Blossom in Winter

by Melanie Martins

  “Oh God. Have you seen the number of people in there?”

  “They are all excited to see you,” Matthew cheers me up. “It’s amazing, Petra. You’ll be fine. I think a lot of business channels are out there too. You’re gonna meet so many journalists.”

  Despite Matthew’s attempts to comfort me, I’m not feeling amazing at all. “Give me a second.” I run to the bathroom to calm myself down before stepping on stage. I’m glad Alex and Dad are far away in Singapore. Having them in the crowd would have been even worse. I try to breathe slowly, but the acid in my stomach comes up. I rush to one of the toilets and throw up. No one at Columbia knows I suffer from panic attacks or agoraphobia, and it’s better to keep it that way.

  I take my dental kit from my purse, brush my teeth, and put some blush on my cheeks to hide how pale I am. Then I smear gloss on my lips, and try smiling at the mirror. I observe myself attentively. I realize I’ve lost some weight, as my collarbone is more visible than usual and my arms look skinnier too. I can’t let my phobia get in the way, yet eating is hard. So hard. Any type of food feels repugnant. I glance at my chest and smile—well, at least this part of my body looks the same, if not bigger.

  I focus on my breath, inhaling and exhaling deeply, but my heart is thundering. I’ve never been on stage before, let alone spoken about myself in front of cameras, journalists, and my own colleagues.

  Bedford Hills, February 22, 2020

  He’s finally back from Singapore! And furthermore, Julia is in town. Alex has planned a small celebration in my honor over the weekend. Nothing too fancy—just a small dinner between us three. He saw my interview onstage and said he couldn’t believe how I’d managed to remain so calm during the entire panel. He also added I’d acted just like Dad, strong and confident, even if I was terrified inside.

  “Julia! I’m so happy you’re here.”

  “Me too, my dear Petra.” We hug each other before kissing each other’s cheeks. “Congratulations on your interview and your panel at Columbia. My brother shared it with me.”

  “Oh, it’s nothing, really.”

  Julia glances at my figure. “Have you been on a diet? You look even thinner than when I met you.”

  “I’m fine. Don’t worry.” I hold Julia by the arm, walking her into the dining room. “So, tell me, what brings you to New York?”

  Julia sits in front of me, with Alex between us at the head of the table. “Well, just a quick getaway.”

  Maria prepared a special feast for today’s celebration. After all, she’s known Julia since she was born. She cooked her favorite meal: pea soup, followed by andijviestamppot—a pan full of Dutch mashed potatoes and escarole endive—accompanied with meatballs for Julia and tofu for me. Alex also decides to have the tofu. I smile at his choice. He knows I don’t like him to consume meat.

  While Maria seems extremely happy to see everyone enjoying the meal, she couldn’t help but frown looking at my plate. “You didn’t like the food, Ms. Van Gatt?”

  “The food was great, Maria. Thank you. I’m just not hungry.”

  “You are so skinny, Petra. You need to eat a bit,” adds Julia, seeing half of the soup still in my bowl. “It’s only vegetables.”

  “I’m fine, Julia, really… Don’t worry.”

  Julia exchanges a glance with Alex. He wipes his mouth and looks at me. “Petra, would you mind checking on Arthur? Maria will escort you.”

  Alexander Van Dieren

  “Well, I won’t serve you any whiskey, since I know you don’t drink.” I prepare one for myself and invite Julia into the sitting area of my office. She sits on the sofa against the wall, a glass of water in hand, while I take the armchair beside her.

  “So, tell me”—I take the first sip—“what brings my lovely sister to New York?”

  “This.” Julia plays a video on her iPhone and turns it to me. It’s Tess Hagen giving an interview to NPO 1, the biggest national TV channel in the Netherlands.

  “So, Tess is really getting into politics…”

  “Yes, looks like she is officially tied to the CDA. Provincial elections are next month and the national ones are next year. She’s been gathering big audiences and public support. I’m not sure what she has in mind. My husband is worried about what she knows and what she might do…”

  “I see… And how can I help?”

  “Alex.” Julia glances discreetly around. “You didn’t propose to Petra yet, right?”

