Gamble Scramble!

by Natsume Akatsuki

  “Wha—?” As I took the hand holding the bottle, Darkness made a sound like she knew I’d seen through her. But when she registered that I was trying to take the drink from her, she said, “N-no, no-no-no. It’s okay, Kazuma—your kind words are all I need. And I came here to take care of you tonight. It would be pathetic if I let you do all the work. Here, just let go of that bottle and pick up your glass. I’ll get you a drink in no time.”

  Her voice was calm, but she was struggling to keep me from getting the wine. Judging by her reaction, it was clear now that the drug was already in the glasses.

  “Uh-uh, no way. I can’t have a distinguished noble like you pouring wine for me. You’ve got to rest sometimes, young lady, or otherwise— We’re going to the castle as bodyguards tomorrow, right? You’ll make some awful mistake; I’m sure of it. I can hardly go around acting all informal with you in public!”

  Resisting me even more firmly, Darkness finally showed her hand. “Oh, come on—let go! You’ve never spared one ounce of concern for my well-being. Don’t act all deferential now! Hell, you called me ‘useless’ just on the way here! Practically every day, you say I’m a worthless woman who can’t come through when it counts, but I’ll have you know that Crusaders focus on defense, so of course we don’t do anything flashy!”

  “You let go! I know you didn’t have any intention of ‘taking care’ of me at all tonight, but if you insist on pretending, then I’d be a lot happier with your body than with some wine! There’s something funny in this glass; I just know it! If there isn’t, then drink from it yourself!”

  Neither of us would give in, and it descended into a childish argument.

  “Hrk, there’s nothing f-funny in there! I swear there isn’t, but I’m not going to drink from it. This wine is my special gift to you! I see, so you want my body more than some wine, eh? Fine, if you’re so sure, then it’s all yours! Get on the bed!”

  “Ooh, lashing out at me just so you don’t have to admit you were trying to drug me. Real nice! Fine, if you’re so sure, then I’ll let you take care of me!”

  Darkness and I, now that we’d both thrown down the gauntlet, and in a state of high tension, moved over to the bed. I knew that for all her filthy talk, this broad always chickened out when it came down to it. I tore off my shirt and lay spread-eagle on the bed.

  “Well, c’mon!”

  “D-damn you!”

  Darkness looked away, unsure what to do with her eyes now that I was lying there shirtless.

  “Ooh, what’s the matter? I knew you were all talk, ‘young lady’! I figured as much. You always call me incompetent and lazy and whatever else, but you’re the one who gets all embarrassed with one little kiss on the cheek!”

  “Now you’re in for it! Do you think I’m going to just sit here and let some commoner treat me like this? I always make good on my promises, so here comes your TLC!”

  Almost before she was done talking, Darkness charged at me. But then she didn’t seem to know what to do with me lying there.

  “Hey, you better not tell me that you had some dumb massage in mind or something! You know what I’m talking about—you and that filthy mind!”

  “D-don’t you say I have a filthy mind! I’m Lalatina Ford Dustiness. Whatever disadvantage I may be at, I will never run aw—!”

  Bam! The door flew open. Megumin was standing there, her eyes flaring red.

  “You two have been screaming and shouting for ages now; people are trying to sleep! What in the world are you doing in here?!”

  I looked to Megumin for help from my prone position, hoping she would think Darkness had shoved me over. “Help me, Megumin! She’s trying to jump me!”

  “D-damn you—!”

  5

  “I can’t fathom what you are thinking, Darkness. I will not say you should abandon all desire, but Iris is staying with us here, remember? At least save these antics for after we get home.”

  “No, Megumin, it’s not like that! I can explain!”

  After Megumin came bursting into our room, I had tattled on Darkness to save myself.

  “What do you mean, ‘it’s not like that’? You tried to drug me. There’s a sleeping potion or something in that glass, right? No? Then take a sip of that wine out of the glass you brought. I know you must have been planning to have your way with me after you drugged me to sleep. You’ve got a record.”

