A Time of Anarchy- Mayan's Story

by Roberta Kagan

  “And you’re not kidding; there’s a lot happening here all the time.”

  “Yes, people come here to find themselves.”

  “Is that why you came?”

  “Well, that and a shitty divorce. I was married for a while. He wasn’t ready to grow with me. He was stuck in the bourgeois bullshit. We lived in the suburbs, and he wanted me to have kids and be a PTA mom. That just was not my bag. He needs a chick who is willing to give up her life for him. That’s not me. So, I filed for divorce, and here I am.”

  “Cool,” May said.

  “So now you know my story. It’s a pretty easy one to know. Why don’t we go back to my place, have a cup of herbal tea, and rap a while?”

  “Sure,” May said, and they began to head back to the apartment.

  Isis was her first friend in San Francisco. She was older, more mature and confident. May was in awe of her.

  Isis’s apartment had been painted in psychedelic colors, and instead of a sofa or chairs, large colorful pillows were strewn about the hardwood floor. It was a larger place than the one May shared with Cricket. Isis put an album on the record player and turned it on. A female folk singer began singing in a high soprano, but soothing voice.

  The tea was delicious; it was fresh mint with honey, and they sipped it slowly while sitting on the floor.

  “Hey, wanna smoke a joint?”

  “No, it’s too early in the day for me for that,” May said.

  Isis laughed. “Hey, no time like the present, they say.” She lit the marijuana and began smoking. After a while, May took the joint and joined her.

  “Did you ever do it with girl?” Isis asked.

  May was shocked and intimidated. “You mean sex?” She shook her head. “No.”

  “It’s fun. It doesn’t mean you’re a lesbo or anything. It’s just cool to try everything there is to try. Experience it all. You know? I mean, why the hell not? As far as we know, we only go around once. I don’t want to leave any stone unturned,” Isis said, and she took another puff. “Hell, I’ve done girls and guys, and sometimes both at the same time. You know what else? I’ve gone outside naked. I ran through the street.” Now she belly laughed. “Everybody turned around; they were so freaked. What a fucking joke. I just wanted to see what would happen. And…I was tripping on acid at the time. Have you ever tripped; you know, dropped acid?”

  “No.”

  “Well, it’s fucking cool, but you better have a trip guide or you could get lost in your head and never find your way back to reality.”

  May had no idea what Isis was talking about. She thought she might want to get going. A pin-prickly feeling climbed up her spine.

  “It’s a hallucinogenic. That means you see things that aren’t there. But they really are there. It’s just like shit that other people can’t see. I mean…it’s magical. It’s like you see things that are taking place in another time zone,” Isis said.

  “Sounds groovy, but I gotta go for now. My boyfriend will be back soon, and he’ll be looking for me.” May was intrigued, but frightened too. She would have liked to let go of her inhibitions. It was freedom that she craved, and yet, now that she had it, she was afraid to take that final step off the edge of the cliff. She’d come this far, she’d left home, gotten away from Red, and finally she’d arrived here in California. So wasn’t it time to let loose and be everything she wished she could be?

  It sounded better in theory than it did in reality. She was afraid. So May stood up and walked to the door, placing her tea cup on the kitchen table.

  “Hey, don’t be a stranger. Maybe we could do acid sometime. I would be happy to be your trip guide. That way you’d go to places where you’d see good things and not evil stuff. What do you think?”

  “We’ll see,” May said, and she left.

  As she walked back to her apartment, May thought about her parents. She remembered how her father had told her she was stupid, and that she should be as quiet as possible when she was around other people or they might realize how dumb she was. Although he was kidding, his words had hurt her deeply, more deeply than he ever knew. And strangely enough, she’d been too wounded to ever tell him. For years, she’d been intimidated by everyone and everything. That was why she lived her life in books. Oh yes, she realized, from the reaction she got from men, that she was attractive enough, but she never felt that she was equal to other people. In her mind, everyone she met was smarter or better than she. It was always safer to be alone. Now, she found herself intimidated by Isis. She wasn’t even sure that she wanted the woman’s friendship, and yet she felt as if she needed to apologize to Isis for her shortcomings.

