Journey to Same-Sex Parenthood

by Eric Rosswood

  Support – Becoming a parent can be a stressful journey. If you work with an open adoption agency, you will likely have emotional support to help you get through the challenges that pop up along the way. The support could come in the form of a counselor or support group filled with other families in the same situation as you, sharing their experiences with each other.

  Open Adoption Challenges

  Unpredictable waiting periods – Once you have been approved and have completed your birthmother letter, you pretty much have to sit and wait for a birthmother to contact you. There’s no telling how long that can take. You could be contacted as soon as you get approved or you could wind up waiting three years! The lack of control and unknown future can be very stressful and may even take a toll on your relationship with your partner. Open communication and support for each other is key here.

  Emotional stress – There are many things that will cause stress during the adoption process. Completing mounds of paperwork, going through background checks, getting medical exams and having a home study are just the beginning. It is common for people to worry about why it’s taking so long for them to get chosen. Once they do get chosen, they may feel a need to keep their guard up in fear of saying or doing something that could make the birthmother decide to choose another couple. The constant doubt can be exhausting and draining.

  Scams – The adoption journey is an emotional one and unfortunately there are people who use this as an opportunity to prey on prospective parents. Some scams are financially motivated, while others are just about someone wanting to mess with your head. Adoption agencies can help weed out potential scams, but there is no guarantee you will not encounter one.

  Possibility that a match will fall through – There is no guarantee that a match with a potential birthmother will result in placement. There are many reasons why a match could fall through: The birthmother could change her mind, a relative may step in to help raise the child or something else could happen that changes the circumstances of the situation. The benefit of working with an open adoption agency is that they do thorough intakes with birthparents to assess their situation and help them make the right decision for them. Because of these intakes, when you work with a reputable agency the risks of a birthmother backing out are minimized.

  Reasons Why People Choose Foster Care

  Lots of support – When you become a foster parent, you will have numerous resources available to help you along the way. Support is offered to help you adjust to becoming a foster parent and it is also offered throughout your journey.

  Helping others – When you become a foster parent, you are helping a child who has nowhere else to go. There are many reasons why children go into foster care: They may have come from abusive homes or they may have lost their parents. When you open your home to a foster child, you’ll not only be helping them, but you’ll be helping families and whole communities as well.

  Economical – When adopting a child through foster care, you won’t have the hefty fees associated with surrogacy or private adoption. Foster parents may also receive a monthly stipend to help feed, clothe and meet the basic needs of the children placed in their care. While money should never be a reason to become a foster parent, it does help with taking care of a child.

  Helping young people in the LGBT community – Unfortunately, there are still kids who get kicked out of their homes because of their sexual orientation or gender identity and it can be hard for LGBT children in foster care to find permanent homes. It can also be hard to find people willing to take in a child with HIV/AIDS. As an LGBT parent, you are in a unique position to help kids in our community grow up in a safe, stable and accepting environment.

  Foster Care Challenges

  Possible separation – One of the main goals of state and private placement agencies is to reunite children with their families whenever safely possible and while there are opportunities for adoption, those opportunities are not guaranteed. There is a chance that the child or children you open your home to could be taken away from you and reunited with their previous family, even after a strong emotional bond has been developed.

  Long wait times – Caseworkers are often overworked, so things can move slowly. It may seem like it takes forever to have paperwork filed or to hear back from agencies. You will need a lot of patience.

  Possible emotional and/or mental health issues – Foster children may come from homes that were broken by death, divorce, drugs, sexual abuse, physical abuse, financial hardship or many other scenarios. Because of this, there is a possibility that they may have developed aggressive behavior or emotional insecurities that could disrupt your household.

  Possible medical issues – There are many children in foster care with medical issues, developmental delays and/or physical disabilities. It is important that you fully understand how your life will be impacted if you decide to open your home to a child with special needs. You may need to take the child to frequent doctor visits, prepare special diets, administer medications or even make modifications to your home.

  Possible negative interactions with birthparents – You may have interactions with a child’s birthparents when you foster a child and these interactions may not always be positive. Also, keep in mind that even if you work with an LGBT-friendly agency, the child’s birthparents and/or family members may not be so accepting. They may even be openly antagonistic toward their child growing up with LGBT parents.

  Reasons Why People Choose Surrogacy

  Biological link – Surrogacy makes it possible for one or both of the parents in a same-sex relationship to have a biological link with the baby. Of course, only one sperm from one male can fertilize an egg, so a gay couple will have to decide who donates or they could just mix their semen together and see whose sperm wins the race. Alternatively, if the sperm is used from one of the males and an egg is used from a relative of the other male, the child would have a biological connection to both males in a same-sex relationship. It may also be possible for a gay couple to have twins where one baby is biologically related to one father and the other baby is biologically related to the other father.

