A Swarm of Dust

by Evald Flisar

  ‘I’ll find a woman! Now or never!’ He put on the white shirt, buttoning it carefully. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he put on some polished high boots. ‘Jesus! I will not be the only man in this village without children!’

  He got up, reached for his cap, put it on, and smoothed his hair and moustache. Then he headed determinedly towards the door. But the next moment he stopped and stared at the floor. He raised his head and stared into space for a while. He staggered over to the chair and literally sank onto it, putting his face in his hands. In the distance, a church clock struck a late hour. Geder bent down and began to remove his boots.

  Janek became aware that his mother was once more approaching the door from the darkness. She banged on it and twice called out: ‘Lojz!’

  Geder got up, went to the door and opened it. Aranka pushed past him into the room.

  ‘Lojz … ’

  Geder sat back down on the chair. Aranka sank to the floor in front of him and took his hand.

  ‘Lojz … ’

  ‘Stop it.’

  ‘There’s something I must tell you.’

  ‘Everything’s been said already.’

  ‘Some good news!’ She reached for his hand and pressed it on her stomach. ‘Can you feel it?’

  ‘Yes, your stomach.’

  ‘It’s bloated.’

  ‘Because you’re fat. It’s all the food I’ve given you.’

  ‘Lojz, it’s there!’

  Geder became agitated: ‘What?’

  ‘A baby!’ cried Aranka, half in tears. ‘A baby!’

  Geder jumped up, grabbed her shoulder and pulled her to her feet. ‘Five minutes ago nothing, and now suddenly this? Did the devil impregnate you outside.’

  ‘Lojz,’ said Aranka calmly, ‘before I didn’t know.’

  ‘And how do you know now?’

  ‘It moved! It’s moving! A woman knows when there’s a baby inside her.’

  ‘If you are lying, I’ll kill you!’

  Aranka burst into tears. ‘It’s there, Lojz, it’s there!’

  ‘It’s moving?’ Geder began to laugh wildly. ‘It’s moving!’ He planted Aranka on a chair and kneeled in front of her. ‘You sit here. Don’t move! I want to watch you. An hour.’

  Aranka smiled vainly, took off her headscarf and let down her wild black hair. Geder was as happy as a child. ‘Heavens, you’re beautiful! A mother. The mother of my child. I’ll start believing in God!’

  Late that night, when his mother was sleeping, he took the axe from the nail by the door and went towards the chestnut tree on the rise above the woods. The moonlight showed him the way. He began to strike at the trunk close to the ground. The chestnut was so high that he could barely see its crown. The sky suddenly clouded over, but because he had been hacking at the tree for quite some time, covered in sweat, and the tree had still not begun to fall, he noticed nothing but the chips of wood that were flying in all directions and the axe that was threatening to slip from his sweaty hands. When he stopped, panting, to take a rest, it immediately seemed strange to him that above the large valley to his left there was a strange darkness tinged with red. It was equally dark to his right, where the stream ran through the valley. He looked at the sky and saw black clouds gathering. Then he was blinded by a sudden flash that shot to the edge of the valley, and then another and another, while at the same time it thundered, rolling to the invisible horizon with such force that the ground beneath his feet trembled slightly. And in an instant the wind was there, rushing in so that the tree groaned. Fat drops of rain were falling and there was a whooshing sound as if water was rushing in from somewhere. Janek resumed his task, swinging the axe as if his life depended on it, for he knew that the wind would help him. Again there was a flash of lightning, this time right above him, and a fierce storm poured down on him, so that in a moment he was soaked to the skin. Suddenly there was a large crack and the giant tree began to fall. He jumped out of the way, the crown of the tree sank into the bushes that grew on the gentle slope and the lower part of the trunk was thrown into the air, then all was still. Lightning illuminated the slope and in the blinding light he saw that the chestnut was unbelievably big, its crown lay so far away that he could barely see it. He pushed his way through the bushes. And then he could finally touch what he wanted: the chestnut leaves. They were softer than he expected, but hard enough to weave a chestnut garland from them. The time had come. The pain he felt when he heard what his mother told Geder reached its peak.

