Renaissance Man

by M. Garzon

  I nodded slowly.

  “And you still don’t,” he guessed. “Well, aren’t you in a pickle.” His words were light, but his face showed his concern.

  “He told me that if we never have kids he’d still be happy, as long as he has me. But I can tell he’s hoping I’ll change my mind, and what if I don’t? What if fifteen years from now I still don’t want children?” I asked miserably.

  “What makes you think you won’t?”

  “It doesn’t interest me, and how unfair would it be to bring a child into the world when they’re at the bottom of your priority list? I’m not sure I’d be a good mother even if I wanted a child more than anything. As it is... well, until I have the same passion for raising kids as I do for riding, I don’t think it would be fair to do it. I mean, think of mom.”

  My mother was born in Sweden fifteen years after her only sister. She was more than an unplanned pregnancy; she always felt like an unwelcome intrusion into the orderly lives of parents who were already middle-aged. Her father died when she was ten, and when her mother suggested that Elina go live with an aunt in Canada, she was happy to go — she was adventurous by nature anyway, and she was old enough by then to realize she might find greater acceptance elsewhere. It turned out to be a good move, her childless aunt doted on her and they grew very close. Although our great-aunt passed away when Seth and I were only four, she was the closest thing we’d had to a grandmother until we met Gran.

  I’d seen firsthand the kinds of scars that being an unwanted child had left on my mother. In fact, I’d often felt that she’d had Seth and me largely because she was desperate for a family, even though she’d been too young and ill-equipped to raise us.

  “I think you’d do just fine as a mom,” Seth said, “but why are you even thinking about it if it’s not something you want?”

  “Because Jaden wants it,” I whispered. “He’d be a great dad, and if I deprive him of something so monumental I’m afraid he’ll grow to resent it.”

  I planned to bring the subject up the next day but discarded the idea when Jaden arrived distracted and moody.

  “What’s wrong?” I croaked. My voice hadn’t improved.

  He frowned at me. “You should be in bed, not in the barn.”

  I shrugged. “Can’t. Teaching.”

  “No you’re not,” he said. He wrapped an arm around my shoulders and set off through the barn until he found Dec.

  “Téa’s too sick to be teaching,” he said heatedly. “Can’t someone else take over?”

  “I’ll call Gran,” Dec said. He gave me an exasperated look. “Haven’t you been to the doctor yet? You said you’d go this week.”

  “I’ll go tomorrow,” I promised.

  “And now you’re going to rest.” Jaden steered me toward the house. I wanted to protest, but in truth, it felt good to have his arm around me and feel nothing but concern emanating from him.

  “I’ll make you some tea and you can spend the day in bed or on the couch,” he said as he sat me down in the kitchen.

  “I hate being sick,” I grumbled. “I don’t like being fussed over.”

  To my surprise, he grinned. He turned the kettle on before sitting and taking my uncasted hand.

  “What happened when you got sick when you were little?”

  I shrugged. “The after-school care people got ticked off.” His wince made me sigh. “Jaden, my mom was trying to support two kids while working retail. We were taken care of by the daycare when we were small, and after-school care later on, but that was expensive so by the time my mom and Dec got married we were already latch-key kids. There wasn’t ever anyone waiting for us with cookies — that’s not my life.” I hesitated. “That’s why moving here was so great. For the first time, we got to come home after school, like other kids did.”

  I changed into sweats while Jaden made the tea, and he spent the afternoon on the couch with me, watching TV. The frown he’d arrived with disappeared, and I felt his tension gradually leak away as I snuggled against him.

  “Why were you upset earlier?” I asked tentatively, not wanting to disrupt our peace.

  He stroked my arm absently. My head was against his shoulder so I couldn’t see his expression, but I felt his chest rise with the deep breath he took.

  “My mother wants me to go to Argentina,” he began.

  “What? Why?” I pulled away and sat upright, staring into his face. This was far from what I’d been expecting.

  He grimaced. “My uncle Emiliano broke his leg. He’s the one who breeds polo ponies, remember? The one I got Kermit from. His family is having a hard time managing the ranch without him. I’ve tried to explain to my mom that I can’t go, but you know how she is about family. She feels I have an obligation.”