  For her fear and unwillingness to grow and expand through experiences that made her uncomfortable. The encounter with the older woman brought back a strange and uncomfortable memory. When May was about eleven, she’d slept at the home of a friend from school. They talked well into the night. At some point the other girl suggested that they play a game and pretend they were dating their favorite rock star. It would go like this, May’s friend explained. First May would be the girl and the other girl would be the boy she crushed on. They would talk and the boy would say all the beautiful things May longed to hear, fulfilling her wildest dreams. This is what the girl promised, and so May agreed to try. At first the game was fun and exciting. But when May’s girlfriend touched her vagina, May became uncomfortable and stopped the game.

  For years it had bothered her. But what had disturbed her was not the action the other girl had taken, but the mild pleasurable feelings that it brought on. That sickened her to the point of being physically ill. She did not want to be a lesbian. The idea was terrifying. And now, once again, that offer was on the table with Isis. Maybe it was better not to have this woman’s friendship at all. May was confused. And sometimes she hated herself.

  The thoughts from the past kept slipping into the present even as she arrived back at her apartment. Cricket had not yet returned, so she was all alone with her thoughts. She wished her family life had been different, that her parents had cared. If only they’d loved her. It was as if she were no more than an afterthought to them. They never bothered to buy her clothes for school. Instead they thought she should be grateful to wear the hand-me-downs her older cousin cast off. May was always ashamed, and so she avoided her cousin and tried not to make too many friends. That way she was assured she would not embarrass herself by “talking too much and sounding stupid.” When she asked her parents why they didn’t love her, why she was not important to them, neither of them ever answered. Their answer was always anger and hostility. Even now, her face felt hot with jealousy when she thought about the other girls at school, the way their fathers held them in such high esteem. They were like princesses, and she was like the unwanted toad. And like an unwanted toad, she’d grown lots of emotional warts. So, as she grew up, there had been no one to trust or talk to…not until Cricket.

  It was late in the afternoon when Cricket returned. He told May that he’d tried the hospitals, but they were not hiring. However, he had found a job waiting tables at a coffee house a few blocks from the apartment. She saw the disappointment in his eyes, and for a brief period she wondered if she’d made a mistake dragging him away from Chicago.

  “Money’s gonna be a little tight for a while, until I can get a better gig,” Cricket said. “I just took this one for the time being. I want to be sure to do what I can to provide for you.”

  May looked at him. He wasn’t jovial; he seemed nervous and withdrawn. His hands were trembling and his face was pale.

  “What’s wrong?” May asked him. “Do you feel okay?”

  “I saw some vets from ‘Nam on the street this afternoon; they were pretty messed up. A couple of them were in wheelchairs. One of them had lost an arm. It brought back some fucked-up memories.”

  She went to him and put her arms around him. He did not embrace her for a few minutes. Then he took her into his arms and began to cry. For a long time they stood together, not
speaking. Then Cricket broke away and went into the bathroom.

  It was almost a half hour before he returned, but when he did he was calm and no longer crying.

  “Sorry, Baby… I had a bad moment. I can’t believe I cried like a fucking baby in front of you.”

  She nodded. “It’s okay.”

  He walked over to her and took her hand in his, kissing it.

  “You’re my life now, sweetheart. You’re everything to me and no matter what happens, we’re going to find a way to be happy here.”

  “And you are the same to me, Cricket. You don’t have to be afraid to cry. Not with me,” she said.

  “May, I love you. I really love you. I just hope I can find a decent job and make decent money to support you. Right now, I’m not sure.”

  She smiled at him, and felt as if she might cry herself.

  “I love you too. Cricket. You’re my best friend, my lover, and all that I have that is good in this messed-up world.”

