Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers, Vol. 1

by Lucretia P. Hale

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  A young American lady on a visit to London was being shown some of thesights by a boastful Englishman. "This is a cannon captured at BunkerHill," said the Englishman. "How interesting," exclaimed the lady. "Imust explain," said the gentleman tauntingly, "that this cannon wascaptured from the Americans by the English." The lady quietlyretorted, "Well, you have the cannon; we have the hill."

  * * * * *

  Former Congressman Fred Landis of Indiana has made a reputation forhimself as an orator. A year or so ago Landis, speaking at theunveiling of a monument to President Lincoln, uttered the phrase,"Abraham Lincoln--that mystic mingling of star and clod." This wasloudly applauded. After the speech a friend of Landis approached him,and, repeating the phrase, said: "Fred, what in the name of heavendoes that mean?" Putting his arm around his friend's shoulder, Landisreplied: "I don't know, really, but it gets 'em every time."

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  Captain Foretopp tells a story of a certain noted divine who was onhis steamer when a great gale overtook them off the Oregon coast. "Itlooks pretty bad," said the Bishop to the Captain. "Couldn't be muchworse, Bishop," replied Foretopp.

  Half an hour later the steamer was diving under the waves as if shewere a submarine and leaking like an old door. "Looks worse, I think,Captain," said the Bishop. "We must trust in Providence now, Bishop,"answered Foretopp.

  "Oh, I hope it has not come to that," gasped the Bishop.

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  A couple of New Yorkers were playing golf on a New Jersey course onElection Day when they saw a fine-appearing old gentleman looking atthem wistfully. They asked him to join the game, which he did withalacrity. He was mild in speech and manner and played well. But oncewhen he had made a foozle he ejaculated vehemently the word: "Croton!"A few minutes later when he made another bad play, he repeated:"Croton!" The third time he said it, one of his new-made friends said:"I don't want to be inquisitive, but will you tell me why you say'Croton' so often?" "Well," said the old gentleman, "isn't that thebiggest dam near New York?" He was a Presbyterian clergyman fromBrooklyn.

  * * * * *

  Willie, aged five, was taken by his father to his first football game.The feature that caught his chief approval, however, did not becomeevident until he said his prayers that night. To the horror of hisparents Willie prayed with true football snap:

  "God bless papa, God bless mama, God bless Willie; Rah! Rah! Rah!"

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  A suburban minister during his discourse one Sabbath morning said: "Ineach blade of grass there is a sermon." The following day one of hisflock discovered the good man pushing a lawn mower about his gardenand paused to say: "Well, parson, I'm glad to see you engaged incutting your sermons short."

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  "Now, Bobby," instructed the Fond Maternal Parent of the prodigy invelveteens, bound for a children's party, "the weather looks ratherthreatening. Here is half a dollar for you, and if it rains come backby cab."

  Two hours later it came down cats and dogs, and F. M. P. (FondMaternal Parent) returned devout thanks for her forethought.

  But when little Bobby Velveteens returned he was wet to the skin.

  "Why, Bobby," cried the F. M. P., "didn't you come back by cab, as Itold you?"

  "Oh, yes, ma!" answered Bobby. "And it was simply splendid! I rode onthe box beside the driver!"

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  A Bishop of the Episcopal Church lived all his life unwed. A friendmentioned that one of the States was imposing a tax on bachelors, tobe increased a certain percentage every ten years of bachelorhood, andadded: "Why, Bishop, at your age you would have to pay a hundreddollars a year."

  "Well," said the Bishop quietly, "it's worth it."

  * * * * *

  Two old women, on their way home from church, in a country district ofScotland, were speaking of Napoleon's overthrow, by the allied troopsat Waterloo. The minister had been pointing a moral by aid of theCorsican hero's defeat.

  "Hoo is it," said one, in her narrow way, "the Scotch aye win theirbattles?"

