Looking for Forever

by Max Hudson

  “Let’s just dive right in and start with the nudes this time. Are you up for that?” Paolo’s mischievous smile told me that he was having fun at Doug’s expense. Still, I also wanted to know how far he could go, and what he could tolerate, so I played along.

  “No problem.” Not bothering to step into the changing room, I began to strip down to my underwear in the middle of the studio. Doug watched but didn’t make any moves. If he was uncomfortable, he wasn’t letting it show. Instead, I got a second look at his stone face; he was completely unreadable.

  “Are you going to make me call my assistant or are you going to help oil him up?” Paolo handed a jar of the moisturizer to Doug and smiled sweetly.

  Doug got up and walked over to me.

  “I can handle everything else, I just need help with my back. Make sure everything is even. The camera doesn’t miss a thing,” I said.

  Doug opened the jar and scooped the cream into his palm, rubbed them together and began to pass his hands across the expanse of my shoulders and down the sides of my back.

  “Like this,” his question seemed innocent enough, but the look in his eyes as he looked up at me told me it was anything but.

  “You’ve got it,” I whispered back.

  I didn’t need much inspiration after that. My body was tuned to high, and knowing Doug’s eyes were on me as I posed, was pure seduction. In fact, the entire shoot ended up feeling like foreplay, with me trying to find new and intimate ways to entertain him. As for Doug, despite his innocent demeanor, it was obvious that he was turned on. On several occasions he excused himself, probably to relieve the “pressure” in his balls.

  By the end of the shoot, I was sure of three things. One, Doug could handle having a boyfriend who took his clothes off for money. Two, Doug had a voyeur’s mind and was turned on by seeing others turned on. And three, I wasn’t willing to do anything if it meant I wouldn’t be able to make Doug bite his bottom lip the way he did while watching me work the camera.

  “So, you have to pay for that yourself?” He asked as we made our way out into the cool evening air.

  I nodded. “You have to spend money to make money. In this business, I am both the product and the means of production.”

  “Sounds exhausting,” he chuckled.

  “You weren’t bored, were you?” He slipped his hand into mine as we walked down the street.

  “Not at all. Quite the opposite, actually. I always thought that modeling was easy.”

  “It is. It’s not like I’m digging ditches for a living. But, there’s an art to it. Once you understand how the lighting and cameras work, finding your light and using your body to create the right attitude becomes easier. I just have the added pressure of needing to present an impressive wang while I do it.”

  He stumbled a little but recovered quickly.

  “You do a good job,” he said softly, blushing so deeply that I could see it under the soft glow of the street light.

  “So, what do you say? Can you tolerate me for a while?”

  He wore a somber expression and took a deep breath. For a moment my heart stopped beating. Had I been overconfident? Maybe he really couldn’t handle knowing the details of my life. Maybe what Doug needed was a nice, ordinary guy, or at least one whose job doesn’t occasionally entail endorsing butt plugs and anal beads.

  “I like you, Max. I like you a lot, and nothing I saw today changes any of that. As for all the other things, I don’t know... well, I don’t watch porn and I’m probably not going to start now. So, I may never see any of that unless you invite me to watch. I just hope that isn’t what you have planned for our next date.”

  Chapter Five

  I went through my checklist again. I took the time to write it out this time. I usually had this whole routine memorized but the sound of the water running in the next room kept distracting me. It wasn’t so much the water as it was the knowledge that Doug was in there naked.

  Wet.

  Lathering.

  His face turned up to the water, eyes closed, lips parted slightly.

  Rinsing and repeating.

  It was hard to make sure that all my underwear was accounted for with those thoughts running in my mind. Even writing it down wasn’t much help. I’d counted my t-shirts three times already, and come up with a different number every time.

  The thing was, this was the second time we’d stayed together, this time in my Brooklyn apartment. While it was nice to have him here on my turf, having his smell on my sheets only made me want him more. I was trying to take it slow. Doug, it turns out, was a lot more conservative than I was used to. He wasn’t a prude. He didn’t seem shocked by my footlocker full of sex toys and accessories. He wasn’t thrown off by the way other guys, guys who were fans of my work, would sometimes approach me. He seemed to be doing just fine with that. But, when he climbed into bed next to me, things never progressed beyond a solid PG rating.

