Anchor Me

by J. Kenner

But she'd been right. About everything, really. And now I'm sitting here in the back of a hired car with my hand over my belly, wondering if my mother's been in Los Angeles all this time, and thinking about why I was so nervous about having a baby when clearly Damien and I are more than ready to make this work.

  "--how did that go, anyway?"

  I straighten, realizing that I'd zoned out. "Sorry. What?"

  "Your mom," she says.

  "Oh." I exhale loudly. "I think I was right all along."

  "You went to see her, right? How did--" She was speaking over me, but she cuts herself off sharply. "Wait. What?"

  "My mom's not here. She sold her house. She's gone, Jamie."

  "So you really think she's been in LA all this time?"

  I sigh. "I don't know. But at least that would mean I haven't been seeing things."

  "Fuck."

  "Yup," I say, because honestly, that sums up the situation nicely.

  "Are you okay?"

  I hesitate because what on earth am I supposed to tell her? The news about my mom is all mixed in now with the news of the baby, and even though I desperately want to share that with Jamie, I don't want to tell her from fifteen hundred miles away.

  "Nicholas?" Her voice is firm, and she uses her nickname for me in emphasis. "Are you okay?"

  "Yes. Yes," I repeat more forcefully. "Honestly, James, I'm great. Damien's here and--well, everything is fine. It's good. I'll tell you all about the trip when I get home. And, hey," I say brightly, because I am totally changing the subject, "was there some other reason you called?"

  "I--what?"

  "You just sounded weird when you called. Like there was something else on your mind."

  "Oh! Well, actually, yeah. Um, you're still coming to the premiere on Friday, aren't you?"

  Our friend Jane's book has been adapted into a movie, and the red carpet premiere is Friday at the Chinese Theater. "Are you kidding? Of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

  "I don't know," she says vaguely. "I just wanted to make sure."

  I frown. "You still sound weird. Is something wrong? There's not trouble between you and Ryan is there?"

  "Are you kidding? I'm drowning in marital bliss. Apparently, to my husband, a wedding ring is an aphrodisiac. I mean, everyone said the honeymoon phase would be over by now, but they were so wrong. Seriously, I thought I was well-fucked before we tied the knot, but now I--"

  "Got it," I say, cutting her off before I have a visual picture that I'll never be able to un-see. "Ryan's going early to oversee security, right? Do you want to share the limo with us?"

  "Normally, I'd jump at it. But this time, I'm turning you down cold."

  "Really?" I can't help but laugh at the tone of her voice. "Why?"

  "Because this girl is going to be on the red carpet interviewing celebs as they come traipsing into the theater. Live on camera in a seriously awesome dress."

  "Jamie! That's amazing!" Jamie's been working as the weekend anchor job for a local news affiliate, but she's been gunning to get out in the field and do entertainment reporting. To actually be on a red carpet interviewing A-listers is pretty much her dream come true.

  Jamie's got the kind of A-list good looks that the camera adores. If the industry hadn't chewed her up and spit her out, I really think she could have made it as an actress. Fortunately, she got over the acting thing quickly, and she discovered she loves journalism. Especially if it involves reporting about Hollywood. But the fact that she loves it means she has something to lose.

  "I know, right? Totally amazing. And I didn't even ask for this. I figured I had no chance--I mean, who starts with the red carpet? But they just plucked me out of the massive pile of desperation, dreams, and sweat."

  I laugh. "I think they plucked you from a pile of talent."

  "Pfft. You're just saying that because you're my best friend."

  "Absolutely," I say deadpan. "You really suck at your job, and I'm just being supportive by lying to you."

  "Bitch."

  "Love you, too. And, James? Congratulations."

  "Thanks." I can practically hear the grin in her voice. "Okay, I should let you prep. When's your interview, anyway?"

  "I'm in the car on my way there right now."