  “No, not yet. Roy wants me to break up with her.” I pause. “But I’m incapable of doing it.”

  “Tess knows too much. She made it clear she will expose us. There are too many people involved, too many families. Our mother has made so many sacrifices—”

  “Julia,” I snap to calm her down. “I’m very aware of what Tess knows, but”—my gaze drops, I let out a deep breath, then look my sister in the eye again—“I can’t live without Petra either. I just can’t.” There is some sort of melancholia in my voice, as I know all too well that distance from her body doesn’t mean distance from her.

  “I know…” She leans closer to me, her face sharing the same pain. “Do you want us to take care of Tess?”

  I’m not surprised by her question. After all, I know what’s at stake. “Julia, despite Tess being a threat, she’s still Petra’s mother. And Roy is also firmly against it.”

  “But she’s a threat to your happiness,” Julia protests instantly. “Our happiness!” I feel her gaze studying me for a moment. “No one will know. We’ve got people who are very discreet…”

  “I know, Julia, but I can’t do it. Promise me no one will harm Tess.” My sister doesn’t reply. She looks away, her face distant and displeased by my answer. “Julia, if something happens to Tess, I won’t hide the truth from Roy and Petra.”

  “Fine. But what are you going to do? Are you gonna break the heart of the only woman you’ve ever truly loved? That’s your plan?”

  I shut my eyes and rub my eyelids. “Roy gave me until March sixth to do so. Afterward, I’m moving to Singapore.”

  Petra Van Gatt

  “There is nothing for you here, my little Arthur. Your mom will be back soon.” I kiss Arthur on the head while snuggling him in my arms. He smells so good—I catch a mix of his own scent and Julia’s perfume.

  All of a sudden, I hear knocking.

  “May I?”

  “Right on time, see?” I place a goodbye kiss on his pink cheek before handing him back to Julia. “I think he is hungry. He was trying to grab my shirt.”

  “Indeed, that’s his way of asking to be fed.” Julia seems to be checking me out closely.

  “Are you okay, Petra? You look so pale and tired.”

  “Give me a second.” I run to the toilet of the en suite and throw up once more. “I’m sorry, I’ve been going through a lot of stress and pressure lately,” I admit while splashing some fresh water on my face. I wash my mouth and leave the bathroom, feeling as bloated as ever. “Dad wants me to build a public image, and I hate it. I don’t like crowds or being the center of attention, but he insists I give interviews, speak on panels, meet journalists…” I let out an exasperated breath. “I just need to start managing my stress, and I will be fine.”

  Julia nods, then puts Arthur back in his white crib. “Of course, I understand perfectly,” she says with a sly smile on her face. “Well, regarding your ‘stress,’ I’d recommend a lot of rest, no alcohol whatsoever, a clean diet with a lot of calcium, moderate exercise but no weights, and folic acid and iron supplements.”

  “Wow, so that’s what you do to handle the pressure at work?”

  Julia chuckles. “Exactly, and I’d also make sure to see a doctor and follow up.” She gives me a tight hug. “I’m so happy for you.”

  I frown, confused. Is she that happy about the public image and interviews? “Julia, are you crying?”

  “I’m sorry, it’s all the emotion. Oh, Petra.” She dries her tears, holding me tight again.

  My eyes widen in confu
sion. “Okay… I never thought you would be as proud of me as that. Wow.”

  While stroking my hair, Julia observes me attentively, with a big smile on her lips and a contemplative eye. “My brother is so lucky to have you.” I smile back at her, and she places a kiss on my forehead.

  At this point, I’m feeling slightly uncomfortable with so much affection. “Alright…” I clear my throat. “I’ll let you be with Arthur. I’m gonna get some sleep. I’m feeling exhausted. Have a great night.” I give her a kiss on the cheek.

  “Sure. Good night, Petra. And don’t forget to see a doctor soon.”

  Bedford Hills, February 23, 2020

  I didn’t feel his touch last night. Granted, I was tired and fell asleep immediately, but when I wake up, I don’t see him either. He seems colder and more distant, talking and laughing with me less. The way he looks at me is also quite unrecognizable. He used to whisper how much he loved me and what he wanted to do to me, but with these many trips to Singapore, it all feels so far behind. I wonder what happened. I’ve got to talk to him.