  “N-n-n-n-no, I wasn’t going to—! I swear there’s a good reason…”

  With the incontrovertible evidence sitting right there, Darkness was going to have trouble getting out of this one. And there was one more bit of proof.

  “How can you keep saying that when you’re dressed in such a lewd outfit? You’re one light breeze away from a wardrobe malfunction! So nothing you say will convince me! Come on—own up!”

  That’s right. The unusually salacious negligee she was wearing had come back to haunt her. Megumin wasn’t the only one who wanted to know what she had been thinking to dress like that; I wanted to find out, too.

  “This dress! …Ugh… I—I was planning to drug Kazuma to sleep so he couldn’t do anything unpleasant during tomorrow’s meeting, but I ended up feeling a little bad making him miss out on a country full of entertainment…”

  “I see, and so you dressed like that so he could at least enjoy himself a bit before he blacked out. And no doubt you were hoping a little something might come of it, as well…! Argh, what a reprehensible noblewoman you are!”

  Megumin had drawn her line in the sand, and Darkness finally looked resigned. “No, I…! Oh… Urgh… I won’t deny it anymore. I am a terrible noble…”

  “You truly are. If your dear father back in Axel heard you were up to such doings, what would he say? Hff, hff… Come now—speak clearly!”

  Megumin was really laying into Darkness. Sometimes I wondered if she actually had a bit of a bully streak…

  Still lacking my shirt, I sat cross-legged in front of Darkness and savored the moment as she was forced to sit formally on the bed. “Gosh, I can’t believe you. I’m not so stupid that I would do anything that isn’t for Iris’s benefit, okay? I’m not going to suddenly attack her fiancé or whatever, so relax. I just hate to see someone married off when they don’t want to be. When you were about to be forced into tying the knot with that lord, I rescued you, right?”

  “………”

  Maybe Darkness was thinking about the time I had come to help her, because her ears flushed a little.

  “If this is really what Iris wants, then I have no intention of getting in the way. What I don’t want is for someone to force themselves into a match they aren’t interested in, just to sacrifice themselves. Especially not when it’s someone I know. It kind of bugs me to see a female friend of mine go to another guy, even if she isn’t someone I want to date or whatever.”

  “That’s quite a pronouncement, coming from the man who abandoned us to three strangers this very afternoon.”

  “She’s right. I’d love to see what’s going on in that dense head of yours.”

  “That was because I trusted you. You girls aren’t so easy that you’d go running off with some random guys who picked you up on the street, are you?”

  The faces of Megumin and Darkness flashed with conflicted emotions, and they looked at each other uncomfortably.

  “This man can be quite beyond the pale at times. What a thing to say, when he does whatever he feels like.”

  “Absolutely. For someone who looks like he’d run off with any pretty thing on two legs, he’s got a lot of nerve…”

  Geez, sounds like they don’t trust me at all.

  Though to be fair, while I was off on my own that afternoon, I did check to see if there were any good, shady shops like a branch of the succubus-service palace.

  Darkness got to her feet with a touch of exasperation. “Fine. I won’t say another word. I guess I don’t really have the right, seeing as I’ve turned down matches myself so often. If anything happens, I’ll take responsi
bility, so you do whatever you want. My house and I will back you up.”

  “I like the sound of that. Hey, that lady Claire said the same thing. With two big noble houses behind me, I can cut loose a little.”

  When I showed her the signet pendant, Darkness exclaimed in surprise, “Lady Claire entrusted something like that to someone like you?! Do you even know what that is?!”

  “No clue, but judging by your reaction, at least I can guess that white-suited lady trusts me more than you do.”

  Maybe Darkness was chagrined to hear that, considering she had known me so much longer than Claire had, because she took a similar pendant from around her neck…

  “Kazuma, because I do trust you, I’m g…ugh, uuugh…g-giving you this…”

  “Aw, what? If you’re gonna give it to me, then skip the drama and hand it over! C’mon—leggo!” She didn’t actually hold the pendant out to me, so I pried it from her hand and put it around my own neck. “Anyway, leave tomorrow to me. The main thing is to keep these goons happy enough that the defense money continues to flow, right? I won’t mess that up. You know I wouldn’t do anything to make Iris unhappy, don’t you?”

