The Juggling Act

by Carol Maloney Scott

  I almost spit my Coke. “WHAT? I don’t sing! When I said I would go, I meant I would sit there and watch people sing. You don’t sing, do you?”

  “My feelings are really hurt, Claire. Of course I sing. Quite well, actually. Obviously not as well as Brandon, but certainly passable enough for vacation karaoke. Are you sure I can’t convince you?”

  Singing and swimming are the two absolute no-nos of my life. I don’t sing in front of anyone. Ever. I spent almost twenty years with Ron and he never heard my singing voice. I only sing happy birthday if there is a huge crowd. Otherwise, I lip sync. I LIP SYNC happy birthday and he wants me to sing in PUBLIC! I would rather take off my clothes.

  “No way, but now I have to go to hear you. Do you take requests?”

  We banter a bit more about our evening plans, and decide to meet up for dinner again, but this time at a more casual bar. My mood deteriorates as I remember Chastity’s visit. I look at my phone and see that it’s happening right now.

  “What’s wrong? We really don’t have to do karaoke. Or I can go by myself if you’re tired.” He looks concerned and sweet.

  “No, it’s not that. My son’s birth mother is at the house right now.”

  “Oh, that.” He sits back down. “I forgot about that. Claire, you know that little baby adores you and you are his mother. That girl is in no position to take care of him and she probably just wants to see for herself that she made a good decision. And there are laws, Claire. She can’t just take him back.”

  “I’m afraid he will get confused.”

  He furrows his brow and says, “Confused? About who his mother is? That’s impossible. But I get it. My sister-in-law was worried that her son would think the nanny was his mother. Obviously that doesn’t happen, and she is at the office for many hours. Wait, you don’t worry about Aidan thinking Tatiana is his mother, right?”

  “Well, of course not.” I grin at the silliness now that I realize what he’s saying. “Oh my God, you’re so right. I never worry about that, and she spends tons of time with Aidan. It’s hard not to feel threatened, but it is ridiculous.”

  I wish Brandon would have taken the time to analyze this situation and help me see reason, instead of belittling me for not being more supportive of open adoption.

  “Thanks, Justin. You’re a good friend.” I reach across the table and touch his hand. I pull it back pretty quickly as his eyes meet mine.

  He stands up and tosses his candy wrapper in the trash. “Let me know if you want to talk about it later, but I will try to keep your mind off it. By singing, I mean.”

  As he moves to leave the break room I say, “Why don’t we ever have lunch at work? I mean, we have some good talks, right?”

  He takes a breath and says, “I think we both know why we stopped doing that. But now that I’m back and you’re an old, boring married lady, I guess it wouldn’t hurt.”

  I wind up to throw my empty little Coke bottle at him, but swiftly put it down when a woman, who obviously knows Justin, comes barreling in the room.

  “Here you are! I was told you were spotted. And I wanted to meet that brilliant young editor you told me about? Is she here?”

  Brandon

  Who the hell is calling me now? I am frantically trying to get ready for this Chastity visit. Like a moron, I gave Tatiana the day off again. I send her away lately more than I actually get her to do anything, but she was already at her sister’s, so it just seemed easier to agree.

  Great, Diamond’s calling. I better answer because I don’t want her popping over here.

  “Hey, what’s up?”

  “Hey, I just wanted to say good luck with Aidan’s mom today. I hope things go well. It’s too bad Claire isn’t home and you have to deal with this all on your own.”

  “I’m fine with it. Claire’s away on business, Diamond. She isn’t at a spa.”

  I run into the laundry room with a bunch of crap that was laying on the floor in the family room and toss it, slamming the door. The wieners are at my heels. They’re going to go nuts when Chastity gets here. They’re friendly, just annoying.

  “I didn’t mean to say Claire isn’t a good mother, I just feel for you. That’s all.”

  “Well, thanks. I didn’t mean to get short with you. I’m just a little preoccupied.”

  “So are we still on for a play date with the little ones tonight? I made lasagna.”