  The valley was gripped by alarm. People were knocking on the priest’s door and demanding that he declare a miracle or the devil’s work. An explanation was required; people were scared. But the priest did not speak out until mass on Sunday, from the pulpit:

  ‘As the prophet Isaiah said – and there’s no reason to disbelieve him, for he was a prophet – God,’ and here he raised his finger, “will empty the surface of the Earth, cleave it in two and scatter its inhabitants on all sides.” And then,’ he paused and raised his voice, ‘it will be the same for God’s servants and for ordinary people, for masters and slaves, for creditors and debtors, for farmers and gypsies! In the Last Judgement, God will not distinguish between you and me, his servant. That is what I lay upon your heart. There is no difference between you and me. Except that I am closer to God. And I am authorised – yes, authorised, that is a word you understand – to tend to his flock on Earth. You are his flock and you act like one!’ He calmed down slightly. ‘What shall we say about the chestnut tree? I know what you expect of me. That I declare a miracle! But that, my dear parishioners, I will not do! According to our grandmothers, the chestnut stood on that hill for at least six hundred years. I will not say that is a lie. But certainly six hundred years ago, if not before, the sinful story arose that the chestnut tree was sacred. That if an unworthy human hand should harm it, a great misfortune will befall this place, this parish. That, my dear parishioners, is an old wives’ tale. And old wives’ tales are as far from belief in God as your hair is from the sole of your foot. I’m not saying that I did not help to perpetuate it. You paid for masses for the chestnut tree, you asked me to pray for it, to bless it. I did so because I did not want to wound you in your simplicity. May God forgive me.’ He wiped the sweat from his brow. ‘The thing you prayed would not happen has now happened! The chestnut is no more! And because of that you came as a flock before God’s altar. You have been driven by fear. You are convinced that evil will now follow. Now the first seal will be broken, and the second seal and the third seal, and a white horse with a black killer, and a red horse will appear and its rider will swing a gigantic sword, and a third horse will appear and its rider will carry a pair of scales. But as your spiritual pastor I tell you that this fear is stuff and nonsense!’ He leaned back and raised his head. ‘The old chestnut is no more. Someone cut it down, all right. He must have had a hard time, because it was as big as five ordinary trees. However! Does anyone among you,’ he pointed at his audience, ‘know who committed this sinful act? For this is the work of a man, since only men use axes, and it is completely clear that the chestnut tree was cut down by one of you. One of you,’ he pointed at the congregation. ‘Someone who is not entirely in his right mind. Someone who is, and I intend no offence, a little mad. However … is there one among you that we could say is not of sound mind? I would not dare to accuse anyone. That would immediately expose him to the contempt and mockery of the rest, which would not be a Christian thing to do. And to accuse all of you would be unwise. This unfortunate matter of the chestnut tree is one of those things that only God understands, and so it is his business to do something about it. The only thing that we can do is to pray. And that we shall do. All kneel. Repeat after me.’ He put his hands together. ‘Our Father, which art in heaven … ’

  Towards evening, with the sun already sinking behind the hills, Janek approached Geder’s house. As usual, he first stopped at the window next to the woodshed and peeped inside. He saw that Geder was sitting on the edge of the b
ed, polishing his shoes. He saw that when he had finished he put them on his bare feet. He took a mirror down from the wall and leaned it against the edge of the bed. He turned round in front of it, looking at his footwear from every angle. He seemed satisfied. Janek opened the door and went in.

  Geder was startled. ‘I didn’t hear you knock!’

  ‘Neither did I.’

  Geder picked up the mirror and hung it back on the wall. ‘I was giving my boots a polish. I’m going into town to do a few errands.’

  ‘Geder, it’s June and those are winter boots.’

  ‘I’m used to a firm grip. In shoes your feet spread too much. Like walking through mud.’ Suddenly he looked more closely at Janek. ‘What have you got on your head?’

  ‘A crown of chestnut leaves.’

  ‘You think you’re a king, or what?’

  ‘When a sacred tree falls, some of us must take on a saintly shine.’

  ‘Sacred tree, oh come on. Someone needed firewood.’

  ‘The chestnut is still lying where it fell.’