  It wasn't like I was starved for sex. I figured I could hold out as long as it would take for him to get comfortable with the idea of being with me. In fact, I was the best guy for that. But, the more time we spent together, the more I realized how impatient I was. It wasn’t like I couldn’t get off any other way. I just wanted him. Only him. I wanted him to give himself to me, and I was beginning to wonder why he hadn’t made his move yet?

  Maybe he was waiting for me to initiate. Maybe he was feeling inadequate; I mean my scene partners were pretty impressive to look at, so that would at least make sense. Or maybe he still wasn't okay with the idea of sharing me with the public. I thought at first that he was waiting for me to start something, but after being rebuffed soundly, I knew it wasn’t that. But whatever the issue was, it was becoming a problem.

  How do you tell somebody “I like you but I’m going to need you to be a little less interested in me as a person and more interested in me as a sex object”?

  That shit sounded crazy, even to my own mind.

  He stepped out of the bathroom with the towel slung low around his hips. He didn’t have the deep, lean ridges of muscle that most guys fetishized, but his trim waistline and broad shoulders were still sexy as hell.

  “What time is your flight?” He continued to scrub his head with the towel as he spoke.

  “Noon,” I said.

  “That’s right, you’re on my flight. Lucky me,” he said with a shy smile. I decided to take another crack at seducing him.

  “But, we have plenty of time before then,” I reached inside for my character. Cue Max Lover, everybody’s fantasy. “And you smell so good.”

  He looked up at me with soft eyes, the pupils dilated slowly in the murky green irises. I didn’t stop until I’d invaded his personal space. He didn’t back away either.

  Good sign.

  “And, there is something that I have been wanting to do to you for a while now,” I said, my voice pitched low. I made no secret about my lust, grabbing his hand and placing it on my crotch. I clamped one arm around his waist, pulling his body against mine. He didn’t resist or recoil from my touch.

  More good news.

  I kept telling myself that I needed to move slowly. Even if he wanted to be with me, that didn’t mean he wanted me to jump his bones. I leaned in for one more of those simmering kisses that had been occupying my nights over the last two weeks. He melted almost immediately, tipping his head back and parting his lips so that I could taste him.

  His kiss was timid this time, reserved in a way that was as much a seduction as it was a challenge.

  “You really have to say something if you don’t want this,” I said, gasping for air. “Because I want you so bad right now.”

  “I want this. I’m just nervous.” He seemed more than just a little nervous. His bottom lip quivered, and his fingertips gripped at my forearms as if he were afraid I would make a break for the door.

  “Don’t be nervous, I got this all under control,” I whispered against his ear. A shiver ran down his body and I knew I had finally broken
through. All his objections and fears, regardless of their origin, were flying away.

  I growled, triumphant, and attacked the sensitive skin along his neck and shoulders. He closed his eyes and exhaled loudly, letting his head roll back and clinging to my body with desperate hands.

  “You’re too adorable,” I said, letting my hands roam across his back, and pulling the towel from around his hips. His body was glorious, his round ass and strong thighs twitched as my fingers grasped his smooth naked body. He wrapped his arms around my chest and buried his face in my neck.

  “Are you shy?” I chuckled.

  “Don’t tease me. You might be used to being naked, but I’m not,” he whined.

  “You get naked every day,” I countered.

  “Not with you. Not like this.”

  I took a step back and pulled my clothes off, leaving them in a pile at his feet.

  “Now we’re both naked,” I said.

  “No fair, you don’t have anything to be embarrassed about,” he said with a smile.

  “Neither do you, or did you miss the overwhelming response from the audience?” I pointed to my dick, which was standing proudly at attention, bobbing gently in the empty space between us.

  “Pervert.”