  Participation in the pregnancy journey – When a couple chooses surrogacy, they have the opportunity to witness and be a part of the pregnancy journey. It’s possible for them to be present for sonograms, the baby’s first heartbeat and maybe even get to feel the baby kick if the surrogate is in agreement.

  Opportunity to be present during birth – If your surrogate is comfortable with it and you want to be present during birth, you have that opportunity. You may also get the chance to take pictures, video or even cut the umbilical cord. Just try not to be one of those parents who faint in the delivery room.

  Medical history – Egg and sperm donors complete medical history forms allowing the parents to be aware of the biological family’s medical history. Keep in mind, if you choose anonymous egg and sperm donors, you will not know if there are medical updates with the biological family in the future.

  Smooth and harmonious experience – All parties involved sign contracts in the beginning allowing for expectations to be set early on. While there are always exceptions to every rule, this normally makes for a smooth and harmonious experience for everyone involved.

  Surrogacy Challenges

  Not everyone approves of surrogacy – Some people see surrogacy as “baby selling” or “buying a baby” because of the large sums of money that are exchanged for the service. While it’s true that it’s your decision on how you expand your own family, be aware that some people among your friends, family or social circles might not approve.

  Invasive procedures – The surrogate will need to go through a lot of medically invasive procedures, which can sometimes be difficult and uncomfortable.

  Possible medical complications – With surrogacy, it often takes multiple attempts to conceive and miscarriages are common with surrogate pregnancies. It is important that you speak with a medical professional to get a clear understanding of
the potential medical complications that could arise.

  Financial cost – Many people find that the surrogacy route is too expensive. When taking into consideration the cost of hiring a surrogate, possibly paying a portion of the surrogate mother’s living expenses, the cost of the medical procedures, agency fees, lawyer fees and more, you’re looking at somewhere over $100,000. On top of that, many insurance companies won’t cover the costs of the fertilization or delivery when using a surrogate.

  Possible legal complications – Traditional surrogacy (the egg donor and surrogate are the same person) is currently treated the same as a birthmother placing her child for adoption, because there is a biological connection between the surrogate and the child. This could complicate things if the surrogate changes her mind and decides she wants parental rights. Because of this, all states currently prohibit traditional surrogacy agreements.

  Possible breach of contract – Even though all parties sign a contract in the beginning, it is still possible for a surrogate to violate her end of the agreement. There is a risk the birthmother could voluntarily have an abortion without the consent of the intended parents or refuse to have an agreed-upon abortion when recommended by the physician. It is also possible that the surrogate could use drugs, consume alcohol or fail to follow other behavioral restrictions laid out in the contract.

  Scams – Unfortunately, a simple online search brings up numerous surrogacy scam examples where agencies have run off with client funds and/or closed their doors without giving notice, abandoning their clients in the process. Make sure you research potential agencies thoroughly prior to working with one and seek the advice of an independent attorney who can oversee the process and advocate on your behalf.

  Reasons Why People Choose Assisted Reproduction

  Biological connection – There can be a biological link between the child and one of the women in a same-sex relationship if an egg from one of the women is used. There is also a possibility for both women to have a biological link with the child if the sperm donor is genetically linked to the non-biological mother.

  Shared contribution for lesbian couples – Ovum sharing (or co-maternity) is an option that makes it possible for both women in a same-sex relationship to contribute to the conception of their child: One woman provides her egg and the other carries the baby. Some lesbian couples choose this option because both women in the relationship can contribute to the conception of their child.

  Being involved since inception – Assisted reproduction gives you the benefit of being involved in your child’s life from the moment he or she is conceived. You’ll have the opportunity to see the sonogram and even listen to your child’s first heartbeat. Women in same-sex relationships can support each other during the pregnancy journey by doing things like going to doctor visits and Lamaze classes together.

  Experiencing birth – Assisted reproduction gives one of you the opportunity to carry and give birth to your child. If you are both in the same room during the actual delivery, a woman can support her partner by holding her hand and/or helping with breathing. She may even have the opportunity to cut the cord.

  More control – If you or your partner decides to carry the baby, you will have a lot of control along the way, especially when it comes to what enters your body. You can choose whether or not to use prenatal vitamins, eat organic foods and refrain from using alcohol, drugs and tobacco.

  Assisted Reproduction Challenges

  Lack of insurance coverage – Many insurance companies will not cover alternative insemination unless there is a diagnosis of “infertility” or if you have tried to inseminate without success for a period of time. Make sure you ask your health insurance company how they define infertility, what treatments are covered and if their policy covers insemination for same-sex couples.

  Cost – For women who use a sperm bank, costs can add up depending on what services they use. Because many insurance companies won’t cover assisted reproduction without a diagnosis of infertility, the journey can get expensive quickly.

