Trail Blazer

by Nicolette Dane

  “I’m sorry,” Gretchen said once more.

  “And I just keep thinking about what that guy Guru said on the trail,” Naomi went on. “To thine own self be true… about not faking it or living a false life or whatever, and it just feels so out of reach. You know how much it sucks to be almost thirty and feel like you can’t be yourself around your family? It’s painful, it really is.”

  “I know,” said Gretchen with empathy. “God, I feel like such a bitch for poking you. I should have been more understanding of your situation. I guess I was just excited for how things would be when we got back. Or how I perceived they would be. I thought everything was going to be great. Easy and great.”

  “That’s how I want it to be, too,” mused Naomi. She sat down on a keg and put her head in her hands.

  “I do love you, Naomi,” Gretchen said with emotive eyes. “I want to make this work with you. I want us to be together.”

  “I do, too,” Naomi agreed. “I don’t know how I’m going to make this work. I feel like if I tell my family anything, I’ll immediately be kicked out and they’ll stop talking to me. When I think about it, it’s bad. I can really see it being bad.”

  “Why don’t you come over tonight?” Gretchen offered. “Stay over. We can talk about it and try to figure out a plan of attack.” She stopped herself and shook her head. “Those are the wrong words. What I mean to say is… we can figure out a way forward for you. Even if your worst fears come true, it’s important to be yourself and live your life. Like Guru said. He wasn’t living the life he wanted and it was killing him. The same thing is happening to you.”

  “I know it is,” Naomi said. “I can’t keep on living like this. I need to feel like I can be me.”

  “Come over tonight, okay?” implored Gretchen once again. “You can be yourself in my apartment. You don’t have anything to fear there.”

  Naomi nodded slowly, but she didn’t say anything. It had been an emotional couple of weeks since they returned from Maine, and Gretchen could tell it had really taken its toll on Naomi. Looking out through the small window in the door to the keg room, Gretchen saw that a new set of customers had arrived.

  “We have people,” she said. “Are you ready to go back out there?”

  Naomi stood up. After a pause, she shimmied up to Gretchen and she wrapped her arms around her waist. Then, leaning in, Naomi instigated a slow but eager kiss, a kiss which Gretchen immediately and happily returned. The girls stood there for a few moments more in the coldness of the keg room, kissing and holding to one another.

  To Naomi, the kiss felt like a huge release, an immense weight off her shoulders. And Gretchen felt similar, but she also knew that it wasn’t over yet. There was still a pretty steep elevation that the two of them would have to climb together.

  “Remember when we were standing there waiting for that guy Theo to arrive with our food resupply?” said Naomi. She was sitting crosslegged on Gretchen’s couch, holding a bottle of beer in both of her hands. Gretchen sat across from her, on the other side of the coffee table, perched on a floor pillow. “We were tired and barely had any food left and it was like… is he coming?” Gretchen smiled and laughed.

  “And that was only midway through the hike,” Gretchen added. “It’s hard to believe the hike was only six days. When we were in it, it felt like such a long time.” Her eyes glazed over as she thought about it, and then Gretchen absently took a sip of beer.

  “I loved those British people,” Naomi continued in her reminiscing. “They were so funny and animated.”

  “We met a lot of great people on the hike,” Gretchen agreed. “A lot of weirdos.”

  “You think some of them thought we were the weirdos?”

  “Most definitely,” said Gretchen. She grinned.

  “We are weirdos,” said Naomi. “Everybody is.”

  “All right, so…” Gretchen pivoted. “Back to the topic at hand.”

  “The topic at hand,” Naomi repeated with a distant gaze.

  “I think you should be brave,” said Gretchen. “You were brave to come with me on the hike. You showed a lot of courage and you did something that very few people will ever do. I think you’re a strong and confident woman. And it will feel so much better to be open about who you are. It will feel freeing to finally get to be yourself.”

  “But what if they hate me?” asked Naomi. “What if they stop speaking to me?”