  “You bet,” I agreed, closing the distance between us and resuming my excavation of his mouth. I could feel the tension slowly ease from his limbs, or maybe the sexual tension in my body reached such a fevered pitch that it swept us both up and carried all the other thoughts away. The sound of his soft sigh killed all of the good intentions I had, and I crushed his body against mine, lifting him several inches off the floor and walking quickly toward the bed in the far corner of the loft apartment.

  We hit the mattress with a thud, his body under mine. I caught his hands, laced my fingers through his and held them captive on either side of his body. He didn’t miss a beat, stretching and straining, meeting my kisses with eager kisses of his own. Every time our lips met, it was like a crossfire, both of us absorbing the blasts and returning fire.

  For a moment my mind wandered to the trunk full of toys at the foot of the bed, but I quickly lost interest. That was work. This was something deeper. I didn’t want to play with Doug, I wanted to have him. All of him. Just him. I wanted every touch, every moment of pleasure to be naked and raw, and just between us. That was the difference between being on set and being with him, there was no filter, no lens to play to, no director to pull my mind out of what was happening between us. It was the most vanilla experience you could imagine, and yet it was the height of erotica for me.

  I sat back, straddling his hips and looked down at his flushed face. He looked adorable. Despite his shyness, lust shone out from behind his eyes. His chest rose and fell as he sucked in deep ragged breaths. His cock was rock hard, pressed against mine. I grasped them both with my hand and stroked us both several times. His eyelids fluttered down, and his brows knitted together as pleasure lanced through us both. He grasped the comforter under him and twisted it in his fists as I continued the onslaught, taking advantage of the friction of both our cocks pressed together in the palm of my hand.

  I felt his member spasm in my hand. Within a matter of moments, he cried out and shuddered as he came, spurting hot, thick liquid onto his quivering belly.

  “Looks like I win round one,” he chuckled.

  “Oh, that’s what winning looks like?” I flipped him over and slid a pillow under his hips in one smooth motion. Porn star skills had their uses. “You should prepare to win a whole lot more today.”

  Once again, there was a tense moment, when it seemed that his nerves took over, but he didn’t retreat. Instead, he became docile, like an innocent high school kid, and I felt myself melt a little more.

  “Don't look at me like that. I'm already crazy about you. My heart can't take much more,” I said, letting my lips graze his earlobes and neck as I spoke. We laid like that for a few minutes, his body stretched out beneath mine. I ran my hands down the length of his body, trying to ease the nerves that jumped in his muscles as my fingers explored his skin.

  Instead of relaxing it felt like he was getting more nervous with every breath. I was horny as hell, but I wasn't an asshole. I wrapped my arms around him and rolled him onto his side, pulling him against me. He looked back at me with unsure eyes and I tried to kiss the uncertainty away.

  “I want this, but I only want it if you want it,” I said. He nodded but it wasn't enough for me. I needed to hear the words. “Tell me you want me.”

  “I want you,” he said softly.

  The sound of his soft admission was all I needed to set my blood on fire again. I captured his lips again, biting them gently as penance for being so wickedly seductive. I snaked my hand between his legs, capturing his semi-erect member, and began teasing it back to life.

  He moaned and squirmed, pressing those firm, warm cheeks against my throbbing cock. With a single thrust, the head of my cock pressed up against his opening. I rolled him back onto his stomach, lifting his hips again so that his nearly perfect ass was on full display.

  “Good enough to eat,” I said. He laughed.

  “Cheesy porn star lines,” he said.

  “I can't help it, it's an occupational hazard. But, there are some perks too.”

  “Oh really?” he looked back at me from over his shoulder, a mischievous smile on his face.

  I didn't bother replying, instead, I demonstrated just how delectable he was. I pried his cheeks open gently and pressed my tongue against the puckered rosebud between. He jumped and shuddered as I used my tongue and thumb to tease his body back to life. He moaned and bucked, pushing back against the onslaught. I didn't let up. I bit the perfectly round cheeks and slapped them until they turned pink. He let out several loud cries as the pleasure and the pain mingled and left him gasping for breath.