  I sigh and mentally count the days until Claire gets home. I know I can say no, but then it’s like I’m making things weird. Accusing her of something. I wish she could get along with Claire. Maybe I can find something they have in common.

  “Sure, Diamond. Sounds good. And thanks.”

  We hang up and I check the time. Chastity will be here any minute. Aidan is sitting on the couch in the family room, where I left him, watching a cute show on Nick, Jr. about merperson preschoolers called Bubble Guppies, and squeezing that pink bunny. I know Claire said she won that bunny at a fair, but maybe we should get him a blue bunny, or maybe a bunny color that actually exists in the real world of bunnies. Like white. Or…as I ponder the colors of bunnies, the doorbell rings.

  I pause the show and Aidan whines. “Dada, no!”

  “Hey, little guy, someone is at the door. Let’s see who it is.”

  I scoop him up and he hides his face in my shoulder. It’s a wonder I can get to the door with the barking duo. Not only do they bark, but they run in circles, roll around and act like total assholes.

  “Get back, Dixie. Duncan, stop!”

  I open the door and Chastity surveys the scene.

  “Wow, you have your hands full.” She looks down as I attempt to hold back the wieners with my legs until Chastity is safely in the house. “And your feet,” she laughs.

  I can just imagine what Claire would do if I had to call her and tell her that one of her precious babies escaped. But of course the last time that happened I saved the day by finding Dixie, and won Claire’s undying love. However, since then, I have fallen hard off the pedestal.

  I back into the house and reply, “Please come in. It’s great to see you, Chastity. Obviously, this is Aidan. And these two furry monsters are my wife’s other babies.”

  I pause and put Aidan down as Chastity pets the crazies, willing them to calm down.

  “Not that they are as important to Claire as a human baby. I mean, as Aidan.” Shit, maybe I should have tried harder to get Claire to be here for this. Now that I think of it, I didn’t try at all. I cut her out and didn’t…

  “The dogs are babies. So cute.” She hesitates for a moment and greets Aidan. I take the gifts she’s been holding out of her hands and let them have a moment.

  As soon as I walk to the coffee table to set the packages down, Aidan follows me.

  “Hey, buddy, it’s okay to talk to this nice lady.” I look at Chastity and say, “He’s a little shy, but he usually warms up to the ladies. My wife has a lot of friends and a sister. I have a sister and he has two doting grandmothers.” I shut up when I realize I am laying it on too thick, as if to say ‘look at the great life we have, you loser.’

  “That’s great.”

  Her eyes look a little misty and my throat clenches. I had totally forgotten about the crying factor. Holy shit. What if she loses it?

  “Aidan, can you show me your toys?” Okay, she seems to know how to bond with a baby. Many women seem to have this gift. Even Zoe, and Bianca was good with kids before she had Mick. It’s like a secret nurturing gene.

  I breathe a little easier as Chastity gets on the floor and Aidan starts showing her his cars, trains and other assorted amusements. I hope she found something to bring him that he doesn’t already have. Claire’s mother says she is coming by this week and I know she’ll dump a fresh load of treasures for all the little ones.

  The dogs are happily sniffing around and seem to be admiring the new lady. I can’t help but join them. Chastity is beautiful. Obviously her looks and her body must earn her a fortune in tips, but it’
s too bad she hasn’t been able to do anything else with her life.

  Aidan giggles when Chastity tickles him with his bunny. Most people can’t touch Mr. Hoppy, so he is definitely bonding. Now I am grateful that Claire isn’t here.

  “Chastity, would you like something to drink?”

  She asks for water and I jump up to get some, leaving them alone momentarily. I get a sudden flash of her running out the door with Aidan, and quickly admonish myself. It’s Claire’s fault that I would even think something like that.

  I walk back into the room with Chastity’s water and Aidan’s sippy cup, and take in the domestic scene. In her jeans and light blue sweater, she looks like any young mother. Her sweater isn’t even tight or revealing, although I can see she has a great body. Really, Diamond looks more like a stripper than Chastity. And Aidan looks so much like her. That part alone would hurt Claire. Both mother and baby have jet black hair and bright blue eyes.

