A Hopeless Discovery

by Daniel Carson

  “Now?” Mr. Bean squeaked.

  Judge Thurmond narrowed his eyes at the city lawyer. “Yes, Mr. Bean. Now. But don’t worry, this should be simple enough. Ms. Walker admits to what she did, so let’s just throw that judgment in now. How much would Ms. Clark like for emotional damage?”

  I started to panic. I didn’t want to go to jail. And I didn’t have any money. I had thought Judge Thurmond might go easy on me. Now I was worried.

  Mr. Bean looked at the judge uncertainly, then turned around and whispered with Gemima. After a moment he turned back around. “Ms. Clark believes another thousand dollars for emotional damage would be fair.”

  “And how much for the plastic surgery? I hear that can get expensive.”

  The lawyer and Gemima conferred for a minute on this one. Then finally, “Ten thousand, Your Honor.”

  “Sure you don’t want more?”

  “Twenty?”

  “That sounds better,” said Judge Thurmond.

  Now I was freaking out. My body was shaking. My chest was thump, thump, thumping away.

  “Okay,” said the judge, “let’s wrap this up. Ms. Walker, I take it you realize the serious nature of what you have done.”

  I was furious at myself for being so stupid. Stupid in punching Gemima. Stupid and stubborn in refusing to get a lawyer. But at this point, there wasn’t much I could do.

  “I do, Your Honor.”

  “I’m glad to hear it. In considering the legal and the civil matters together, I sentence you, Hope Walker, to the following.”

  He cleared his throat.

  “You will serve zero days in jail. You will pay the city zero dollars in fines. You will pay Ms. Clark zero dollars for emotional trauma. As for plastic surgery, you will buy her exactly one New York strip from Randy the butcher. Those run about $8.99.”

  I couldn’t believe it. And judging by the outburst from Gemima and Mr. Bean, they couldn’t either.

  Judge Thurmond banged his gavel to regain order.

  Mr. Bean, who looked like he was physically restraining Gemima from leaping from her seat, stood. “A steak, Your Honor?”

  Judge Thurmond smiled. “I saw it on Leave It to Beaver. They put a steak on the Beaver’s black eye. Apparently it makes it better. I suggest Ms. Clark do that.”

  “Your Honor, I have to strenuously object,” said Mr. Bean.

  The judge spoke to the court reporter. “Gladys, be sure you got that correct. Mr. Bean strenuously objects.”

  “Got it, Your Honor. Strenuously.”

  “Your Honor!” Mr. Bean’s face was turning red. “This is a serious offense, and you are making a mockery of not only the law, but now, of, um… my client! May I at least ask why?”

  “First of all, Mr. Bean, I couldn’t give two craps about how you think things should be done. I have been a judge for over thirty years and have devoted my life to the law. The only mockery here is Ms. Clark claiming that she is some kind of victim. You see, I received a call earlier today from an old and very dear friend. He told me several stories about what Ms. Clark did to his child during high school. Those stories made me sick to my stomach. I’ve heard from three more people since that call. All with similar stories. Had any one of these incidents been brought to my courtroom, I would have gladly thrown the book at Ms. Clark.”

  “Your Honor, none of that has any bearing on today’s proceedings!”

  “Thank you, Mr. Bean, for once again telling me how to do my job. If you do it again, I will find you in contempt of court, and you will spend the next twenty-four hours in a cell thinking about how to speak to me in my courtroom. Now—there’s an old legal term that I believe is quite relevant to this matter today. I don’t remember the Latin, but the English is plain enough. She had it coming to her.” He grabbed his gavel and raised it, but then paused. “Before I bring this matter to a close, I have one more request. Sheriff Kramer, could you do me a favor?”

  “Yes, Your Honor.”

  “Please do not waste my time again.”

  Judge Thurmond banged his gavel, and court was adjourned.

  I pulled a ten-dollar bill out of my wallet, crumpled it up, walked over to Gemima, and threw it at her. “Keep the change.”