  “Look at you with your ass in the air,” I declared, reaching for the condoms in the nightstand.

  He could only whimper in response. I quickly “suited up” and pressed the tip of my cock to his softened entrance.

  I applied pressure, slowly trying to feed my body into his. Instead of the warm welcome, I was expecting, I was met with resistance. Doug's hands fisted in the sheets and once again his body froze. My ego crumbled.

  “You don't want to do this?”

  Doug sat up and turned toward me but refused to look me in the eyes.

  “I want you. I really do. You have no idea.”

  Confused, I let the seconds tick by before speaking again.

  “Do you want me to stop?”

  He shook his head.

  “Then what is it?” The tone of my voice was angry and demanding, and that was not what I was going for. Still, I had to admit that I was more than a little frustrated. I was never one for playing games. That was one of the many reasons why I hadn’t ever been in a long-term relationship. At some point, it became a power struggle, a push and pull, and I wasn’t willing to play games with my heart.

  “I thought I could, this time...with you,” he said softly, still not looking me in the eyes.

  “Weren’t you enjoying yourself, ‘cause you seemed fucking turned on to me.”

  “I was. I am. You’re so sexy, I just never…”

  “Never what?”

  He looked up and met my eyes and I felt a cold chill run down my spine.

  “You’ve never done THAT with a man before?”

  He pursed his lips and nodded.

  “Ever?”

  He didn’t say anything else. His eyes pleaded with me not to get angry and I wasn’t. I was a whole lot of things, but angry wasn’t one of them. I rolled away from him and sat on the edge of the bed, feeling very lost and confused.

  “Wait, I thought you were gay.”

  “I am.”

  “Then how come this has never come up before. I mean, you’re not a teenager anymore. It should have happened at least once by now.” I sounded so stupid. I realized my mistake as soon as I said the word
s, but it was too late, and it was already out there.

  “I know what I like, Max. I know I like you.”

  “You just never got around to figuring out what you like? Is that what this is for you? An experiment?”

  “No! I’ve been out with other guys before. I’ve even fooled around a lot. I just never went all the way… I never went that far with anybody.” He sounded humiliated. I looked over my shoulder at him, sitting back on his heels, his hands in his lap and his eyes cast down. He was fucking adorable.

  “Why not?”

  He took a deep breath and screwed his mouth up into a tight knot.

  “I tried to, once, but it didn’t feel right. He wasn’t really a nice guy and I wanted my first time to be special.”

  “Right,” I was trying to read between the lines, but he was making it hard to understand what he wasn’t telling me.

  “He got really angry and really pushy, and I just… I haven’t really been with anybody I trusted enough to do all of those things with. I meet a lot of guys, but a lot of guys aren’t nice men,” he said with a note of disappointment ringing in his voice. The way he categorized his past encounters into “nice men” and “not nice men” set off alarm bells in my mind. I’d heard that kind of language before, mostly from girls who’d come through some horrific shit. I didn’t want to think of him like that. I didn’t want to imagine what he must have experienced at the hands of “not nice” men. I bit back the bile that rose in my throat and kept my eyes on him.

  “True.” I couldn’t disagree. I’d seen my fair share of fucked up situations, and sexual trauma. When I thought about it, my first time hadn’t been all that special at all. I didn’t remember the guy or the circumstances, just the feeling that I had crossed a threshold somehow, and there was no turning back.

  “I know I should’ve told you. I wasn’t trying to fuck with your head. It’s just embarrassing as hell. And, there never seems to be a good time to talk about it. I mean, when’s the right moment to mention that I’m a virgin?”

  The fact that he still considered himself a virgin was heartbreaking. He was overflowing with raw sexuality, and yet he saw this one thing as the end all and be all of his sexual experience. I wanted to weep for him and show him all of the ways his body was capable of giving and receiving pleasure. I wanted to kill whoever it was that made him feel inadequate and untouched. But mostly, I just wanted to take that look of uncertainty and shame away.