  “You can’t control how other people think and feel,” said Gretchen. “It sucks, but that’s how it goes. Being a people pleaser, just going along and doing what other people want you to do, it damages the soul. It takes guts to live life on your own terms, and I think you’ll find you get rewarded for being so valiant.”

  “I hope so,” Naomi said, taking another drink. It had really sunk in for her how deep she was into all this. Her anger had subsided into acceptance. But now she just wanted to get to the other side.

  “If your family really loves you, they will accept you,” said Gretchen. “And it might take them some time to realize this. Real life stories don’t always have happy endings, but if you matter to them more than bigotry and hatred, they’ll come around.”

  “I don’t think they’re really bigoted or hateful people,” Naomi proposed.

  “Then that’s good,” said Gretchen. “But if they react adversely right away, just give them space. And you’re allowed to be sad, too. You just have to realize that you’re not at fault, you’re not bad, and you’re not wrong.”

  “I really liked when I was Nova,” Naomi said, a new smile moving over her. “I felt so fearless and confident. I didn’t worry what people thought of me when they met me. I didn’t really have any worries out there on the trail, to be honest. And after a long day of hiking, all I could really think about was crashing hard and getting some sleep.”

  “That’s who you are,” Gretchen implored. “You are Nova. You just need to figure out how to bridge the gap between being on the trail and living your normal life. I know you can do it. Just summon that same strength we had to find when we knew we just had a few more miles until a campsite. You just keep pushing.”

  “Yeah,” Naomi said, letting Gretchen’s words marinate. “I know you’re right. I feel this confidence and strength inside of me. It’s just a little dormant. It’s just under the surface.”

  “It’s bubbling up,” Gretchen said matter-of-factly. “I can feel it.”

  Naomi smiled. She could feel it, too.

  The night carried on, and the girls gleefully remembered their trip. It had only been two weeks but it was beginning to feel so distant. They had both recovered already. Their knees, their calves, their ankles, their feet, it all felt back to normal. With the aches and pains subsiding, it made the hike feel all that much more in the past. But it was nice to talk about it, to gloat to one another about what a big thing they had done. And it was exciting to talk about other similar trips that they might want to make in the future.

  “Are you going to stay over?” Gretchen asked tenderly. The girls both stood near the kitchen after cleaning up, holding each other’s hands, feeling a small buzz from the beers they had drank.

  “I don’t know,” said Naomi coyly. She smiled. “Why should I?”

  “Because I love you,” Gretchen said, leaning in and kissing her. “And I love being with you.”

  “Mmm,” Naomi hummed in response. She now kissed Gretchen. “I love you, too. You’re my best friend, and you’re the only person I want to be with.”

  “So stay,” said Gretchen.

  “Okay,” Naomi agreed easily, planting another kiss on Gretchen’s lips. “I’ll stay.”

  It didn’t take that much more back and forth before the girls ended up in Gretchen’s bed together. They laughed and kissed and explored each other joyfully, the first time they had gone to bed since returning from their adventure. It was something they had both missed, being next to each other in the dark of the night. And this time it was all the more comfortable, not ha
ving to sleep on the ground or in a hammock, or even in that small single bed at the Hiker Hostel. Gretchen’s bed was much bigger and softer than any of that.

  Naomi gave herself over to the passion, and it felt so freeing to spread her legs wide and have Gretchen dive in. It was exactly the kind of thing she imagined when she imagined having sex. She had imagined it with her first crush Lily so long ago, she had imagined it with a few other women since then, and she imagined it with Gretchen ever since the two had met. To have Gretchen’s tongue exploring her soft, wet flesh, sending shivers of desire throughout her limbs, it gave Naomi goosebumps and it made her feel like her heart was going to rip out of her chest.

  At one point, they ended up in a sixty-nine, and she felt the excitement overtake her as Gretchen pleasured her below all while Naomi stared up into her lover’s pussy, using her thumb to caress it back and forth through its wetness. Gretchen slowly lowered herself, and as her middle closed in on Naomi’s face, Naomi eagerly opened her mouth and began to eat Gretchen out. It felt wonderful—for both of them—but particularly for Naomi, who was walking on air as she felt how spectacular it was to both give and receive at the same time.