  "Oh, shit. I didn't mean to interrupt you. Good luck. Are you pumped up? 'Cause I can pump you up. I mean, come on. High school valedictorian. Double major in electrical engineering and computer science. Four-time recipient of the Stark International Science Fellowship. CEO of Fairchild Development. Designer and engineer of over two dozen web and mobile apps. Amateur photographer, superior poker player, and all around awesome best friend." She's rattled all of that off at the speed of light, and now she draws a deep breath. "Whew! Did I miss anything?"

  I can barely talk, I'm laughing so hard. "You freak. Do you have my resume in front of you?"

  "Don't be silly." Her voice takes on an unnaturally high pitch, and I assume she's still teasing me. "Why would I have your resume in front of me? You're my BFF," she says, now sounding much more normal. "Of course, I know your resume. I sleep with it by my bedside and pay homage to it every time I remember how much better your college grades were than mine."

  "I love you, James."

  "Back at you, Nicholas. Good luck, okay?"

  "Thanks." I frown, still thinking of that odd tone in her voice. "And, James?

  "Yeah?"

  "You're sure there's nothing else?"

  "Not a thing. Why? Have you got something else?"

  I press a hand to my belly. A lot, I think. But nothing I'm willing to tell her over the phone.

  8

  After two hours of interviews and meetings, I'm exhausted but euphoric. Exhausted, because I'm pretty sure that I've now met every single person who works at Greystone-Branch, from the mailroom all the way up. Euphoric, because I know from Damien's own policy that it's only candidates the company is seriously considering who get the full-meal tour. Time is too valuable a commodity to waste precious employee minutes interviewing an unlikely candidate.

  In my case, I'm not applying for a job. I'd be an independent contractor. But the nature of the project--the creation of proprietary web and mobile software to link company communications and resources across the globe--will require access to not only the company's network but also the employees. I need to understand how they currently work in order to make sure that I enhance their productivity, not detract from it.

  In other words, if I get this contract, I'll be here a lot. In this office. And in Dallas.

  The memory of my mother's house distracts me for a moment, and I miss something that Mr. "Please call me John" Greystone is saying.

  "I'm sorry? My mind was wandering. I was thinking about the architecture of your website."

  "I only asked if you wanted some coffee. I thought we could talk for a few more minutes in my office, and then we'll get you out of here."

  "Just water, please."

  Mr. Greystone's assistant soon enters with a bottle of water, followed by the Vice President of Operations, Bijan Kamali. We settle in the sitting area, a corner of the large office set up with a small couch, two leather chairs, and a chrome and glass coffee table. The area reminds me of a similar section of Damien's office, and I allow myself to relax a little, letting hope settle in. After all, they've taken a lot of time with me and paid a lot of attention to me. That has to be a good sign, doesn't it?

  "I'll be honest with you, Nikki," John says. "Bijan and I are very impressed, as was everyone you spoke with today."

  "I'm very glad to hear that." I keep my voice steady, but inside, I'm turning gleeful cartwheels. "I'm impressed, too. You have an incredible operation here. I'd love to play a part in helping you streamline your communications processes." That's not an exaggeration. Working with Greystone-Branch would be a huge opportunity for me. Not only in terms of building my business's reputation, but also for learning how to organize and operate a business. Yes, I have Stark International as a model, but I don't e
ver anticipate running a business with that many divisions. Greystone-Branch is considerably smaller, and yet still global. As far as corporate structure is concerned, I could learn a lot by working with this team.

  John glances toward Bijan, who nods subtly. John clears his throat and smiles at me, but this time the expression seems a little strained. "Frankly, we're down to three candidates, and you're all extremely qualified. At this point, we're looking at additional factors."

  "Of course," I say, though inside, my heart is racing. What does he mean by "additional factors"?

  "We were hoping you could shine some light on the issue of proximity. We know you live in Los Angeles . . ."

  He leaves the question dangling, and I grab onto it eagerly. If this question represents the nature of their concerns, then I'm golden. "As you know, I grew up in Dallas, so coming back frequently is no hardship at all." That, of course, is an exaggeration. But as I'm determined to exorcise the ghosts of my past, if I get this contract I'll totally make that happen.

