She was lost in the vast ocean of life, and as each moment passed, she found herself too weak to tread water…so she was drowning.
Silently, she continued to pray, until exhaustion overcame her and she felt herself drifting off to sleep.
“May?” Red said.
“Yes?” her voice barely audible. Why was he awake?
“You wanna know something?” The room was dark and completely silent. She didn’t want to know anything; she wished that he would just go back to sleep, and even if it were just for the night, he would leave her alone and give her a rest. A chill ran through her, although she didn’t know why. She didn’t move to turn toward him. Instead she continued to face the wall, her body tightened harder into its fetal position.
“I wasn’t gonna take you home anyway…” His words dropped like an atomic bomb into the silence of the room. “I’m never gonna let you go. Never. You’re mine now. You get it? You belong to me, same as that bike outside, same as my colors, same as every other possession I got. YOU are mine. And, you’re gonna do what I tell you to do, and you’re gonna stop trying to disobey me. You understand? And by the way…you’re gonna like it,” Red said.
She lay beside him, listening to the rhythm of her own breath and pounding of her heartbeat. Her body trembled with anger. May wanted to be good, to do the right thing, but Red was nothing but an arrogant bastard. Well, he didn’t know May. She would show him that she could hold her own against him. For now, she would stay with him, play his game and be quiet. Oh yes, she would play his game…for now…only because she had to. But the day would come when he would pay for this. He hurt her, not only her body, but her soul. He damaged her, and although her body would heal, she would wear the scar inside of her forever. And she couldn’t help it, she hated him for it.
His cruel laughter rang through the small apartment.
She didn’t want to cry again, but the tears won the battle, soaking her pillow. How she despised her own vulnerability. If only she could kill him. Maybe she would wait until he was asleep, then stab him with a knife. The thought brought her comfort, even though she knew she would never have the guts to carry it through.
So, for now, life had left her no choice; she must wait like a spider for the right moment, and then, when the time came, she would be free.
Chapter 9
It was the tenth of July. Today, May would turn sixteen. She awoke early and watched Red for a moment while he slept. His mouth lay open and his eyelids twitched as he snored lightly. Covered with the new gray and white cotton blanket she’d bought the previous day, he looked almost innocent in his rest. The angry lines on his face had gone smooth, hiding all evidence of the domineering man she knew him to be. The sun had not come up yet, but she got out of bed quietly and went to sit on the couch and wait for the day to begin. Sipping a cup of steaming coffee, she watched the world awaken. Birds chirped softly as the sun painted the sky from black to gray, to light blue.
Four weeks had gone by since she’d moved in. After scrubbing and polishing, the apartment finally looked like a home. With great effort, she’d learned to use a roller, and painted the bathroom white. Then May lined the medicine cabinet with shiny black shelf paper with silver peace signs on it, which she bought at Woolworth’s. In a good mood one Sunday afternoon, Red had given her thirty dollars to buy a few things for the apartment. He insisted that the shower curtain be black, but allowed her to buy one adorned with silver stars. Four thick black bath towels now waited in the linen closet. And in the kitchen, there was a tall metal pot for cooking pasta, and a skillet for everything else.
With ten dollars of her own money, she went to Goodwill, where she bought two pairs of jeans and three tee shirts for herself. Then she’d taken them to the Laundromat, and now they were folded neatly in the drawer at the bottom of the dresser that Red had given her to use.
Red had relaxed his hold on her. It seemed as if she’d finally convinced him that she had no plans of leaving him, and so he allowed her a small amount of freedom.
Once a week, she’d packed a laundry sack and walked to a coin laundry just a block down the street where she washed, dried and folded all of their laundry.
“I can’t remember when my shit was this clean,” Red said laughing.
“It smells nice, doesn’t it?”
“It smells all girly, like you,” he said. “Did I ever tell you that you smell a little baby? Hell the first time I kissed you, I smelled powder.”
“You don’t like it?”
“I didn’t say that. To tell you the truth, it’s kinda nice.”
She smiled.
The jeans he’d picked up had been folded neatly on top of the dresser; smelling them, he shook his head and smiled. Then walking over, he’d kissed her tenderly.
Red was a hard man to understand; his moods could change in an instant. Sometimes he was so loving that she found it hard to remember the cruelty she’d witnessed just an hour before. Then, when the vicious side of him poked through, she could not remember the other. May sometimes thought she might be going crazy.
Every morning, she prepared oatmeal for herself and bacon and eggs for Red. Although he usually started drinking right after breakfast, he seemed to be enjoying the stability. For May it was like having a real home - not perfect by any means, but in her mind, close enough. She couldn’t say that she loved Red. But she’d gotten used to him, and when he was not drunk, which usually brought on the violence, she didn’t feel that strong hatred toward him. So, at least for now, she was content where she was. When things fell into place, she would be ready, and she would leave him behind, but at least for the time being, she was all right living with him.
Outside, the birds chirped louder as the morning sun grew hotter.
Red would be awake soon because he hadn’t gotten drunk the night before. He need never ask; she always had his breakfast ready when he got out of bed.