  No guarantee of success – There are no guarantees that one of you will become pregnant after going through assisted reproduction treatments. You could wind up trying multiple times, which could become very costly.

  Inconvenient facility locations – Cryobanks are not in every city and you may not have a local clinic near you. This can make things difficult when you have to arrange multiple doctor visits.

  Changes to your body – If you choose to get pregnant, you will also experience some of the changes to your body that come with pregnancy, such as weight gain, aches, pains, stretch marks, spider veins, additional body hair, acne and more.

  Difficult feelings – While this doesn’t always happen, sometimes a woman can start to develop feelings of jealousy when she is not the one carrying the baby. She may feel that she is missing out on parts of the experience and this could add strain to the relationship. Because of this, sometimes women in same-sex relationships make a decision that they will take turns getting pregnant. Whatever you decide to do as a couple, open communication is key.

  Reasons Why People Choose Known Donors

  Relationship with your child – As your child grows up, he or she can develop a relationship with the donor. Your child will have a better understanding of where he or she came from and why he or she might have certain characteristics and traits.

  Biological connection – It is still possible for a child to have a biological connection to both women in a same-sex relationship if the sperm donor is genetically linked to the non-biological mother.

  Cost – For women who choose not to get medical assistance, but instead get pregnant with the help of a friend, the cost is significantly lower.

  Known Donor Challenges

  Parental rights – For women who become pregnant with the assistance of a known donor, there is greater risk that the donor may later try to claim parental rights. There may even be a possibility that you or your partner could lose custody. When using a known donor, it is recommended that you consult with an attorney and have a Known Donor Agreement signed. Keep in mind that a Known Donor Agreement will not necessarily terminate the donor’s rights, even if it says so. That’s why consulting an attorney beforehand is crucial, especially since the laws vary by state.

  Sexually transmitted diseases – Using a known donor at home without testing has a similar risk to having unprotected sex in terms of sexually transmitted infections. If you are using a known donor, even if he looks 100 percent healthy, consider having him tested through a sperm bank or fertility clinic. Testing will also inform you if the donor has a viable sperm count before you begin the process.

  Reasons Why People Choose Unknown Donors

  Reduced risk of custody challenges – Unknown donors surrender all of their parenting rights when working with a sperm bank. Things are not always cut and dried with a known donor. Consult an attorney to understand the laws in your state.

  Reduced risk of problematic genes – When using a sperm bank, you have access to the donor’s comprehensive medical history. With this knowledge, you have the ability to control your child’s exposure to problematic genes.

  Reduced risk of sexually transmitted diseases – When using a sperm bank, specimens can be quarantined and tested for sexually transmitted diseases. This can reduce the risk of passing anything on to you or your child.

  Unknown Donor Challenges

  Relationship with the child – Typically, your child will not have the opportunity to know the donor. Sometimes, donors will agree to have their identity revealed once the child turns eighteen. Your child may have a yearning to know more about his or her full biological heritage.

  Unknown future medical history – If you choose an unknown donor, there is a high chance that you will not know of any changes in the donor family’s medical history. It can be stressful if your child becomes sick and the sperm bank is unable or unwilling to find the donor to provide clues.

  Frozen sperm can be less ef
fective – Frozen sperm will not live as long as fresh sperm. Because of the frozen sperm’s shorter lifespan, the timing of the insemination needs to be much more precise.

  Reasons Why People Choose Co-Parenting

  Additional support – When you choose to co-parent, you’re not going through the journey alone and you can utilize the support of your co-parenting partners when difficult situations arise.

  Balance – Because more people are involved in raising the child, there are many opportunities to create a more balanced life. While one parent or couple is taking care of the child, the other person or couple can catch up on things like sleep, chores, work-related activities and hobbies. This allows you to be more focused on your child when he or she is present.

  Flexibility – Because there is shared custody, you can have flexible time while your child is staying with his or her other parents. Because of this, it’s easier to schedule date nights and have more personal alone time with your partner.

  Sharing expenses – When two sets of parents are raising a child, if each of them is working, there will be four incomes to help with the expenses of raising a child. This can alleviate a lot of financial stress if it is clear upfront how each person is going to contribute.

  Biological connection – For some people, having a biological connection with their child is important. In a co-parenting situation, it is possible for both biological parents to take active roles in raising the child.

  Participation in the pregnancy journey – Everyone involved has the opportunity to witness and be a part of the pregnancy journey. It can be possible for them to be present for sonograms, the baby’s first heartbeat and more.

  Opportunity to be present during birth – If everyone is comfortable with it and the doctors allow it, each of you can be present during birth. You may also get the chance to take photos or video and even cut the umbilical cord.