  “You can’t go because of work?” I asked carefully.

  His eyes went swiftly to mine. “Of course I don’t want to leave you either, but I need ten months of articling in order to be called to the bar next June. And in any case, there’s no way my firm would give me that much time off.”

  We went back to watching TV, but my mind wasn’t on the screen.

  Jaden went into law because he wanted to make the world a more equitable place. It was a noble ideal and not one that I could argue with on any level. But I couldn’t help but feel that he’d been a far happier person when he played polo for a living. I was beginning to think he could do more good in the world as a happy, fulfilled polo player than as a discontented, frustrated lawyer.

  “Don’t you miss polo?” I blurted.

  “Yes,” he admitted.

  “I already miss riding like crazy, and it’s only been a week.”

  “You made an incredible leap forward this year. You can afford to take the time to heal.”

  “I suppose,” I acknowledged grudgingly. “Although Spruce didn’t go quite as I’d hoped.”

  Jaden turned off the TV and studied me. “I thought you’d be thrilled with how well you did at Spruce Meadows.”

  “It’s not that I’m unhappy, but I can’t help feeling that I could have done better. I feel as though...” I hesitated, tasting the flavor of my emotions and trying to identify the elusive, niggling sensation that had been keeping me up nights. “I feel as though I choked, almost. As if I could’ve done even better but I was blocked somehow.” I raised my eyes to find him watching me thoughtfully. “Does that make any sense?”

  He nodded slowly. “I know polo players who have gone through the same thing. Sometimes you hit a ceiling in your performance and you need help to break through. A good sports psychologist can do that.”

  I rolled my eyes and was about to object, but Jaden covered my mouth with his hand, grinning.

  “Be quiet and listen for a minute. I’m not suggesting therapy.”

  I raised my eyebrows since that was the only response I could give. His golden-brown eyes were laughing, and I felt myself go soft all of a sudden. This was the old Jaden, my Jaden, the warm, kind, good-humored man I loved. I was glad I’d decided to confide in him; I missed this sense of closeness. My warm feelings must have shown because he leaned in and kissed my forehead. He kept his hand over my mouth, though.

  “There are psychologists who specialize in this, who work with athletes.”

  I pulled his hand away. “Have you ever gone to one?”

  “Nope. Never needed to.” His cocky grin made me laugh. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen it, and I supposed nothing about his current job made him feel that way.

  “I love you, Jaden,” I said.

  He pulled me tight against him. “I love you too,” he murmured into my hair. But it was followed by a sigh, and I felt my insides clench.

  * * *

  I went to the clinic at school the next day and ended up on antibiotics because it seemed I had a throat infection. I was still feeling lousy the day after that, and Seth stopped me in the main aisle of the barn as I was going to teach after school.

  “You’d better let me take your gr
oup,” he said, sliding an arm around me.

  I was peripherally aware of someone approaching but paid no attention until an overly saccharine voice said, “Why, Seth! What are you doing here?” Brittney’s expression turned sour as her gaze moved to me. “I thought you had a boyfriend.”

  I snickered hoarsely. “Seth’s my brother.”

  For a moment she looked genuinely shocked. Then she recovered herself and gave a harsh laugh. “Yeah, right. You look nothing alike.”

  I shrugged. “Maybe not, but he’s still my brother. My twin, in fact.”

  Her wide eyes went to Seth’s face.

  “What are you doing here, Brittney?” he demanded. He was obviously far less happy with their reunion than she was.

  “I board my horses here. Didn’t you know?”

  Seth steered me abruptly toward the arena’s viewing lounge and hustled me inside.

  “Do you know who that is?” he asked. I obviously didn’t, and he went on. “That’s the girl who posted those pictures, the ones that broke me and Julia up!”

  I gasped. “But... it can’t be.” I tried to recall the girl from the pictures, but all I could remember was that she had long, straight blond hair — I remembered how it had blended in with Seth’s own pale locks. The Brittney in the barn had short, curly red hair, but of course, hair could be easily changed.