  "Weel, ye ken, it's because they aye pray afore they go in the fecht,"replied the other.

  "Ay! But mercy, wuman, canna the French pray, as weel?"

  "Nae doobt, they dae; but wha could understan' they jabberin' bodies?"snapped the interrogated one, in peremptory answer.

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  Curiously worded advertisements that are funny without intent arecommon in the London papers. Here are a few examples:

  "A boy wanted who can open oysters with references."

  "Bulldog for sale; will eat anything, very fond of children."

  "Wanted an organist and a boy to blow the same."

  "Wanted, a boy to be partly outside and partly inside the counter."

  "Lost, near Highgate Archway, an umbrella belonging to a gentlemanwith a bent rib and a bone handle."

  "To be disposed of, a mail phaeton, the property of a gentleman with amovable headpiece as good as new."

  * * * * *

  A tall young man stalked with stately stride into the office of asmall hotel in a remote part of the White Mountains. Behind him came asevere valet carrying bags and a gun-case, and on a wagon at the doorwere two prosperous trunks. In an armchair behind the hotel countersat a spare old man placidly chewing tobacco and reading the "WeeklyRecorder."

  "Ah-h-h! Hm!" the tall young man began. "Is this Mr. Silas P. Meacham,proprietor of this hotel?"

  "Yaas," replied the old one, glancing up over his paper.

  "I am Mr. Hanningford Wattster van Derventer, of the Metropolis Club,of New York," said the visitor, impressively. "My friend, Mr.Vandergilt, told me you would take excellent care of me here."

  "Ya-as," replied Silas, still buried in his paper.

  "_I_ am Mr. Hanningford Wattster van Derventer, of New York," thevisitor repeated. "My friend, Mr. Vandergilt, told me you would takeexcellent care of me here."

  "Ya-a-as," said Silas, still chewing and reading his paper.

  "_I_ am Mr. Hanningford Wattster van Derventer, of New York," theyoung man reiterated with the air of one who tells great news, alsowith rising indignation. "My friend, Mr. _Vandergilt_, told me youwould take excellent care of me--show me every attention."

  "Wa-al," exclaimed Silas P. Meacham, throwing down the paper andrevealing his few yellow teeth in a mocking grin--"wa-al, what d'yewant me t' do--kiss ye?"

  * * * * *

  Court--(to prosecutor)--"Then you recognize this handkerchief as theone which was stolen?"

  Prosecutor--"Yes, your honor."

  Court--"And yet it isn't the only handkerchief of the sort in theworld. See, this one I have in my pocket is exactly like it."

  Prosecutor--"Very likely, your honor; there were two stolen."

  * * * * *

  The company of soldiers had been receiving a lesson in minor tactics,and among other subjects was the method of patrols in gettinginformation. The book said that information could be obtained from"mayors, postmasters, livery-stable keepers, doctors, peasants, etc."

  The lieutenant turned to Finnegan and said: "Do you know what apeasant is, Finnegan?"

  He answered promptly, "Yes, sor."

  "Well, what is it?"

  "It's a bird, sor," said Finnegan with evident pride.

  * * * * *

  Senator Pettus, of Alabama, was writing with a noisy, spluttering pen.Laying it down, he smiled and said: "Once I was spending the eveningwith a friend of mine in Selma. We sat in the dining-room and fromthe kitchen came a dreadful scratching sound. 'Martha,' said my friendto the maid, 'what is that scratching? it must be the dog trying toget in.' 'Huh!' said Martha, 'Dat ain' no dog, dat's cook writin' alove-letter to heh honeys
uckle.'"

  * * * * *

  "No smoking in this coach, sir," said the conductor of a passengertrain. "I'm not smokin'," answered the passenger with an injured airfrom the depths of his seat.

  "You've got your pipe in your mouth," declared the conductor withemphasis, sharply confident. "I hov," retorted the Hibernian, "and Ihov me fut in me shoe, too, but I'm not walkin'."

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