  Aidan opens his presents, and hugs the new stuffed turtle and tries to ‘read’ the picture books. Chastity tells me that her mother read to her when she was little, but then she left the family with no explanation.

  “I’m so sorry. I know you’ve had a rough time.”

  I wanted to offer to help her in some way, but getting too personal with Chastity would be crossing the lines of our legal agreement. As well as the lines of my marital agreement.

  “It’s okay. I’m just happy to see Aidan has a good life. I wish Claire was here, but I understand her reluctance to see me again.” She strokes Aidan’s head and smoothes his fine, baby hair.

  “No, she’s just on a business trip and…” I stop talking when I can tell from her expression that she knows I am feeding her bullshit.

  We continue to talk about Claire’s fears and she assures me that she is very happy with the arrangement, and that she is still sad that she couldn’t keep Aidan, but she could never give him the life that we can.

  “Thank you, Brandon, for being open. For giving me this opportunity.” She squeezes my arm as I walk her to the door. She kisses Aidan’s cheek and he smiles and reaches out to touch his birth mother.

  “Thank you. Just let us know when you want to come back.”

  She agrees, but as I close the door, I wonder if we will see Chastity again.

  Claire

  “I almost wish we were adopting the baby now.”

  I called Jane when I got back to my room after the conference. She told me she saw Chastity come to the door and it looked like she stayed for about an hour or so. She hasn’t seen Diamond going over there, but I can’t expect her to keep my house under constant surveillance. She could also be keeping things from me so I don’t freak out.

  “You are back and forth on this adoption issue, so I think it’s best to let this opportunity go. Just because Justin said a few things to make you feel better doesn’t mean you and Brandon are ready for another child.”

  I didn’t tell her about my Ambien incident, and all of the recent conflict. That would only add fuel to her argument.

  “I know we have some things to work out, but I think maybe I’ve been too hard on Brandon. He does suck at communicating, though.”

  “Yes, men often do. Well, you know what I deal with over here. But I adore Mike and we’ve been together a long time. You and Brandon didn’t even get a honeymoon phase. And of course Justin can make you feel better. He isn’t involved in your intimate relationship. He’s just an objective outsider. It’s easy to be logical and see the big picture when you remove all emotion. He can spout off his words of wisdom and go back to his uncomplicated, wife-and- baby-free life.”

  “It’s hard being away from home right now, but I honestly love being here. Is that bad?”

  “No, you deserve a break. And don’t think everything is so peachy at my house. We were rejected for our goat license. The county says we aren’t zoned and we don’t have enough property.”

  “You were serious about that? You really want goats? Why?”

  “Claire, have you ever seen how cute goats are?”

  She is dead serious. And Brandon complained about a second wiener dog. “Um, honestly I’m not sure if I could pick a goat out of a line up.”

  “Oh, I need to make sure that son of yours learns his animals. He will be mooing at elephants at the zoo if his mommy is in charge of his training.”

  “Very funny. Obviously I know a cow from an elephant. It’s the more obscure animals I don’t know.”

  “Speaking of more obscure, Mike was so distraught over the goat rejection, he is looking into an octopus.”

  “A what? Wait, yes I know what they are, but how the hell can you have an octopus?” And I think I have problems.

  “The main problem with keeping an octopus as a pet is that they can make themselves very flat and escape easily.”

  “Ah, ha, yep. I bet that would be a problem.”

  I need to end this call before the crazy seeps through the phone line into my brain. I have visions of an octopus oozing itself across the street and under my front door. I am almost sure someone has made a low budget horror movie about this.

  We hang up and Jane promises to stop by some time this week to keep an eye out on my house, and the comings and goings of its visitors.

  I still have time to call Brandon before changing for dinner with Justin. I lay down on the bed and rub my temples.

  What a day. My meetings went well, but the weirdest thing was talking to Greta Erikson from Liberty Ink, Justin’s old company in Philadelphia. Apparently he told her all about me. Why would he do that? He knows there is no way in hell I can move to Philadelphia for a job, unless it’s possible to work for them remotely.

