Iris patted the seat beside her excitedly. She must have been really lonely, not seeing me for so long. She seemed way friendlier than when we had said good-bye last time.
Megumin, who had climbed in behind me, shoved her face up close to Iris’s. “Hey, it is unheard of for a minion to claim the best seat! This spot behind the driver’s bench with its excellent view, I call for myself! Give it to me, or I won’t invite you to play anymore!”
“Th-that’s no fair! That has nothing to do with this, and today, I’m not a minion, I’m a princess! I’m big and important! I won’t give you this spot, and if you want it, you can fight me for it!”
I could’ve sworn they hadn’t seen each other in a long time. And I had no idea what they were talking about. Claire and Lain just put their heads in their hands as if this was par for the course.
“…Hey, Darkness, you guys haven’t been visiting Iris without telling me, have you? It seems like these two got awfully close outta nowhere.”
“N-no, nothing of the sort… What really bothers me is Megumin referring to Lady Iris as a ‘minion.’”
We stared at the girls questioningly, but in any event, they seemed to have settled their seating dispute.
“Very well, then, Iris and I shall share the spots behind the driver’s bench.”
“Yes, and you won’t beat me on the way there. Whoever loses this game has to listen to the person who wins!”
Huh?
“Uh, I thought you were fighting over who got to sit next to me. So how did this happen?”
Incidentally, the lizard-drawn carriage could seat four. The interior boasted two benches for two people each.
“I’ll sit next to Darkness. After all, what I want most is to see the scenery go by.” Aqua, eager for the view, clambered up beside our driver. That left me by myself.
Huh? This can’t be right.
What happened to my elegant, sexy trip?
As I grumbled and climbed into the carriage, Claire came up to Iris. “Lady Iris, have you forgotten anything? Do you have your handkerchief? Some pocket change in case there’s an emergency? Don’t hesitate to use any of the scrolls or magic items I gave you if you need them, okay? And if you get lonely, please, please try not to cry…”
“Claire, I’m not a little girl anymore. I’ll be fine. In fact, if you don’t let go of me, we won’t be able to get started…”
Claire was giving Iris a hug from which she didn’t seem to have any intention of releasing her; Lain finally pried her away from the princess. “Very well, Lady Iris. Try not to overexert yourself, and have a safe trip!”
“Kazuma Satou, I’m trusting you with Lady Iris! You have my permission to slice up any impertinent goon who tries to lay a finger on her! …Lady Iriiiiiiiis!”
Iris looked at the two women bidding her farewell. “I’ll see you both later!” she said with a wave.
Darkness gave a snap of the reins, and the Lizard Runners started running!
3
This quest was going to be half work, half travel—a nice, easy carriage ride.
Or so I thought…
“Waaaaaaaah, Kazuma! Kazumaaaaa!! Change seats with me! This is terrifying!”
“Whoa, aren’t we going a little fast? If we get in an accident, we’re all gonna die!”
Aqua was worse than surprised by the Lizard Runners’ speed, and I added my own shouts to the commotion. With the carriage floating on thin air, the Runners reached an almost frightening speed.
“It’s all right, Kazuma—royal lizard-drawn carriages are reinforced with powerful barriers. Even if we do get in an accident, only the driver’s bench will be crushed. Ha-ha-ha-ha, this is fantastic! These are the best Lizard Runners I’ve ever seen! Onward, you beasts! Faster, faster!”
“Stop! Please let me back in the carriage!”
Darkness seemed unusually excited, and Aqua was about to break into tears; meanwhile, Iris and Megumin were playing like children.
“Kazuma, Kazuma! Look, some manticores are doing it over there!”
“Wh-where?! I wanna see manticores!”
The girls were all but climbing over each other to look out the window. Maybe they had forgotten their game in the face of the scenery whipping by, or maybe this was the first trip like this they had taken.