  "Travel isn't a problem either. I'm fortunate to have access to my husband's personal fleet and pilot. I can be in Dallas within a few hours. And travel to other locations is just as easily arranged. Of course, if I get this job, I'll also either buy or rent a condo nearby for the duration of the project."

  I don't usually flaunt Damien's money--our money as he constantly reminds me--but in this case, I want John and Bijan to understand that my presence at their various locations isn't subject to the timetables of the commercial airlines. And while it would certainly be reasonable for me to ask for reimbursement for travel costs in addition to my contract bid, because of the benefits to Fairchild Development should I land this project, I've already talked with Damien about not doing that simply because it makes my proposal that much more appealing.

  "That's excellent to hear. And you know that we're looking at a relatively fast time frame. You'll be working with a team?"

  "I will," I say, and I fight to keep my smile from faltering. I'd been hesitating to hire additional help until I found out about this job. Unfortunately, now it sounds as if I need the team in place in order to secure the position. "I'm looking at a team of three, including me." I'm hoping they don't ask for resumes of my two associates. While I've done preliminary interviews and have found a few promising candidates, I haven't yet made offers to any of them.

  "And you're confident about the time frame? Your recent news doesn't change anything?"

  I frown, confused. "My news?"

  He glances again to Bijan, who slides him a manila folder. John opens it, takes out a single sheet of paper, and passes it to me.

  It's a printout from a web page, and the moment I see the headline and the photograph, I freeze.

  "Oh," I say stupidly when I'm once again capable of forming words. "This is--" I swallow and try again, but words aren't coming. My head is too full of what's on the paper I'm staring at.

  The headline is absurd--Soon a Starkling!--but the photograph is even worse. It's me, passed out on the lawn of Misty's house, my head in Damien's lap.

  Suddenly, my whole body ignites as if embarrassment is a bonfire and it's burning me alive.

  But what the hell do I have to be ashamed of? I know enough about photography to know that someone standing across the street took the picture with a long lens. That person should be ashamed--being nosy, selling private photographs.

  And the only people who know I'm pregnant are Damien and the staff at the clinic. I'm certain Dr. Cray isn't the "unnamed source" identified in the article, but I bet the receptionist who didn't meet my eyes when she passed me a pen to sign out yesterday earned a few extra bucks.

  Bitch.

  I swallow, draw a breath, and meet John's and Bijan's eyes in turn. "I didn't realize any of this had made the papers."

  "So it's true." The two men exchange a glance. "We're concerned that your pregnancy may impact our timetable. Not the quality of the work," he hurries to add. "But I'm sure you understand that we're on a tight schedule. And with a pregnancy, things aren't always certain. You could end up on bed rest."

  "I won't end up on bed rest," I insist, but I see him glance down at the paper. At the image of me on the ground. You hadn't expected to pass out, either, he seems to be saying. So how can you possibly know what's to come?

  I stand, though I feel decidedly unsteady, and the fact that I'm so off balance pisses me off. Especially since when I entered this office, I believed I had the job nailed down.

  Suddenly, I wish I were applying for actual employment. Then they wouldn't have even been allowed to ask about my pregnancy. But Title VII doesn't apply to me, and if these men want to hire another candidate because my pregnancy lowers their confidence in me, then that's their prerogative.

  "Gentlemen," I say, lifting my chin. "You've seen my work. You've reviewed my proposal. I have every confidence that Fairchild Development can get this project in on time, under budget, and with exceptional quality. I look forward to hearing from you."

  I nod my head, pick up my satchel, and stride from the office. If nothing else, I want the last goddamn word.

  More than that, though, I want to get out of the building before the tears come. Because I can feel them pressing against my eyes, and I jam my finger on the elevator button and hold my breath, praying that neither Bijan nor John follows me out.

  Only when I'm safely in the elevator car do I let my body sag and frustration take over. I cry all the way from the thirtieth floor to the lobby, and when I step out, I wipe away my tears, lift my head, and go to meet my driver.

  If he can tell that I've been crying, he doesn't show it. Instead, he opens the door for me and says simply, "Back to the hotel, Mrs. Stark?"