  She ripped off her sunglasses and screamed. Mr. Bean had to hold her back.

  Katie gave me a big hug at the back of the courtroom. “That was the greatest takedown of Gemima I have ever seen in my life,” she said.

  “Judge Thurmond is officially my favorite person in the world right now.” And Dr. Bridges. I would have to remember to thank him. And, apparently, three other people, if I could just find out who.

  I turned to Granny. “Did you call him today?”

  “Nope.”

  “You sure?”

  She crossed her heart. “Promise. But I can tell you this: he’ll be drinking for free for a while. That was glorious.”

  I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around. It was Alex.

  “You got a minute to talk, Hope?”

  He had been given a minor dressing-down by Judge Thurmond, and he didn’t look too happy about it. Not a hint of a smile. Not handsome Alex at the moment.

  I turned to Katie and Granny, and they got the picture. “We’ll be outside if you need us,” Katie said.

  They walked away, and Alex and I stepped alone into the marble hallway outside of Judge Thurmond’s courtroom.

  “Listen, Hope… I’m glad the judge didn’t punish you.”

  “Fine, can I go?”

  He held his hands up, palms out. “But you must understand, I had a job to do.”

  “Thanks for the reminder, can I go?”

  “Stop it, Hope. Just—”

  “Just what? Do whatever it is you want me to do? Sorry, kiddo, that’s not who I am.”

  “Why are you so angry with me? I was just doing my job.”

  I folded my arms. “Are you really that dumb?”

  “What did you expect me to do?”

  “For starters? When I step out of a bathroom, how about I don’t have to see you kissing Gemima Clark?”

  “She kissed me, Hope!”

  “So all of a sudden Big Sheriff Alex Kramer can’t fend off a girl? Is that what you’re saying?”

  “That’s not what I’m saying. She kissed me, then it was over and you punched her. Why’d you have to punch her?”

  “Did you not just listen to Judge Thurmond in there? I punched Gemima because she is horrible and has always been horrible. I punched her for all the times I didn’t punch her in the past. And yes, I punched her because she was kissing you!”

  Alex growled. “She said she wanted to press charges. I had to arrest you.”

  “No, Alex, that’s where you’re wrong. You did not. If you had any guts, you would have stood up to her. You would have said no, you jumped on top of me and started kissing me without me asking, and this girl I… this girl I was with saw it and she got mad and punched you because you deserve it and everybody knows it and I’m not going to arrest her. That’s what you should have done!” I shouted that last part. The sound echoed in the hall.

  Alex stepped back as if to regroup. He looked like he was about to say something, then caught himself, shook his head, and took a breath.

  “Listen, Hope, right before court started, I got a call from Debbie and Cal Ruttledge. They told me there was another animal shooting. And that you were there. They said you chased the shooter into the woods. Hope, you could have been hurt.”

  “But I wasn’t.”

  “You were right about the goat case. I gave that to you because I was messing with you. But this is two shootings now. Someone’s doing this intentionally. And you can’t just go running after people like that.”

  “Why?”

  “Because you might get hurt!”

  “And why would that matter to you?”

  “You… you are so infuriating. Isn’t it obvious?”

  “You arrested me last night, so no, whatever you think is obvious… is
definitely not obvious.”

  Alex put his hands on his hips. “What do you want me to do?”

  “How about you say you’re sorry?”

  “Fine. I’m sorry.”

  “Okay, now answer my question. Have you ever been in a serious relationship?”

  “Yes.”

  “Now why was that so hard?”

  He said nothing.

  “You know why? It’s because you don’t trust me.”

  That caught him off guard. “What are you talking about?”

  “I’m talking about the murder weapon.”

  He looked confused. “What?”

  “Imagine my surprise this morning when Dr. Bridges told me that the murder weapon was a screwdriver. A flathead screwdriver. Not a knife.”

  His eyes widened with understanding. No more confusion. He took another step back.

  “Alex, you told me it was a knife. Why did you tell me it was a knife?”

  He still said nothing. He didn’t need to.

