by M. Garzon
“Chin up. We have nothing to be ashamed of.” His fervor gave me the strength to keep my head high.
I checked in with Tania and Hades and was about to set off in search of Karen when Jaden caught my shoulder.
“I have work to do,” he confessed. “Do I have time before your class?”
“Sure, I only ride at eleven.”
I had a brief meeting with the Donalds and got some more coffee before strolling back to the barn. The day was bright but not hot. Conditions would be perfect in the ring, I thought. Tania and Hades were at the paved entrance to the barn, and Hades stretched out his nose to noisily sniff my coffee.
“That’s not for you.” I laughed, holding it out of his reach.
“Can you hold him for a sec?” Tania handed me the leadrope. Hades reached for my coffee again, and I turned my back to him to shield it. A sudden shove sent me flying forward.
“Ow!” I landed on my hands and knees, my right hand crushing the cup and resting in a puddle of hot coffee.
Tania came running. “What happened? Are you okay?” She grabbed Hades as I pulled myself to my feet.
“He pushed me.” I gave him an exasperated look, but my hand was throbbing. “I think I burned my hand.”
“Quick, go run it under cold water.”
I did, but when I tried to twist it under the stream a sharp pain shot through my wrist. I swore quietly and kept it under the water a bit longer. I tried moving my wrist again; this time the pain was worse. I rejoined Tania, cradling my dripping wrist with my hand.
“Is it better?” she asked worriedly.
“I think I strained something. What do we have in the way of bandages?”
I was wrapping my wrist in Vetrap when Karen and Jo came in together.
“What happened?” she exclaimed.
“I fell,” I muttered.
“How bad is it? Can you move it?” She and Jo both watched my hand expectantly.
I moved my hand carefully up and down a bit. “I just wrapped it tightly,” I said by way of excuse.
Karen narrowed her eyes at me. “Move it from side to side.”
I gritted my teeth and bent my hand to the outside, but when I tried to bend it toward my thumb I gasped.
“That’s it, you’re going to the hospital,” she said.
“I can’t, my class is in two hours,” I protested. I looked up at Jo, hoping for support, but he shook his head.
“You must do as your trainer says,” he advised me. “I can take you, I ride only tomorrow.”
I gave Karen a despairing look. She had another client riding that morning or I was sure she’d be dragging me off herself.
“Fine,” I muttered. I fumbled for my phone and dialed awkwardly with my left hand, but Jaden didn’t answer. I decided not to leave him a message until I had a better idea of what was wrong — no need to panic him unnecessarily.
Jo kept up a cheerful conversation on our way to the hospital and settled in patiently to wait with me.
“I’m going to miss my class,” I moaned. It was the biggest class I’d ridden in to date, and after all the money the Donalds had spent getting here I was sure they’d be upset if I had to scratch.
“It is part of our sport,” Jo reminded me. “People are injured, horses are injured — we are not machines.”
It wasn’t a long wait, but I’d already called the Donalds and told them to scratch Hades from the class when the X-rays came back. To my disgust, they showed a fractured wrist bone. I was sitting in a small room waiting for a cast when Jaden rushed in.
“Karen told me where to find you,” he said. I got up and hugged him with one arm, and he held me gingerly. I could feel the exact moment his eyes lit on Jo. I pulled away in time to see recognition register.
I put my good hand on his arm, which was hard with tension. “Jaden, this is Jo. He was kind enough to drive me when I couldn’t reach you.”
Jo gave an open smile, and after a second’s hesitation on Jaden’s part, they shook hands. It was odd to see Jaden look up to someone.
“Thank you,” he said sincerely.
Jo wished me luck and said he’d see me back at the barn. As soon as he left, I turned to Jaden.
“It’s a coincidence,” I started to say.
He laid his hands gently on my upper arms. “Querida, I know,” he murmured.
I stopped, startled. “You’re not upset?”