  It all felt so natural, and so right. With Gretchen, Naomi didn’t feel like she was a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. In fact, when she was with Gretchen, all holes felt appropriate and fitting for Naomi. Perched on her knees on the floor at the foot of the bed, Naomi eagerly licked and sucked at Gretchen’s pussy, with Gretchen’s legs spread and draped wide off of the bed. With her lips focused on Gretchen’s clit, Naomi pushed two fingers inside of her and began slowly and methodically penetrating her. The noises coming from Gretchen and her writhing on the bed gave Naomi all the confidence she needed to continue.

  And when Gretchen finally burst in a series of moans and convulsions, Naomi felt indescribably pleased. Her sense of accomplishment filled her with both gratitude and faith. Faith that this was right, that this was where she was supposed to be. But most of all, watching Gretchen climax filled Naomi with a deeper sense of love for her best friend. It made her want to do it again and again. It made her want Gretchen to be happy like that forever.

  The girls laid next to each other in bed, sweaty and happy, Gretchen with an arm around Naomi and cuddling up together. Gretchen played with a few strands of Naomi’s dark hair, adoring and loving her, while Naomi’s sense of accomplishment continued to thrive. There was no other place she wanted to be and for once in her life was finally beginning to feel like it was on track. And it was all thanks to Gretchen. Gretchen, whether she meant to or not, had been the driving force for Naomi to come out of her shell. And life outside that container felt fantastic.

  “Thank you,” cooed Naomi happily, she leaned her face over and kissed Gretchen on the shoulder.

  “For what?” Gretchen replied, her face beaming in post-orgasmic bliss.

  “For everything,” confirmed Naomi. “Thanks for being there for me, thanks for pushing me even when I didn’t want to be pushed. Thanks for loving me for who I am.”

  “I’ll always be here for you,” said Gretchen. “I love you so much.”

  “I love you, too.”

  Naomi rolled over and pushed against Gretchen now, and they resumed kissing and fondling and hugging. The night was still young, and there was more love to explore. And Naomi, finally starting to find herself and see herself for who she truly was, couldn’t get enough. Desire was in her bones, and she wanted to be there in bed with Gretchen for all eternity.

  A few days later, Gretchen and Naomi went together to the front office of the Timberline apartment complex. There was an open two-bedroom available and they immediately put down a deposit to hold it while they got everything lined up. Naomi still hadn’t told her family that she was planning to move out of the backyard cottage—and nor had she told them her much more important news—but she was thrilled nonetheless that the wheels were in motion to move in with Gretchen. Every moment she spent with Gretchen, now that she was finally beginning to accept her own feelings, was filled with happiness and excitement.

  They traded off whose place they slept at, but they stayed with one another most nights. It reminded them, in a way, of how it had been when they were on their hike. It just felt right to sleep side by side, and any night spent alone felt disappointing and lacking. After one particular evening spent over at Naomi’s, the girls woke up early, lazily drank a few cups of coffee together, and got to work packing up Naomi’s things and preparing to move her life over to the new apartment.

  “Should we hide the boxes?” Gretchen asked, setting a big box, open and full of clothes, down on the couch. “I mean, if they look in the windows, they’ll know something is up.”

  “They don’t ever come down here,” said Naomi. “I’m not worried.”

  “I’m a little worried that you haven’t told them yet, to be honest,” Gretchen warned. “You’re going to hit them with this and it’s going to seem like you’ve been sneaking around and keeping things from them.”

  “Well…” Naomi said. “I guess I have.” She smiled and shrugged.

  “But I thought your thing was that you don’t want to damage your relationship,” Gretchen pushed. “Don’t you think you’ll do exactly that if you tell them you’re moving out and do it the next day?”

  “Yeah, maybe,” Naomi reluctantly agreed. She dropped the box she’d been holding down onto a table and paused to think about Gretchen’s words. “I guess I just don’t know yet how to put it all out there.”