  Seth started pacing. “Julia’s gonna freak. She hasn’t been here since I got back, and this is not the way I pictured seeing her again.”

  “She has a new boyfriend,” I reminded him. “Maybe she won’t care. And anyway, if she hasn’t guessed, do you have to tell her?” It would only hurt her to know.

  He gave me a bleak look. “Have you gotten to know Brittney at all?”

  I had a sinking feeling. Brittney wasn’t exactly the soul of discretion.

  The very next afternoon Julia appeared with the inevitable Al in tow. I had texted her to let her know that Seth was back; I hadn’t wanted it to be a shock since they both had unresolved feelings about each other. When Seth came in, leading a pony and herding a child in front of him, Julia swept past regally with her head held high and barely acknowledged him. He gave me a confused look, and I returned a small shrug. Al was leaning against the wall, texting and looking bored.

  When Julia started grooming Jasmine Al looked up. “I’m going to wait in the car,” he said. “You won’t be long, will you?”

  “Of course not, sweetie. I’ll just ride her a little bit,” Julia reassured him quickly.

  I frowned at her. “Why do you bring him to the barn when he’s always rushing you?”

  She flipped her long hair over her shoulder. “He likes to come. He worries about me otherwise.”

  I regarded her in puzzlement. “Jules, I’ve hardly seen you without him in months. And you’ve only seen Ter twice since the accident. We’d like to hang out with you once in a while.”

  She turned to me, her face flushed with surprising anger. “He loves me. He bought me this diamond bracelet.” She held up her arm; stones winked on her wrist. “And he’s taking me to Venice soon. I’m finally doing the kinds of romantic things your brother would never think of.”

  “That’s all you want? Someone who can buy you stuff?” Seth’s voice was quiet as he stepped around the corner.

  “You wouldn’t understand,” Julia spat at him, “Al is a man, not a boy.”

  “I’m man enough not to have to buy my women,” Seth retorted.

  Julia threw the brush at him; it sailed over his shoulder and hit Brittney square in the chest.

  “Hey!” She scowled at Julia. Her expression became calculating as her eyes moved from my friend’s flushed face to Seth, standing with his fists clenched and his eyes still locked on Julia.

  “Well, well.” To my shock, Brittney picked up the brush and strutted over to Julia to give it back. “You must be the girlfriend.”

  “Ex-girlfriend,” Julia hissed.

  Brittney waved a hand carelessly. “That’s quite a large club, isn’t it? I’m a member myself.” Seth blinked in shock and turned to Brittney in time with Julia’s exclamation.

  “No she isn’t-” Seth began.

  Julia turned on him savagely. “You lied to me!”

  “We dated last fall,” Brittney interjected. Things went downhill from there; Seth angrily denounced Brittney, Julia yelled at Seth, and Brittney raised her voice for no reason that I could see. I went to stand with my brother just as a loud voice cut across the noise.

  “Enough!” Dec strode into the sudden silence, his face already reddening with anger. “What’s going on here?”

  Julia thinned her lips but didn’t say anything. I shared a quick look with Seth, enough to tell me I should speak, but Brittney piped up before I could.

  “I don’t know what happened,” she said in a quavering voice. “I was only trying to talk to Julia and your son started screaming at me.” Her eyes welled with tears.

  I rolled my eyes, but Dec was glowering at us. “You two, in the house.”

  Seth and I had just gotten drinks in the kitchen when Dec stomped in. He stood with his hands on his hips, framed by the doorway.

  “You didn’t buy that whole act, did you?” Seth asked tiredly. He leaned back against the counter.

  “No, but that’s irrelevant. Your romantic entanglements are creating problems in the barn, son, and you’d better fix them.”

  Thirteen

  It was a tense week. Dec had refused to accept Seth’s solution of ejecting Brittney from the barn, and we were faced with her gloating face almost daily. My workload at school was already heavy, and I found myself truly resenting school for the first time. I was too physically fit to comfortably sit still for long periods, and I plain didn’t want to be there — I wanted to be at the next show, I wanted to be riding, I wanted to do what I knew, in the deepest core of my being, I was born to do. Instead, I swallowed back my desires, and they writhed in my belly like a nest of snakes. Not the cuddly, nice kind of snakes, either.