  Maria said he’s in his office. I knock on the door before stepping inside. I find him casually sitting on the sofa, reading with his glasses on. He closes his book upon seeing me. “Good morning, little hermit.”

  Holy… I feel myself waking up just now at his warm words and beautiful smile. “Hey.”

  “Did you sleep well?”

  I nod and sit beside him. My heart starts racing as I look into his tender blue eyes. Oh God, I’ve missed them so much. And his scent, his lips, his wild hair…

  He smiles at me, caressing my cheek, and places a lingering kiss on my lips—one that enflames my heart faster than a lighter.

  But I want more than that.

  I lean forward to reach his mouth again, straddling him, and hold his jawline while I hungrily devour him. “I love you,” I whisper.

  His eyes locked on mine, he beams at me and strokes my long hair. “I love you so much, Petra.”

  Then he presses his lips against mine once more, but this time with such urgency and fervor that I feel how intensely he’s missed me. “I love you so much,” he repeats, his voice barely audible, holding me tight in his arms. He starts lifting my sweater up. I help him strip it off. I’m not wearing a bra underneath. He returns to my mouth, but as he glances at my tits, his lips twist into a naughty smile. I know they somehow look bigger, swollen—my areolas too. He fondles my left nipple very slowly with his thumb before sucking it into his mouth.

  I whimper at the touch. “I’m sorry, I’m slightly more sensitive lately.”

  He looks hungry. “They are bigger…” And by the sound of his voice, maybe even starving. “If I touch them with my fingers like this, does it hurt?”

  “A bit,” I mumble. He bites his bottom lip while staring intently at them. From my chest, he traces a line with his fingers. When he lowers his gaze to my belly, I decide to get off his lap.

  I reach for my top, put it back on, and change the subject. “Why didn’t you sleep with me last night?”

  “I did sleep with you. Julia told me you were exhausted and needed rest, so I just got up early.”

  “Where is she, by the way?”

  “She went back to the Netherlands.”

  “She just came here for one night?”

  “Indeed, she has work on Monday.” He grabs my hand and pulls me over to sit on his lap. “I’m very proud of you, Petra. I know it’s not easy for you to go through these interviews, be on these panels, and meet all these journalists. Julia doesn’t know how hard it is for you to do all this, but she is right. You can’t stop eating. I called the doctor this morning. He told me eating disorders are quite common among agora- and social phobias, but you can’t let yourself down.”

  “I know,” I sigh. “Dad reminds me of that all the time.”

  “Promise me you will eat? Maria made a soup—it has nothing in it but vegetables.”

  I roll my eyes. “Okay, fine. I’ll eat.”

  “Thank you.” He tenderly kisses my forehead. “And kindly go for a checkup when you can. You haven’t seen a doctor since October.”

  “Pfff. You’re worse than Dad. Fine, I will go this week.”

  Hudson Valley, March 5, 2020

  Emma texted. She’s finally landed in New York. I’ve been dying to see her! As usual, we meet at her parents’ residence in Hudson Valley. She’ll be in New York for just a week before leaving for a long trip across Southeast Asia with some of her new friends.

  “You look so different! Look at you, you’re glowing! You look more… hmm…. womanly,” she praises, while dragging me to her bedroom. I know she’s impatient to know all the secrets and gossip she’s been missing. I sit on the sofa while Emma locks the door so we’re not disturbed.

  “Well, it has been a couple of months since you left for Bali. I’m so glad you’re back.”

  “Me too, babygirl.” She hugs me tight. “So, how is Van Dieren?” she asks excitedly, clapping her hands, anxious for all the juicy details.

  “Um, I thought you’d ask about me first. But, if you want to know, I think he’s fine.”

  “So naive, my God! I don’t care how he’s actually doing—I care about how he’s doing with you.” I remain confused. “Oh, babygirl… How is he, sexually speaking? Are you enjoying it? I want to know everything!”