  “Someday, after some time has gone by and Red has cooled down, I’ve gotta call him and talk to him. I don’t feel too good about what we did. And how we did it,” Cricket said. “After all, he’s my brother. He’ll understand if we just explain it to him.”

  “Let’s wait for a long while, okay?”

  “Yeah, six months at least.”

  “At least,” she said.

  “Wanna get something to eat?”

  “Yeah, let’s get a pizza.”

  “Cool. When I was job hunting, I saw a little pizza place a couple of blocks away. We can walk,” he said.

  “Sounds great; let’s go.”

  Chapter 58

  Chicago

  After the shootout in the alleyway at Howard St. and Polina Ave. behind the “L” train that killed fifteen of the Evil Brothers, including the leader, the Brothers left the city limits. Now, Red’s blood lust was satisfied. He’d avenged the death of his brother and his girl. Nobody would dare to call him as weak.

  But he still missed Cricket. He thought about him constantly, although he would never admit it to any of his gang members. Often Red reminisced about his youth and the closeness he felt toward Cricket. The times they’d stayed up late at night sharing their dreams in whispered voices, of being like the heroes in the comic books they’d read. Or when Red had gotten his first motorcycle and taken Cricket for a ride. It seemed like a lifetime ago. Perhaps it was strange, but even when Cricket was in ‘Nam, Red had refused to believe that he might not come home. The very idea was out of the question. Everyone else could die, but not Cricket. And now, Cricket was gone.

  Sometimes Red thought about the girl, May. Not as often as his brother, of course, but sometimes. She’d captured his heart, in a way, with her innocence. Innocence, but strength too. She never fell at his feet like the other girls did. May was her own person. Red thought she might have grown into a hell of a woman someday. But the Brothers had destroyed her as well.

  Chapter 59

  In the mornings and evenings, the weather was cool in San Francisco. But in the afternoons, the sun glazed the state, and often it was quite warm, sometimes even hot. So on that Monday morning when she started work, May wore a sleeveless shirt with a cardigan sweater. She was nervous, and as always when she was nervous, her stomach was too jittery for her to eat anything.

  On the way to the bookstore, a group of Hari Krishnas came to her, asking for money. She gave them a quarter, and they began trying to recruit her. She walked faster. Today was an important day; she could not be late.

  When she opened the door to the rare bookstore, a bell played a few bars from Beethoven’s ninth symphony. The air was fragrant with incense and a small fire place crackled in the corner. Beside the fire were large, comfortable, burgundy leather chairs. On the floor lay an authentic Persian rug of handmade wool. When she’d first come to apply for the job, May had been too nervous to notice any of this. The old books lined beautiful cherry wood shelves. Between the smell of the fire mingling with the incense and the calm serenity of a home for the imaginations of masters, May was swept away. This was where she belonged.

  “Welcome,” Malachi said from behind a tall book shelf. “Would you like some tea or coffee?”

  “Yes. Some coffee would be great.”

  “Come, follow me; we offer coffee and snacks to our customers.”

  “Is this your shop?”

  “That it is, young lady.”

  “It’s really special.”

  “I hope so; the books here are what make this place special. Not I. I am only their keeper for a short time until another fortunate soul comes upon them to discover their wonderful secrets.” He winked at her. “And every book,” he motioned across the room with the palm of his hand, “every single one of them, has a story to tell and a journey to embark upon. Quite exciting, isn’t it? I envy those who have yet to read a book that has been one of my favorites. Ahh, the joy that awaits them…”

  May followed Malachi to a table that was set up in the back of the store. There, two pots brewed. One held boiled water for tea, the other a dark, rich blend of French coffee. Cookies and small cakes were laid out on a silver serving platter.

  “Help yourself. And please feel free to do so whenever you come in to work. There is no need to ask. Also, if you would like, you may take a book home to read, as long as you return it. Does that sound fair?”

  “More than fair. You are too nice.”