“You don’t want to see manticores; you want to see animals doing it,” said Megumin. “Sheesh. We have one noblewoman trying to put the moves on Kazuma and now a perverted little royal… I really wonder if this country is going to survive.”
“The royal family isn’t perverted! Or…little. Who was this noblewoman who tried to put the moves on Elder Brother? Could it be…?”
Darkness, finding herself under the scrutiny of the two excitable children, blushed.
“Hey, uh, what happens if a monster hits us while we’re going this speed?! I’ll have you know that if a revered entity like me goes splat, this world is going to end! Darkness, are you listening to me?!”
“Stop fretting, Aqua. This carriage is equipped with monster-repelling magical items, so it would very rarely encounter a monster. Just so long as our luck isn’t exceptionally bad…”
“Kazuma, did you hear Darkness trip that flag?! Pleeeease let me into the carriage!”
I never expected a royal bodyguard mission to be so noisy. Was it going to be like this every day? For that matter, I was just noticing that we hadn’t done any actual bodyguarding.
I was really starting to worry, but then my concerns were literally blown away.
“Exterion!”
Iris shouted, and the sword she was holding produced a glowing slash.
It was exactly the sort of awesome finishing move a great hero in a manga or a game would have, and it sliced the bull-like monster in front of us clean in two.
Maybe Darkness really had tripped a flag, because we had found our path blocked by a herd of monsters. We obviously couldn’t simply plow right through them, so we stopped the carriage, assuming that all we had to do was jump out and exterminate them…
I beckoned Darkness over. “What’s going on? Why is Iris so strong? If she’s got moves like that, why are we even here?”
“Lady Iris is part of the royal family. The imperial line and some of the more prominent noble houses have gone out of their way over the ages to bring powerful heroes into their bloodlines, drastically increasing their powers. Plus, they get the best education in every field. And they have a near-limitless supply of the most XP-rich food, so they can raise their level constantly, and they fight with powerful weapons bequeathed to them by those heroes. Didn’t you know that His Majesty and the first prince are fighting on the front lines even now?”
I obviously didn’t. Anyway, if they were so strong, why didn’t the royal family just go take out the Demon King?
I’d thought it was strange that we were the only bodyguards. As I recoiled slightly at the show of strength, Iris came up to me, grinning from ear to ear and clasping her sword to her chest. “What did you think of that, Elder Brother? I really tried my hardest!”
When she looked at me, desperate for validation, pretty much everything else faded into insignificance. “That’s my little sister,” I said. “Maybe you’re not quite at my level (I’ve dealt with a lot of generals of the Demon King, after all), but strength like that definitely earns a passing grade. Let’s keep up the good work.”
“I don’t know where you get your confidence, Elder Brother, but let me handle things! I can use this sacred treasure, passed down through my family generation after generation, to sweep away any monsters that try to get their hands on us! Just watch me!”
Did this kid say “sacred treasure”…?
“Hey, tell me about that sword. It looks super expensive, and it’s, like…glowy.”
“What, this? It’s a national treasure: Something-calibur. I guess it’s a divine treasure that protects the user from all kinds of status ailments and curses? I thought the scabbard was really pretty, so I bugged Daddy unti
l he let me have it.”
The name “Something-calibur” rang a bell with me. It reminded me of something Megumin had scribbled on me when I died once.
For that matter, that sword was famous. Was there anyone in the world who didn’t know about it?
Megumin, whom I normally would have expected to be complaining about having her moment stolen by the grinning Iris, seemed in surprisingly high spirits.
“I expect no less from my minion and left hand. Anywhere we may find monsters, please continue to slice them apart just so.”
“Yes! Leave it to me!”
You’ve got that backward. “Leave it to me”? We’re supposed to be the bodyguards here!
“Hey, Megumin, what’s all this ‘minion’ and ‘left hand’ business? Have you been up to some shenanigans while my back was turned? I’ve got a bad feeling asking this, but you’ve only been exchanging letters with Iris, right?”