  "Yes," I say, then immediately contradict myself. "No, actually. There's somewhere I want to go first."

  I'm in a funk as the driver maneuvers the Dallas streets, and not just about the possibility of losing this contract. No, that's only one tiny blip on a much larger radar screen.

  The truth is that even though I've been front and center in the press ever since I started dating Damien, I still haven't developed the knack of knowing what's going to trigger tabloid interest. And it never once occurred to me that this pregnancy would be news.

  Or, not news, but gossip. The kind of gossip that sells magazines, makes the rounds on social media, and has over-eager paparazzi gathering outside my office or trailing my car or lingering near the gate to our Malibu property.

  I made the decision to put up with it when I married Damien, and I've become much more adept at handling the press. For the most part, they don't even bother us anymore. We'd been in the spotlight when the news leaked that Damien had paid me a cool million to pose nude for a portrait, of course. And then again when he'd been arrested for murder--and when the charges were dropped.

  Later, they'd been in our face yet again when Damien had decided to publicly reveal the history of abuse that his tennis coach had inflicted on him for so many years. That's when Damien turned the tables and used the tabloids' interest in him to drive sympathy toward the Stark Children's Foundation, a nonprofit he set up to help abused and traumatized children through sports and play therapy.

  There's been more press since our marriage, too, of course. Certainly, our wedding was big news, as was all the publicity and crises surrounding the Resort at Cortez, the island resort that Jackson designed for Stark Real Estate Development--and the project during which Damien--and the press--first learned that Jackson Steele was Damien Stark's half-brother.

  There've been blackmail attempts, too. Assholes who tell us that all we have to do to keep things like racy photos out of the public eye is pay. Damien hasn't--not yet--choosing instead to use his resources to fight back. So far, he's been able to thwart the threats. But one day, he might not be able to.

  One day, it might be our child at the center of a blackmail scheme. Our child that the paparazzi constantly follows. Our child who will be constantly watched. Constantly judge
d. Reviled for coming from money. Accused of being spoiled and out of touch.

  And as for Damien and me . . .

  Well, our every decision will be scrutinized, all our choices hashed out publicly. And God forbid our child ever does anything foolish, because the tabloids will eat her alive.

  I draw a breath, then sigh as I wipe my eyes once again.

  The press had shined the spotlight on Damien even before he won the Junior Grand Prix at fifteen. He was too young, too talented, and too good-looking. Perhaps they would have looked away once he retired, but then there was scandal. And after that, money and the empire he built. Every step in Damien's life has drawn scrutiny, and I can't imagine that will stop any time soon.

  Damien's wealth is a blessing in so many ways. A concrete manifestation of his incredible talent and intellect. And it's so damned unfair that what should feel like a boon--the ability to provide for a child in every way possible--feels so much like a curse.

  My phone pings, signaling an incoming text. I scramble in my leather satchel to grab it, hoping it's Damien, but I can see immediately from the message on the lock screen that it's not--What makes you think you can handle it?

  I stare at the cold, hard words and my insides twist as bile rises in my throat. I hesitate. My instinct is to just throw the damn thing back into my bag. But I don't. I open the app so I can see who sent it. But the number is blocked, and all I have is the horrible text.

  I have no idea who sent it. I've never been particularly precious with my cell number. Mostly, I only give it to friends, but I also frequently use it for after-hours business or pass it along to important contacts.

  In other words, it could be anyone. Maybe it's some bitch who resents me for having married Damien. For being pregnant with his child. Or maybe it's one of the potential contractors for the Greystone-Branch job, pissed off after hearing the rumors that I'm one of the final candidates.

  Maybe it's Sofia, and she's not as healthy as everyone seems to think.

  I don't know, and I don't care.

  Except that's a lie. I do care. I care too damn much. And as I fight back tears, the words of the text rattle around in my head, banging up against my own dark thoughts. You, a mom? You, juggle work and a family? What makes you think you can handle it, Nikki? What makes you think you're even remotely prepared for this? For any of this?