Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers, Vol. 1
Page 9
mashed potatoesand a much overdone chop of microscopical proportions with aremarkably long and slender rib attached. This the waiter set downbefore him and then hurried away.
"See here," called Herford, "I ordered a chop."
"Yessir," replied the man, "there it is."
"Ah, so it is," replied Herford, peering at it closely. "I thought itwas a crack in the plate."
* * * * *
In one of the elevators of a city skyscraper, as the elevator shottoward the zenith, a stout man began to sputter. "Bub-but,rt-st-st-b'r'r'r," he said, as the veins stood out upon his neck. Atthe twenty-third story the stout man's eyes were nearly starting fromhis head, and as he grasped the arm of the elevator man the latternervously pulled the lever, and the lift started for the bottom at aterrific rate. The solitary passenger danced about, gurglingspasmodically. As the car struck bottom, however, he rushed throughthe door and up to an important individual, whose cap bore the screed"Starter." "S-s-s-say," he sputtered, "t-t-this is the th-th-thirdtrip I-I-I've t-t-taken in the elevator, 'n' I-I-I-I w-w-wanterg-g-g-get off at the sev-sev-seventh fl-fl-fl-floor. Before I-I-Ic-c-c-can say sev-sev-seven I-I-I-I'm up to the t-t-top, 'n'be-be-before I-I-I can cat-cat-catch my br-br-breath I-I-I'm downh-h-here again, 'n' I-I-I-I'm in a de-de-vil of a hurry."
* * * * *
Nervous player (deprecatingly playing card)--"I really don't know whatto play. I'm afraid I've made a fool of myself."
Partner (reassuringly)--"That all right. I don't see what else youcould have done!"
* * * * *
Some of Darwin's boy friends once plotted a surprise for thenaturalist. They slew a centipede, glued on it a beetle's head, andalso added to its body the wings of a butterfly and the long legs of agrasshopper. Then they put the new insect in a box and knocked at thegreat man's door. "We found this in the fields," they cried with eagervoices. "Do tell us what it can be." Darwin looked at the strangecompound and then at the boys' innocent faces. "Did it hum when youcaught it?" he asked. "Oh yes, sir," they answered quickly, nudgingone another, "it hummed like anything." "Then," said the philosopher,"it is a humbug."
* * * * *
A man had been sent by the house-agents to take an inventory of thedrawing-room furniture. He was so long about his task that at last themistress of the house went to see what was taking place. She found theman slumbering sweetly on the sofa with an empty bottle beside him;it was evident, however, that he had made a pathetic though solitaryattempt to do his work, for in the inventory book was written, "Onerevolving carpet."
* * * * *
The customs of military service require officers to visit the kitchensduring cooking hours to see that the soldiers' food is properlyprepared. One old colonel, who let it be pretty generally known thathis orders must be obeyed without question or explanation, oncestopped two soldiers who were carrying a soup-kettle out of a kitchen.
"Here, you," he growled, "give me a taste of that."
One of the soldiers ran and fetched a ladle and gave the colonel thedesired taste. The colonel spat and spluttered.
"Good heavens, man! You don't call that stuff soup, do you?"
"No, sir," replied the soldier meekly, "it's dishwater we wasemptyin', sir."
* * * * *
The ship upon clearing the harbor ran into a half-pitching,half-rolling sea, that became particularly noticeable about the timethe twenty-five passengers at the captain's table sat down to dinner.
"I hope that all twenty-five of you will have a pleasant trip," thecaptain told them as the soup appeared, "and that this littleassemblage of twenty-four will reach port much benefited by thevoyage. I look upon these twenty-two smiling faces much as a fatherdoes upon his family, for I am responsible for the safety of thisgroup of seventeen. I hope that all thirteen of you will join me laterin drinking to a merry trip. I believe that we seven fellow passengersare most congenial and I applaud the judgment which chose from thepassenger list these three persons for my table. You and I, my dear,sir, are--Here, steward! Bring on the fish and clear away thesedishes."
* * * * *
"Extra Billy" Smith, the Confederate General, was one of the mostirascible as well as one of the most patriotic of men. Upon oneoccasion he was leading a regiment on a long and difficult march.Weary and exhausted they halted for a rest by the wayside. When itbecame necessary to move on, the General gave the order, but the tiredmen remained stretched upon the ground. The order was repeatedperemptorily. Still no motion. By this time the temper of the Generalwas at white heat. He thundered out:
"If you don't get up and start at once I'll march the regiment off andleave every d----d one of you behind."
They started.
* * * * *
A Boston lawyer, who brought his wit from his native Dublin, whilecross-examining the plaintiff in a divorce trial, brought forth thefollowing:
"You wish to divorce this woman because she drinks?"
"Yes, sir."
"Do you drink yourself?"
"That's _my_ business!"--angrily.
Whereupon the unmoved lawyer asked:
"Have you any other business?"
* * * * *
One rainy afternoon Aunt Sue was explaining the meaning of variouswords to her young nephew. "Now, an heirloom, my dear, means somethingthat has been handed down from father to son," she said.
"Well," replied the boy thoughtfully, "that's a queer name for mypants."
* * * * *
"The easiest money that I ever made," said a shipping man the otherday, "was handed to me in New York not long ago. I was visiting thereand had a little time to myself, so I bought a paper and went down tothe river front. I saw an advertisement in the paper saying that a tugwas to be auctioned off that day, so I went to the place and stoodaround examining the tug. After a while a man who had been watching mecame over and began asking questions. I told him I was interested inboats and was from Philadelphia. Then he asked: 'What are you doingdown here?' 'I came down to this auction sale,' I said. 'Well,' saidthe man, 'if you want to keep on the right side of the boys you'll dosomething for me. Here's $100; do not bid on the tug.' I took themoney and departed. I had not the slightest intention of bidding."
* * * * *
A bride and groom had been much troubled by the stares of people athotels wherever they went. So when they arrived at the next hotel thegroom called the colored head-waiter.
"Now, George," he said, "we have been bothered to death by peoplestaring at us because we are just married. We want to be free fromthat sort of thing here. Now, here's two dollars, and remember I trustyou not to tell people that we are just married, if they ask you.Understand?"
"Yas, sah!" said George; "I un'stand."
All went well that day. But the following morning when the couple camedown to breakfast the staring was worse than ever. Chambermaids in thehall snickered; the clerks behind the desk nudged each other;everybody in the dining-room stared. When the couple returned to theirroom it was only to see a head sticking out of nearly every room downthe long hall.
This was too much.
This _was_ the limit!
Angered beyond control, the groom went to the desk and called for thehead-waiter.
"Look here, you old fool," said the groom, "didn't I give you twodollars to protect my wife and myself from the staring business?"
"Yas, sah, you did," said George. "'Pon me soul, I didn't tell, sah."
"Then how about this staring?" asked the irate groom. "It's worse herethan anywhere. Did anybody ask if we were married?"
"Yas, sah; several folks did," replied George.
"Well, what did you tell them?"
"I tole 'em, sah," replied the honest negro, "you wuzn't married atall."
* * *
* *
A witty priest was once visiting a "self-made" millionaire, who tookhim to see his seldom-used library.
"There," said the millionaire, pointing to a table covered with books,"there are my best friends."
"Ah," replied the wit, as he glanced at the leaves, "I'm glad youdon't cut them!"
* * * * *
Mrs. Maloney was before the Judge, charged with assault on PolicemanCasey. She had been