“Shenanigans? I resent that. Everything we are doing is upright and just. All I have done recently is work with my right hand and left hand to set up a base and extend our territory. Maybe when our organization grows large enough, we’ll even let you in, Kazuma.”
So she was playing around building some secret hideout or something with her friends. She still had this really childish side to her, even if she did know how to make my heart beat out of my chest when we were alone…
4
Day one of our trip to the neighboring country.
To be honest, I never expected Iris to be so strong.
It was getting dark, so we decided to set up camp for the night. We had just climbed out of the lizard-drawn carriage.
“You’re really something, Lady Iris. You must have worked so hard to get that strong.” Darkness sounded like an older sister complimenting her younger sibling: Iris had buried all the monsters we’d met on the way almost as soon as we saw them.
Yep. Her so-called bodyguards were nothing more than an audience. Not that I objected to a nice, easy ride on Iris’s coattails.
No, I didn’t object, but as her older brother, I hated to, y’know, see my awesomeness take such a hit…
“I seem to recall you helped me train once, Lalatina. I hope you can see how strong it made me. I give you my thanks, Lalatina.”
“Heh-heh! Think nothing of it, Princess.”
Iris sounded almost shy; Darkness smiled to receive her ruler’s praise.
……
“Didn’t you tell me once that House Dustiness was charged with protecting the royal family? But you didn’t protect anyone today. You got protected the whole time.”
“?!” Darkness froze at my casual invective. “I d-don’t know what you’re talking about. I thought nice, easy monsters like the ones we saw today would be excellent combat practice for Lady Iris…!”
She couldn’t hide the tremor in her voice, but Iris was quick to interject. “Elder Brother, Lalatina is the royal family’s protector in emergencies. She is our nation’s armor and shield. There was no need to bother Lalatina with such trivial opponents. If I was ever truly in need, I’m sure she would jump to my aid!”
“L-Lady Iris…!” Darkness clung to the little girl, deeply moved; Iris patted her head to comfort her. A moment ago, Darkness had looked like Iris’s proud older sister, but now it was impossible to say who was older and who was younger.
One thing was for sure: Darkness was just as much of a handful as ever. The rest of us ignored her and started setting up camp.
When I thought about it, I realized this was the first serious camping we had ever done. We didn’t normally get too far from home. I had missed my chance to strut my stuff as a bodyguard, so I would really have to kill the whole setting-up-a-tent thing to get my clout as Big Bro back.
While I was getting fired up for camping, Darkness, who seemed to have gotten herself back under control, pulled out some sort of magical item–looking thing.
“I’ll prepare our lodgings, Lady Iris, so please step back.”
With that, she tossed a square object into the closest clearing. It sparkled and instantaneously expanded into a small but obviously noble mansion.
“…Okay, what?”
“What do you mean, ‘what’? Surely you don’t imagine the princess of a major country would sleep in the dirt? This is one of the most valuable magical items the country possesses, thoroughly fortified against monsters, highly portable…”
“Just forget about all that already! Seriously, why the hell are we even here?!”
I might have been angry enough to interrupt Darkness’s explanation of her little toy, but there was no question that the mansion was nicer than sleeping in a tent. It even had a garage attached for the carriage. We went inside, stashed our bags, and then got down to the business of relaxing.
My one little act of defiance was to insist that I do the cooking using my skill. The rest of the crew was searching through the house, deciding which rooms they wanted.
I figured, Iris being a princess, she might be getting tired of sumptuous banquets every day. I would make her something she wouldn’t normally get to eat.
I took stock of the kitchen, including the available ingredients. There was no way sewers or running water existed in the middle of the wilderness like this, yet when I turned on the faucet, water came happily burbling out. Frankly, it was enough to kind of tick me off.
A voice came from behind me. “Elder Brother, could I help you in any way?”
I turned around to see Iris poking her head around the door of the kitchen.
