Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers, Vol. 1
Page 27
haveoccasion to refer to--more or less--in this connection, together withthe best wishes, if I may so express myself, of those who have clubbedtogether--who have associated themselves--not that you need anythingof the kind, of course, but as a token of--as a token of--of--withwhich few remarks, Miss Higham, it is my--my pleasant surprise to handyou this gold watch and chain. I--I thank you."
* * * * *
The reputed affinity between the Southern negro and unguarded poultryis the subject of a story told by Senator Bacon, of Georgia. An oldcolored man, notorious for his evil ways, after attending a revivalmeeting, desired to lead a better life. At a later meeting he wascalled up to be questioned.
"Well, Rastus," said the revivalist, "I hope you are now trying tolive a Christian life in accordance with the rules of the Church. Haveyou been stealing any chickens lately?"
"No, sah! I ain't stole no chicken ob late."
"Any turkeys or pigs?"
Rastus, grieved, replied: "No, sah!"
"I am very glad to hear that you have been doing better lately,"replied the evangelist. "Continue to lead a holy and Christian life,Rastus."
After the meeting was over, Rastus drew a long breath of relief, andturning to his wife exclaimed:
"Mandy, if he'd said ducks I'd been a lost nigger, suah!"
* * * * *
The late Moses Coit Tyler, so long Professor of History in Cornell,was at one time a popular professor in the University of Michigan. Oneraw February morning as he was calling the roll of an 8 o'clock classin English, he called "Mr. Robbins," and receiving no answer calledagain: "Mr. Robbins?" Still no reply. "Ah," said Professor Tyler,looking around upon the class in his inimitable manner, "it is ratherearly for robins."
* * * * *
He--"Isn't dinner ready yet?"
She--"No, dear. I got it according to the time you set the clock whenyou came in last night, and dinner will be ready in four hours."
* * * * *
A foreigner, meeting an American friend, said to him, "How are you?"The latter replied, "Out of sight."
The man considered this very clever, and decided to use the expressionon the next occasion. Shortly after he was met by a friend, who asked,"How are you?" With visible pride he answered, "You don't see me."
* * * * *
There is a clerk in the employ of a Philadelphia business man who,while a fair worker, is yet an individual of pronounced eccentricity.
One day a wire basket fell off the top of the clerk's desk andscratched his cheek. Not having any court plaster at hand, he slappedon three two-cent postage stamps and continued his work.
A few minutes later he had occasion to take some papers to hisemployer's private office. When he entered, the "old man" observingthe postage stamps on his cheek fixed him with an astonished stare."Look here, Jenkins!" he exclaimed. "You are carrying too much postagefor second-class matter!"
* * * * *
"I suppose," said the facetious stranger, watching a workman spread acarpet from the church door to the curb, "that's the high road toheaven you're fixing there?"
"No," replied the man; "this is merely a bridal path."
* * * * *
"I hope my little Tommy has taken to heart mama's talk of last nightabout charity and usefulness," said a fond mother. "How many acts ofkindness has he done? How many hearts has my Tommy made grateful andglad?"
Her Tommy replied:
"I've done a lot of good, ma; I gave your new hat to a beggar woman,and I gave the cook's shoes to a little girl in busted rubbers what Iseen on the street, and I gave a poor, lame shoe-string seller pa'sblack suit, the open front one that he hardly ever wears."
* * * * *
Charles Francis Adams was escorting a literary friend about Boston.They were viewing the different objects of attraction and finally cameto Bunker Hill. They stood looking at the splendid monument whenAdams remarked: "This is the place, sir, where Warren fell."
"Ah!" replied the Englishman, evidently not very familiar withAmerican history. "Was he seriously hurt by his fall?"
Mr. Adams looked at his friend. "Hurt!" said he. "He was killed, sir."
"Ah, indeed," the Englishman replied, still eying the monument andcommencing to compute its height in his own mind. "Well, I shouldthink he might have been--falling so far."
* * * * *
"Darling," said his bride, "I had a terrible feeling of sadness comeover me this afternoon--a sort of feeling that you were doingsomething that would break my heart if I knew of it. Think, sweet,what were you doing this afternoon at four o'clock?"
"Dearest," replied her husband, tenderly and reassuringly, "at thathour I was licking stamps and pasting them on envelopes."
* * * * *
A few years ago a dear old lady, who formerly lived in Ipswich, andwas a relative of the poet Whittier, had occasion to go on a journeywhich necessitated a night's ride in a sleeping car. Being subject toattacks of acute indigestion, she took the precaution to place a fewleaves of the commercial mustard plaster in her hand bag.
During the night, pains, either real or imaginary, warned her oftrouble and prevented sleep. Deciding upon the application of aplaster, she reached in the dark for the hand bag, and, havingsecured it, proceeded to put one of the leaves where it would do themost good, and immediately felt comforted and enjoyed a refreshingsleep until morning.
Upon removing the plaster, what was her astonishment to find that itwas a $10 bank note that had brought such speedy relief.
* * * * *
Beerbohm Tree was once endeavoring to get a well-known actor back intohis company. He invited the man to call and received him in hisdressing room as he was making-up. "How much would you want to comeback to me?" inquired Mr. Tree, busy with his paint pots. The othernamed an exorbitant salary to which Tree merely retorted as he went onmaking up: "Don't slam the door when you go out, will you?"
* * * * *
"Oh, mama," she cried, rushing into her mother's room, and flingingher arms around her mother's neck, "He loves me! He loves me!"
"My dear child, I'm so glad! Has he told you? Has he asked you to behis wife?"
"No, but he's down in the library learning to play chess with papa."
* * * * *
"If I had only known that this pleasure was in store for me," said thedoctor, as he shook hands cordially with his wife's cousins, "I shouldcertainly have arranged my business so as to be home earlier."
"Why, pa," piped up little Tommy, "don't you remember that ma toldyou they were coming, and you said, 'Oh, the devil!'"
* * * * *
A minister of a fashionable church had always left the greeting ofstrangers to be attended to by the ushers until he read some newspaperarticles in reference to the matter.
"Suppose a representative should visit our church," said his wife."Wouldn't it be awful?"
"It would," the minister admitted.
The following Sunday evening he noticed a plainly dressed woman in oneof the free pews. She sat alone and was clearly not a member of theflock. After the benediction the minister hastened and intercepted herat the door.
"How do you do?" he said, offering his hand. "I am very glad to haveyou with us."
"Thank you," replied the young woman.
"I hope we may see you often in our church home," he went on. "We arealways glad to welcome new faces."
"Yes, sir."
"Do you live in this parish?" he asked.
The girl looked blank.
"If you will give me your address my wife and I will call on you someevening."
"You wouldn't need to go far, sir," said the young woman. "I'm yourcook."
* * * * *
The mission-workers on the East Side frequently see the humorous aswell as the sadder side of life. A man prominent in reform work inNew York City recounts the experience of a certain young woman, new tothe task, who set about posting herself as to conditions in aneighborhood near Avenue A.
The ambitious missionary had entered the house of an Irishwoman, andhad made some preliminary inquiries, when she was suddenly interruptedby the woman, who said:
"Say, youse is fresh at dis business, ain't youse?"
The amateur in mission work blushingly