt good. It felt right. Somehow, I was smiling now. “I’ll even promise you that we never, ever have to actually get married.”

  This time he laughed. His laugh always made my heart beat a little faster. I don’t think I’ll ever understand what it was about him that did that to me.

  “I want you, Jake Conner. And I’ll respect whatever you decide.” I turned the doorknob behind my back, and stepped out of his apartment, letting that door fall between us. I wasn’t ready to hear his response, and I wanted him to have time to think on it all. I made my way down the stairs, and called for a car to take me back to the hotel.

  I’m sorry, Aaron. I couldn’t walk away without at least giving my side. That was selfish. I guess I’ll always be a little selfish.

  But this wasn’t about me and this wasn’t about my brother. It was about Jake, and it was about what he wanted.

  It was all in his hands now.

  Chapter 13

  Aaron Craig

  “Excuse me-- I’m looking for an ‘Liz.’ Is she here?” This was the third bakery I had found in the area, so I had to be getting close. Who would have thought there would be so many places for pastries in San Francisco?

  “Yep-- Hang on a minute, I’ll get her for you.” An older man in a dirty white apron who worked behind the counter gave me the most reassuring nod I had received all morning, then he turned to head to the kitchen door. The bakery was compact but functional. Colorful macarons and elaborately decorated cakes filled the glass counter, while rows of cookies were proudly displayed on shelves along the back wall. A handful of pink tables were speckled just outside the door, complementing the pink trim on the counters and displays.

  I felt somewhat out of place, but this was important enough that I could grin and bear it. Within a few minutes, Conner’s scruffy friend came through the kitchen door. Her hair was a mess and her face was sti
ll covered in patches of white. She looked at me, clearly startled.

  “Can I… help you?”

  “You might be the only person who can help me.” I found myself incredibly relieved to see her. If there was anyone who understood Conner, I was certain it would be her. I extended my hand. “I’m not sure we’ve formally met. I’m--“

  “Aaron Craig. Yes, I know.” She returned the gesture, a firm but quick handshake, while her eyes appeared to be studying me. “Elizabeth Jones. Safe to say this is about Jake?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, it’s about goddamn time.” Elizabeth rolled her eyes. “Do you have any idea what a wreck he’s been because of you?”

  Where do I even start?

  “I have an inkling. Have you had lunch? Can we discuss this over a meal?” I kept a formal tone. Treating this engagement like a business meeting made it easier to keep my resolve.

  “I already ate. But I can meet with you after work.” She seemed somewhat hesitant. That wouldn’t do.

  “How much do you charge an hour? I’ll triple it.” I cocked my head back, not looking to take no for an answer.

  She glanced at her boss who was back behind the counter. The man nodded.

  “I guess I’ll be fixing up something different today.” She sighed. “There’s a park a couple blocks form here. I have lunch with Jake there sometimes. Let’s talk there.”

  “Perfect.”

  We exited the bakery, and I followed Elizabeth toward a small park outside the docks. I caught her up on my talk with Conner that morning, and she listened without interjecting.

  “So he quit.” She spoke softly. “I guess that shouldn’t be all that surprising. I’m going to miss having him so close by all the time though. He’s the whole reason I got the job out here.” She seemed to be thinking aloud rather than speaking to me. Interesting. Jake claimed their relationship was platonic, but I couldn’t help questioning what it was from her perspective.

  “It already feels a little darker in that building without him.” I nodded. “How can I fix this? How do I even talk to him?”

  “Something more subtle than calling him inappropriate might be wise.” Elizabeth smirked, but her eyes remained playful.

  “I can’t help but think I’ll be explaining my poor word choice for the rest of my life.” I sighed. “Jake is a bit more difficult to negotiate with than my usual associates.”

  “Yeah, that wasn’t a good one.” She laughed. “But well… I know what it’s like when Jake gets all fired up. I’m guessing he wasn’t in a listening mood after that one.”

  “That would be an understatement.” I frowned. “Do you think there’s any way I can fix this?” Perhaps ‘Do I even deserve to fix this?’ may have been a better question.

  “Why do you want to fix it?”

  “What?” I looked at her, dumbfounded.

  “It’s a serious question. Like, what good is going to come from making this right? Wouldn’t it be easier to just call that the end of this whole ordeal?” Elizabeth shrugged, then turned to look me square in the eyes. “Do you want to fix it for your peace of mind? Or for him?”

  I paused, having not even considered any other course of action. It was in my nature to fix things. That’s what I had always done. Though this was the first time I didn’t have the foggiest clue as to how to approach the issue. I’ve spent the entire week trying to dissect this problem, and yet, even now, I still didn’t fully understand what I wanted the outcome to be.

  “I don’t know.”

  “What do you mean you don’t know?” Her mouth fell open, looking at me as if I was insane. “This isn’t the time to be wishy washy. You’ve had all this time to sort this out, and you still don’t even know how you feel about him?!” The irritation in her voice built with each word. She threw her head back and took a deep breath. “No wonder Jake gave you a metaphorical punch in the gut.”

  I shook my head. Even she misunderstood my meaning. I was starting to wonder if I spoke a completely different language from these people.