  “I can be there if you want,” offered Gretchen.

  “I don’t know if that would be a good idea,” replied Naomi. “I just don’t know how it’s all going to go down.”

  “You should do it soon,” said Gretchen. “At least tell them you’re moving. I know coming out can be much harder, and you should wait until you’re really ready for that.”

  “I’ll go tell them now,” Naomi said with resolve after another moment of thought. “Why not? I should just do it. Pull the bandage off.”

  “That you’re moving or that you’re gay… or both?” asked Gretchen.

  “I don’t know,” Naomi said. “My Dad isn’t even home right now. He should be at work. Though my Mom is.”

  “So you’re going to go tell your Mom right now?”

  “Yes,” Naomi said. A smile moved over her face.

  “Do you want me to come with you?”

  “No, it’s fine,” said Naomi. “I’ll be right back.”

  And with those simple words, Naomi moved to the door of her little cottage and she walked through it. Gretchen watched her with a bit of confusion, the puzzlement written on her face. But at the same time, she was proud that Naomi was taking the reins. The confident Nova was starting to make herself known.

  Naomi walked through the yard and up to her parents’ home. It was only past nine in the morning, and there was a crisp breeze outside. She moved with authority and courage, feeling as though she could do this. There was nothing to be afraid of. She was, after all, a grown woman and she could do whatever she wanted.

  Entering through the side door and moving into the kitchen, Naomi almost immediately saw her mother, who was sitting at the kitchen counter and working out a grocery list on a small notepad.

  “Hey,” Naomi said, stopping in her tracks as she felt a wave of nervousness wash over her. She pushed through it, though, and she put on a brave face.

  “Hello, dear,” said her mother with a half-smile. “Good morning.”

  “Morning,” Naomi replied. She took a few steps closer to where her mother sat. “Can I talk to you for a moment?”

  “Yes, of course,” her mother replied. She put her pen down. “What’s going on?”

  “A lot’s been going on,” admitted Naomi. “I applied for a job at a credit union, and I already heard back. They want to set up a phone interview next week, and if that works out I’ll have to drive down to Lansing for an in-person.”

  “You’re not pla
nning to move to Lansing, are you?” her mother asked with uncertainty.

  “No,” said Naomi. “They’re opening a branch here.”

  “Oh,” her mother mused. She smiled. “That’s great, I’m really happy for you. I’ve been hoping that you’d move on from your bar job and get something a little more stable.”

  “I’m happy about it, too,” Naomi said with a smile. “I’m excited to see what happens. I also have other news.”

  “Other news,” her mother repeated. “What’s that?”

  “I’m moving out,” Naomi conferred with a new light in her eyes. “I’m signing a lease on an apartment with my friend Gretchen.”

  “Well, all right!” her mother said with a short laugh. “I might think you’d wait until you actually got this new job before committing to signing a lease, but it is probably time for you to move out on your own. I’m glad you found a friend that you would be happy to live with.”

  “Thanks,” Naomi said. She paused. It had been so much easier than she had built up in her mind, and because of this ease her confidence was soaring. Naomi felt good about herself and about her new direction. “I’ve got another thing. Another thing to tell you.”

  “Well, you sure have a lot going on,” her mother said. “All right. What else have you got?”

  “My friend Gretchen,” Naomi began. “That I’m moving in with. She’s not just my friend. Mom, she’s my girlfriend.” Her mother looked confused.

  “Your friend Gretchen that you went to Maine to hike with,” said her mother. “She’s your… girlfriend? I’m not sure I understand, dear.”

  “I think you do…” Naomi said slowly.

  “I…” her mother replied, still seeming like she wasn’t able to put it together. “I’m not sure.”

  “I’m gay, Mom,” Naomi said, her eyes beginning to water a bit but she held tightly to her confidence. “I’ve felt it for a very long time, but I haven’t been able to admit it to myself. Well, here I am admitting it now. I know it might be hard or shocking, but I’m still your daughter and I still love this family and I hope nothing changes between us. I just wanted you to know, okay?”