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and you’re right. It’s time I got over my insecurities. I trust you, and if you tell me that I have nothing to worry about, then I won’t worry.” His eyes held me as tenderly as his hands. “I’m willing to change for the sake of our relationship.”
I had a feeling my mouth was hanging open unattractively when the casting technician bustled in and got to work. She had to pause as a coughing fit shook my body.
“Maybe you should get that cough looked at while you’re here,” she said cheerfully, finishing up.
“I’m okay,” I said, though my voice was so hoarse I hardly recognized it.
Jaden led me by the hand to the parking lot, and I inspected my new cast as we went. I’d opted for fiberglass because it would be impossible for me to keep a plaster cast dry while working in the barn. It was a pretty blue color and felt quite light compared to the other cast I’d had.
“At least it’s not serious,” I commented as we got to the car. “I can still ride.”
Jaden spun to face me. “What? No.”
I looked at him in surprise. “Jaden, we came all the way here. My biggest class is tomorrow, and I’m fine now that I have the cast. I can even manage with one hand if I have to.”
“I said no,” he said sharply. I flinched at his tone — I couldn’t help it — but the look I gave him was furious.
“You can’t forbid me from riding.”
A storm cloud passed over his face. His hand scrubbed over his hair and he glared at me, but I held his stare. He exhaled loudly.
“I know,” he said finally, “much as I’d like to. But we do need to talk about it.”
I tried to cross my arms, but the cast made it awkward. “So talk,” I said.
“You’re worried about one class at one show, but you need to start taking the longer view when it comes to your health. You’re going to be living in that body for a long time — you don’t want to spend the next sixty years in pain, or worse, with impaired function, all because of a short-sighted decision you made as a teenager.”
“Don’t call me a teenager.”
“You are a teenager.”
I took a deep breath and gave him a level look. “Okay. Then stop saying it as though it’s an insult.”
He had the good grace to look abashed and moved his hand to cover to my cheek. The warmth of his touch was enough to dissolve my ire, and I turned my head and kissed his palm.
We got in the car, and I let Jaden find his way back to the main road before I spoke again.
“The thing is, Neil keeps talking about how much other jumpers are worth. I don’t know how much longer they’ll keep Hades.” It was the first time I’d voiced that particular fear aloud. “And if I can’t ride him, what if they find someone who will? Now that he’s rideable, they could put any half-decent rider on him and he’d do great.”
“Maybe, but he’s only rideable because of you.” He gave me a thoughtful glance from behind the wheel. “Have you ever thought that maybe your particular talent lies in training, querida?”
I frowned at him. “Why can’t I be good at both?” I thought I was, personally.
“You can, but if you focused on training, you wouldn’t need to spend all your time traveling.”
I answered slowly, dismayed that the conversation had come back to this. “I’d at least like to see how far I can make it.”
“And where would that leave us?” he asked impatiently. “One of the reasons I left professional polo was because I couldn’t put down roots anywhere, and now my girlfriend is doing the same thing?
Do you expect me to sit at home waiting for you?”
My cast lay in my lap. I traced the edge with one finger. “What happened to you, my love? Where’s the boy who was always laughing, always so sure of our future?”
“He grew up,” he said with finality.
“You sound like your father,” I said bitterly, and watched him wince. I hadn’t meant it hurtfully, but that didn’t stop it from injuring him all the same.
We didn’t speak another word until we got to the barn. My arrival was met with exclamations; everywhere I walked, riders, grooms, and officials commiserated with me on my bad luck, but the only reaction I cared about was the Donalds’. They hurried into the barn after I texted them, and Monica’s hand went to her mouth at the sight of my cast. Neil frowned.
Jaden was a stiff sentry beside me. I shot him a glare. I wanted more than anything to tell the Donalds that I’d still ride their horse, but at the last minute I realized that a messy personal fight with my boyfriend would not give a good impression — and a fight was bound to ensue.
“I broke my wrist,” I said. My dismay came through clearly despite the raspiness of my voice. “I’m sorry, but I can’t ride tomorrow.”