  “I already know why,” I said. “Because you knew from the beginning, just like me, that this case was going to be almost impossible to solve. Except that… we have this one thing. This one piece of evidence. The murder weapon. And apart from you, Dr. Bridges, and now me, the only person who knows what the murder weapon was… is the murderer. That’s important. You want to keep that secret. And that’s why you didn’t tell me. Because you didn’t want that little fact getting out.”

  The look on his face told me everything I needed to know.

  “In other words, Alex Kramer, you don’t trust me.”

  Chapter Chapter Twenty-One

  I went back to the Library, climbed the stairs to my apartment, and collapsed into my bed. I dreamt about a monstrous skeletal arm that was wreaking havoc through the streets of Tokyo… except it wasn’t really Tokyo, it was Main Street in Hopeless. Anyway, there was a family trapped in a car, and the monster hand was coming down to crush them. And one of the kids had a straw in his mouth and was shooting spitwads at the creature, and that made the creature angry. So of course I throw myself in harm’s way like the classic heroine I am.

  Except, at the very last minute, Sheriff Alex Kramer comes along. It doesn’t look like Alex—it looks like a combination of Sheriff Ed Kline and Mr. Clowder—but in the dream I know it’s Alex because, well, he’s still got those green eyes. And I think he’s here to save me—and the family!

  But instead, he walks up to me, and he says…

  “Hope Walker, you have the right to remain silent.”

  That’s when my face buzzed.

  A moment later my face buzzed again, and I realized I was sleeping on my phone. I lifted up my head, and actual slobber fell from my lip.

  Oh, that’s just lovely.

  I saw that it was Katie, so I hit the green button.

  “Hope, it’s Katie.”

  “I know it’s Katie. It says Katie on my phone when your number rings. It’s part of the technical magic behind these new things called cell phones.”

  “Okay, Miss Grumpy Shorts. I can tell I woke you.”

  “For your information, I’ve been out working.”

  “Liar. I can hear the drool through the phone.”

  How does she do that?

  “I changed my mind about tonight. After the day you had, coming over to say goodnight to my children is the last thing you need to do.”

  “You sure they won’t be mad?”

  “Are you kidding? I promised they could watch Die Hard as their bedtime movie.”

  “I think the hero murders about a hundred people in that one.”

  I could almost hear her shrug. “Yippee ki yay.”

  “Katie—I think this is the part where I criticize your parenting technique, and then you criticize me for being a know-it-all single person who doesn’t actually have any kids…”

  “Hope, what I’m saying is, tonight, you need a ladies’ night.”

  That woke me up a little. “That’s actually a very good idea. One problem: I don’t want to show my face at the Taco House for a while.”

  “Are you kidding me? You’re the girl who punched Gemima Clark! You’re like a national treasure. If anything, you’ll have to worry about signing autographs.”

  “I’m not really in the mood to sign autographs tonight. How about we just get a case of Bud and go down to the river?”

  “I can see you’re in a very bad place.”

  “What? It is the King of Beers.”

  “Snap out of it, Hope. Me and you. Girls’ night. Alcohol. Unhealthy food. We talk about people behind their backs. It’ll make us feel better about ourselves. Come on!”

  I sat up and wiped the remaining slobber off my phone. “I do have one idea. What are your feelings on apple donuts?”

  Thankfully, Miss “No Ifs, Ands, or Buts” was not at the ticket counter, and the younger girl who was there was a lot more agreeable. When I claimed we were there on official business—Katie even showed her an ID badge she had from working at the sheriff’s office—she let us in.

  When we passed through the haystack tunnel and the first food smells started to wash over us, I thought Katie was going to cry. She turned and gave me a hug.

  “I’m someplace fun—and I’m here without children… which makes it actually fun. It’s been so, so long.”

  “I actually had fun with your kids when we were here on Saturday.”

  “That’s because you were just swooping in. Swooping in is always fun. It’s all the other stuff that’s not fun.”

  “But isn’t it all the other stuff that’s supposed to make you a better person?”