  ‘They’ll come eventually and chop it up, and take it away. I know how the peasant mind works.’

  He turned and took his boots through the side door. He returned with a loaf of bread and a long knife and put both on the table.

  ‘Help yourself, go on.’

  Janek reached for the knife, turned it in his hand and examined it. ‘When I was a kid, my father and I often slept in the woods. Once I found him beside me with a knife like this in his neck.’

  ‘Didn’t your father ride off on his old nag and never return?’

  ‘We were selling pigs at the market. My old man said: five thousand. The buyer said: are you mad? And he went off. Then my dad picked up a bag and went after him. Four and a half, he said, and the bag as well. The buyer hands over the money, takes the bag and leaves. When he gets home he opens the bag, and guess what’s in it? Me. I jump out, pull it from his hands and rush off home.’

  ‘What you gypsies come up with!’

  ‘But gypsy women are all right, eh?’

  Geder looked awkward. ‘It depends on the individual.’

  ‘My mother has twenty children. They’re all doctors, apart from one, who is a patient. That’s me.’

  ‘Why don’t we go outside, in the light?’

  ‘Tell me something, Geder. How was it the first time you lay with a woman?’

  ‘Wait a minute,’ Geder began to fidget. ‘You want to talk about that?’

  ‘That’s right. I want to talk about that. Tell me.’

  ‘Well, you know … It draws it out of you, doesn’t it? You erupt. It does you good.’

  ‘I didn’t enjoy it.’

  Janek sat on the edge of the bed and stared into the distance. He spoke as if telling himself a story.

  ‘I remember the night. The moon in the sky. A full, curious eye. I could smell the coldness of the night. That was the damp coming from the valley. A fox barked in the woods. I could feel the wind licking the earth on the fields. I could feel the roughness of the fox’s coat and the hoarseness of its voice. I could feel the mossy ground beneath its paws. I could smell the tree resin, the spruce needles, fallen branches. The warm feathers of a magpie. The wood nearby. I could smell my skin, sweat. The water smelled of mud. And acorns. And the coldness travelled over my skin. Shivering. A feeling came over me that I should go, drag myself like an animal to the fire or a den. I ended up in the house. In the darkness. But the moon was shining. There were stripes of moonlight across the floor. I peered into the corner and there it was. On the mattress, lit by moonlight. A half-naked body. The stomach gleaming like a meadow. I heard breathing. Then … the chill came after me. And fear. Once again I had the urge to drag myself to a den. I got a hard-on. I felt the smoothness of skin. And warmth. Warmth. And then she opened up! I sank into her. With a cry. A yell. Then – there was gasping. The spasm passed. And I was there. In the moonlight I saw only myself. Naked. I smelled. I smelled odd. The chill returned … I passed out.’

  Geder was silent. After some time he managed one word: ‘Strange.’

  ‘That night … The wind was blowing. It was thundering. Something inside me began to decay. To rot like leaves. I was cheated. In the morning she was sitting beside me. Exhausted. Taciturn. Scared. She reached out her hand to comfort me. Then there rose inside me … as if … as if … Blood came to my mouth. Fire in my chest. I ran out and grabbed hold of a pine tree. Rain was pouring down. I raised my face to it.’

  He got up, went to the window on the other side of the bed and stared out across the valley.

  ‘Never mind that, Janek … ’

  ‘How light the sky is at the horizon!’

  ‘No one is without a wound.’

  ‘I have no wounds. I’ve burned out. What I’ve been doing the last six months is just smoke from my fireplace. The fire’s gone out.’ He turned and moved to the centre of the room. He began to beat his chest. ‘And what did that fire create? It created smoke. Smoke, which is lost in the unlit place. Up there! And down there! Nothing!’

  ‘Janek … ’

  Janek turned to the window and once more looked across the valley. ‘How light the sky is at the horizon!’ He turned around. ‘Are you superstitious, Geder?’

  ‘You know I’m not.’

  ‘Me neither. But look at that light! Full of decaying leaves.’ He sat on the other side of the bed and stared into space. ‘Autumn has always been inside me. Somewhere above my stomach. A desire to be extinguished.’

