One Past Midnight

by Jessica Shirvington

“Sure. What time and where? Do I have to break into the hospital?” She sounded almost hopeful. Capri did like to live on the edge. If breaking glass was involved, all the better.

  “No.”

  And then I put the first part of my plan into action.

  As I’d expected, Ethan didn’t turn up to work on Sunday night either; I’d heard a nurse talking earlier that day in the corridor, saying he wasn’t well. Still, it felt like a blow to my increasingly fragile heart, and it further weakened my hopes that he might be the one to explain things to Maddie after I was gone.

  After dinner, I did everything I was supposed to do. Showered, fake-socialized with the other tenants of Crazyville, acknowledged nurses, tried to be cooperative. I even hung out in the patients’ lounge, pretending to watch a pointless game of Ping-Pong before heading back to my room, only to endure another random room search by Macie and Mitch. I passed with flying colors.

  Once the lights were out, I was ready to move. Final room check always came fifteen minutes after lights out, and Ethan had somehow gotten me exempted from the other nightly spot checks to facilitate our outings. I was taking a chance those relaxed rules still applied.

  I got dressed quickly, jumped back into bed until the final room check was done, and then I was up and digging around in my underwear. Disgusting, I know, but if there’s one place no man or woman will ever check it’s the crotch of your panties. Luckily most of my panties had a double-layer lining, providing an awkward yet effective hiding place—perfect for a key.

  I stood in front of the window grilles and used the key I’d copied from Ethan’s set to let myself out. Once on the other side I relocked the security grille and closed the window, hoping that in the event I was caught they wouldn’t know how I’d escaped and I might be able to keep the key hidden for another day.

  Capri was waiting in her mom’s beat-up van, which looked as though it had more rust than paint. It was truly a wonder she got that thing moving without having to push it.

  I ran across the parking lot and jumped into the passen-ger side.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey, yourself,” Capri said, pushing her almost dread-locks back from her face. “Nice escape. Was the ass-out-first part for my benefit?” She’d had full view of my window.

  I laughed. “Yes, the ass in the air was all for you.”

  “Figures,” she quipped, and then looked ahead. “Where to?”

  “Home first and then I need to make another stop.”

  “Not exactly what I had in mind.” Capri looked out the window. She was hesitating. I didn’t blame her. She had just helped spring me from the loony bin.

  “I’m so grateful you’re helping me, Capri. I know I’ve said it like a million times, but I’m sorry I lied. Being here . . . it wasn’t exactly something I wanted to publicize. Things have been pretty screwed up of late.” I held my breath and waited. The worst part was, I was truly sorry—even if my apology had been wrapped up in more deception. I was about to make her my unwitting accomplice.

  “Just tell me you aren’t really crazy or whatever?” she asked clumsily.

  “I swear to you, I’m not insane.” I smiled, trying to help her relax. “Well, unless you count the part where I’m friends with you.”

  It took a moment, but she cracked up, leaning across and nudging me before turning the key in the ignition. It took half a dozen tries before the engine fired up, but finally we were on our way.

  Standing outside my house, it struck me that until now I hadn’t known if I’d ever come home again. The way things had been going, not to mention the way I felt about Mom and Dad, I’d stopped thinking of it as home. But seeing Dad today had changed that a bit.

  Actually a lot.

  Maybe it was knowing that the end was near. I’d wanted it so much, my chance to be normal. But all Ethan’s talk about the price I’d have to pay to get it . . . it wasn’t all crap. At the very least, I wanted to make some kind of peace with this life before I said good-bye to it.

  The house was silent. Lights off. I looked at my watch—just before 11:00 p.m. I didn’t have time to waste if I was going to get everything done and be back by midnight.

  We scaled the tree, and, balancing precariously, Capri helped me jimmy open my bedroom window. Yet again I was thankful she and Davis had taken it upon themselves to fix that little problem. Since Mom and Dad didn’t know about their break-and-enter, they also hadn’t known to relock the bolt.