  “Our relationship isn’t simple. My life isn’t simple. Every day of my life is a dance with politics and posturing and scrutiny. Do I really want to force that life on him? Can I honestly say I love him if I’m willing to put him through the stress it will take to…” As I gave into my candid thoughts, the words started to sink in, and my confusion started to slip away. “… to be with me.”

  “That’s fair.” Elizabeth softened. “I won’t get on your case for that.”

  “Perhaps I should just leave things where they lie. It would make it all easier.”

  “I never imagined THE Aaron Craig cared about easy.”

  “That’s probably my real problem here.” I laughed. “The challenge is part of what drives me.” We stood together in silence for a few moments before I continued, her eyes studying me all the while. “You know, my first thought when I realized what we had done was that we could go on like we always had. Nothing had to change. One drunk night didn’t have to define our entire relationship. But I also saw it as a chance to get to know him. Maybe we would like each other when we were sober as well.”

  We walked by a bocce ball court outside the dock, and I let my eyes fall on a pair of college kids tossing the ball down the sand. A simple game of negotiating and understanding your own strength. I appreciate that kind of simplicity.

  I returned my attention to Elizabeth.

  “But then my brother started to fall for him...” I hated hearing those words in my mouth, but now wasn’t the time for falsehoods. “And when I saw the way he loved him, when I heard the way he talked about him… I felt guilty that I could never love him quite like that. But I want to. I want to love him like that.”

  Her expression dropped, hard and serious.

  “But you don’t.”

  “I don’t know.”

  She shook her head again.

  “I think I get where you’re coming from.” Her lips relaxed into a smile. “But here’s the thing-- I’ve known Jake for a long time. Actually, it’s a little mind boggling that I‘ve known him as long as I have, and we still like each other.” She looked up, as if she was evaluating her life choices. “I think you have good intentions, but you have to understand that Jake is the kind of person who will always get in his own way. He’s never going to make the right choice, or the logical choice, or even just the healthy choice. I mean, if he has an option to eat kale or a stick of butter, he’s always going to end up with butter all over his face.”

  It was almost strange how vividly I could picture Conner with his face covered in butter. Yet it seemed completely within reason.

  “I’m not sure I’m following your point.”

  Elizabeth sighed.

  “My POINT being, if you really do love him, and you want him to make a good decision, you’re basically going to have to hammer him over the head with it. Or well, how can I say this more elegantly…” She scrunched up her nose. “Take charge, be honest, and don’t let him walk away until he’s heard you out. But if you aren’t ready to love the mess that is the real Jake Conner, do us both a favor and give him some closure. If you’re worried about him not being able to handle the heartbreak, that’s what I’m here for.” She laughed, jovial and honest.

  I could see why he kept this woman in his life. Though, I had to question that level of devotion to someone who was ‘just a friend.’ Maybe that was more telling of my own friendships than theirs, but still. I looked Elizabeth in the eye.

  “It almost sounds like you’re in love with him.” My voice was steady and matter-of-fact, masking my suspicion.

  “Me?” Her face lit up at the accusation. “I love him. I love him more than anyone in my life, actually.” She shook a hand through her hair, messing it up even more. “But sometimes love and sex have as much to do with each other as… well, love and marriage.” She snickered under her breath, a fair retort. Then she looked at me, her eyes soft and her smile effortless. “Lots of people are in rel
ationships that mean nothing, but I have a friendship that means everything. And that’s perfect for both of us. Besides, until Jake knits me a leash for a night of snuggling in a sex dungeon, we’re going to have to see other people.”

  My face flared at the thought. The image of Jake in a sex dungeon? What kind of devious--

  “I’m kidding by the way. Inside joke. Sorry about that.” She gave me a slap on the back, and I shook my head to toss away the mental pictures.

  “I can’t say whether I’m more or less confused than I was before I found you.” I shoved my hands in my pockets and looked up at the passing clouds.

  “Jake always seems to feel that way, too.” She grinned. “I have a feeling you’ll figure it out though.”

  #

  I drove to his home, climbed the stairs, and knocked on his door. It felt like an eternity as I waited, hoping he would answer. As I heard the doorknob turn, I took a deep breath.

  “Mr. Craig.” Conner’s voice was barely louder than a whisper. “How can I help you?” My heart sank a little as he addressed me with such a formal greeting. His hair was wet and freshly showered, and she was wearing red flannel pajamas. It was barely past four in the afternoon. Perhaps a little early for pajamas. I almost found myself shaking my head, but I suppose he had earned some comfort at this point.

  “Can we talk?” I kept a steady tone, not wanting to show any wavering in my confidence.

  He sighed.

  “Come in.” He lead me into his compact, studio apartment and grabbed a half-eaten tub of ice cream off the bed. He appeared to contemplate putting it away for a moment, but instead he settled in, cross legged on his comforter, and spooned himself another mouthful. I guess that was his emotional support ice cream.

  A movie was paused on his television, frozen on the image of a woman looking up at her lover with tears running down her face. He had cast off any semblance of poise or professionalism, leaving me to confront him in his most raw and vulnerable state. It was never more obvious to me that we lived in a completely different world. This isn’t going to be easy at all, is it…