“You can’t ride for six weeks,” Jaden gritted beside me. I fought a childish urge to kick him.
Neil gave a start. “Six weeks? That means we’ll miss most of the indoor shows.”
I wanted to assure him that I’d be recovered enough to ride, even if the cast was still on, but I realized with plunging certainty that even if that were true, Dec would never let me miss more school for those shows.
I understood, suddenly and viscerally, Hades’ objection to bits. I was sick of being reined in too. I wanted to find my stride, to seek the absolute limits of my abilities — and then push a little further. To see how fast and high and far I could go if given the chance.
But it wasn’t going to happen. Dec was convinced he knew what was best for me, and it involved choosing safety — physical, psychological and financial — over risk. Jaden had put himself in harm’s way for me, emotionally and physically, and all he wanted was for us to build a life together, a life I knew most women would give their left arm for. Jaden and Dec loved me. They were my family. If I went against them, what did that say about me? Dec and I had come such a long way, and Jaden had sacrificed so much for me. A normal person would be happy with what I had, I told myself. But clearly ‘normal’ didn’t describe me because my feelings bore no resemblance to happiness.
I gritted my teeth and looked first at Neil, then Monica. “I’m sorry,” I repeated. “Accidents happen in our sport.” They left, not hiding their disappointment. It looked as though Jaden was going to speak, but I turned away from him and went to Hades’ stall. He examined my cast with interest before checking my pockets.
“I don’t have anything for you.” I had nothing to offer anyone right now.
The somber mood lasted through the next day. We watched Jo win the final class of the show, with Sorrel a close second, and even though I hadn’t been entered I found myself calculating what the rider’s share of the one million dollars in prize money would be.
Jaden and I were on separate flights home, and I was actually relieved. Tania drove me home from the airport in the middle of the night. I woke up late, showered, and wandered downstairs as Seth emerged from the kitchen. He loped over and grabbed me in a hug before holding me at arm’s length.
“Looks like it was about time you came back,” he noted, taking in my cast and the dark smudges under my eyes.
“It’s about time I got back?” I meant to make a joke but found myself choked by sudden ire. “I’ve been here the whole time, working while you’ve been gallivanting,” I said loudly.
“Oh, that’s rich!” he snapped back. “Last year you were gone half the time while I was stuck here teaching up-downers and dodging Dec’s temper! Why are you the only one allowed to leave?!”
“You didn’t just leave, Seth! You — you disappeared! I was worried sick about you, do you have any idea what that’s like?”
“Oh please,” he scoffed, “you know damn well you’d know if anything bad had happened to me.”
“And a fat lot of good it would’ve done me since I didn’t know where you were!” I screeched.
He shrugged carelessly. “Well, I’m fine, so it doesn’t matter.”
“Aargh!” I swung my palm up, intending to connect with his thick skull, but he ducked and gave me a shove, using my own momentum to send me sprawling onto the couch.
“Pick on someone your own size, squirt, or you’re gonna get hurt,” he said grimly.
In answer, I launched myself off the couch at him. I only got in one glancing blow to his body before he caught my arms, and I struggled wildly, incoherent with anger. Almost instinctively I jerked my knee up. It found its mark; Seth dropped like a stone. I followed almost as quickly, falling to my knees beside him.
“Seth! Are you okay?” His groan made it plain that he wasn’t. “I’m so sorry.” I hovered uselessly, smoothing his hair, until his face regained some color and he sat up.
“When did you start fighting so dirty?” he panted. “Is that Jaden’s doing?”
“I don’t know where that came from.” I grinned suddenly. “D’you wanna hit me back?” It was an offer from our childhood, used when we didn’t want grownups involved in our squabbles.
“Do I ever,” he muttered. He got up and hauled me to my feet by my good hand. His dark blue eyes found mine, which were suddenly wet. “Aw, c’mon Sis, you know I wouldn’t,” he grumbled, pretending to misunderstand.
“It’s just... I don’t even know why we’re fighting. I missed you so much, Moo.” I hiccupped.