  We both slid into my room, clanking into things and being too loud. Thankfully no one seemed to stir.

  “Stay here,” I whispered to Capri. “I’ll be back in a minute. If anyone comes in, make a run for it.”

  She nodded. Capri was a pro at these things. She wouldn’t hesitate to split if need be.

  I crept down the stairs and into the kitchen, avoiding the creaky spots in the flooring. The house seemed so foreign to me now. It was weird—such a short time away to feel like I didn’t belong here anymore. Had I ever? I bit my lip and squashed the smoldering thought.

  It took me awhile, but after carefully looking through a few drawers I eventually hit the jackpot when I spied Dad’s coat hanging over one of the kitchen chairs. I grabbed the keys to the store, palming them to stop the jingle, and headed back to my bedroom.

  Running into Maddie had not been part of the plan. But as I passed her room, her bedroom door swung open and she looked up at me, half-asleep. “Binie, you’re home! I missed you so much.” She rubbed her eyes. “Can you take me to the bathroom?”

  My insides melted just seeing her, and before I knew what I was doing I’d picked her up to hug her tight and was carrying her to the bathroom. On the way back, she rested her head on my shoulder. “Are you going away, Binie?” she asked.

  I took her into her room and gently placed her on the bed. “What makes you say that, kiddo?”

  She shrugged sleepily. “I had a dream that you had to go somewhere else. You were so sad. You didn’t want to say good-bye to me, but you had to.”

  Oh God. Was this happening?

  “Hey, you know how much I love you. It doesn’t matter what happens; I’ll always be with you, even if . . . even if I can’t really be here. Do you know what I mean?”

  “I think so.” She yawned.

  I brushed the hair off her face and she snuggled into her blankets. “Life is precious, Maddie. Always remember that.” The irony of choosing Ethan’s sentiment in that moment wasn’t lost on me. I hated him a little for that.

  “You’re not the same as everyone else, Binie. I love you always. Do you still have my rabbits?”

  I bit back my tears and nodded. “Of course I have your rabbits.” I pointed to my cast. “They will always be with me, just like you. I love you too, Mads. Don’t tell anyone you saw me, okay?”

  She nodded, already falling back to sleep. In the morning, she’d probably think it was all a dream. Maybe it was for the best. I kissed her on her forehead.

  Capri had waited for me, even though she’d heard Maddie moving around. She wasn’t happy about being kept in the dark, but she nevertheless drove me to my next destination and waited outside while I let myself into Mom and Dad’s store and collected the items I needed. It would be a terrible cocktail—one that had no chance of failing. Given Macie had launched a random room search on me today, I figured I’d have just enough time to keep the drugs hidden before . . .

  Capri drove me back to my house. I sneaked in alone, returned the keys, and wrote a quick note, which I slipped under my mattress. They would find it one day. When we pulled into the hospital parking lot, Capri didn’t hold back. She demanded some answers.

  “It’s complicated,” I said, which didn’t seem to help. But I’d given it some thought since we’d talked on the phone and decided it wouldn’t help her to know everything—she’d only feel worse at the end, or try to stop me. I knew deep down that I was telling myself what I wanted to hear, but I couldn’t stop now. The best thing I could do for Capri was to let her sta
y ignorant.

  “Look.” I sighed, knowing I needed to give her something. “Mom and Dad found out I was seeing that guy and thought he was a bad influence. Dad just flipped.” I leaned back into the headrest, convincingly spinning my web. “He used his medical contacts and fed them this whole story about me being insane to get me locked up in here, just to keep me away from him.” Capri’s mouth was hanging open and I knew she was buying it. “The worst thing is . . .”—I swallowed, my emotions turning uncomfortably real—“. . . they were right about him, but since I’ve refused to speak to the doctor, they’re making me stay. The whole thing is screwed up. I . . . I’m considering getting out of Boston, you know, making a new start somewhere else.” I bit my lip. So many lies.

  “Where would you go?” Capri asked, shocked. “You can’t leave me!”