  “Oh…” I blush, looking down. “I can’t talk about it.”

  “Why not? I’m your best friend. Did you sign an NDA or what?”

  “Actually… I did.”

  “Wow. He takes his reputation very seriously.”

  “Or maybe mine…”

  “Indeed. Well, if you are happy, I’m happy. What else did I miss?”

  My face gets unusually serious. “Emma, you know you are like a big sister to me.” Emma smiles with pride. “I need your advice.” I let out a sigh, and, armed with courage, I face reality through Emma’s eyes. “I screwed up.”

  Her jaw drops in confusion. “You screwed up? That’s hard to believe...What happened?”

  I take a deep breath before saying these words to someone for the very first time in my life: “I’m fifteen weeks pregnant.”

  “Holy shit!” She looks me straight in the eyes without even blinking. “Indeed, not sure if I should congratulate you on this one.”

  “I messed up, I know. I lied to him and told him I was taking the pill.” Emma crosses her arms; her face remains astonished. But I proceed, “Alex promised my father we’d only have kids after I graduate, and in exchange we could get engaged. So since I found out, I’ve been hiding the pregnancy…” I take a long breath. “But I won’t be able to hide it much longer. My bump is growing, and it’s starting to show when I’m naked… He invited me over for the weekend—I’m so scared he’ll find out... Oh God...”

  Emma Hasenfratz

  I’m speechless. She is crazy, crazy, crazy! Way beyond any craziness I’m capable of! Damn, I can’t believe babygirl is getting engaged and having a baby. Fuck, she doesn’t waste time. While I was looking for some juicy details, this is definitely not what I was expecting.

  “Wow.” That’s all I manage to say. “Well, in that type of sweatshirt, I can’t see anything. May I see under?” Petra knows I locked the door, so she stands and lifts up her loose garment. Holy moly! She really is pregnant! “Hmm, so far it just looks like you ate twenty big pancakes,” I reassure her. “But I agree, Van Dieren might ask you why you’re so bloated. Did he already bend the knee? I don’t see a ring…”

  “No, not yet, and I don’t know why, Emma. It’s driving me crazy. Maybe his mother didn’t approve, maybe he found out about my pregnancy, maybe he just gave up… I’m so confused. I thought he was ready for this. Since my classes started, he has been going back and forth to Singapore with Dad, and we haven’t talked about it anymore.”

  The more Petra talks, the more lost I am. I feel a sudden urge to light up a cigarette, but now that I know Petra’s secret, I decide to refrain.

>   I have an idea, but I’m 99 percent sure Petra will reject it. Nevertheless, I ask, “Have you considered… well… an abortion?”

  “Of course not. I just came from an ultrasound. The baby is healthy and growing so fast. I want to keep it. We have all the means in the world to raise it. Alex is mature enough to be a father. He’s forty, after all.” Right, keep dreaming. Petra’s stubborn as always, but seriously, is Van Dieren ready to be a father? I know Petra is romanticizing the most important man in her life. She is delusional. Very delusional. After all, it’s not for nothing that I call her “babygirl.” Sometimes Petra can be as naive as one.

  My heart keeps thundering nervously. “Well, if you want to have this child, then you should have it. It’s your call. But it’s a decision that might bring painful consequences…”

  “Such as?”

  Such as the harsh reality of life. I try to be gentle, but I’ve got to prepare babygirl for the worst-case scenario. “Well, such as Van Dieren breaking up with you, your dad disowning you… But don’t worry—there’ll always be a room for you here.” Petra takes it as a joke. But I mean it.

  “They’d never do such a thing.” She thinks a bit more. “Right?”

  I take a deep breath and search for the best words to explain as gently as possible what I have in mind. “Petra, relationships can only survive and thrive if both parties are honest with each other. And you’re basically betraying their trust. You’re about to get engaged to your father’s best friend and business partner, which is literally putting his relationship on the line for you. The only thing your dad’s asking in return is for you to graduate before starting a family.” I sigh. “If you don’t want to end your pregnancy, then the very least you should do is tell them the truth before they find out. I’m surprised the clinic hasn’t called your father yet.”