  “This business is my outlet, my escape. Here in this room, surrounded by all of the ghosts that so generously inspired me, I am alive and free,” Malachi said

  May looked at him, puzzled.

  “I am a retired author. Rich, by most peoples standards.” He smiled wryly. “Now I want to share the gifts of these wonderful treasures with others. Perhaps they too will find precious insight into their own lives that is hidden here within these book jackets.

  “Wow. You’re a real author? That is so groovy.”

  “Yes, I suppose it is.”

  “I’d love to read some of your work.”

  “But of course, that can be arranged.” He studied her face; she was so young and impressionable. “So, you are new here to the Haight?”

  “How did you know?”

  “I can tell. Am I correct?”

  “Yes, the day I came into your shop was the day my boyfriend and I arrived in California.”

  “Ah, so you are very new. Well, welcome to this interesting place. I will give you some advice, if you like.”

  “Yes, of course; go on.”

  “There are all kinds of people here just like there are everywhere else. Although everything in the Haight appears to be wonderful, I mean, peace and love, it is not. Some of the people are good and some bad. Although it looks like one big party, it isn’t; it can actually be quite dangerous…especially for a young pretty girl who, if you don’t mind me saying, looks quite impressionable. You need to take care who you spend your time with and what you do. The surface here is much different than what lies beneath.”

  The doorbell rang as a young man entered the shop.

  “Hi, Keith.” Malachi smiled. “We have a new addition to our little book store. This is May.”

  “Hi, May; I’m Keith,” he said, and extended his hand. She was taken aback by Keith’s movie-star good looks.

  Malachi saw the attraction in her eyes and shook his head. “Don’t become too enamored of our golden boy here; he prefers boys to girls. Sorry, Keith, but I thought it better that she know right away before she developed a crush on you like they all seem to do.”

  “Yes, it’s true. I’m an open homosexual. Malachi is very accepting.” A glance passed between Malachi and Keith.

  “The last girl who fell head over heels for you, Keith, was devastated when you finally told her.”

  “That taught me that it’s best to start a friendship being honest, even if the truth puts some people off.”

  “I don’t mind. I like you already, no matter if you like guys or chicks,”
May said.

  “Well, that’s good, because Keith works here too. And there’s a good chance you might work together,” Malachi said. “There is another employee; her name is Odessa. She’ll be here later. You’ll meet her.”

  “We have tons of help,” Keith said. “But not so many customers. The real truth is Malachi pays us out of his own pocket. Hopefully, it’s a tax write-off. Because this store never makes enough money to pay it’s employees.”

  “Who needs customers when we have friends?” Malachi said.

  Chapter 60

  “I love my job,” May beamed when she arrived at the apartment to find Cricket in the kitchen, buried under a pile of dirty dishes and a sink filled with cooking utensils. Lately he’d been making feeble attempts at cooking. And sometimes May wished he would just leave it all until she got home. The mess was worse than doing it herself. But she dared not say anything. It was his way of trying to help.

  “I hate that you have to work. It would be nice if you could just be my wife and stay home. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. I should be bringing home the money, and you should be doing this cooking; eventually having babies.”

  “Cricket, please…don’t do this. I went through this shit with Red.”

  “I know, and I won’t stand here and tell you what to do, but I want to give you so much May. I want to give you everything we both never had. Can’t you understand? I want our kids to have nice stuff, and not to be the poor outcasts we were.”

  “And you will, but until you get your career going, I want to work. But most importantly I really want to work at the bookstore. I like it there so much.”

  “Yeah, okay. For now. But don’t give up on me. I’m gonna be the man you deserve. You’ll see.”

  She glanced over at him. In some ways he was very much like his brother, and then, in other ways, he was so different. Red had wanted her for sex and power. But Cricket, he wanted to do right by her; he wanted to do right by everyone and everything. He was just not sure what was expected of him. And for May, it was unbelievable that Cricket actually loved her. It was far easier to accept a relationship based on pure sex and power. That was easy; it required no output of her own feelings, no vulnerability.