  I stared down at my hands. “If it meant getting away from all this craziness and being able to start again, you’d forgive me, wouldn’t you?” It was terrible. A terrible, awful thing I was doing to her—but in my own way, I had to do something that might help her understand.

  “I guess,” she conceded, though she still looked unhappy.

  I reached over and gave her a tight hug. “I promise I won’t do anything unless I’m sure it’s my only choice. If I do go, just remember it’s because I was absolutely sure it was the right thing for me, okay?”

  She nodded. “I’ll just miss you. I don’t have any other girlfriends.”

  I wiped away a tear. “Me too. You’re a great friend, Capri. Whatever happens, you know I love you.”

  There. My best good-bye.

  She was teary herself even as she shrugged off my words and pushed me out of the van. “Whatever you just lifted from your parents’ store, I’m sure it’ll fetch a fierce profit in there.”

  I smiled, knowing that when all was said and done she would remember this conversation and hopefully realize I was telling her that everything was for the best. I hoped she’d be okay.

  “Be happy, promise?” It was something we used to say to each other when we were bullied at school by the cool kids.

  “Promise,” Capri said.

  Sunday in Wellesley gave me a chance to spend a lazy morning with Mom by the pool. Around midday Dex called to say he was on his way over to hang out, and no amount of fake smiles could get rid of the churning in my gut. I tried to rope in Miriam and Lucy, suggesting a spur-of-the-moment pool party, but they were no help. Miriam seemed to be in a permanent hip-lock with Brett these days, and Lucy was in a pre-graduation spiral.

  I was so desperate I actually called Ryan, wondering if it was his weekend to visit Mom. He just laughed and said no, teasing me that now that school had ended, I was staring straight into a friendless existence. His planned visit was still three weeks away, and he wouldn’t be home before then. When I heard someone call out to him in the background, he hung up without even saying good-bye. Bastard.

  When Dex arrived, daisies in hand, I blushed and put them in a vase before moving into action mode—keeping us as busy as possible, offering to get the graduation programs printed for Lucy, and collecting the dry cleaning for Mom. Basically anything that left us little time for what Dex had in mind. For once, he didn’t seem to care. I guess he figured our night together wasn’t far away.

  And he was right.

  If you didn’t count my other life, G day was tomorrow.

  On Monday night Ethan was back, quietly opening my door, checking to see if I was awake.

  I was sitting in the armchair. My days of trying to sleep through the Shift were over; my routine was so out of whack there was no point trying to change things now. Not when I didn’t plan on juggling it for much longer.

  When I saw him, I put down my notebook and the pen I’d finally been entrusted with. The pen privilege was no small feat on my part. Lately, Levi’s efforts had doubled; he insisted I start talking openly, and that if he couldn’t be sure we were making progress certain privileges would be revoked. Bottom line, to avoid going back to peeing with an audience I’d spent an hour talking to him about absolute crap, making sure to focus on my “feelings” and avoid explaining much about my two worlds. It was obvious Levi thought I’d fabricated my Wellesley life to give me some sense of control I was supposedly lacking in my Roxbury world. He even hinted that I made elements of Wellesley challenging just so I could reward myself by overcoming them. It took a lot of effort not to scream at him.

  After the session, I’d spent the afternoon writing letters to Maddie. I’d given it a lot of thought since seeing her and decided I didn’t want her to be exposed to things she shouldn’t be; didn’t want her to think I’d condone something that in other circumstances would be terrible.

  The ironic thing was—I really didn’t condone it.

  I still had trouble admitting to myself that what I was considering, what I was now planning, was technically . . . suicide.

  But how could I go on this way?

  I honestly didn’t believe I could survive if I had to go on living two lives. They may have me in a mental ward for the wrong reasons, but if I didn’t make this change—give myself the chance to live a normal life—I might end up in a place like this in both of my lives. I couldn’t risk that.