  “I see… Yes, of course. I understand. I’ll let you handle everything. Take care of Lady Iris for us! And if everything goes smoothly…” Darkness looked at me with genuine relief. “This time, I won’t just give you some kiddie kiss on the cheek. I’ll make sure it’s more adult…”

  She trailed off so much at the end that I could barely hear her, but thanks to my lip-reading ability, I knew exactly what she had said.

  And believe me, I would hold her to it.

  6

  “Hoo-wee. That is one expensive-looking building. Darkness, I think their capital has our capital beat, at least on economy and castle size.”

  The next morning.

  When we arrived at Elroad’s castle, we were floored by how large and elaborate it was.

  “I shall not stand for this. I wonder how it would hold up if hit with explosion magic. The mere thought makes me want to recite my incantation.”

  “…Right, Megumin, we’ll take things from here, so you just head back to the inn.” Darkness was quick to rein in the jabbering Megumin.

  “Hey, hey, imagine how surprised everyone would be if I showed off my trick. I could change the symbol on that flag up at the tippy top there to an Axis Church one.”

  “Aqua, Aqua. Listen, when we get back to Axel, I’ll have the Dustiness family make a big donation to the Axis Church if you just behave yourself today.” Darkness looked like she might burst into tears trying to restrain Aqua, who was gazing up at the top of the castle.

  Sheesh. Every member of this party was a problem child, and she had focused all her attention on me. “All riiiight, time to put this punk to the test. I wonder how long he’ll last.”

  “What happened to everything you said last night?! If you’re going to be making up harebrained schemes, then give me back my pendant— Huh?!”

  Darkness made a swipe for the pendant around my neck, but I dodged her and nimbly hid it away.

  “Wh-where are you putting my family’s pendant?” she demanded. “That thing is like a treasure to us…!”

  I guess she didn’t like where I had hidden the pendant, because Darkness was on the attack. “Hey, keep it down. Where do you think we are? We may be bodyguards, but we’re representing our country, too. Show a little respect,” I told her.

  “You’re telling me about respect? Ugh, please, please behave yourself…!”

  Iris, watching us yell at each other, giggled. “This will be the first time I’ll be meeting my prince, but I’m not nervous, since I’ve got all of you here. Thank you so much.”

  “See? Iris is cool as a cucumber. So why’s her adviser the noisiest one in the room?”

  “Whyyy, y-y-youuu…! And just whose fault is it that I’m so upset…?!”

  It had been twenty or thirty minutes since we’d been told to stop and wait in front of the castle, where the owner himself, the prince, would come out to meet us. We were teasing Darkness partly because we were tired of waiting, but at that moment…

  “Geez, that’s a bunch of Belzerg bumpkins for you… Yapping and shouting right in front of a castle. Learn how to act, for crying out loud.”

  …there came the distinctly crackly voice of an adolescent boy. The kid looked to be about Iris’s age. He was surprisingly tall for how young he was—almost as tall as I was. He had red hair and was surrounded by a huge entourage of advisers and supporters, as if trying to show off how powerful he was. The tiny crown resting on his head clued me in that this was Iris’s fiancé.

  “Do you see that, Darkness? Your inability to be calm and mature has gotten us scolded.”

  “My goodness, Darkness. We’re dealing with royalty, remember? This is no place for your yelling.”

  “Grrrrr…!”

  Megumin and Aqua gave Darkness a taste of her own medicine, and she lowered her head and flushed with embarrassment.

  “Um…” Until that moment, Iris had stayed behind Darkness, but now she emerged in front of her senseless, indecorous companion. “Would you be Lord Levy, the first prince of Elroad? I am the first princess of Belzerg, Iris. I’ve come to this country to parley with you. It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.”