  I decided I might as well work on those aspects of my sport that I could, and made an appointment with the sport psychologist Jaden had recommended. Her office was in a house, and on arriving I found myself in a pleasant, plant-filled waiting area. A sign instructed me to wait so I perched on the edge of a chair. It was a comfortable chair, upholstered in cheerful yellow, but I couldn’t relax into it.

  A woman with shoulder-length chestnut hair came into the room. She held out her hand and I rose nervously to shake it.

  “I’m Susan,” she said simply. Not ‘Dr. Orfield’, as I would have expected. She was of average height and looked as though she kept in shape. I followed her into another sunlit room. She gestured me into a blue plaid armchair and sat in a matching one, angled toward me. I clasped my hands together.

  “Tell me a little bit about yourself,” she invited, smiling. I began hesitantly, not sure what she wanted to know, but as Susan nodded encouragement and asked the occasional question I loosened up. By the session’s end, I found myself talking about my riding with enthusiasm.

  Teri came to visit the next day, but it was apparent from her careful movements that she was still a long way from healed. All in all, when Seth asked me to go out with him that weekend I was very tempted to accept, but sadly I knew I couldn’t.

  “But Kabir’s flying up for the weekend and I haven’t seen him in eight months. Kyle’s coming too. Come on, it’ll be fun.”

  “I’m sure it will, but I promised Jaden no more parties for a while.”

  He shrugged. “So don’t tell him.”

  “That won’t work,” I tried to explain. “He’d know, he always knows when I’m hiding something. And he hates it.” It was probably the thing he hated most, in fact.

  “I think our dear cousin’s got some control issues, Sis. And what about me?”

  “What about you?”

  “We haven’t been out together in ages. I need to get out and kill some stress, and I’d like my sister to be
with me. Think of it as celebrating my triumphant return.” He gave me his best boyish smile. I sighed. I couldn’t refuse Seth, not when I knew he needed me.

  I wondered how best to break the news to Jaden, and when he phoned to say he was working late on Saturday I took the coward’s way out. I lied.

  “Don’t worry about it, I’ll go to Teri’s. Maybe I can see you Sunday?”

  The regret in his voice was sincere. “I promise to reserve next weekend entirely for you.”

  I spent Saturday teaching and doing homework, which took a long time to do with a cast. Seth and Kabir had gone out for dinner with Kyle, and around ten o’clock I drove my own car into the city to meet them.

  The party was barely outside the downtown core, in an industrial-looking building. The guys were waiting for me on the sidewalk, Kyle rocking his hipster look, Kabir his new California punk, and Seth his usual messy surfer-boy self. After exchanging hugs we plunged into the dark, loud space. The music was thumping, the people had that edgy city style, and I found myself having a good time dancing with my brother and my old friends.

  I remembered my promise to Jaden, though, and only had a few drinks. As a result, I got tired long before the boys did, but when I suggested leaving they raised a chorus of protests and convinced me to stay. Kabir grabbed me and pulled me into a dance, Seth got me a drink, and I kept going until my feet were sore. What felt like hours later I went to sit on a ratty old couch in a corner to rest, and I was thinking that it was time to head home when Seth came to find me.

  He flopped down next to me. “Hey, we got invited to an after-party!” He was flushed, his eyes glassy in his sweaty face. I hesitated. I didn’t want to mar Seth’s night, not when he was so obviously enjoying himself, but I didn’t have it in me to go to another party. I just wanted to go home and sleep.

  “You know what, bro, I’m pretty tired, but you go ahead. The guys are going with you, right?”

  He focused fuzzily on me. “Are you okay?”

  “Sure. Just tired. I don’t want to be a buzzkill but I’m not up for more partying.”

  Kyle staggered over and blinked down owlishly at us. “Seth, we gotta go, the cab’s waiting for us.”