  We only got a chance to chat for a few minutes when Justin was leaving the break room this afternoon, and she was looking for the ‘young’ editor. I still maintain after all these years that Justin needs to see an eye doctor.

  It’s nice to be recognized positively in the industry, and I am getting a little tired of Bella Donna. I agreed to meet with her tomorrow to chat about the industry and my career. I have been allowed to work on a few manuscripts, actually doing developmental and line editing, but I still feel like acquisitions is where Didier wants to keep me.

  I better call Brandon before Justin comes knocking on my door again. We don’t need a repeat of yesterday’s tense conversation.

  Before dialing I see I have new e-mail. After the surprise I got the last time I didn’t check it for days, I decided I better keep up. As I scroll through the messages, my heart pounds. There’s another one from Chastity. This one is only addressed to me.

  Claire,

  I understand that you didn’t want to be present for my visit with Aidan, and I want you to know that I do understand. It’s hard for everyone. But I just wanted to say that we had a very nice visit and I want to thank you. Aidan is so happy and I can see that you are a wonderful mother. Giving him up was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I have never felt more sure of my decision as I did when I left your house today. Yeah, I cried but I know that he is in the best hands. You have nothing to worry about. He’s your baby.

  Chastity

  My phone rings and startles me as I wipe away the tears.

  “Hi, Honey.” I sniffle into the phone and reach for a tissue.

  “What’s wrong? Are you getting a cold?”

  “No, I just got a message from Chastity.”

  I hear his breathing change and realize he may not understand these are tears of joy. I paraphrase Chastity’s message and if I’m not mistaken, I think I hear a little sniffle on his end, too.

  “I told you, Claire. It was an emotional visit for me, too, and if you had been there it may have been even more so, but the bottom line is that everything is fine. Aidan adores you and no one can ever take your place.” He pauses and continues, “With either of us.”

  We continue to talk about what’s going on at home and I fill him in on the conference, leaving out the part about Greta and a job i
n Philadelphia, particularly since it was Justin’s doing.

  “And that Dixie! Thank God you don’t travel often. She was whining so much last night. It’s too bad Duncan can’t comfort her, but he just goes to sleep and ignores her nonsense. I wish I could be like him. Diamond says she sounds like she’s in labor.”

  I lose my breath for a moment. “Diamond said that? Really? How would she know what Dixie sounds like in bed?”

  “Oh, I imitated her.”

  He launches into a Dixie anxiety imitation, but I still don’t feel good about this. Did he let something slip because we were having a nice talk about Aidan? And he made the comment about no one replacing me. No, he can’t be that much of a lying bastard. I count to ten to calm myself from launching into full blown accusatory mode. If what I’m allowing myself to think is true, my whole world is a lie.

  “Claire, do not get crazy on me. Are you there?” The earlier softness in his voice is gone and the angry edge is back.

  “Yes, I’m here. Fine, I guess you did the imitation. Makes sense. It would be hard to believe Diamond would be sleeping in our bed with Tatiana there and Jane across the street.” Shit, there it is. I couldn’t keep it in.

  “Oh my God, you’re insane. You were passed out with loverboy in the honeymoon suite.” He sighs loudly and says more softly, “Listen. I have to go. I have stuff to do. We’ll talk more tomorrow. Have a good night.”

  He hangs up as I say ‘I love you.’

  Dammit.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Claire

  “Well, Duncan is a man. Of course he’s oblivious to Dixie’s whining. Men don’t care about anything.”

  Justin laughs and cuts a big piece of steak. He shoves the meat in his mouth and chews voraciously. “This is so good. What did you say? Men care about a lot of things.”

  I was so shaken by the rollercoaster of emotions elicited by my conversation with my husband, that I have broken my cardinal rule—pretend everything is great at home when you talk to Justin.

  “I guess so. It’s just…”

  He puts down his utensils and leans forward. “What’s wrong, Claire?”