  She smiled with complete, sincere innocence, speaking in a pleasant voice that was neither too loud nor too soft. She executed a perfect bow, practically oozing elegance and loveliness. Standing there proudly as if to cover for Darkness, there was no hint of the timid, retiring girl I’d seen at our first meeting—just the rightful princess of an entire nation.

  “L-Lady Iris…!” Darkness said, clearly moved to see her ruler, the girl she had thought of almost like a little sister, show such brilliance. I knew I wasn’t one to talk, but it seemed like Claire and Darkness were both pretty overprotective of Iris.

  “So you’re my betrothed, eh? I thought Belzerg’s royal girls were supposed to be able to kick as much butt as their boys, but you don’t look so tough. I was picturing someone stronger, someone more awesome. Boo.”

  “Wha—? Oh, I… Pardon me…”

  Hmm?

  “And what’s this? Four bodyguards? Can’t Belzerg afford more than that? I’m sure you’re all real strong or whatever, but you need to learn how to save some money!”

  Then Prince Levy gave a nasty chuckle, causing his small entourage to laugh approvingly.

  Ugh, what a little snot. I couldn’t believe this was how he chose to make a first impression. Prince? He was just a dumb kid. I didn’t think much of his retainers, either. Heck, what had happened to our countries being friends or allies or whatever? They sure didn’t act like it.

  …Then Prince Levy’s interest seemed to turn from Iris to those of us standing with her. The people behind him did the same, turning their condescending gazes from Iris to us. When they saw Aqua and Megumin, several pairs of eyes went wide with surprise.

  Levy, though, didn’t notice; he went right on mocking us. “And those bodyguards, don’t get me started. All so young, and not a decent piece of equipment on them. I can’t believe you survived the trip.”

  This time, there was no chorus of laughter to back him up. Surprised, the prince turned around.

  “I believe I shall take you up on that challenge,” Megumin said, stepping forward with her crimson eyes flashing.

  7

  Maybe this kid thought he was being diplomatic. I didn’t get his logic, but the prince obviously intended to bait us, to try to get a rise out of us. But there was one thing he hadn’t counted on…

  “Please don’t! Prince Levy knows but little of your nation and was unaware of the existence of the Crimson Magic Clan! Despite his provocations, he wasn’t seriously challenging you…!”

  “My prince, please take a close look at our visitors! That is a member of the Crimson Magic Clan, a group so dangerous that even the Demon King fears them. They are not known for their sense of h
umor, so please be careful not to say anything careless to her!”

  “Y-yeah, okay, I’m sorry! It was my bad! Just please stop chanting your spell!”

  At the desperate urging of his retainers, the prince, looking spooked, apologized to Megumin.

  “I will overlook your behavior this one time, but next time I shall not be so forgiving, eh? My name is Megumin. Master of Explosion and slayer of many generals of the Demon King. You had best not raise my ire.”

  “We understand that very well now, Lady Megumin. Rest assured. We will see to it that no such offense be committed in the future!” One of the retainers was apologizing profusely, but the prince himself still looked a bit peeved.

  Beside me, Darkness was rubbing her temples with both hands, looking close to tears.

  “I don’t really get it, but at least I’m glad you know how to apologize. When I heard you say we bodyguards didn’t look like much, I had half a mind to smite you with a holy boom, but I’ll forgive you, too, this time.”

  Just when it looked like we could let the whole matter slide, Aqua had to butt in with her usual brand of stupidity. The prince looked at her, annoyed. “You, a priest, dare speak that way to me, a—?”

  “Prince! My prince! This is a follower of the Axis Church. And the blue color of her hair suggests she is quite devout! Followers of this church are more dangerous than a Leisure Girl, harder to shake off than the undead!” One of the prince’s retainers whispered a very well-warranted warning just as the boy was about to switch his target to Aqua.

  “Excuse me, but I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t talk about the Axis Church like we are friends with Leisure Girls and undead! Apologize for talking about my sweet lambs as if they are monsters!”

  Aqua was a monster, all right—a monster complainer. The prince, thoroughly cowed, turned a nervous look on Darkness and me. The whispering with his attendant continued.