“Can’t ask a princess to help in the kitchen, can I? You just sit back and watch what I can do.”
“A princess can at least help a little! They never let me help cook at the castle, no matter how many times I ask. Leave it to the servants, they say…”
She looked so downcast. I felt a little guilty.
Of course they wouldn’t let a sheltered child like her do any cooking.
…Okay.
“All righty, then, maybe you can help a little. But cooking isn’t as easy as it looks, okay? Be sure to do what I say and be careful not to get hurt.”
“Sure thing, Elder Brother!”
I almost went weak in the knees when I saw how her face lit up. I looked through the magical refrigerator to find some ingredients she could prep easily. I needed a recipe she wouldn’t be familiar with but that was simple enough for me to handle.
“Okay then, we’re gonna do fried rice and pot stickers.”
“Right! Um…fryed rise and pot sticklers? What kind of food is that?”
I grabbed a cabbage out of the refrigerator. “Fried rice is fried rice. They say there isn’t a person alive who doesn’t love fried rice, even if sheltered girls like you and Darkness might not know about it.”
“Is it really that popular? I’m sorry to say I really don’t know about it. Please enlighten me!”
Basking in Iris’s reverent gaze, I felt myself starting to grin a little as I slapped the cabbage down on a cutting board. “First, we make the filling for the pot stickers! That means cabbage, chives, ground meat… Eeeyikes!”
“Oh no, the cabbage!”
The cabbage on the cutting board had only been playing dead. The moment I tried to bring my knife down on it, it flew away and darted out the open window. I’d left the window open to vent any smoke, but it had come back to bite me.
“…So you see, Iris, keeping your guard up while cooking is a matter of life and death. Just keep that in mind.”
“Elder Brother, I may not know much, but even I know you have to make sure to check whether the food’s still alive!”
That night.
“Kazuma, what have you served us? I’ve never seen this before.” Darkness was intrigued by the stuff on the table.
After the incident with the first head of cabbage, and an epic struggle with a second, and Iris being viciously ambushed by the onions we were going to put into the fried rice, and a few other little hiccups besides, we successfully prep
ared fried rice and pot stickers, along with some egg soup.
“Lalatina, this is called fried rice. It is said there isn’t a person alive who doesn’t love it,” Iris informed her. “I helped prepare it myself!”
“You did?! Well, what a hard worker. I can’t wait to try it.”
Darkness smiled broadly to see Iris so proud of her work. I tried a quick bite, too, and was pleased with what we had made. Iris and Darkness, though, were reflecting on the food with genuine seriousness.
“Lalatina, I can see why this dish is so popular. All one does to make this ‘fried rice’ is cook it over a fire, yet the flavor is so complex.”
“There are no expensive ingredients in this, are there? I can’t imagine why something so delicious never became popular among the noble families…”
Uh, probably because if you served pot stickers and fried rice at some fancy imperial banquet, someone would flip a table over?
The two guileless girls savored this most common of meals and turned admiring eyes on me. Meanwhile, I could feel Aqua and Megumin watching me with distinctly less respectful looks.
“Say, Kazuma, let me cook tomorrow night. I’ll make something super-delicious for you.”
“Well then, the day after tomorrow shall be my turn to cook. I shall serve a dish widely beloved in Crimson Magic Village.”
With Megumin, it was one thing, but Aqua normally hated to cook. Huh. Well, there was plenty of trip left. I was grateful for the help.
“Hey, Kazuma, this ‘potato chip’ dessert of yours is divine.”
“Yes, I can’t stop eating them!”
As I watched the two girls enjoy the post-meal junk food, my thoughts turned to the journey ahead.
5
“Come on, Elder Brother—hurry up! Let’s do more cooking!”
It was the next evening. Iris had once again kicked the butts of every monster that got in our way. The only thing of any note that happened was when her performance spurred Megumin to compete by letting off an explosion.
Gamble Scramble! Page 4