A little after ten, Red came sauntering slowly out of the bedroom wearing only boxer shorts; his toned, muscular body had developed a slight beer gut since May had started cooking for him. Red ran his fingers through his longish dark hair to settle it down.
“Happy birthday, Baby!” he said.
“Thanks. I didn’t realize you knew.”
“Sure, I know when my ol’ lady’s birthday is. You’re gonna be sixteen today, right? What’s that song?” He started singing, “Tra la la, happy birthday sweet sixteen.” He patted her behind.
She laughed. “I know that song,” she said.
“I got ya a present.” He walked back to the bedroom and brought back a small box. “This is for you.”
She smiled, so touched by his kindness that tears stung the back of her eyes. The sweetness of the moment made her feel angry with herself now for all of the times she hated him and thought about running away. May leaned over and kissed him. “Thanks Red, really.”
“Fuckin’ open it already,” he said, indicating the box.
The container was a small, perfect square. It was pure white with gold lettering that said, “Samuelson’s Jewelers, since 1944.” Her hands trembled as she lifted the lid. Inside, a tiny ring stood encased in black. Taking it out, she studied it. It was a thin gold band with a tiny diamond chip.
“We’re gonna get married. I think we can do it in Tennessee. I’m not sure but I think you’re old enough there. Give me a couple of days so I can check it out,” Red said.
He sat up straight and smiled.
“Oh.” That was all she could say.
“Well, ain’t you happy?”
“Yes…of course, Red.”
“You sure don’t look happy. So what the fuck do you want?” He said. She saw his temper begin to rise.
“Red, I’m happy. I’m just shocked is all.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
With a nod of satisfaction, he seemed pleased with her answer.
“I got some things to take care of today. I’ll be back later.”
“Don’t you want your breakfast?”
“I ain’t got time.”
“Okay,” she said.
Red left.
Alone in the house, she was relieved. At least she didn’t have to contend with Red’s strange mood swings for the moment. While she was eating her oatmeal, she looked out the window, wishing she had a pet, a cat, perhaps, to shower with all this love she had built up inside of her. Marriage to Red. The idea was unthinkable. She had to find a way out. She couldn’t commit to something so permanent. Maybe he’d find out that she was too young to be married legally. That would be the best solution. Otherwise, if he decided that he wanted her to be his wife, she would have a great deal of trouble escaping his plan. It certainly appeared as if Jill was wrong. Red was not about to let her go.
Chapter 10
It was early evening when Red returned with a half-grin, like the Cheshire cat. His mood was bright. He walked over to May, and kissed and hugged her, then whistled softly as he poured himself a whiskey.
“I got some stuff I gotta pick up at the clubhouse,” he said. “Come on over there with me. Afterwards, we’ll go and get a pizza.” She had not been to the clubhouse in quite a while, and she looked forward to spending some time with Jill.
The ride out to the country was lovely. The smell of the open air and the wind in her hair helped May to put the proposal out of her mind, giving her a sense of well being.
The clubhouse was filled with people. Red and Jill had planned a party. Because Red told her it was May’s birthday, Jill had bought three helium balloons, two green and one yellow. There was a birthday cake on the table, and bottles of wine, whiskey and beer all around the room. When May walked in, Jill led everyone in singing “Happy Birthday.” May saw Red beaming as he watched her. A tear came to her eye. Sometimes he was so sweet.
May hugged Red, and then she hugged Jill.
“Thanks so much, you guys. This is so groovy!” May said.
“Thanks. I’m glad you like it. I tried,” Jill said.
Red raised his hands. “Hey, shut up, motherfuckers. Listen, today’s a holiday; it’s my ol’ ladies birthday. So, we’re gonna have us a hell of a party. And ‘cause it’s her birthday, I’m gonna give her anything she wants. I mean, anything at all. You just ask, May, and it’s granted. What do you want, Baby?” He motioned to May to come to him. She knew he’d been drinking heavily. She smelled it on his breath. May must be careful.
“Come on, what do you want?” Red put his arm around May and leaned down to kiss the top of her head.
This was her chance. She’d wanted to ask him this for a long time. He did say she could ask for anything and it would be granted. Lillly summoned all of her courage. “Red… I… I want to get a job. I’d love to have some money to fix up the apartment and stuff.”
He glared at her. “Shit, don’t I give you enough? What the fuck? Why the hell do you have to go and ruin everything? You’re making me look like a fuck-up in front of my gang. Son of a bitch!” Red slammed his fist on the table.
His face turned the color of fresh blood, and his eyes rolled back in his head like a shark. Within seconds he could change from one person to another.
“Red, I’m sorry,” May said, trembling.
“Shut up… Ya hear me?”
He turned around and slapped her across the face hard enough to split her lip. Blood dripped onto her white tee shirt. Filled with terror, she tried to run away, but he caught her by a lock of her hair. Then, spinning her around, he hit her in the stomach. A hush fell over the room as she fell to the floor. Without looking at her again, he walked outside.
A few minutes later, the noise started back up again. People began talking and drinking. She still lay there, but no one paid any attention to May. Only Jill seemed to care. She walked over with a napkin to wipe the blood that was flowing down May’s chin.