  She pointed to her face. “Do I look like a better person to you?”

  “You really don’t.”

  “Yeah, I didn’t think so.”

  We stopped at Popeye’s Pints to grab a couple mugs of beer, then we made a beeline down Apple Donut Lane to the main attraction.

  “Oh, hoochie mama,” Katie said when the attendant piled a half dozen warm donuts into a paper basket.

  “Now remember,” I said as I reached for my first donut, “three of these are mine.”

  She slapped my hand away. “Like hell they are.”

  “Katie, step away from the donuts and no one will get hurt.”

  Katie pointed to a sign behind the clerk. “But they are America’s Best Donuts. A woman of my appetite cannot just have three of America’s Best Donuts.”

  “I promise we’ll get more later. We need to pace ourselves.”

  “You really don’t understand the concept of Ladies’ Night, do you?”

  Lucinda popped out from her kitchen carrying four boxes of donuts, but when she saw me, she set them down and walked over.

  “Business or pleasure tonight, Hope?”

  “A little bit of both,” I said. “Lucinda Meadows, this is my friend Katie Rodgers.”

  Lucinda stuck out her hand, and Katie shook it.

  “Rodgers,” Lucinda said. “Wasn’t it your son who found Wanda’s arm in the pumpkin patch on Saturday?”

  Katie smiled. “It was a really proud moment for all of us. We’ve been looking for dead bodies in pumpkin patches for years. And to think… we finally did it.”

  Lucinda looked at her like she was crazy. Then she turned to me with a questioning look.

  “Yes,” I said. “She’s kidding.”

  “Good. So… how’s the investigation coming?”

  “It really just started.”

  “Any leads?”

  “Honestly? Not really.”

  Katie lifted her finger while she swallowed a big hunk of donut. “I object.”

  “Excuse me?” I said.

  “I think the culprit was…” She slowly pointed at Lucinda. “You.” Then she broke out into a big smile. “Because girl, you are killing me with these donuts.”

  Lucinda and I both laughed.

  “In fact,” Katie continued, “they are almost so good that I don’t want to drink my beer.” O
n cue, she took a big swig of beer and wiped her lips with the back of her hand. “I said almost. Seriously, Lucinda. I don’t even understand how an apple donut can be this good.”

  I leaned toward her. “You know what the secret ingredient is, don’t you?”

  Katie leaned in as well.

  “Love!” I said, and proceeded to give her a big kiss on the cheek.

  “Gross!” Katie yelped. “Not cool, Hope Walker. And just for that, I’m taking one of your donuts.” She grabbed a fourth donut and popped it into her mouth before I could stop her.

  “How about you, Lucinda?” I asked. “Any more thoughts on what might have happened?”

  “Plenty of thoughts. I mean, everyone is still talking about it. But no one knows anything. I don’t think anybody around here could have done it… but…”

  “But what?”

  “Have you talked to Johnny yet?”

  “Just talked to him this morning. Why?”

  “It was something Mary said to me during lunch today. About Johnny being creepy.”

  “He is creepy. Super creepy. And I know that from only ten minutes spent at his home. This is a surprise to you?”

  “I guess that’s just it. I’ve known him so long I got used to it. I thought of Johnny as eccentric. But Mary reminded me how creepy everybody thought he was when he first started working here.”

  “You think he’s creepy enough to have killed an old woman and buried her in a pumpkin patch?”

  She hesitated, then picked up her boxes of donuts. “Maybe.”

  And then she walked away.

  After finishing our donuts and beer, I asked Katie if she wanted to walk around for a while. She patted her belly and burped. “No, I definitely do not want to walk around for a while.”

  I spotted the train station, and had another idea. “Think you can make it as far as that train?”

  “Sure… but only if you roll me.”

  The train was driven by an old man who announced himself as “Boom Boom.” He said he drove the train part-time as a way to get away from his wife. Then he laughed. And that made all the men on the train laugh as well. I didn’t see the women laughing very much.