  I’d written one letter to be given to Maddie straight after I was gone, and others that I wanted to have set aside for her birthdays until she was eighteen. It was the best I could do to try to help her understand that I was okay, how much I loved her, and how much I valued life. I hoped they’d get to her.

  “Hi,” Ethan said, his voice raspy. He looked exhausted.

  “Hey,” I said, and glanced at him briefly.

  “I’m sorry I wasn’t in the last couple of days.”

  I shrugged, trying to hide how much his absence had affected me. “Everyone deserves a day off now and then.”

  He bit his lip but didn’t say anything else. Instead, since I was sitting in the chair, he perched on the edge of the bed.

  I stared at my cast. The bouncing bunnies were starting to fade.

  Finally, since it was clear I wasn’t going to, he spoke. “Levi is talking about putting you on some meds.”

  I grimaced. He’d said as much, but I’d hoped that all my talking in our last session might have changed his mind. I guess I hadn’t been that convincing.

  “I don’t care what he does.”

  Ethan shook his head at me. “You think you have it so bad. Did you ever stop to think that maybe you’re lucky? Maybe you have a chance to do something amazing with your lives? You could . . . I don’t know, you could change the world, maybe more than just this one. You could make a difference. Do you know how incredible that is? Have you ever considered that you could use your knowledge in one world to benefit the other? Have you ever even investigated?”

  “You want me to make a difference? Be important?”

  “Yes!”

  I looked up at him. “Do you know what I want, Ethan?”

  He spoke quietly. “What, Sabine? What do you want?”

  His eyes bored into me and my heart fluttered. I hated the involuntary reaction I had to him. Especially now—knowing I meant nothing to him. I ignored the feelings welling up inside and held his gaze.

  “I want to be able to breathe. I want to know I’m with people who care about me—about all of me. And I want to be free to care about them too. To be able to tell them everything about me, not lie and pretend all the time. I want to know that if I drift off to sleep by accident one day, I’ll wake up in the same place. I want to live each day once, the best that I can live it. Who are you to deny me that? I told you I don’t want to die, Ethan, I want to live. Is that so wrong?”

  “But how do you know you’re choosing the right life?” he pleaded. “What if you’re giving up something you don’t even have yet, a future in this world that would give you more happiness than you could have ever imagined?”

  “It’s a risk I have to be willing to take. There are a lot of what-ifs in life. I
can’t live my lives hedging my bets. Trust me, that’s no life.”

  “But that’s exactly my point, Sabine. It’s like that song says: life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. You keep thinking one life will be better, but how can you give up half of who you are and think it will make you happier? And while we’re on the subject of what-ifs—what if you’re wrong? You can’t be sure that if you die in one world, you’ll go on living in the other. What if you lose both worlds? What if you die?”

  I rubbed my bare arms. “I did the tests, everything backs up the theory.” I glanced nervously at the clock and then stood, pacing a couple of times. “Not long till the Shift. Do you have anything for me tonight?”

  He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. “Why do you care about convincing me if you’re just going to do it anyway?”

  It was a complicated question, with an even more complicated answer. I stalled by reading the list. “Uskon sinua. Don’t suppose you want to give me a heads-up on what language that is?”

  “It’s Finnish,” he answered, surprising me with the clue. “You haven’t answered my question.”

  I folded the list and shrugged vaguely.

  He didn’t let it drop. “I think it’s because you aren’t sure at all. I think there’s a part of you that wishes you could find a way to have both lives and make them work together.”

  I started to get onto the bed, wanting my second-to-last Shift to be as smooth as possible. Ethan moved down to the end, giving me room.

  “And I think you think too much,” I mumbled.

  At 11:45, I could feel the panic building, the blood draining from my face. Ethan’s words played on my mind, eroding my confidence. I needed to get him away from me. I didn’t want to be vulnerable tonight.

  “You want to know why? I just want to convince you so you’ll agree to give Maddie the letters I’ve written for her, since I know my parents won’t.”

  I heard his gulp. I expected him to take the comment as the slap it was intended to be and storm out of the room, leaving me to shift pathetically on my own.