“It looks worse than it is… Lips bleed a lot,” Jill said, and she tried to smile.
“Does George hit you?”
“Yeah, sometimes. They all do.”
“Mmmm,” May winced at the pain as Jill wiped her lip.
“Sorry, sweetie. I didn’t mean to hurt you,” Jill said.
“I know. I’m okay.”
Once the bleeding had stopped, Jill got May a Coke, and they sat in the corner, smoking.
“Thanks for helping me out,” May said.
“Sure. I’ve been there. When they hit you like that, it’s a mixture of the actual pain of the punch and a feeling of a deeper hurt. Like a hurt that’s inside of you… You know what I’m talking about?”
“Yeah, I do. It’s humiliation,” May said
“Huh? What does that mean??
“It’s kinda like the guy who just hit you is stronger than you are, so he can put you down, and you have to take his shit because you can’t fight back.”
“Yeah, exactly. And it really makes you feel like a piece of crap,” Jill said.
“Yep, it sure does.”
“You really wanna get a job?”
“Yeah, I do. I want my own money. I hate to have to ask Red all the time for everything I want. It gives him so much control over me. When I go to get food, I have to tell him what I’m gonna buy and he has to approve. I hate that. I still have a little bit of money left from when I left home, but not much, and I’m trying to hold on to it because if I don’t get a job there won’t be any more coming in.”
“I can dig it. I keep sayin’ I’m gonna go to work so I can get some money to go to beauty school,” Jill said.
“You ought to.”
“Ya think so?”
“Hell, yeah.”
“Maybe you should go with me. We could do it together. That’d be cool. Don’t ya think?” Jill asked. Her face had burst into a smile.
“Yep, I do. We could take our classes together and have lunch together. I’m not that good with hair and makeup, but you could help me,” May said.
“That would be so much fun. We could do it together. When I read stuff I couldn’t understand, you could help me.”
May laughed. “What makes you think I’d understand it?”
“I know you would. You’re like that. I see you readin’ all that shit all the time. All those damn books, right? And you know what the fuck you’re reading. When I read, I have trouble remembering what I read a few minutes before. It’s sorta like I lose track.”
“Well, you’ll get used to it. The more you read, the easier it gets to understand.”
“You think so?”
“Sure I do. If you want, I could help you, even now, before we started beauty school. I’ll give you one of my books. You read it, and then we can talk about it.”
“Ehhh… I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t know. I never read a whole book.”
“Well, if you ever decide, just ask.”
“I will. But, it would be so cool to go to school together. It would be like we had something worthwhile to do every day. You know what I mean?”
“Yeah, I do, but Red’d never let me.”
“George don’t care. I’m just so fuckin’ lazy. I don’t wanna go to work, that’s a real pain in the ass. And if you aint going with me, then I don’t want to go to school neither. Fuck, ya gotta get up in the morning, early, lots a times. Now, I can just lay around until noon if I want to. And besides, you gotta pass tests and kiss up to teachers. Fuck that shit.”
Red had been standing outside. He walked back in and straight to May. She turned away, and wouldn’t look at him. He saw her swollen lip and blood-streaked shirt.
“Baby, I’m sorry. It’s just that you embarrassed me in front of the guys. If you go ta work it looks like I ain’t givin’ you what you need. It makes me look like less of a man. And you know who I am, I’m the leader of this bike club. I can’t look weak and pussy-whipped. I gotta be strong and in control, or there’s always some fucker just waiting to take my place. Don’t you see, Baby… I love you.” He dropped to his knees and took her hand, kissing her palm.
> “You hurt me, Red,” May said.
“I’m sorry. I know. I lost my temper. Come on, Baby, it’s your birthday. Don’t ruin it. Forgive me. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“Jill, can I stay at your place tonight?” May asked.
“Yeah, sure, why not?”
“Shut the fuck up, bitch. When I’m talkin’ to my ol’ lady, you ain’t got no business stickin’ your big nose in it. You watch out, or I’ll knock the livin’ shit out of you,” Red said to Jill. Then, he turned to May. “You ain’t gotta stay nowhere else. I know I got crazy, but I didn’t mean nothin.’ And I promise you, Baby, I ain’t never gonna do it again.”
“Red, leave me alone now, please,” she whispered.
“All right, listen. You can get yourself a job, if that’s gonna make you happy. Now let this bullshit go, and let’s have us a good time tonight. I said I’d give you anything you wanted, right? And I am.
See? See, how good I am to my baby? I take care of my ol’ lady, right?”
He looked at her, and she knew that this was it. He’d made his concession, and if she persisted he would become angry again. That was his way. If she wanted to avoid another beating, it was best to accept his apology.
“Yeah, Red, thank you,” May said, looking down at the gray concrete floor.
He leaned over and kissed the top of her head.
“Now, let’s get us some of that fuckin’ cake. Did you see that cake? It looks damn good, don’t it?”
Jill glanced over at May when she was sure Red was turned away, and with no sound, she mouthed, “Are you okay?”
May answered with a nod and a sad smile.
A Time of Anarchy- Mayan's Story Page 6