He sighed and went over to the couch. We sat looking in opposite directions, more uncomfortable with each other than we’d ever been.
When he finally spoke his voice was quiet. “You know why I had to go. I don’t regret it; it might be as much of the world as I’ll ever see. You’re going to travel, whether with Jaden or because you’re jumping the big sticks. And one day you’ll be at the Olympics, and I’ll be sitting in this same living room, on this same couch, watching you.”
I gave a strangled whimper and fell against his dear, comforting body, at once so familiar yet also somehow new. He hugged me back, silent, until I pulled away.
“You really believe in me,” I whispered.
“’Course I do. I got the looks, you got the ambition.” He grinned.
Seth helped me make coffee and told me about his travels while I ate cereal carefully with my left hand. Despite my sore throat and wrist, I felt better now that I’d seen my brother, and I kept my eyes on him as I chewed.
I’d already missed my morning class and rushed off to school as soon as I’d eaten. I was four days behind and spent my break at the bookstore buying textbooks. I put them on the credit card Dec had given me, where they would join charges for my fiberglass cast and, I was afraid, a few drinks at the bar.
I did my best to settle back into a routine, but it was hard when I couldn’t ride, or write very well. Hades got back two days after I did and I arranged for Karen to ride him while I convalesced. I recorded my lectures, and Chuck and Shannon were in some of my classes and made copies of their notes for me. I tried to keep busy because my phone conversations with Jaden held an undercurrent of strain, and I was at a complete loss as to how to relieve it. Or maybe I knew, and simply wouldn’t acknowledge the option.
At least Seth’s return made me feel as though life was normal again. He resumed teaching lessons, which took some of the pressure off Dec and made life at home more pleasant. Gran, like me, was happy simply to have him back.
By Saturday I was looking forward to spending a day in the barn, and I strolled in to hear whistling. When we had first moved to the farm Dec used to whistle all the time, these complicated tunes that Seth and I used to try to twist our tongues around but could never manage to duplicate. Since my mother’s death, I’d hardl
y heard a note escape his lips. I was surprised at how nostalgic it made me to hear those tunes floating down the aisles again. I wasn’t the only one glad to have Seth back.
My first lesson turned out to be a small child riding for the first time.
“You’re supposed to take all the beginners, Seth,” I complained.
He gave me a half-shrug and lazy smile. “Would you rather fix the tractor?”
“Oh, fine,” I grumbled, brushing past him in a huff. Seth was mechanically inclined, which came in very useful with the farm machinery. I, on the other hand, was useless in those situations.
My student was a tiny thing with candy-floss white hair. I put Chocolate Chip on the crossties and started showing her how to groom.
“Is Chip a daddy pony?” she asked.
“No, he’s a gelding. He’s a boy, but he can’t be a daddy,” I responded absently, adjusting the curry comb to fit her small hand.
“Why can’t he be a daddy?”
“Um, well, because he can’t have babies,” I floundered. I wasn’t about to get into the details of gelding — castration in horses — with a six-year-old.
“Well, ’course not,” she scoffed. “Only mommies can have a baby in their tummy. Everyone knows that.” She was regarding me with suspicion, as though doubtful that anyone not aware of this basic fact of biology could possibly teach her anything.
“You’re right!” I agreed quickly. “If you want, after your lesson I can show you a baby horse, okay?”
“Oooh, yes,” she squealed. I let out a relieved breath that my ruse had worked. I headed for the tackroom and found Seth doubled over. At the sight of me, the guffaws broke free.
“When it comes time for the birds and bees talk with your kids, better let Jaden handle it,” he snorted between laughs. I shoved him, but I was frowning as I got Chip’s tack. When I was finished teaching I found Seth dumping bags of grain into the feed bin.
“What you said earlier... why do you assume I’ll have kids?” I asked.
He folded the empty feedbag as he answered. “I don’t know. I know you’ve never been keen on the idea, but I thought, since you were with Jaden — well, he wants kids, doesn’t he?”