  ‘Let’s go and have a talk with the priest. I wanted to go and see him anyway.’

  ‘No, we’re staying here.’

  ‘God, there is something wrong with you.’

  Janek got up and approached Geder. ‘Hit me.’

  Geder shifted restlessly. ‘You’re really going crazy.’

  ‘Hit me!’

  ‘My boy!’

  ‘If you don’t hit me I’ll hit you.’

  ‘Why?’

  Janek punched him in the face. Geder responded instinctively and hit Janek hard on the head.

  He was immediately sorry. ‘Janek, I didn’t mean it … ’

  ‘Now, Geder, all the bonds between us are torn. We are friends no more! Never again!’

  ‘I’ll be damned if I understand you.’

  Janek grabbed the kitchen knife and thrust it towards Geder. ‘Sit down. I’ll say it again. Sit down.’

  Geder moved backwards to the chair and sat down.

  Janek waved the knife. ‘I discovered, Geder, that you are a bitch! Are you hot? If you are, take off your shirt. I won’t look at your sunken ribs. Is there anything I can get you? A glass of water, wine, schnapps, a piece of bread?’

  ‘Listen, lad … ’

  ‘Shut up!’ Janek waved the knife again. ‘Who asked you to pay my school fees?’

  ‘Your mother, who else?’

  ‘How did she repay you?’

  ‘Did my washing. Cleaned. A bit of gardening.’

  ‘And?’

  Geder was becoming increasingly confused. ‘Janek, this is getting us nowhere.’

  ‘Did she take her skirt off? Offer herself to you?’

  ‘Janek, I’ve no idea what you’re on about.’

  ‘You’re lying.’

  ‘If you believe shitty peasants … ’

  ‘She told me herself.’

  After a long silence, Geder said: ‘Stupid cow!’

  ‘Still lying?’

  ‘If she told you herself then, the devil take me, I don’t see why I should drag her from the shit.’

  ‘You’re deep in shit, too.’

  ‘I am clean!’

  ‘Like your underpants.’

  ‘Don’t accuse me, lad. Two years I paid for your education. And before that, at secondary school … ’

  ‘You’re worse than all the yokels down there! They believe in old wives’ tales, you believe in frogs!’

  ‘And you’re a gypsy! Sorry.’

  ‘Liz
ards, chickens, frogs! Is that all you can manage – frogs?’

  ‘What about you? Why did you come back? They threw you out. Because you’re not clever enough. They showed you the door!’

  ‘My home is here, in this village. I have to finish my degree here.’

  ‘The money I wasted on you! And for what? A barefoot, ragged, dishevelled shit! How much money!’

  ‘You paid for your whore.’

  Geder raised his hand. ‘Don’t talk of her like that!’

  ‘You’re defending her!’ Janek thrust the knife through the air close to Geder. ‘You defend her? I’m the only one who can, me!’ He beat his left hand against his chest. ‘I’m the only one who can defend her, because she’s mine! She was never yours! You stole her from me! You wanted everything for yourself. Because your seed is no good, you wanted everything! Chickens!’ He kicked the incubator, which broke into pieces that scattered round the room. ‘Where did you do it with her – here, on this filthy bed? On this creaking bed? Or outside, in the woods? But,’ he stopped right in front of Geder, ‘what you really want you can’t have. A child! The only children you’ll have are chickens!’

  ‘Your mother is carrying it!’ Geder stood up and went on the offensive. ‘My child.’

  Janek replied unusually calmly. ‘My mother?’

  ‘She told me yesterday.’

  ‘She told you yesterday?’

  ‘I wanted to spare you, but you gave me no choice.’

  ‘There’s no child, Geder.’

  ‘There is.’

  ‘Are you deaf, or do you not want to hear? There’s no child!’

  ‘How do you know?’ yelled Geder, close to despair.

  ‘A child would change your life, wouldn’t it? Wouldn’t it? But as an educated person – and you paid for most of my education in order to get access to the mother who brought me into this world – as an educated person I can assure you that there is no child. Because there cannot be. She had it cut out of her. When she gave birth to me, they removed her uterus because of an inflammation. So where is your child growing? In her large intestine?’